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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (2.24): Abandon hope all ye who play with dolls

My recapping buddies and I were talking recently about how you can’t watch a serialized story built around a mystery and expect to not be disappointed in the end. Like Lost, for example. I still know people who want to burn down JJ Abrams’ house over the Lost finale. Or Veronica Mars. The first season of that show was maybe the greatest inaugural season of any murder-mystery show ever. But as soon as the bus careened over the edge of the cliff in series two, you knew it was an accidental metaphor. Because to keep fans coming back to shows like that, you’ve got to make the mystery bigger and bigger by asking more and more questions, and the danger is that you’ll never be able to answer all – or even most – of those questions in a satisfying way.

But here’s where Pretty Little Liars wins: You and me and even my cat, we’re all beside ourselves with glee about the “A” reveal next week. But honestly, it doesn’t matter who “A” is. Not really. Because while PLL was weaving a yarn about a murder-mystery, it was also making us fall in love with these characters. If the Liars had gone wandering off in the dark in a graveyard in the pilot episode, we’d have rolled our eyes and hopped up for a snack, but now we’re all scooting closer to the TV when that shit happens and legitimately hollering at them to at least bring a flashlight.

Also, though, these writers know how to play us right. First of all, they keep shouting out to us in small but significant ways. The way the characters keep saying “The Jenna Thing” out loud. Ashley Marin calling us back to the pasta box bank a couple of episodes ago. The writers are dialed in to what we’re saying, and they’re speaking to us in the language we’ve helped them create. And Monday night’s giant reveal, it wasn’t just awesome because it was shocking; it was awesome because every single person on the creative team was winking at us. The writing, the directing, the editing, even the music supervision, it was like they’d crafted this thing they loved so much and couldn’t wait to show us.

It was, hands down, one of the most enjoyable episodes of TV I have ever seen in my entire life. And the creepiest. And just so gratifying. I mean, it’s an absurd show, right? Just f–king insane. But it’s also sweet and scary and unnervingly real at times. And at its core, PLL is a story about a group of young women learning to seize and wield the power society has tried to convince them they don’t have. The power of their sexuality. The power of their intellect. The power of their friendships. And, in the case of Aria Montgomery, the power of the souls of ancient kings, which she keeps safely stored away in a jar of enchanted salamander eyeballs in her jewelry box.

In addition to her daily dosage of Adderall, Spencer has popped a couple of pain killers because when a burning building blows up in your face, sometimes you feel a little bit sore the next day. She wakes up to find Alison rummaging through her shit, which you know happened on the regular when that girl was alive, so it takes Spencer a minute to realize it’s not real Ali, but Zombie Ali who’s rooting around in her backpack.

Spencer is like, “Ali, listen, I am so sorry it’s taking us like ten years to solve your murder, but stuff just keeps exploding and we keep getting called off on all these little side missions. You wouldn’t believe how many holes there are in this town full of murder weapons and therapists.” Alison ain’t mad. She flirts with Spencer in that way she has, the one that makes a girl feel like she’s the most important person in the world – which in Spencer’s case: true, actually – and tells Spencer not to be so myopic. That’s kind of like telling the sun not to be so shiny, but Spencer agrees to try to look at the larger picture and wrap up this murder investigation before any more hooligans show up asking Aria to fly anymore tinker-toy airplanes.

If anyone knows what it’s like to makeout with Ali’s ghost, it’s Emily, so Spencer confides to her that Ali dropped by for some late night cat burgling and canoodling. Spencer is kind of convinced Ali really was in her house like Emily is kind of convinced Ali really did kiss her just outside that barn like Hanna is kind of convinced Ali really was chilling out in her hospital room dressed like a candy striper. The only person who hasn’t been visited by the Ghost of Queen Bees Past/Yet To Come is Aria and that is because her boyfriend is an even bigger lez than Ali and the Sapphic Law of Thermodynamics prevents that many feelings from being in the same place at the same time. Emily’s like, “Ali is holding our brains hostage. Also, the way my girlfriends keep disappearing, I think maybe she’s holding my vagina hostage. We really should solve her murder.”

Then off she goes to kick out the tenants from her house so she and Pam can move back in. On the way she gets a text from Maya: “Thanks a lot for telling my parents I’m not dead, traitor!” And I mean, I guess Maya got a brain transplant from the same place Jenna got an eyeball transplant, because what the actual heck is wrong with her right now?

Hanna is in the kitchen organizing her homework from the night before. I love how any one of these Liars can pull a blind girl from the jaws of death in the middle of the night and then be expected to show up at school the next morning, fresh-faced and with a complete essay about, like, the recurring motifs of punishment psychology in Dostoyevsky’s novels. When I was in high school, if I helped an old lady to her car with her groceries after about 8:00 at night, I’d just take the next day off due to heroism. If I’d legitimately saved one of my classmates’ lives, I’d have just gone on home and played video games for the next two years until someone mailed me a diploma.

Despite the fact that a cell phone would have come in real handy when she was on literal fire the night before, Ashley’s still taking the hard line with Hanna about her phone. When Hanna’s purse rings, Ashley just reaches on in there and pulls out the phone Mona gave her and throws it in the dishwasher, like the Marins do. Mona comes sauntering in the back door and I think propositions Ashley for some good old fashioned May-December romance, but Ashley is like, “I am too much woman even for you, Mona Vanderwaal.”

Aria stops by Ezbian’s office to celebrate the first time he ever stood up for himself. He thinks there’s a 50 percent chance Byron is going to chop him into tiny pieces in his sleep and use him for fertilizer, and Aria laughs like, “75 percent chance more like!” But they don’t have to worry about that right now because Byron is up in Vermont, crying over a bottle of maple syrup because it reminds him of how Aria used to love pancakes and not doing sex with mens.

JennaBot has decided she cannot wait another minute to find out if the infrared reflection is working in her new proximity sensor. Toby comes rushing in wearing a pink apron and tsk, tsk-ing about how the doctor is supposed to take off the patch later that afternoon. She’s like, “I can’t wait until this afternoon. Now remove your clothes and I will see if I can make out the shape of your penis with my new vision.” She pulls off the patch and cries and cries. Toby’s like, “Sorry your life is just one giant disappointment/explosion after another, sister.”

School time! Spencer rushes into the courtyard hooting and hollering about cracking another code. Ali was taking out classified ads asking “A” to stop threatening to kill her, and “A” was responding with classified ads featuring photos of like guillotines and intercontinental ballistic missiles. The week before Ali was buried alive, they’d agreed to meet at Murdering Marionette Mart.

Their sleuthing is halted, per the usual, by the whoosh of doom that accompanies Jenna’s entrance into a room. Since she’s not waving her arms in front of her and bumping into things willy-nilly, Hanna for real goes, “Can you see or not?” It’s the most amazing thing she’s ever said in the history of saying the most amazing things. Jenna says that no, her eyeball transplant was not successful because of faulty wiring in the ocular receptor, but the whole mess has made her realize it’s time for the five of them to stop beating the shit out of each other like the bros in Holden’s fight club. She’s like, “Look, I blackmail my brother into banging me, you throw a firecracker at my face. One of you starts banging my brother, I throw Officer Garrett at your face. Basically, this is a lose-lose situation due to bloodshed and the fact that not a single one of us is getting to sleep with Toby, so let’s stop.”

Emily is the only one at the table who hasn’t really considered the possibility of boning Boo, so she’s not so keen on the truce, but everyone else seems to be on board. Spencer suggests another trip to the demon-filled doll store to “retrace Ali’s steps.” A phrase that will haunt her for the rest of her whole entire caffeine-fueled life here in about 30 minutes.

Mona comes stomping up the hallway like a woolly Godzilla brandishing her phone at Hanna and shouting about getting Hexted by “A” some more. Y’all, Mona really is trolling herself, I believe. She’s like, “Now this anonymous person wants me to break up you and Caleb, but I have concocted an elaborate ruse that brings me one step closer to framing someone else for my misdeeds while slashing Caleb’s throat with my fingernail file and stuffing him in my trunk and gay marrying you.” Hanna goes, “Good plan. I’ll just go ahead and see if Spencer will give us some wedding bands from her stash of plunder.”

Aria stops by her mom’s classroom to let her know she and the gang are taking the Mystery Machine up to Brookhaven to do some hobbit-hunting and general investigating, but what she finds is a note from her dad attached to a fax talking about, “The team of assassins will arrive at Ezra’s apartment tomorrow morning at the same time the vestal virgins from Celibacy College are dragging Aria out of bed. Please send her measurements to the blacksmith this afternoon for the chastity belt I’m having forged.” Byron. God. Be worse, I dare you.

The Liars wander around Brookhaven waiting for someone to wander up and give them a clue like what happens when you’re in a video game and you’re finished with a particular quest. But no one obliges. Soon enough, though, they spot a little old lady opening up the doll hospital, so they accost her. It’s always a treat to watch Spencer use her country club manners because on the outside she’s so sweet even when people won’t acquiesce to her charms, but on the inside she’s just like, “KILL YOU! KILL YOU, PRECIOUS!”

This old lady has a serious southern accent. Like South Carolina southern. And she invites them into the bowels of her unholy sanctuary. Right around the Ninth Circle, a little kid shows up and starts talking like Cole Sear about how Vivian Darkbloom’s torturer used to buy her voodoo dolls in this very store before she finally gave up on the witchcraft and decided to bury Alison alive. His grandma just peters around mumbling about receipts and cotton intestines or whatever horrible doll thing. Wax eyelids. Mohair wigs. Hanna’s like, “We’re gonna go, but you should really think about seeing some sort of exorcist, OK, kid?”

Back at Hanna’s, Aria employs a trick she learned from Ezra. She goes, “OK, everyone take out your journals and write down the first ten feelings you feel. Like, for example, I would write ‘creeped out by the mage-child’ and ‘worried about not being able to accessorize with a chastity belt.’ And then we’ll go around and do haikus about each feeling.” Spencer’s like, “OK, I’ll go first: ‘As the wind blows / calamity, thy name is / Melissa Hastings.'” It’s a good one. Everyone is impressed. But Spencer just keeps on: “I walk across holes / dug deep in my backyard – by / my brother Jason.” Another good one. “It’s cold and I wait / for sweet Alison’s ghost to / come makeout with me,” Spencer practically sings. Aria thinks everyone should really have a turn to say some emotion poems, but Spencer is on a roll: “Carved with his own hands / Noble fir wood rocking chair / But I snogged the Brit.”

At home, Aria is feeling a little bit testy on account of not having a chance to share her feelings with the group, and also that boarding school thing, so she goes, “Hey Mom, tell dad to stop being the worst or I’m going to tell the dean of Hollis that he accepted blow jobs from his grad students.” Ella is stunned, which we’ve really never seen before. Even when Mike broke her arm, she was breezy. But she seems to think Aria has gone a step too far. I do not.

Melissa is back to incubating her devil spawn in Rosewood. In fact, she thinks it’s be just super if Spencer would help her write some thank you cards for the pitchforks and things she got at her baby shower today. She’s like, “Maybe you could find some spare stationary in that bag of murder clues in your bedroom.” Spencer’s really just about had it at this point with not feeling safe in her own house. First, NAT club spied on her from the time she was a child, then Ali got killed after a night in the barn, then Ian moved in and thought it was a funny joke to pop out from behind the shower curtain with a saber in his hand, and then Alison’s zombie started visiting, and now Satan’s own fetus lives there in Melissa’s belly. So Spencer goes, “Hey, Melissa, I saw a video of you murdering Alison.” And Melissa just shrugs it off: “There’s a video of every person in this town murdering Alison, including you, by the way.”

Rosewood High Courtyard of Exposition and Investigation. Hanna has a bright idea (planted by Mona, no doubt!) that they need to frame Melissa into sending an “A” text. Her foolproof plan: Have Mona and Caleb tail Melissa until she gets out of her car, then park the car and make out like bonobo chimps until Melissa sees them, then wait for Melissa to send Hanna a gloating text. And that’s just what they do. Caleb is so grossed out he can hardly bear it, but Mona’s just like, “I’m touching the lips that touched Hanna Marin’s!” Melissa does see them. “A” does text Hanna. And so the Hanna just starts packing up every flash drive and iPad and trophy covered in rodent blood she can find. It’s off to the police station with the evidence finally.

But wait! Spencer still isn’t convinced! Emily still isn’t convinced! Mona was promised a sleepover! They argue and stomp their feet and demand their demands until finally the Liars leave Mona in the shower or something and head back to the doll slaughterhouse to talk to that psychic kid again. They have no idea that they’re all going to end up with PORCELAIN IN THEIR HAIR because they have never seen this show.

After those half-leopard/half-panther jeggings Aria wore on their last mission, she has been banned from the black-ops team. So she just heads over to Ezra’s house to watch some women’s field hockey on the TV and eat tofu and do a massage train. But Ezra doesn’t much feel like doing their normal things because he got fired today. Aria starts in with her usual optimism about how everything will be OK because love pays the light bill and buys the groceries, but Ezra’s like, “Not even processing is going to help me now. I’m going to move back to Tribadism, Mass. to do some soul searching.” He leans into Aria’s kiss for real this time. And leans and leans and leans until she’s pulling off his shirt and pulling him down on top of her.

And just … no! Aria, no! Do not have lesbian sex with a lesbian on this show or someone will disappear into the ether and die! Do not have lesbian sex in the missionary position! Do not have lesbian sex standing up! Just don’t do it, OK?

But they totally do do it. And I’m not really sure their relationship was illegal until juuuuuuust now.

Jenna is sitting on her bed reading some kind of modern warfare handbook in braille when Toby stops by to check on her current blindness. She’s like, “Yep, still blind! But hey, while you’re here, here’s a piece of paper Garrett asked me to destroy at the end of last season. I think it might be something to incriminate him with regards to the murder of Alison DiLaurentis.” Toby goes, “IT’S PAGE FIVE!” And they rush down to the Rosewood Police Department like a pair of regular old first season Liars.

Our now-seasoned Liars are far, far away from the Rosewood PD, breaking into thr doll shop. They descend into the hellscape of the basement again and then the scariest f–king voice you have ever heard starts going, “Follow me, end up like me. Follow me, end up like me. Follow me, end up like me.” They creeeep toward the cabinet that’s making the noise and open it up and there’s a motherf–king Alison-shaped doll covered in blood and mud and holding a shovel. They run for their lives and the shelves start falling down around their ears and I don’t know about you, but I still haven’t been to sleep since this episode aired.

At Spencer’s, the Liars finally decide to join the Witness Protection Program, but on their way to the Rosewood safehouse, they spy Garrett getting arrested. One minute, he’s kissing Melissa and rubbing her baby bump; the next minute, he’s being asked to surrender his weapon. Melissa catches Spencer’s eye, all, “You again!”

Jenna Marshall is sitting at her makeup table cleaning off her lipstick. Poor old blind Jenna. Just blind, blind, blind. So stinkin’ blind. EXCEPT FOR HOW SHE’S TOTALLY NOT!!!!!!!!!! She takes off her sunglasses, a fly lands on her mirror, and she uses her cat-like reflexes to wallop that thing. Then she eyes her eyeballs in the mirror and “Them There Eyes” revs up and the editing in this scene is incredible. This reveal is incredible. Could she see all along or did she just start seeing? If she just started seeing, was she waiting to read page five to make sure she wouldn’t look suspicious if she handed it in? If she could see all along, is she “A”? This show, man. This show.

At the doll shop, the Risen Mitten hands over a wad of sweaty cash to the store owner and a lollipop to the possessed child. And guys, that’s the very last we will ever see of the Risen Mitten. Because next week, the Risen Mitten has a face!

Hey, did you hear: I’ve got an interview with “A” lined up on Tuesday morning after next week’s finale. ABC Family just won’t tell me who it is! WHO IS IT?

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