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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.15): You always hurt the ones you love

To quote ancient cavemen: FIRE BAD! FIRE BAD! FIRE BAD! And to carry their eloquent, prescient warnings further, fire in this episode is a metaphor for the white hot-emotions simmering just under the surface for our Det. Jane Rizzoli and Dr. Maura Isles. But while our resident LLBFFs reenact their own private Backdraft on the inside, Boston’s finest firefighters are doing it on the outside as a factory fire burns uncontrollably. And things get much too hot for one poor firefighter. Like I was saying, fire bad.

Back in cooler climates, Jane is trying to cajole Joe Friday into doing his business. But then she gets fed up and tells him to stay out there all day for all she cares (Treating your pets like human beings and becoming overly invested in their refusal to follow your simple commands? Nothing super lesbian about that.) As she leaves to go inside, FBI Agent Gabriel “I Look Like I Haven’t Showered In Weeks” Dean strolls up with a bouquet of flowers in hand. They’re pink. Remember when Jane’s mom tried to paint her apartment pink? What was it Jane said again? Oh yeah, I hate pink. Just an observation.

Agent Dean gives Jane the flowers and she gives him a nice big friendship hug. She asks him what he is doing there, which is a valid question because I forgot he ever existed and ever pretended to have chemistry with Jane. He requested a transfer to D.C., which is still a bit of a commute to Boston. And then he leaves. It’s my favorite part of this episode so far.

Over at Casa Isles, Mama Rizzoli and Mother Isles walk in on Maura attempting to make a perfect cup of espresso. She gets flustered when her mother walks up and lets out an adorable “dammit.” I’m trying to recall the last time I saw Maura both flustered and cursing. It’s pretty damn adorable. Mother Isles is apparently staying with Maura, which clearly means the mother-in-laws are comparing notes about Jane and Maura. No wonder Maura is flustered.

Jane and Maura walk to the factory crime scene together ostensibly taking about Agent Dean but really doing a status check on their own relationship. Jane says “Dean asked me to dinner.” Maura says “So go,” but a little too quickly and defensively. Maura asks whether Casey and Dean know each other. Right, because nothing makes the awkward situation of talking about your girlfriend’s two beards more awkward than bringing up whether they know about each other’s existence.

And then Maura, who knows exactly how to twist the knife, says Dean only left for Afghanistan because Jane wouldn’t read the Sunday paper in bed with him. Nope, she only does that with Maura. You have to set clear limits with your beards. Maura says Jane can’t even call Dean by his first name, Gabriel. Oh, Maura, you know Jane only calls you by your first name. Everyone else is Frost, Korsak, Dean. Jane calls Gabriel’s name “weird” and “biblical.” And she certainly doesn’t want to get biblical with any Gabriel. Now someone named Maura, that’s another story.

The firefighters bring out their fallen comrade. Frost and Korsak start talking about the case. The jeans factory fire appears to have been started by a faulty space heater. They then bicker, like the work husbands they are, about whether the skeezy owner of the factory is “old” and who filled up the tank last and then Jane asks if they need a moment alone to they can “fight.” And if there’s one thing Jane knows about, it is when two co-workers with undeniable chemistry need a minute alone together to “fight.” Or, you know, some other descriptive action verb that begins with the letter “F.”

Back in the autopsy room, Jane says she never understood guys who want to run into burning buildings. Maura looks at her hero girlfriend and says, “You chase murderers.” Jane says back, “not if they’re on fire.” Aw, if deflecting her own heroism was a sport, Jane would have more medals than Michael Phelps.

And then Maura does that thing she does to equal parts impress and annoy Jane. You know, that “fun facts” thing. She asks if Jane knows why firefighters call their outfits “bunker gear.” But when Jane knows that one already so a disappointed Maura moves on to an even more obscure fact about who first invented the helmet. And with that one she succeeds, much to her not-so-secret satisfaction, at getting Jane to ask her if her brain ever gets tired with all the “useless information” she stores in there. Maura tells her no, her brain never gets tired. And then gives Jane that look that says she plans to tire another part of her body out with her later that night.

Jane wonders why the firefighter’s mask and gloves are scorched, but the rest of him is unharmed. Scientific babble from Maura naturally ensues where she calculates that the heat that scorched the firefighter is higher than the heat generated by the factory fire. Maura tells Jane she wrote an article on just this in the Journal of Combustible Science. Dude, is there really a Journal of Combustible Science because that sounds awesome? Really, more kids would go into science if they knew there was a whole journal about its combustible aspects.

Jane agrees and says it was a “fabulous article” and the “loved the photos.” I always knew our little Janey was a read the magazines for the photos and not articles kind of gal. Maura helpfully offers to print the article for her and Jane tenderly stops her with a little Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching and says, “Maura, why waste paper, I’ll read it online.” So environmental, that one. We’ll make an Earthy Crunchy Lesbian out of Det. Jane Rizzoli yet.

But no, our Janey was exercising her other favorite lesbian trait: sarcasm. Maura recognizes this and says, “You’re not going to read it. ” And then she gives her a little look again, but this one is all, “Fine, snark at me all you want. There’s plenty of room on the couch for you to sleep tonight.”

Maura then says she knows Jane is going to dinner with Gabriel. Jane gives her a little eye sex smolder back and asks how she knew. To which Maura replies, “You brushed your teeth.” Hm. Now how would Maura know Jane brushed her teeth? Let’s think, let’s think. Did she watch Jane brush her teeth? No, probably not. Did she brush Jane’s teeth for her? No, no, probably not. Did she get so close to Jane’s mouth that she could taste the toothpaste and feel the minty freshness? Well, you know, proper dental hygiene is important.

Then, so she can keep a close eye on Jane’s dental hygiene, Maura suggests she double date with Jane and Dean, since she already has reservations for dinner with her mother. Jane replies: “Oh — you, me, Gabriel and your mother? How can I say no?” Yep. Because nothing says “fun double date” like going out with your LLBFF, your LLBFF’s mom and your beard boyfriend. Jane says if it was anyone but Maura it would be “the creepiest idea ever.” Which is true. Maura makes even the prospect of that whole table’s worth of awkward and uncomfortable seem appealing.

Speaking of a different “A”-word, Jane asks Maura if she just uttered it when she mentioned evidence that was returned from the Arson Squad. Jane asks if it was indeed arson and Maura replies: “No. Yes. No.” These are the signals you’re sending Jane when you offer to double date with your mom and her beard, Maura. It’s very, very confusing.

Also kind of confusing, the sudden emergence of Maura’s Asian lab assistant who was rumored to be joining cast this season. Remember her? She was supposed to be all edgy and a Dr. Isles protégé? Guess that role either got downsized or never happened. But it’s still nice to see an Asian sister up in the Boston Medical Examiner’s lab, however how brief. Holla!

While talking about arson, Maura’s eye wander. Sheesh, girl, how many times do I have to say this — Jane’s eyes are higher. While feasting on Jane’s finer attributes she says she thinks Gabriel is a good match for Jane. Hello, projecting. Jane says, “Nobody asked you, yenta.” because she already know who she makes a good match with. And it’s the lady who can’t stop eyeballing her lovely lady lumps.

Later that night Maura leaves her single date with her mom (sheesh, Jane, you could have at least stopped by with your beard for an appetizer) all smiles. Mother Isles is being sweet and all, “I wish we’d done this more. I wish that I’d stopped being busy and just enjoyed you.” And, as seasoned watchers of entertainment media, we know this much parental approval is often followed by a traumatic familial event. So everyone, please take a moment to deeply, deeply appreciate the pretty that is Sasha Alexander and Jaqueline Bisset walking arm-in-arm while smiling at each other. Gorgeous, no?

And then, ahhhhh! A car out of nowhere is revving at them. Mother Isles pushes Maura out of the way and gets hit, rolling onto the windshield and then back onto the street. Um, I told you to appreciate the pretty while you could.

Back at Jane’s she is prepping for her hot “date” with Dean. And by “prepping,” I mean she looks peeved and uncomfortable as anyone who is about to go out with her beard while her girlfriend is elsewhere would look. But she does look nice in her red dress. Dean agrees, even though he still looks like a total schlub and apparently still hasn’t showered. He’s also carrying a take-out bag.

Jane looks rightfully disappointed, and is all, “Yo, Gabby, the whole point of being a beard is to go out together in public. So people can see us together in public. So we’re together in public. PUBLIC. If I wanted to stay in and have dinner I would have just called Maura.” Gabby says he wants her all to himself, to which Jane says he can take her out because she won’t run away with the busboy. Nope, but she will run away with the Chief Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

And then the invisible proximity sensor that goes off in Maura’s head whenever Jane is too close to a male of the species goes off and she calls Jane to interrupt the moment. Also, there was the thing about her mother. Jane runs to the hospital immediately. I mean it, she practically leaps off the elevator. They embrace, several times.

Sure, they’re not the kind of oh-la-la embraces they’ve had in the past with the jumping and humping. But they are real, tender embrace where you hold the person you love so hard because if you don’t you’re afraid they might fall to pieces.

Frost is already working the hit-and-run reenactment, and Maura tells Jane to “go and do what you do better than anyone I know — find the bastard who did this.” So she does, and Frankie is there too. When someone hurts one Rizzoli’s lady, all the Rizzolis will make you pay. But not before Frankie tells Jane to stop wearing “dumb shoes” to crime scenes that make her feet hurt. Yep, even Frankie knows Jane is a sensible shoes type of gal.

The hit-and-run accident wasn’t an accident at all, he was gunning for Maura. And just then Maura’s biological dad, Paddy Doyle, shows up in the hospital and jumps her. That man needs to seriously work on his warm, nurturing parenting skills. He says he came to check on Maura and Mother Isles because she is a good woman.

Maura is equally unimpressed with his parenting skills and says she’d rather not be reminded that he fathered her. She says she’ll give him to the count of three to leave before she screams. In desperation, he says he’ll tell her who her mother is and Maura replies that she doesn’t like to be toyed with. Fierce Maura is fierce.

Jane arrives and they talk about Daddy Doyle and whether Maura wants to know who her biological mother really is. Jane says they’ll catch him and Maura says she’s not sure she wants them to. Jane says she doesn’t know if everything will be OK, but that she is here for her. Then they have some hushed and concerned eye sex, which given the grave nature of the situation is really just another form of comfort. So stop having such filthy minds, you horndogs.

The team is working both cases — the possible arson and the hit-a-Maura. Jane tells Frost and Korsak that Doyle is back in town, but she didn’t notify authorities. Still, she knows they’ll have to take him down at some point. Frost asks how Maura will feel about that and Jane says, “After all this, I hope relieved.” Hey, did you catch that foreshadowing? Because I could rewind it for you if you like.

Gabby shows up at Jane’s house that night with a six-pack of beer. Jane gives him a look like, “Really?!” He says he came back for one reason. Which was to drink the six-pack with Jane. Jane tells him, “Things may have gotten a little complicated. There may be someone else.” Her name is Dr. Maura Isles. She’s got beautiful shiny hair and a rack that makes the angels weep. She’s also mad smart and actually showers before showing up at my apartment.

And then my TV cuts out. It’s the weirdest thing. Anyone know what happens? Because the next thing I know Jane is waking up and slapping Gabby’s hand off her face with an annoyed look. And then she says, “Oh crap, I’ve got to go check on Maura.” Because that’s what good girlfriends do the first thing when they wake up with a weird shirtless guy in their bed. My theory on how they got that way? Gabby dropped the six pack while walking to Jane’s apartment, so when they opened the bottles they exploded all over their clothes. This being Jane, she had nothing clean to wear because it was laundry day. So they stripped down and got under the covers to stay warm. And then they woke up that way together.

Really, it’s the only possible explanation because when Gabby asks Jane what he can do for her, she says, and I kid you not: “Yeah, you can go away.”

Back at the police cafeteria, Mama Rizzoli is giving Maura some special mom-in-law TLC. She says she won’t leave until she finishes her pancakes, which she made special with quinoa because Dr. Oz said so. Everyone knows there is no great and powerful Oz, right? It was just a little, scared man behind a curtain. I don’t care what Oprah says.

Jane shows up and the Rizzoli women look at their lovely Maura together with worry. Jane then asks for pancakes, but Maura warns her they’re gritty. So she asks for mac-n-cheese instead. Maura tells her it’s a lot of empty calories. Looking after your lady’s health and waistline is equal parts sweet and selfish. Jane tells Maura she told Gabby about Doyle being back in town, but he promised not to do anything until she said he could. Maura thanks her, because it’s always good to know your girlfriend has her beard under her thumb.

The team tracks down the perp’s car, and Maura gets overwhelmed at the scene when she seems her mother’s blood on its bumper. Jane, her hair in a loose Ponytail of Righteous Justice, comforts her. When Maura gets back to the hospital Doyle is there. He shows her pictures of herself he carries with him in his wallet, and said he always wanted to be the kind of man who could be her father, but is just a low-class thug from South Boston instead.

He tells her a little about her birth mom, who had Maura when she was 18 and was brilliant and beautiful. Well, no surprise there; look at her daughter. Then Mother Isles wakes up and says she thought she heard “Patrick” in the room. That, friends, is what we call the plot thickening. My theory, Mother Isles and Maura’s mother are perhaps related. A sister? A close family friend?

Maura is back in the office working to distract herself because if she doesn’t she’ll cry. Jane hands her a washer they found in the car that hit her mom. Lo and behold, it is the same washer that is missing from the space heater that caused the factory fire. And, boom, the cases are related.

Maura then finds some more interesting evidence about the substances found on the fallen firefighters mask and the hit-a-Maura driver’s floor mats. She gathers Jane, Frost and Korsak to demonstrate and says a lot of sciency words. Jane asks her to say it “in Earthling.” She does, sort of, and then Frost asks for “even more Earthling.” I love it when they ask Maura to dumb stuff down for them.

She opts for the show-don’t-tell approach and causes a little lab explosion to demonstrate. The firefighter’s mask and gloves were coated in a combustible compound and then douses to start the high-intensity fire. And the same compound was found on the floor mats. So they realize the killer was in the fire with him.

So they zero in on the other firefighters in Engine Co. 15. Seems someone else in the company was suspicious about the company, and it was the deceased firefighter. He was investigating all of their fire calls. And he was about to uncover that while they were all ruled accidental, they were set around the same time and day. So they need to flush out the firefighter who started them. And they’re going to use Maura as bait. Bad idea, guys, really bad idea.

So Maura creeps around the burned out factory in her kicky boots and the bad firefighter comes to finish her off. He says he set all those fires to show the public and city it can’t keep laying off firefighters, or something. Luckily Jane, Frost, Korsak and Frankie are also there. As is Gabby, much to Jane’s chagrin. But then, just as the bad fireman is about to pull his gun on Maura, Daddy Doyle emerges from nowhere and guns him down to save his daughter.

Gabby then pops out and tells Doyle to drop his weapon. Jane screams “No!” at him, but I guess her beard isn’t as well trained as we thought. He shoots Doyle. Doyle shoots him. Jane and raises her gun at Doyle. Now it’s Maura’s turn to scream “No!” But then Jane shoots Doyle. Jesus, Frost, you couldn’t have taken the shot? Your gun was raised first and everything. Your reaction speed sucks.

Doyle falls from the catwalk onto the ground floor and Maura runs to him. Jane is close behind, screaming Maura’s name. Doyle says, “Hope” with what I’m presuming is his last breathe. Yeah, that’s totally Maura’s mom’s name. I’d put money on it. Jane goes to put her jacket under Doyle’s head and Maura snaps at her, “Don’t touch him! No, I mean it, don’t you dare touch him!”

And then, then it ends with a look of furious betrayal on Maura’s face and the look of hurt bewilderment on Jane’s face that will be seared into our collective memories until summer finally gets here. Group hug, guys, group hug. But think of it this way, an ending like that just means we are in for some truly, truly epic “sorry-I-shot-your-mob-boss-biological-father” make-up sex when the show returns. Right? Um, right.

So, thanks for playing along as always Rizzles gals. And with that here are your #gayzzoli tweets. Hug it out, guys — hug it out.

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