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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (2.20) — The Lesbian, the Liar, and Puff the Magic Dragon

Awesome. Man, what an awesome episode of TV. Plots moving forward, mysteries coming unraveled, unholier alliances being formed, romances facing real-life challenges, self-aware in-jokes, two high-stakes climactic scenes, and the funniest title gag this show has ever done. Joseph Dougherty, who is also responsible for some of the other most exciting episodes of this show (“Through Many Dangers, Toils and Snares” for one), teamed up with newcomer Lijah J. Barasz on this one, and standing O for those guys; I think “CTRL + A” was the best episode of season 2B so far.

Rosewood High. After nudging/blackmailing Principal N00b into letting Emily back onto the swim team, Mona is nowhere to be found when the Sharks bring home their giant championship trophy this week. Emily wasn’t out of shape at all, I guess, even though she hasn’t been on the swim team since “A” poisoned her with Human Growth Hormone all those months ago. Must be all that cardio work she’s been doing running for her life. And the athletic making out with Maya, who is there with an adorable sign she crafted from poster board and glitter and markers and doobies.

Watch her face when Emily walks into the gym. She’s nervous, right, because this whole in-crowd/legalized extra-curricular activity thing just isn’t her scene. But also she’s like, “Hurrah!” And she made that poster. Emily is so glad to see her. But then, because it’s a day, her friends need to talk about the murder-mystery shenanigans they’ve got planned for the night and Officer Garrett has got bust up in there and arrest someone, or confiscate some student’s property, or return a trophy smeared with rat’s blood. And Maya just gets shuffled right back into the gym. Which will matter in a little while. Just you wait and see.

Other things of note: Spencer is sleeping over at Aria’s because of how her dad sired that X-Ray visioned voyeur from across the yard. Which: Obviously Spencer is just looking for an excuse to shack up with Aria. She didn’t have any problem living at home when her parents were housing known murderer/pedophile/sinister vegetable chopper Ian Thomas. Also, Caleb is still cracking the mystery of A’s phone until the cops take away his laptop, and if you love the way he’s been throwing around random computer words before, wait’ll you get a load of his dialogue this week.

To wit: Hanna’s like, “Dude, the cops taking your computer? That’s a problem.” And Caleb is all, “I’ve done an active-matrix biometric clean install, with gigaflop hard token hexadecimals. Plus, they’ll never get through my firewall.” It’s so funny how me and you are so well-versed in the ways of the PLL canon that we’re all just rolling our eyes and patting Caleb’s head and waiting for Hanna to explain to him (again) How Shit Works In Rosewood: “If Garrett touches a thing, it’s poisoned. If you push back against A, she’ll chop you into pieces and feed you to some ducks. If Detective Snape is on the case, exactly zero rules of reason or municipal law apply. And right now, all three of those things are happening in the vicinity of your laptop, which, may I remind you, contains like every porno Alison ever starred in and probably some new stuff A put on there for giggles.” So Caleb tries to remotely hack into his computer to erase whatever things whatever ghost planted on there, but he is locked out because it’s not online.

Aria and Holden have the following conversation, verbatim:

Aria: I can’t cover for you anymore unless I know why you’re a drug-pushing gay whose parents beat him in the ribs with a baseball bat.

Holden: Man, I hope no one’s life ever depends on your ability to solve a mystery.

Aria: I beg your pardon. I drive a van that is literally called The Mystery Machine.

Holden: I’m in a fight club, moron.

Aria: Dammit! Foiled again by logics!

She agrees to cover for him, then, since he’s not risking his life by selling drugs, but risking his life by brawling in underground lairs in Philadelphia in the middle of the night with other adorable/rabid hobbits.

Ella and Byron are sorting books for a book fair and arguing about whether or not Aria needs to continue to walk through an elderly detector every time she comes in and out of the house, and also be driven to and from every date with Holden, and also if she needs to be reminded to keep a balloon’s distance between the two of them at all times. (Oh, man. Remember when Hanna actually had to do that? At Ken Doll’s chastity club or whatever the hell that thing was. That’s where we met Lucas!) Ella wants to loosen Aria’s leash, and she means that literally: Aria has taken to wearing a variety of exotic-colored leashes as necklaces. Byron says no! Which is a thing he is now embroidering on all his clothes and pillows and business cards. “Byron says no!” Unless it’s him having an affair with a student. And then: Sure, OK, why not.

Spencer stops by Jason’s town square office (DiLaurentis Commercial Propeties: “You buy the land, we dig the holes with our hands”) but he’s not there due to selling the wacky weed to Maya. Or counseling her. Who knows. Maya was recently caught giggling at Noel Kahn and now she’s having a conversation in hushed tones with Jason. If she and JennaBot start up a jazz band next week, I think we may be in trouble. Anyway, Spencer waves him over, all, “Hey, brother.” And he’s like, “Did your father happen to mention why he bribed Alison with 15,000 dollars cash money to keep her quiet about the secret of our matching chins?” She’s like, “No, but I’ll run it buy him next time I’m home stealing jewelry to pawn.”

The Liars are in a restaurant we’ve never seen before, which means they’re not in Rosewood, because even Aria mentions in a little while how that town only has one eating establishment. The guy from the phone call last week shows up to talk to Aria about their buddy Vivian Darkbloom, while Hanna watches from a compact mirror like the least conspicuous spy you have ever seen in your life. She’s, like, blowing kisses at Aria and winking and mouthing, “We got your back, girl.” This guy is maybe the most worthwhile lead they’ve ever uncovered. He reveals that: a) Vivian hired him to track down a cell phone number from a person who was b) blackmailing her, and c) he actually managed to do it, before d) she dimed him out to his supervisor and got him fired. Also, he still knows the details of the blackmailer and he’ll happily give them up for a paltry sum of $2,000. (Just 15 percent of the money Jason found in that box under the floorboards of Georgia Granny’s house!)

What’s hilarious is that all the Liars just look at Spencer like, “Well, are you going to get two grand out of the ATM so we can pay this guy or what?” And Spencer is like, “My parents took away all my money when we were caught with that shovel! Come on!”

I love Caleb so much in this episode because he’s still so new to this whole Rosewood PD thing that he’s actually able to work himself up to eleven on the Righteous Indignation Scale because the cops still won’t give him back his laptop. We only hear his side of the conversation, but he asks for his laptop back and presumably Garrett is on the other end of the line going, “Why do you need it?” Real sly, Garrett. What a clever trickster you are. “Oh, because I’m trying to help my girlfriend solve the mystery of her best friend’s murder by decoding a bunch of photos of you holding various murder weapons and skulking around the dead girl’s bedroom and wearing Jenna’s panties. And I just want my laptop back so I can keep implicating you.” For real, though, Caleb is like, “BECAUSE IT’S MINE!”

Now, hold onto your vaginas ’cause it’s about to get as lesbian up in here as an L Word viewing party at a plaid convention in San Francisco on Pride weekend. Aria calls Ezra to tell him she’s gonna drop Holden off at fight club then meet him in Philly, and this homo over here, he goes, “Spiffing! There’s this new French vegan place I’ve been wanting to try!” OK, and then he updates his Facebook profile to include “Educated at Mount Holyoke” and then he checks the WNBA and LPGA scores and then he zips up his polar fleece and slips into his Birkenstocks and hops into his Subaru Outback and puts on the Indigo Girls “Closer to Fine” album and sings all the way to the food co-op about, “There’s more than one answer to these questions, pointing me in a crooked line!”

The face he makes, though. The side smile. It’s pretty great.

Officer Garrett, you’re looking even shiftier than normal; what’s going – ohhh. You want to steal Caleb’s laptop and hack into it to see how many movies he’s got on his hard drive called “So I Murdered My Blind Girlfriend’s Arch Nemesis with my Cop Hands, starring Garrett the Cop and His Cop Hands.” Detective Snape catches him and giggles about how fun it is to dick around with Rosewood students and their own personal shit, but then gets down to business. Remember Page Five of Alison’s autopsy report? The one that was missing from every hard copy and digital copy from every hospital and police precinct in America? Well, old Snivellus didn’t find the missing page, but he did find a security camera photo of the girls in their candy striper suits looking shady outside the morgue. Only took him like ten months to dig that one up.

Byron finds a note on his car: “Do you know where Aria is going to be tonight? I do. Lesboville, pop. Ezra Fitz.”

Emily is hosting a victory party for the Sharks, and she’s so hyped on the Under the Sea theme (due to her sexual high jinx at Maya’s place a couple of weeks ago) that she’s decorated everything blue, blue, blue, including her dress. She’s really geared up: icing cupcakes, humming The Little Mermaid lyrics about kissing girls, and just generally being radiant when Maya pops by with The Question. “Can we talk?” Outside she tells Emily that her parents – the hippie ones with the tattooed wedding bands and the free love and “down with the one percent” and and organic toothpaste – are going to ship her back to True North because they found a crusty old joint in her room after they’d unpacked some stuff from storage (including, note, a box of Alison’s shit). Emily goes, “I’d like to say I’m surprised, but my love life is strictly governed by Newton’s laws of motion. And in terms of equal and opposite reaction … well, let’s just say I’m frankly shocked you’re still alive after the joy of our scissor-fest the other week.”

Det. Snape calls Hanna and Ashley down to the precinct to talk about why he has a photo of Hanna and her buddies dressed up like candy stipers on the floor of Rosewood Hospital that houses page fives of autopsy reports and also that clinic where you get new eyeballs. Ashley’s like, “I’ve got this, Hanna. First of all, man whom I’ve seen naked, I’ve known Spencer Hastings for a long time and costumes are 30 percent of her entire identity, so the fact that she’s dressed like that is no surprise. As for Aria, just be glad she’s not wearing a dress made of trout gills with matching fish-eyeball earrings. And Hanna, well, she just completed Truth Up Day, so I think you’ll agree she’s reformed.” Boom! Lawyered!

Seriously, though: doesn’t he have a boss? Someone who would be like, “Dude, this case has been closed ever since that zombie confessed. And, honestly, your obsession with these children is starting to seem Office Garrett-levels of creepy.”

Aria’s Chamber of Living Breathing Accessories. Byron stops in to ask if she’s secretly meeting Ezra for a showing of God of Vengeance or “one of those other classic plays about a lesbian whore with a heart of gold.” Aria’s like, “No, I always get this fancy for the arcade, duh.” And Byron’s head just explodes right there on the spot because: lies. And speaking of exploding, Ella also stops by to remind Aria that Holden has a heart condition in which his heart will literally burst if he’s kicked in the ribs just right.

After finding out that Snape is after them again, Spencer tells Emily and Aria she’s going home – that’s how she says it, italicized like that – presumably to go through the laundry to see if any thousands of dollars fell out of her parents’ pockets in the washing machine. Her dad, home from Out Of Town for the first time since 2007, tries to apologize for fathering all the kids in the neighborhood, but Spencer just smacks him in the jaw and demands an answer about why he gave Ali all that cash. He says he didn’t. So I’m guessing it was Melissa, who is looking more and more like Ali’s killer every day. Reasons to kill Ali? Ali was: 1) Cheating with her boyfriend. 2) Cracking the code of Jason’s DNA. 3) Threatening to destroy her family and her relationship with Ian. Melissa is looking more and more like an accomplice to “A” also. Her apartment is right next to Smitty’s in Philly. She had access to the lake house where those creepy doll photos were taken. She’s still incubating a spawn of Satan in her uterus. Just … look out for that girl.

At Emily’s party, Maya is creeping in the shadows and when Emily tries to talk to her about her feelings, Maya does that thing. You know the one. That girlfriend test about, “Let’s ditch this party and go somewhere by ourselves so you can prove you love me best by letting me have your full attention while I sulk.” Emily’s like, “After the party we can go somewhere, sure!” And Maya is like, “Awesome. I’ll be outside. Do you have a lighter? Or a bong?”

Spencer meets Jason and he asks her a million questions about every detail of her conversation with her dad. She’s like, “I think you’re missing the point here, brother. What’s important right now is: where’s all that cash?”

All right. Now. This next bit is written and directed and edited brilliantly. Aria stalks Holden to his fight club, where they have a pretty poignant conversation about how you can wait around to die, or you can fight. Caleb calls Hanna and talks in code about how he needs her help because he’s about to bring his computer online at the police station. Byron stops by the French vegan place and camouflages himself in the corner, just waiting to pounce on Ezbian when he walks in the door. It’s high stakes, baby! And the jackpot is death, prison, and death!

Let’s go backwards. Aria texts Ezra talking about how she has to reschedule. Which: Rude much? Ezra is obviously thinking the same thing until he notices Byron enjoying some delicious Sapphic pastries at Chez ‘Mo. Ian Harding’s face is amazing when he ducks behind the wall and speedy quick walks away like James Bond, turning up the lapels of his coat.

Hanna is trying to break into Caleb’s laptop remotely while Caleb is handing over control to Snape. First, she can’t remember the password. It’s the number sequence at the end that’s giving her trouble. Luckily Spencer shows up, like, “Maybe it’s a date! What kind of date would a hobo choose?! The day he lived under a real roof?! The day he had sex in the wilderness for the first time?!” Hanna’s like, “Oh, of course!” They hack in and notice the folder named “Hefty” at the same time as Detective Snape. Spencer’s shouting, “CTRL A! CTRL A!” And Hanna’s hearing, “CONTROL ‘A’! CONTROL ‘A’!” And she literally goes, “THAT’S WHAT WE’RE TRYING TO DO!” Such a funny thing. Ashley Benson is a gem. They delete the files, Caleb goes free, Snape is outsmartted by the Scooby gang again.

Oh, and Holden doesn’t die in fight club. Byron calls Aria just to double check that they’re together. And they are. And they’re off the hook. Until, like Ella predicted, Holden’s heart explodes one night in a basement while Aria and Ezra are just snogging each other’s faces off in the rain.

And then there’s one other thing: Emily finds Maya lighting up on the back porch. And it’s so classic, so classic, right? Two teenage girls love each other. One of them is an insider and one of them is an outsider. The outsider will never truly be an insider, no matter how hard she tries. That’s just the rules of the high school food chain. You can make your girlfriend a poster and wait for her triumphant return from her sports crusade with open arms. But you’ll get shuffled out by the prom queen nine times out of ten, because the sea parts for the insiders and engulfs the outsiders. They’re Lady Gaga on the loudspeaker and you’re Wye Oak on your can headphones. So the outsider has to drag the insider out of her circle, away from the party. And if the insider won’t go? Then you act the f-k out and and smoke up in a place where she’s sure to find you and then give her an ultimatum about sacrificing her deal for your love. It’s gross, man. So gross. But you can’t blame Maya for doing the things ten badrillion girls have done before her. And you can’t blame Emily for going, “Are you f–king kidding me with this shit right now?”

Oh, if only love really did conquer all. (Although it does have a much higher success rate out of high school.) (Particularly Rosewood High School.) 

Hanna rushes into Caleb’s arms at the police station, Ezbian pulls that brown paper bag with the magic marker face over his head and slips off into the night, Emily calls Maya to talk it out.

Meanwhile, A watches from the window, wondering when Emily will go up to bed so s/he can break in and steal some of those leftover party cookies. Because even serial killers have sweet tooths. (Sweet teeths?)

Now, if you’ll indulge me in a moment of sappiness: It’s been a rough week here in Hoganville and your #BooRadleyVanCullen tweets were a real bright spot. Thank you for continuing to be the funnest fandom in the world.

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