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Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (February 1, 2008)

YOU CAN’T DO THAT ON TELEVISION Last weekend, I attended the Hollywood screening of the new lesbian web series 3Way with a bunch of AfterEllen.com-related folks, including Dara Nai, Bridget McManus, Cathy DeBuono, Sarah Warn and Lori Grant and, of course, Jill Bennett: The 3Way cast was (unintentionally) color-coordinated and looked very hot AfterEllen.com-y in all that red. There were lots of celebrities at the premiere, from AfterEllen.com favorites such as Christina Cox (Blood Ties, Better Than Chocolate), Mandy Musgrave and Gabrielle Christian (South of Nowhere), to women I’d never met but always wanted to, such as Kelly Hu – the hot mutant assassin in X2 – and Kristy Swanson, who played the first Buffy Summers in the campy movie version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

But the best part of the evening? Sarah made the mistake of giving Bridget and me a microphone and camera and then setting us loose among the celebrities.

Which means she has only herself to blame for what happened next.

Yes, spankings occurred and a marriage proposal was made. It’s true, I did offer to give Kelly Hu lessons in Lesbian 101, and Bridget did incite an argument between Mandy, Jill and Cathy Shim over who would sleep with whom. Also, Bridget described her kissing technique in detail, we played a naughty word-association game with the entire cast of South of Nowhere, and everyone flirted with everyone else pretty much the whole time.

But really, would you expect anything different from one-third of “The Terrible Three” and the woman who shoots her vlog with a different woman in her bed each week?

Watch it here now – because you’ll never see celebrity party coverage like this on E! or Entertainment Tonight! And before you ask: no, there’s not actually a contest to win a three-way with Bridget and Jill. (Dammit!) Sarah still makes us adhere to some standards.

Now, on to our last bit of 3Way news: Even though the first episode doesn’t officially launch until Monday, the 3Way folks have just posted the first “confessional,” which we’re bringing to you live right here! Go to 3WayTV.tv for more photos, videos, character bios, etc.

DON’T CHA WISH YOUR PUSSYCAT DOLL WAS GAY LIKE MINE? Despite my countless attempts to explain it, our fearless leader Sarah Warn still doesn’t understand the popularity of the Pussycat Dolls with many a randy lesbian. Luckily for us, Sarah doesn’t run the show over at the CW. Because if she did, we’d have nothing but ’round the clock Buffy reruns, leaving no room on the schedule for shows like Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious.

According to the press release, Girlicious is a “ten-episode music/reality series making dreams come true when young hopefuls land one of three coveted spots to become part of a brand new musical group called ‘Girlicious.'” After launching a nationwide search, the producers have chosen 15 finalists possessing “dance ability and superstar charisma” who will try to sing and dance their way into the judges’ hearts (and your vulnerable psyche). The lucky judges are choreographer and Pussycat Dolls founder Robin Antin, rapper Lil’ Kim and Geffen Records chairman Ron Fair. The press release promises that “dreams become reality when the brand new group Girlicious is formed and immediately record an album, film a music video, go on tour and earn a record contract with Geffen Records.”

Among the 15 dreamers is one out lesbian, Keisha. Keisha hails from North Hollywood, Calif., and lists Beyoncé and Aaliyah as her favorite musical acts. Here’s Keisha strutting her stuff with fellow contestants Ilisa and Carrie: There’s no other personal info about Keisha listed on the CW website at this time, so I suppose we’ll have to tune in to Girlicious to see if she fits the reality TV lesbian contestant requirements of being (a) a frontrunner, (b) hot, and (c) secretly desired by all of her straight castmates (except for the obligatory religiously conservative – and clearly conflicted – girl who will get booted off by the third episode).

Girlicious premieres on the CW on Monday, Feb. 18, at 9:00 p.m. ET, whether Sarah Warn likes it or not.

(I PLAY A) LESBIAN (ON TV) QUOTE OF THE WEEK: “[Jessica Hecht and I] snuck in as much sex as possible. We did all we could do to make it as normal and loving a relationship as possible.” – Jane Sibbett, to AfterEllen.com, on the lesbian relationship she and Hecht portrayed on Friends

SADLY, LOQUACIOUS, LORELEI AND NATALIA WERE NOT INVITED TO PARTICIPATE In related CW, lesbianish news, those of us jonesing for an America’s Next Top Model fix will be glad to learn of plans to air not one but two one-hour specials featuring clips from the first nine cycles and commentary from past participants. Those participants include Camille from Cycle 2; Eva, Toccara and Amanda from Cycle 3; Cassandra and Bre from Cycle 5; Joanie from Cycle 6; and Bianca and Heather from Cycle 9.

They will also include resident Cycle 8 kook-meister (and MySpace “lesbian”) Jael … … and Dionne (also from Cycle 8), pictured below in drag. While we’re bummed that Cycle 5 lesbian Kim and her hookup partner Sarah won’t be a part of these specials, Dionne at least has the honor of the being the contestant who recreated one of our favorite Top Model lesbian moments.

You may recall that Dionne, along with Kim herself, re-enacted the infamous limo kiss scene in which Kim smooched Sarah, then proclaimed to the other 11 contestants looking on, “One down, 11 to go!” Though Dionne originally expressed reservations about re-enacting the scene (I believe her exact words were, “I’m not no f—ing lesbo!”), she suited up and showed up, and by end of the shoot admitted that she enjoyed it. At the time she said that she didn’t understand why being so close to a woman excited her. Perhaps she’s figured it out by now.

Top Model Exposed: Part I airs Wednesday, Feb. 6, at 8:00 p.m. ET, and Top Model Exposed: Part II airs Wednesday, Feb. 13, at 8:00 p.m. ET.

CUDDLING: THE SECRET STRATEGY OF ALL SURVIVOR CHAMPIONS In case you’re actually enjoying your WGA strike-induced diet of reality TV, tune in next week for the premiere of Survivor: Micronesia, Fans vs. Favorites. One of the “favorites” (I know she is one of my favorites) is Survivor: Vanuatu vet Ami Cusack.

On Vanuatu, Ami was the clear leader of the female pack, doing her best Bette Porter-in-a-bikini imitation as she held court with the adoring women folk and scared the crap out of the guys she out-played. Despite (or perhaps because of) her steamroller technique, Cusack did not win the loot in Vanuatu. But she’s back now and ready for more sunburn, starvation and those often grotesque Survivor surprises. According to her new Micronesia bio page on CBS.com, Cusack is still working at a coffee shop and now plays nanny to a 6-year-old. The bio also states that Cusack “looks forward to being a mom and taking care of her family.”

So what is Cusack’s deal in terms of sexuality? On her MySpace page, the form for “sexual orientation” is left unfilled while her headline reads, “It’s not the gender, it’s the person.” Back in the Vanuatu days, Cusack had a girlfriend, Crissy. But according to the official Micronesia website, Cusack is single and looking better than ever. On second thought, I think that last bit of information was garnered from my head, not CBS. Her biographical video there is worth watching if only to hear Cusack explain that her strategy for Micronesia includes getting to “cuddle the hot chicks at night.” In the video, she also promises to play her game more subtly, more “like a lady.” She speculates that because of Vanuatu, the men may think of her as a “man hater,” but she promises – with a Mona Lisa smile on her face – that they will “get to know” her this time around. And by “get to know” she means “get their asses kicked by.” Or at least that’s what I hope she means.

Look for an AfterEllen.com interview with Ami Cusack in the coming weeks. Survivor: Micronesia, Fans vs. Favorites premieres next Thursday, Feb. 7, at 8 p.m. ET on CBS.

TOYING WITH THE LESBIANS To the delight of Jodie Foster fans everywhere, Diamond Select Toys has announced plans to release a series of Minimates (or as slashfilm.com calls them, “those little LEGO looking figures”) for The Silence of the Lambs. The box set will include figurines of Clarice Starling, Dr. Lecter, Buffalo Bill and Hannibal the Cannibal, as well as accessories such as Hannibal’s straitjacket, Buffalo Bill’s Death’s Head Moth, and Hannibal’s mask and gurney. To date, there are no plans to include accessories for Clarice, be they a good bag or bad shoes.

If Silence of the Lambs toys aren’t your thing, you can check out other lesbian-related curiosities from the good people at Diamond Select.

There’s the Deep Space Nine figurine of Lt. Cmdr. Jadzia Dax (pictured below with Capt. Benjamin Sisko and Lt. Ezri Dax but, alas, not her sweeps week kissing buddy Lenara Kahn):

The scary version of good lesbian witch Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

And a whole slew of Battlestar Galactica action figures. There’s the testy lesbian Admiral Cain: The bisexual Cylon temptress Number Six: And, of course, Kara “Starbuck” Thrace, hotdog fighter pilot and lesbian wannabe extraordinaire (pictured below with a Cylon and the equally feisty Lt. Louanne “Kat” Katraine, with whom she clearly should have been making love, not war): In case you’re wondering, the release of the upcoming Silence of the Lambs Minimates is part of a larger collection of products associated with MGM films. No word yet on when action figures from The Hunger (MGM, 1983) might become available, or if the crafty Miriam doll will be trying to seduce the nubile Sarah doll to the lilting strains of Lakmé by Delibes.

IT’S ALL OVER BUT THE CRYING

Our loyal blogger Jamie Lynn gave us the final update of the season on the the Australian drama about sex workers, Satisfaction. Unfortunately, it’s not very satisfying. Jamie writes:

I really don’t know why I get my hopes up about these things. It’s like the ex-girlfriend you give one more chance, because you know this time will be different. But then it never is. And neither was the last episode of Satisfaction. Yes, this episode ends with Heather (Peta Sergeant), the lesbian character, in tears. Two episodes ago, story arcs were so promising. Heather, the (pregnant) lesbian, dumped her cruel girlfriend and moved herself and her fetus in with a co-worker, the newly divorced Lauren. Lauren, in the process of discovering her own sexuality, found herself fantasizing about her new roomie. And I told myself that it was time to trust again. Surely not every time ends in violence and horror.

But we all know how this story ends; it’s just a variation on a theme. Let’s tally the last two episodes. Hetero-panic? Check. Lauren recites the Declaration of Straightness to Heather, after a stray compliment induces that panic wherein a straight girl assumes that every lesbian wants to jump into bed with her.

Sports stereotypes? Yep, Heather strolls through a scene dressed only in a Wallabies rugby jersey. (Pretty, granted, but cliché. On American TV she’d have been wearing a Peyton Manning jersey to cook breakfast.) Violence and death? Sadly, yes. Lauren’s jerky ex-husband, owner of said jersey, dropped by the house, scaring Heather into stabbing his hand. Verbal sparring between the two escalates into physical abuse, culminating in a miscarriage.

Heather’s still alive to have a role in Season 2; I guess that’s a positive. But I’m not waiting around. You hear me Satisfaction? You promise groundbreaking drama, but you’re just like all the rest. Try seducing me with your pretty girls and trash-talking lesbian again. I’m swearing you off. You’ll see. Er, until next season.
Funny, that’s what I’ve been saying after every season finale of The L Word for the last four years!

LET’S PLAY NAUGHTY SECRETARY FOR A GOOD CAUSE Ever since the WGA strike began, AfterEllen.com has heartily supported those folks who create the films and television shows we love – even if those films and television shows rarely include our stories. (Not that we’re bitter or anything.) And we’ve enjoyed the star-studded, pro-writer shorts that have turned up on the Speechless website. But the most recent of those shorts is easily our favorite. In it, Maggie Gyllenhaal and two other actors play women who learn that they are all meeting the same man for a hotel rendezvous. When the three arrive at the same hotel room, it doesn’t take them long to do the math. When they realize that the two three-timing man in question, Ampitepa (which we’re sure has nothing to do with the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers), has stood them up, they decide to make their own fun. With each other.

Dim all the lights and watch the high-minded debauchery unfold below:  

I have no idea who ordered the food, but if the girl in the Speechless short is guaranteed to make the delivery, I’d take pizza over room service anytime.

HE SAID/SHE SAID David Rieff, son of the late bisexual writer and essayist Susan Sontag, recently published a memoir about his mother’s passing, Swimming in a Sea of Death. In it, Rieff recounts his mother’s psychological and physical battle with cancer, and his own role in maintaining her attitude of immortality until the very end of her life.

The New York Times review of Swimming doesn’t mention Rieff’s references to his mother’s longtime lover, famed photographer Annie Leibovitz, in the story of his mother’s death. The reviewer for January magazine, however, writes that Leibovitz is mentioned only twice in Rieff’s memoir, “once as Sontag’s ‘on again, off again’ companion, and finally, blisteringly:

She [Sontag] would not have had the time to mourn herself and to become physically unrecognizable at the end even to herself, let alone humiliated posthumously by being ‘memorialized’ that way in those carnival images of celebrity death taken by Annie Leibovitz.

Rieff is ostensibly referring to Leibovitz‘s controversial 2006 book, A Photographer’s Life: 1990—2005, in which she wrote about her romantic relationship with Sontag and included jarring photographs of her as she succumbed to cancer. When the book was published, Leibovitz told the New York Times:
Every single image that one would have a possible problem with or have concerns about, I had them too. This wasn’t like a flippant thing. I had the very same problems, and I needed to go through it. And I made the decision in the long run that the strength of the book needed those pictures, and that the fact that it came out of a moment of grief gave the work dignity.
In the same interview and in reference to Sontag’s notoriously private nature, Leibovitz said: “If she was alive, of course this work wouldn’t be published. It’s such a totally different story that she is dead. I mean, she would champion this work.”

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Indie lesbian rap group Yo Majesty was featured in a New York Times article this week.

Hold onto your rainbow-colored pocket protectors! Lesbiangeek.com, an affiliate of lesbiangamers.com launched this week.

Terry Moore announced on his website that he and Steven Sears are working on a Strangers in Paradise television show.

Finally, we’re launching a new AfterEllen.com tip line. We know that you – our readers – have always been a great source of information on all the up-and-coming lesbian and bisexual women in film, television, print, music and more. So if you know of an artist or project that we should be covering, then let us know! Send an email to us at [email protected]. (And for more information about our submission guidelines, go here.)

That’s it for this week! Check back next Friday for another edition of Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever.

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