“Glee” Episode 312 Recap: Ay Dios Mio!


Note: I’m subbing in for Christie Keith who was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with critical second-hand embarrassment last night after watching Will Schuester gyrate around in a matador costume. Just kidding. Christie is on vacation, but she’ll be back next week just in time for the Glee Valentine’s Day extravaganza!

Previously on Glee, Ryan Murphy hammered the gavel he keeps on his nightstand and declared, “Season 3 will be a season of stories, not stunt-casting!” But lo, The Boy Who Lived concluded his run on Broadway and a StarKid was summoned in his stead. A conundrum: According to The Code, at least seven AfterElton.com Hot 100 contenders must appear in every given episode of Glee. With Darren Criss succeeding in business, how could the quota be filled? An answer: Ricky Martin.

Honestly, you guys, it’s like Glee‘s production team just scrolled through the Hot 100, all, “Regular cast member, regular cast member, guest star, guest star, Anderson’s too busy with the election — oh, hey, how about number ten here, Ricky Martin?”

How about it.

Mr. Schue is doing his yearly rendition of “La Cucaracha,” shaking his maracas and feeling all right, until he notices every student in his Spanish class — like every person in America — staring at him with open disdain and incredulity. Things get real meta real fast. He’s like, “Wasn’t there a time, like back in season one, when people thought I was great? When I wasn’t forced to wear silly costumes and say ridiculous things and generally act like an asshole?” I am inclined to say yes. Santana is inclined to say no.

Naomi, Emily: What do you guys think?

Principal Figgins calls Will into his office for a bit of reprimanding and lets it slip that there’s a tenured teaching position opening up. Which: Ha. Ha! HA TO INFINITY! Everyone is tenured at McKinley High. Sue has buried at least 100 bodies under the bleachers in the gym. NeNe Leakes drowns students in the pool on the regular. Emma steals cleaning supplies and stockpiles them in storage lockers all around town in case of some sort of germ Apocalypse. Coach Beiste keeps a flock of chickens for slaughtering just outside the football field house. And Will finds new ways to be criminally insufferable every week. No one gets fired at this school. In fact, I’ll prove it to you: Let us now engage in a drinking game in which we take shots every time a teacher commits a fireable offense. Two shots if the offense is also a felony in the state of Ohio.

Will decides to go to night school to learn some things and be introduced to this week’s agent of existential crisis, Mr. David Martinez, a Spanish instructor with the face of an angel and the mental alacrity of a Fox & Friends host. He explains that Americans will all be speaking Spanish by the year 2030, which is, of course, absurd. By 2030, we’ll all have our own personal hoverboard, a gadget that will make our lives so complete we’ll have no need to communicate with other human beings.

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