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“Pretty Little Liars” Recap (2.21) — A Ravenclaw walks into a bar

I want to kick off this recap with an ardent plea aimed at the voracious shippers among us, just some simple on-my-knees begging for the Emayans and Paileyans to please not rip each other (or me) apart. Because, see, I know shipping is as fun as any sport, but it’s kind of the opposite of story. Narrative wants conflict, conflict, conflict. And shippers want unimpeded bliss. But let’s be honest: Does Emily Fields not deserve to have more than one girl fighting for her affections at all times? Answer: Yes. I mean, you’ve met Emily Fields, right? I just want everyone to be cool. We’re more than 40 episodes into this show and it’s been such a joy so far. Let’s not sully it with asshole-y shenanigans. Like who you like, ship who you ship, write enough fan fiction to fill an Ezbian-sized feelings journal. But please, please, please play nice. OK? ‘Cause I’ve still got GLASS IN MY HAIR from the last shipping war I had to live through.

Apparently Jason likes new sister Spencer better than he ever liked old sister Alison, because not only has he avoided clubbing her over the head with a hockey stick; he has also happily handed over two grand of Alison’s blood money without any real explanation from Spencer about why she needs it. Aria and Spencer explain to Hanna and Emily that they’ll be doing the Vivian Darkbloom dollar exchange alone because they don’t want to scare off their informant. Emily is offended at first, but soon realizes they’re right: Spencer and Aria and whatever evil combination of clothes Aria will be wearing will most certainly look like a terror cocktail to the untrained eye. Even weathered soldiers have been known to run screaming at the sight of some of Aria’s pants.

Mona wanders by, all, “Heyyy, Liars!” And they respond with unacceptable apathy. Mona pulls Hanna aside to make plans for an afternoon of shoplifting, but Hanna’s like, “Aw, man. Between the trips to the police station to account for the gardening utensils in my possession and learning the ways of the cyberhacker and celebrating 1105! every time my mom leaves the house, I totally forgot about our plans of petty thievery.” Mona’s feelings are hurt, but she plays it off like a champ. And then she gets a text from “A”(!) talking about, “Hope your mom likes police boners too!”

Such a boner wanders in off the street and into the Marin’s kitchen. Ashley hears someone at the back door and is all, “Look, this isn’t a soup kitchen. We housed one hobo for a – oh, it’s you.” Detective Snape is like, “Of course it’s me. Afternoon delight, or …?” Ashley kicks him out and then calmly asks Hanna for the one billionth time if she’s come clean about all the things that could send her to prison for the rest of her life. Hanna’s like, “Except for the part where I ran over a ninja with my car, drowned Caleb’s boyfriend in the River Hastings, slapped a blind girl in the face, ruined Dad’s wedding to keep my therapist from being buried alive, and made it to the eleventh grade without knowing the word ‘spigot’ – yeah, I’ve told you everything.”

It is a day of coming clean! Melissa is back from the pits of hell, sipping blood from a thermos and knitting a horn-shaped bonnet for that satan in her belly. She’s also acting oh so very shocked to learn that that former makeout buddy Jason DiLaurentis is also her half-brother. Actually, she mostly seems shocked that Spencer knows. She’s like, “No one else knows, right? If anyone else knows, please just write their names and addresses on this piece of paper while I go downstairs and retrieve my nunchucks from the coat closet.” Spencer thinks how it seems like just yesterday when Melissa’s husband was trying to push her off the bell tower and Jason was trying to bash Ali’s brains in, and now look at them, the most loving older siblings since Jane Bennet and Jo March. Spencer gives herself a hug and imagines the three of them in matching feety pajamas come Christmas morning.

Maya is not returning Emily’s calls, which Emily takes as a clear indication that she should keep calling. She’s leaving a message: “I had Caleb remotely reverse engineer your phone last time you were at Jesus Camp, don’t think I won’t have him -” But: BEEEEEP! Standing watch over lonesome Emily’s lonesomeness is Paige McCullers, one zillion smiles and zero bangs. A winning formula. OK, and Paige’s mouth goes, “I’m interested in you joining me this afternoon in the capacity of two teammates doing official swim team business.” But her voice goes all gentle and flirty about, “Please don’t say no to me because what girl in the world could say no to you.” Emily’s eyebrow is intrigued.

Mona preens around Hanna’s bedroom, a flock of bluebirds dressing and undressing her in an array of stolen party frocks. Because she is a princess; yes, that is what I am saying. (I am correct. Don’t argue.) “A” busts up the party with a text and Mona just rolls her eyes about how lame it is to get get extorted. The Liars have been dealing with this for how long now? Months? Years? Mona’s done with it in an afternoon. Instead of hiding in the bathroom and crying, she’s like, “At least Gossip Girl keeps it real with thematic bon mots. This omniscient stalker is so borrrrring.” Hanna gets super nervous super fast, and rightly so: “A” sent Mona a photo of her mom letting Detective Snape slither in. Hanna’s like, “Are you really OK, Mona?” And Mona is all, “You remember the apocalyptic wasteland we lived in when Alison was alive, right? Relative to that, I’d be OK getting eaten alive by literal wolves.”

Spencer is wearing a side braid and a jacket from the Han Solo Collection. Probably there is a lightsaber stashed inside her pocket also. Aria is wearing a headband/bow combination from the Blair Waldorf Collection. Probably there are cyanide capsules stashed inside it. They won’t need their weaponry though. That guy from the cell phone store just wants the money Vivian Darkbloom owed him. They give him the cash; he gives them an address … which makes them livid? I don’t understand. Did they think he was going to, like, hand-deliver “A” with a ribbon wrapped around her devil baby bump? He’s like, “That’s the address is where I tracked the burner phone that was being used to blackmail Vivian. You know, burner phones. Like the things you found a receipt for in your lake house attic, which you used to track down a burner phone kiosk directly outside Melissa’s apartment?” Spencer’s like, “Damn, why can’t we find a clue that actually leads somewhere!”

They ready the Mystery Machine for the newly acquired addy, but then notice Officer Garrett out of his police uniform and in his civilian jackhole uniform, snacking on some Jujubes and grinning like a Noel Kahn. I guess what’s really important in this scene, though, is that Spencer licks her own lips as a pavlovian response to seeing Aria lick her lips. 

I don’t make the news; I only report it.

Hanna’s sitting around not getting blackmailed by “A,” feeling for all the world like an Aria Montgomery (minus the lesbian lover) on any given afternoon, so she decides to help her mom stir-fry some Benjamins for supper. Hanna is just chopping up pennies and nickles for seasoning, humming Taylor Swift and thinking about which outfit she’ll wear to bed, when suddenly: “Hey, Mom, remember when you f–ked that cop to get me off those shoplifting charges? How funny would it be if people found out about that?” Ashley is like, “If by ‘funny’ you mean the department of family and children services would take you away from me and make you live with that slut Isabel and her horrible daughter Kate, then yes, Hanna, it would be a real laugh riot.”

We cross the MILF vector and find Ella Montgomery also zeroing in on the fact that her child is being terrorized by a hobgoblin. She tries to talk to Aria about the note “A” left Bryon instructing him to go to Lezzer Bistro, and about the note “A” left her last year instructing her to divorce her philandering husband, and about how she used to know all the people in Aria’s life before she started dating her teachers and getting fleeced by a person who hunts children for sport. And would you just get a load of Aria. She nearly faints into her chair, where she pulls out her feelings journal and starts writing furiously. God, her and Fitz are so perfect for each other. Ella’s like, “OK, carry on with your lesbianism; I’ll just be downstairs solving murders and baking a pie.” 

Emily and Paige collected ten hundred billion dollars for the swim team, beacuse duh, what wouldn’t you give Shay Mitchell if she showed up at your door? Paige goes, “Oh, hey, I was just thinking: we make such a good team swimming and collecting money that we’d probably also make a good team naked wrestling.” Her phone rings and it’s her mom. Paige goes, “No, mom we weren’t writing poetry and eating French vegan food. Emily is just a friend.” She rolls her eyes at Emily, all, PFLAG, right? And when she gets off the phone, Emily is like, “French vegan food?! Did you come out?!” Paige did come out, and her face when she says it is the sun after ten thousand rainy days. Emily actually grasps the table and sits down like she just found out her dead best friend’s brother is also her brother who also made out with her sister. Like it’s that shocking. Paige is so proud and Emily is so proud and I am so proud and the music is so proud.

Honestly, I don’t even know what’s most adorable in this scene: Emily in that hat, Paige’s face, that rawring dinosaur over Paige’s shoulder, the way the piano is like hope, hope, hope, ye young gay ones, the way the physical distance and emotional distance disappears like magic as Paige tip-toes across the room to tell Emily how she’s the one who gave her the courage to come out. Emily clears her throat once, twice; tries to change the subject to Paige’s parents ’cause it’s getting hot in there. Hanna breaks the tension with an SOS text, and Paige, who played it cool as long as she possibly could, goes, “Is that Maya?” Emily says it’s not, then hands over the swim team money, all business: “I’m really happy for you.” Paige’s mouth says, “Thanks.” But her face says, “I wish you were happy with me.”

Damn, Paige. Why you gotta play my heart like that?

Hanna calls the meeting of Lying Liars Who Lie to order with the news that her mom did some prostituting one time with ol’ Detective Snape. Emily, because she’s Emily, refuses to judge Ashley or Hanna. Spencer, because she’s Spencer, doesn’t understand why Hanna didn’t just buy the designer sunglasses with her leftover lunch money. And Aria is wearing a legitimate dog collar. Awesomely, though, she goes, “ASentMyMomALetterAboutMeAndEzraAndNowShe’sOnTheHuntToFindOutWhoAIs.” Emily Emilys about, “It’s OK. We understand.” And Spencer goes, “No! We are together, Aria! Didn’t we have like seven thousand conversations where we cried over losing Toby and Ezra to A?” Aria’s like, “Yeah. But. I mean. Ezra says it’s good to cry once a day. It flushes the bad feelings toxins out of your body. Sometimes we listen to Sarah McLachlan and look up photos of puppies in prison just to cleanse our tear ducts.”

Hanna calls them downstairs to look at an email Caleb sent over. It’s that murder night video some more. The usual suspects: Garrett, Ian, JennaBot. Only this time the video plays on and in storms Melissa and the Liars’ reaction is the greatest thing this show has done since they stopped reading their text messages out loud in unison.

In case you don’t recognize Melissa even though she looks like Melissa and sounds like Melissa, Spencer goes, “It’s Melissa!”

For the first time ever, the Liars are all, “Done. We’re going to the police. Get your things.” But Spencer’s like, “No! She’s my sister!” Even Emily is like, “Nu uh, girl.” But Spencer whispers, “Christmas? Feety pajamas?” They agree she can have one night to talk to Melissa before they go to the police. Frankly, I don’t know why seeing her is such a game-changer for them, but who cares. Everything that has happened – that one twin that killed the other twin over the doll, Ali getting murdered on repeat, Jenna losing her eyeballs in the fire, Hanna losing her virginity to a vagabond, the satanic fashion show, Lucas’ muddy feet, those pig cupcakes, Jenna and her flute, Toby and that rocking chair, Emily getting poisoned, Caleb living in the air vents, Holden taking kung-fu to The Shire, Paige drowning Emily, Ashley strangling the wealthy widow, Ezra’s tomes of iambic pentameter, the Blind Girl Craft Fair, that gross little beast Noel Kahn, the way Melissa will blow off Soencer to cruise around town in Garrett’s dickmobile, all the wild animals that were slain for the sake of Aria’s earrings, all of everything in this and every world – has happened for one reason: So Spencer Hastings could get drunk.

Mona stops by Hanna’s to drop off a police report. “A” left it in her mailbox with instructions turn in Hanna’s mom for whoring or feel the wrath of the Rosewood’s shoplifting squad. She’s like, “Eh, maybe this ‘A’ cat is just bluffing.” Hanna’s all, “Tell that to the tire marks on my cleavage.” And either Mona is really “A” and trolling herself to an applaudable degree. Or else: Poor little lamb!

Hanna, Emily, and Aria creep off into the night to that address they bought from Vivian Darkbloom’s information supplier. Aria pants are like if Katie Fitch said, “You can have these pants when you pry them off my cold, dead body” and Aria pried them off of Katie Fitch’s cold, dead body. What they find is an abandoned law office. They start sneaking around like they do and then Caleb from the future pops his transient head up in the doorway. He screams, Aria screams, an alarm screams, and the Liars run off into the night like a pack of wounded hyenas.

Here’s what I think. I think Lindsey Shaw has one of the best voices on TV. The tenor, the timbre, the way she enunciates. It’s a marvel. And I think Troian Bellisario knows that. I think she sensed a challenge to her vocal eminence. And so she threw herself into drunken Spencer like nothing she’d ever done before, to secure our adoration. And goddamn. That’s really all I have to say about it. I guess Wrencer is a thing. I guess Wrencer shippers were happy. I don’t care. The universe exists for one reason and that reason is this reason:

Emily stops by Roswood Grill for some takeout and sees a black girl. Since Rosewood has only ever been home to two black girls, she figures there’s a fifty percent chance it’s Maya. It’s not. Outside, Paige is like, “My Sapphic senses started tingling so I came running. The ability to just know when your ex-girlfriend is having problems with her current girlfriend, that’s a thing, right?” Emily’s like, “Yes. Maya is either breaking up with me or dead or back at Bible Camp or working on a lesbian commune just outside of San Francisco.” Paige rolls her eyes, all, “That is just soooo Maya, amirite? When the going gets tough, she gets going – to drug prison.” They hug. Perrin Lamb sings, “Lay your broken words upon my ear.” And then Paige just goes for it. When she wants to drown a girl, she drowns a girl. When she wants to kiss a girl, she kisses a girl. Emily is like, “Seriously?” And Emaya shippers are like, “SERIOUSLY?!”

And Spencer’s still drunk, so we’ve got to get back to that.

Actually, she’s mostly hungover. But also, she must have destroyed half her brain cells last night because she’s totally forgotten the furniture whittler of her heart and settled for the British physician of her loins.

Not snogging are Aria and Ezra. In fact, Ezra’s been doing a little journaling on his own thank you very much, and he has come to the conclusion that maybe love doesn’t conquer everything after all. (You taught a master’s level course on The Great Gatsby and you’re only just now figuring that out, buddy? Pro tip: Don’t walk out into traffic.) I don’t think Aria and Ezra are ever really going to breakup. The weather would be wasted without them making up and making out in it, but I’ve never seen Lucy Hale cry like this. It’s too much. And Ingrid Michaelson is cutting your heart out also, with her sad sad song, in case you’re a monster and don’t feel sad looking at those panda bear-sized tears.

At home, Aria just keeps on crying until Ella finds her and demands to know what “A” has done now. Aria goes, “A isn’t the terrorist this time! Dad is the terrorist! You want Ezra out of my life? Congratulations, he’s out of my life! AND I AM OUT OF YOURS!” Pam would have popped Emily in the Jaw, Ashley would have shouted back at Hanna, Spencer is being raised by Balloo the Bear at this point, so who really knows how he would have handled it, but Ella is the greatest. She’s just like, “Right, of course you were still dating Ezra.” And so she follows Aria over to Ezra’s and asks them to explain this whole thing to her one more time. Ezra’s like, “You want to … process?” His eyes light up like Christmas and he scurries away to put on the kettle.

Spencer is doing a little homework, watching some videos of her sister doing some murdering, checking her stocks. You know. Just an evening. Melissa wanders in all, “Hey, do you mind leaving your communication devices and anything that might be deemed as ‘evidence’ on this table and following me into the backyard. I just need to get my rifle from under the sink.” Spencer happily follows her out the door like Old Yeller. Across the street, Ashley is like, “Hey, I saw that police report you and Mona left out. I don’t think it was Snape who sent it to you guys. I think it was the ghost that’s been trying to kill you these many years.” There’s a letter on Hanna’s bed from the abandoned law firm where the burner phone originated. Ashley’s like, “Man, I haven’t thought about that place since Melissa worked there, doing paralegal things and stuffing dead bodies in their basement.”

At school, Mona tells Hanna that she took the fall for her mom. She returned her stolen necklace and is going to jail and will Hanna please just kiss her on the mouth now or what. And over at the Marin’s, the doorbell rings. It’s a cop who is not Garret and he needs to talk to Emiily about Maya. Maya who has gone missing.

The Risen Mitten fires some shots at a target. An owl hoots her dispassion into the night. A lesbian cries with the sadness of a swimmer scorned. A rattlesnake rattles. A bee buzzes. A wolf howls. Oh, wait. Never mind. That wasn’t a wolf. Aria just realized her leopard skin sleuthing pants are ripped beyond repair. What a hard knock life she does lead. 

Play nice, I said! (I love you.)

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