Gay Girl’s Goggles: “New Girl” SnapCap (1.10) — A stripper with a crotch of gold


When Fox was dolling out timeslots for its fall schedule, it was all, “Oh, we’ll just give New Girl a lead-in with our most popular show ever.” No one — and I mean no one — would have ever guessed that New Girl would be pulling in more viewers than Glee before mid-season. But here we are: Last night New Girl returned after a five-week hiatus and was the highest-rated show on any network. 

“The Story of the 50” is really a non-linear approach to telling Schmidt’s 29th birthday story. It starts with his roommates shouting at him to put an all-time high $50 in the d-bag jar, and then shows us how he got there. After losing his party bus to a commercial client, Schmidt decides to cancel his birthday party, but Jess, being Jess, comes to the rescue by borrowing a bus (and drugs) from her school, booking a stripper, and inviting all of his friends to surprise party. The party is a wild success until the bus crashes into a light pole and all of the guests are forced to take taxis home. Well, all of the guests except for Jess and Schmidt, who wait together for the tow truck. While they’re waiting, Schmidt tells her the party was tens across the board — and then he tries to kiss her. DOUCHEBAG JAR.

The B-story this week revolves around Nick’s new lady love, and her first introduction to is friends, which brings us to …


LIZZY MOTHERF–KING CAPLAN! I feel like that’s all I need to say. Seriously. It’s like when someone has such authority over you that they say, “Jump!” and you say, “How high?!” Lizzy Caplan is the ultimate lesbian bait. Janis Ian, you guys. Casey Klein. Amy Burley. I say, “Lizzy Caplan” and you should be saying, “Where do I watch this episode right this second?” Caplan plays Julia, a lawyer with an anger management problem. In fact, it’s her fists of justice that cause the school bus to careen into a sidewalk. She sees one of Schmidt’s college buddies acting like a wanker, and she just clocks him. Nick’s like, “I should be ashamed of how turned on I am by your crazy.” And she’s all, “Just go with it.” I would and I will, Caplan, due to my:


Schmidt is no Tom Haverford, but he’s skirting awfully close in my esteem. This week we got a glimpse into his backstory: He was just a chubby undergrad trying to make his way in the world when he fell under the curse of some Bros who started dragging him to parties called “Bros Before Hoes On The Moon” and the like. Oh, Schmidty. You never stood a chance. 


Zooey Deschanel was sweet this week, and not in a twee way. In a competent, adorable way. Buuuut: 


“Ooh, Jess, I just found a Groupon for hypnosis lessons. Think about what you can do with that. Sex stuff” // “Look, guys, has anyone seen my good pea coat?” // “Have you seen my shark-skin laptop sleeve?” // “Darn it, has anyone seen my croquet cleats?” // “Hey Jess, have you seen my other time piece?” // “Dammit!I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere!”

“I’d really like to see her jugs first. You know, just so I do right by my bro.”

“I’d like to order a stripper, preferably of Asian heritage, with a heart of gold. And a crotch of gold.”

What did you think of Lizzy Caplan “The Story of the 50”?