Today marks my third anniversary of couplehood with my girlfriend—please send a stand mixer or an Xbox in lieu of congratulations—so it seems like the perfect time to reflect on my remarkable string of romantic successes.
In my eight years as a working homosexual, I have achieved the following:
If that doesn’t make me an expert, then I clearly don’t understand the meaning of the word “expert.” I assume you’re all wondering how I did it, so here before you are my tips and tricks for securing the attentions of the same sex. I’m not saying they’re foolproof, but I am saying that I’m going out to a fancy dinner tonight with someone who is way too good for me and assures me on a daily basis that I do not have a fever.
Show your crush how clever you are by constantly reading books in front of her. Cover your face with them so your crush will be forced to make conjectures as to what you actually look like. Scowl intently at them to show your deep understanding of their content, and occasionally laugh sharply and exclaim “Oh, well said!” When your crush asks what you are reading, mutter, “Excuse me I am trying to read because of how smart I am.”
Attempt impossible feats of strength in front of your crush. Lift a comically heavy object. When she offers to help, impress her with your self-sufficiency by refusing her assistance. Drop the heavy object on your foot. Impress your crush by weeping minimally and with great decorum.
Perfect your leaning game. Practice a casual, unstudied lean in the mirror. Lean against counters, against subway railings, and especially against walls in any situation where other people are dancing. In the absence of a leanable surface, slouch.
Do not let anyone convince you that you are an Alice. YOU ARE A SHANE IF YOU SAY YOU ARE A SHANE.
In the event that your crush smiles at you or says your name, seek out the nearest chemical plant, douse yourself in its most toxic product, and wait to develop the puddle-melting powers of Alex Mack. As a bonus, develop her ability to pull off overalls.
In a social situation in which other people are sipping politely at wine, become exuberantly drunk, clench your fists, march towards your crush, and say “Pretty cool party, huh?” Whatever her reaction, promptly call a cab and go home.
Frown extravagantly at your crush’s approaching face and grin idiotically at her receding back. No one will ever notice.
Make your crush a mix CD. Choose the songs that most perfectly encapsulate your feelings, then erase those and pick whatever song directly precedes them in the original albums. For example, if you start with The Decemberists’ “Of Angels and Angles,” replace it with “The Mariner’s Revenge Song.”
When you are unsure as to your crush’s sexual orientation, drop obscure lesbian references into casual conversation. If she does not immediately recognize these allusions, despair.
Remember, the goal of any crush is not an eventual relationship, but maintaining an impenetrable shroud of mystery. Perhaps in your later years you may reveal your true feelings for your crush via correspondence, but more likely you will have to content yourself with sending anonymous bouquets of flowers to her grave.
Infinite thanks to Matie for the gifs. Follow her on Twitter (@Klytaemnestra) and remind her not to answer emails while riding her bike.