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“Glee” Episode 313 Recap: Love Shack, Baby

First, let me thank Heather Hogan for taking the bullet for me last week when I wasn’t able to do the recap. I did finally watch the episode, and was able to fast-forward through the matador scene and thus avoid hospitalization, all thanks to her timely intervention. Much appreciated. So much so that this week, I arranged for Santana and Brittany to kiss. No need to thank me.

Now, on to “Heart,” my new favorite Valentine’s Day episode of any show. (Although to be honest, I don’t think my fave shows West Wing, Xena, or Queer as Folk ever did a Valentine’s Day episode. And you know, Cupid was an actual character on Xena. Played by a young, blond Karl Urban. But I digress.)

The Greatest Valentine’s Day teevee show ever opens with a little lovin’ in the choir room, as all the couples cuddle and kiss… including Santana and Brittany, but excluding our boy Kurt, who is sad and sulking because Blaine is apparently still laid up with a lacerated eyeball, thanks to the steaming pile of slithering slime that is Sebastian Smythe.

Will comes in and makes a virtue of necessity by declaring it “Greatest love songs of all time” week. More sad faces from Kurt at that. Really, how could Darren Criss hurt Kurt like that, just to star in a stupid Broadway show?

Anyway, Will says the club needs to raise $250 for hairspray, which is absurd, because Kurt alone needs that much.

“Oh, god, not another bake sale,” Kurt says, but no. Will has decided he’s going to subject his kids to the humiliation of trying to raise the money by serenading their fellow McKinley High students

Fortunately, Sugar Motta puts a stop to that with a wad of cash courtesy of her daddy, the one who donated the purple pianos and brought Shelby back to Lima. Apparently he’s got mobster-like levels of money.

I’m usually not in love with the new characters, since the more people who join the cast, the fewer storylines and songs there are to give to the under-utilized characters I love best, like Brittany and Tina. But there has never been a single moment since Sugar fake-Aspergered her way into the cast that I haven’t been her devoted fan. And this episode is definitely a Sugar showcase.

After Sugar bails out the Glee Club, she tells everyone to look under their chairs for a Valentine. (Artie‘s is in the trash, because his wheelchair kept moving.) Then she invites everyone to her Valentine’s Day party at Breadstix, dubbed “The Sugar Shack” for the evening.

“But you have to bring a date,” she warns. “No single people allowed. They’re sad and boring and they don’t exist in my world.” Which is odd because, as Mercedes points out, Sugar is single.

“Not for long,” she purrs.

Ever since Rachel and Finn made the mind-hurting decision to get married, I’ve been waiting to see what their parents are going to do when they find out. Mr. and Mr. Berry (Jeff Goldblum and Brian Stokes Mitchell) react by showing up in the April Rhodes Auditorium with a piano, serenading the lovebirds with “Goin’ to the Chapel” and showing nothing but support for the idea of their impending teen nuptials.

Hiram scolds LeRoy for his vocal embellishments on their number. “We agreed to sing it straight, no vocal runs. That’s how Jennifer Hudson got kicked off of American Idol.”

“I would love to hear you sing something straight,” LeRoy says.

Rachel asks what her dads are doing there, and Hiram tells her, “A little birdie, named Burt, who owns a tire store, and his little birdie wife who used to wear a lot of denim, told us that you guys were, uh, fixin’ to get hitched. So we thought we would return the favor and surprise you.”

Rachel seems to accept this as actually being possible. Our little dreamer.

Also, Tony Danza appears to be causing some tension in the Berry men’s relationship. It involves ice fishing.

Those who were thinking Glee needed yet another new character and more religion get their wish this week, when yet another Glee Project winner, Samuel Larsen, shows up as Joe Hart, a formerly home-schooled, dreadlocked sophomore who only knows Christian songs. We’re introduced to him at a meeting of the God Squad, a school group that appears to operate in defiance of the clear prohibition of school-sanctioned religious activity that was the cornerstone of “Grilled Cheesus.” The continuity on this show is just awesome.

Quinn calls him “Teen Jesus,” and Sam expresses thanks that there’s another guy on the Squad, while pointing out, you know, pointedly, that Shane isn’t. Mercedes shushes him, and they move on to their big plan for the upcoming holy day by doing serenades for pay as a way to raise money for a shoe drive.

I’m always up for some shoe shopping. But Teen Jesus’ plan to show kids it’s cool to be Christian by singing and playing the guitar was tried in the 60s and then there was that Godspell era, and overall, I think it’s already been milked for all its worth.

After the weekly meeting of the straight allies for Jesus, we head for the cafeteria where we learn that Kurt’s been receiving love notes and romantic gifts from a secret admirer, who he assumes is Blaine. He even gets a gorilla gram.

I will never understand what the point of Rory has been, other than to have him sing now and then. I know he has a lot of fans, who tend to yell at me on Tumblr when I say what I think, but if you like him, you have to agree he’s been wasted this season, and if you don’t, well… that’s a different kind of waste.

This week, he’s the designated obstacle Artie will have to overcome to win the fair Sugar. To a cute rendition of “L-O-V-E” by Tina and Mike (although I have no idea why they started dressing her in these odd straight-cut dresses that look like paper doll clothes and are hideously unflattering on her — I miss Goth Tina) we see Artie and Rory fighting over Sugar.

It’s really odd how I hated Artie briefly when he and Brittany were dating, and now I’m rooting for him to win Sugar’s heart. I sometimes suspect I’m very shallow.

Speaking of Brittany, she’s bouncing down the hall, pink heart-spangled laptop in hand, until she reaches Santana. “Happy Valentine’s Day,” she says, smiling.

Santana isn’t confused, just seeking clarification. “You’re giving me your computer for Valentine’s Day?”

But no. “It’s a playlist. With all the songs that I hear in my head when I’m with you or when I’m thinking about you. I wanted to make you a CD for Valentine’s Day, but this is as far as I got without any help, so… “

Let’s all take a moment to think about the fact that Brittany hears music when she thinks about Santana, or is with her. And also that she pasted together some graphics that I’m fairly sure she found on Tumblr, and made a sweet little CD cover to go with her playlist, featuring her and Santana cuddling.

Here, by the way, is the list:

Purple People Eater

Disco Duck

Monster Mash

On Top of Spaghetti

Pac-Man Fever

Osama Yo’Mama

Different Strokes

Oh, Brittany. I’ve missed you.

Santana, being a good and sweet girlfriend, leans forward to give her a kiss. We get it in slow motion, and I think, “Okay, they’re teasing the fandom.” And they are, because it’s kissus interruptus, as Principal Figgins shouts, “Teen lesbians! I must see you in my office, right now.”

In a scene written entirely by those of us who comment on these recaps, Figgins warns them that public displays of affection are not tolerated in the “sacred halls” of McKinley High. Or rather, they’re tolerated only when performed by people with opposite genitals.

Santana is not pleased. “This is such bull crap! Why can’t Brittany and I kiss in public? Because we’re two girls?”

Figgins at first denies this. “Please don’t make this about your Sapphic orientation. This is about public displays of affection.”

When Santana points out that no one seems to mind Finn and Rachel’s sloppy face-sucking (she calls it a “hideous display that… lasted for several uncomfortable minutes”), Figgins tries to calm her down (which is doomed, but hey).

“Believe me, I’d much rather see you and Santana kiss than that so-called Finchel,” he says, “But if a student files a complaint because, for religious reasons… “

“Oh. Great,” she says. “So it was some Bible-thumper that complained.”

“Ms. Lopez, I’m sorry, but I’m trying to keep this school from turning into a volatile powder keg,” Figgins tells her.

“I’m sorry, too,” Santana says, standing up. “Because all I want to be able to do is kiss my girlfriend, but I guess no one can see that because there’s such an insane double standard on this show at this school.” And she flounces out.

Finn and Rachel later show up at the Glee Club to announce their wedding plans.

Puck asks when the baby’s due, and Quinn is horrified. And while Rachel and Finn suspected Will had ratted them out to their parents, it turns out it was Kurt, who thinks their wedding is a terrible mistake.

Mike, Tina, and Artie are supportive, and then Artie shoos them off the floor so he can sing his love song for Sugar, Mario‘s “Let Me Love You” — which Artie does much better. Sugar jumps into his lap and I fully commit at that moment to the Sugartie ship.

Finn has signed up for a God Squad Valentine’s Day song for Rachel, because nothing says “I love you” to your Jewish girlfriend like being serenaded by a Christian fundraising organization, unless it’s giving your girlfriend meat because you forgot she’s a vegan. Teen Jesus and the gang sing an insipid song called “Stereo” that I’ve never heard before and hope I never hear again, with backup from Mercedes’ church choir. All this for ten bucks.

Rachel is charmed, however, and Santana decides she wants to get a song for Brittany, too. But not without a little Satan to go with her romance.

“So, you guys are a Christian group?” she asks Joe.

He agrees it is so.

“And if I pay, I can send a Vocal Valentine to anybody I want, right?”

“Ten bucks. That’s the deal,” he tells her.

And she pounces. “In that case, I would like to send one to my girlfriend, Brittany. And by that, I don’t mean my friend who’s a girl. I mean my girlfriend girlfriend. How does that sound?”

From the look on his face, it sounds like an express ticket to the hot place, but we don’t see his answer. Instead, we’re whiplashed back to the choir room, where a sad Rory says he’ll have to go back to Ireland and he’s going to miss everyone so much because they’re like a family to him, and sings Michael BublĂ©’s “Home.”

Which so moves Sugar she decides she pities him even more than she pities Artie, so he’ll be her date to the Sugar Shack party.

Okay, maybe I don’t love Sugar quite as much as I thought I did.

At the next meeting of the God Squad, they debate accepting Santana’s Valentine request. Not because Sam, Quinn, or Mercedes have suddenly transformed into homophobes, but because they think it’s okay for Joe to be one because he’s a Christian.

He seems a little lost, saying he’s never met a gay person.

“Oh, I guarantee you have,” says Quinn, with a look that launched ten thousand lesbian!Quinn fan fics.

“Yeah, they say that one out of every ten people are gay,” Mercedes says in earnest agreement. “And if that’s true that means one of the 12 apostles might have been gay. And my guess is Simon because that name’s the gayest.”

I think we all know it was John, the Beloved Disciple, the one who put his head on Jesus’ chest at dinner (John 13:23), but Mercedes’ logic is compelling if not canonical.

Sam also weighs in. “The Bible says it’s an abomination for a man to lay down with another man, but we shared tents in Cub Scouts and slept next to each other all the time. So that would make Cub Scouts an abomination?”

Quinn, the smartest person in the room, then says, “Do you know what else the Bible says is an abomination? Eating lobster, planting different crops in the same field, giving somebody a proud look. Not an abomination? Slavery. Jesus never said anything about gay people. That’s a fact.”

“Well, maybe he wanted to, but he didn’t want to hurt Simon’s feelings,” Sam says. And thus concludes the best Bible discussion I’ve ever heard in my entire life.

Later, Sam comes up to Mercedes at her locker, and tries to give her a little statue of St. Valentine he’s crafted from a nativity scene figurine. Mercedes says she’d told Shane about Sam, but that she’s not going to date Sam. She’s too ashamed of herself for cheating on Shane, making her the only person in the history of Glee to show remorse for infidelity.

She pretty much crushes Sam, though, and this leads into a stunning rendition of “I Will Always Love You,” the song made famous by Whitney Houston, and filmed and recorded for this episode long before the singer’s death earlier in the week. Which made it all the more powerful.

In flashbacks behind the song we see Shane crying as Mercedes talks to him, and in present time we see Sam doing the same as Mercedes sings in the choir room. For a brief moment he’s alone in an auditorium watching her on the stage, in a red satin gown, illuminated by spotlights, and then we’re back in the choir room. Both Mercedes and Sam are crying, and when she finishes singing, he leaves the room.

I once could take Samcedes or leave them, but oh, that hurt my heart. As much as I respect Mercedes for wanting time to know her own mind, and for regretting deceiving Shane, I’m starting to think those two are meant to be together.

On Valentine’s night, Clan Hudson-Hummel is at the Berry house for dinner, and Rachel joins her dads in a performance of “You’re The Top,” which under the circumstances struck me as wildly inappropriate. Then they had a lovely duck dinner (no idea what vegan Rachel ate) followed by teenage lovemaking.

Yes, the full extent of the plot against Rachel and Finn’s wedding plans now becomes clear as all four parents practically push the happy couple into Rachel’s bedroom. Where they get into a big fight because Finn needs to take a dump and Rachel feels that’s something he should do at his own house. (I am not making this up. That’s what happened.)

They kiss, make up, get into bed, realize it’s only 7:15, and head out to join their friends at Breadstix, but not before ruining any hope on the part of Hiram and LeRoy that their reverse psychological ploy worked. Seems the Finchel wedding is now moved up to May, right after Nationals.

Kurt arrives a little early at the Sugar Shack, obviously expecting to be “surprised” by Blaine. But it turns out to be someone else entirely who is his secret admirer.

“Karofsky,” Kurt says, stunned, as Dave pulls his gorilla head off.

They sit down. It seems that ever since running into Kurt at Scandals (you know, when he told him to keep an eye on his boyfriend?) he’s been carrying a torch for Mr. Hummel.

Kurt is kind but definitely not on board. “So, you tormented me, shoved me into lockers, called me horrible names and hate-kissed me. Now, after one conversation in a bar, you want us to be together?”

That about sums it up.

“When I was at McKinley, I hated who I was,” Dave says. “I took that out on you because there you were, so proud. I’ve wanted to call you since that night at Scandals, and, look, it’s taken me a while, but for the first time in my life, I’m tying to be honest about what I feel.”

“And I’m flattered, I-I-I really am, but Dave, you just think that you love me. You don’t really love me.” Dave, sweetie, that was a gentle let-down. Take it.

But Karofsky still has stars in his eyes. “Oh, you’ve helped me so much, Kurt, you don’t know. I haven’t come out at school yet, but maybe I will next year.”

Kurt says he’s proud of him for coming so far, and he wants him to be happy, but he’s with Blaine.

Dave didn’t, for some reason, see that coming, and rushes to leave despite Kurt’s offer of friendship. Kurt follows him, and Dave turns and says, “I hope you like the candies. The butterscotch ones are my favorite.”

And then some guy who maybe we’re supposed to know but I don’t recognize says, “Mine, too. Hey, Karofsky.”

Dave says, “Nick.” He’s totally freaking out.

“You guys hanging out for Valentine’s Day?” Nick asks.

Dave denies it, and Kurt tries to help him cover. “No, no. We-we used to go to the same school. We just bumped into each other.”

“That’s exactly what it looked like,” Nick says, clearly not believing it. And poor Dave just tears out of there, and I’m filled with a terrible sense of doom. Would this show really go there? Either to having Karofsky get bashed, or having him do something terrible to himself? Or is he going to dive back deep in the closet and start bashing again himself? I mean, they can’t just leave it like this. Right?

Anyway, the party gets started, and it appears Teen Jesus has resolved his moral crisis in favor of Team Gay, because they show up to sing a mash-up of the old Association song “Cherish” with Madonna’s “Cherish,” with love from Santana to Brittany.

The two of them nuzzle each other, and hug, all during the song. And then they get up and start dancing, sharing the floor with Mike and Tina, as Quinn leads the God Squad through the song. “You don’t know how many times I wish that I had told you…” such perfect Brittana lyrics.

And then Brittany and Santana, dancing in each other’s arms, kiss long and sweet and slow, mouths open, looking so beautiful and so in love that no matter how angry I’ve been over this show’s endless double standard, I instantly turned back into a 16-year-old girl and melted into a puddle of love.

So, was it enough to have Rachel’s gay dads, our two “teen lesbians,” sad panda Kurt and tormented Dave Karofsky respresent for the queers in this episode? It was not, because guess who walks in the door of Breadstix next?

Blaine. Wearing a heart-shaped red velvet eye patch that the tears off to sing a song dedicated to all the lovers in the room. And as Brittany, Rachel, Mercedes, and some of the others join him on the stage, he launches into the B-52’s “Love Shack.”

Then he dances off the stage and lures Kurt into singing with him, arms draped over each other’s shoulders and hips pumping while they sing into their matching red sequined mics.

And that’s our very Happy, very Queer, Valentine’s Day episode of Glee.

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