The Hook Up: Queer Social Skills 101



“I’m terrible at both flirting and reading the signs when someone might be flirting with me.”

“I just can’t talk to women.”

“How do you talk to women?”

“I just have no confidence talking to women. I hate it. And now I like this girl who barely knows I exist. Sigh. What do I do?”

“I always have this fear that I’m gonna come across as boring.”

“I got chatted up on Friday, and I literally ran away. Same lack of confidence, never know what to say or do or act or think or anything.”

“It’s hard to tell if a woman is just being friendly or is into me.”

Have you ever said something similar to the above statements? Odds are you have, judging by the amount of Hook Up advice questions I get to that effect.

As queer women, we don’t have a ton of role models or even concrete, practical advice aimed at teaching us important social skills, such as: how to make small talk, how to flirt, how to tell if someone is flirting back, how to handle rejection, how to message someone online, how to not come off as boring or aggressive, and even how to develop the confidence and self-esteem to believe you’re someone WORTH talking to in the first place.

We often struggle with self-worth more than others because we face so many stigmas in our lives—lesbophobia, biphobia, transphobia, prejudice, discrimination, unapproving family members, being closeted, religious persecution, fear of not belonging, fear of “not being queer enough,” and so on.

On top of all that, women are socialized to be pursued, not to pursue other people, which means the ways we show sexual interest can be a lot more subtle and passive, which can lead to confusion, mixed signals, and our messages not being received the way we want them to.

Not to mention that, as women, we have all received unwanted attention from men (sometimes every single day!), which makes us hyper-aware of not wanting to be “that guy” with women we’re interested in.

Then there’s the obstacle of not being able to tell if a woman is straight or queer just by looking at her, so we have this doubt in our minds already, which inhibits us from even trying to talk to her, because what’s the point?

PHEW. No wonder we struggle with approaching, talking, and dating people.

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So! Here’s what I have in mind.

Below you’ll find the first part of a queer social skills 101 series, covering a new topic each week relating to dating, meeting women, talking to people, making deep and lasting connections, overcoming anxiety, communicating within a relationship, getting what you want without coming off as a jerk, and other pertinent issues that don’t often get the time and space needed.

Do you have topics you’d like me to specifically cover? Leave it in a comment! Or email me I’m all ears and eyes.

Ready to get started?

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