Girls are dancing in these mid-riff baring numbers and for a second I think best opening to Rizzoli & Isles ever and then I realize the girls are all way, way young and I have to go find some soap and a brush to scrub those split-second inappropriate thoughts from my brain tissue. It’s some sort of dance competition complete with stage moms with video cameras and a dance coach with a shiny, shiny jacket. But then their age inappropriate performance is interrupted by a woman staggering onto the stage with scissors sticking out of her chest. Yes, scissors. Death by scissoring? Oh, Rizzoli & Isles, you cheeky little monkeys.
Back at Casa de Det. Sexy McBadass, our gals are getting all sweaty while hitting it together. What? That is technically accurate. Jane is teaching Maura self defense moves on her boxing dummy. Jane is decked out in a black tank top and her Ponytail of Sporty Butchness. Maura is decked out in a mauve boat-neck yoga top and her Hair of Shiny Magnificence pulled into a loose ponytail. Yes, I realize describing what they’re wearing in careful detail seems gratuitous, but there’s precious little gratuitously gay this week so I am milking it for every last drop.
Jane tells Maura to assume the fighting stance, and when her lady complies she says, “Nice.” Because, come in, it’s pretty nice. And then she says if he’s coming at me you — and delivers a hard right to the eye area. Maura looks on in horror. In her little doctor head she is calculating the occipital damage and kind of surgery needed and recover time afterward. But mostly, she’s thinking, damn, that would kill all my eye sexing with my Jane for months.
So she tells Jane, “That could do serious damage to the cornea.” And Jane replies, “This is my thought, yes.” Those two. Maura says she’d rather give her attacked a jab-jab-hook like she practices in her boxing workout class. Jane, trying her best to be a patient good girlfriend, says that that’s all fine and good but by the time she finishes saying “jab,” the rapist will have her in the guest house.
Maura starts talking about Jane’s dad. Oh yeah, remember Jane’s dad? He apparently has some new bimbo, which is fine because Mama Rizzoli and Korsak are going to make that love connection and then become uber parent-y to Jane and Maura and it is just going to be the cutest thing ever. Maura asks if Mama R knows about Papa R’s lady friend and then Jane’s phone rings and she says she’ll tell her right now. But no, it’s just operations telling them about the scissoring death. So Jane says they’ve got to wrap up their “training” in a hurry so she helpfully instructs Maura with a “harder” and then “good.” Yeah it is.
At the crime scene, Jane and Maura go to see the body. Maura says she always wanted to be a competitive dancer, but her mother was a purist and only let her study Russian ballet. Jane calls it “Little League with sequins.” OK, now I have a strong and unshakeable urge to see Jane in a Little League uniform covered in sequins.
Korsak and Jane go to the dressing rooms, where he keeps ignoring calls from his ex, Melody. She wants him to help finance her yoga studio, but he still hasn’t been able to see her son. I don’t know, it’s a lot of breeder problems happening and I’m kind of drifting back to the beginning when Jane and Maura were all sweaty and hitting it again.
The murdered dance mom’s daughter, Dakota, was the star of the troupe. But she wouldn’t let her compete nationally. So you know, no red flags there. Speaking of red flags, Jane gets a call from the commander that’s really for Korsak and, yes, even more breeder problems. Korsak’s ex-stepson is accused of shooting a cop while robbing a sporting goods store. Melody shows up, drama drama drama.
But back to the case, which is only somewhat more interesting. Actually the case isn’t that interesting. But the way Jane is standing here in her sexiest of badass Det. Sexy McBadass poses is pretty damn interesting. (p.s. Belated but deserved hat tip for the Det. Sexy McBadass moniker to the lovely @DiamondGirl774.)
Jane goes to see Maura in the autopsy room. Maura asks about Korsak, and then spouts some statistics about juvenile delinquents and broken homes. Jane calls it a “fun fact,” and we all know how much Jane loves Maura’s fun facts. Admit it, honey, you live for Maura’s fun facts.
Maura notices the victim was a natural blonde who went brunette. She says that’s odd because not too many blondes do that, except Keira Knightley and Drew Barrymore. Jane gives her that, “Been ogling the hot girls on the supermarket tabloids again?” look. Maura is so busted, and begs Jane not to tell people. I can see why Maura would be a Keira girl, kind of long and lean like her Jane. But Drew is an interesting choice, perhaps our little geek has a wild streak.
Maura discovers the mom has foot deformities from starting to dance at a young age. Jane admits to four years of “forced ballet,” which perks Maura’s interest quite a bit. Oh please, oh please, practice deep knee bends together later. Jane asks if the victim’s feet means she was a serious dancer as well, and Maura hedges. Then Jane gives her girlfriend a lesson in simple, affirmative or negative responses. Yes or no? And then has her practice, “Yes! No! Yes! No!” And her accompanying faces? Priceless.
Did everyone else’s minds just go to a naughty place? Just me? Whatever, you all are just too scared to admit it.
Jane finally gets Maura to say “yes,” and then calls the victim “pretty, in an artificial sort of way.” Trying to make your girlfriend jealous over a dead woman. Jane, you should be ashamed. Ashamed I say. The victim, it seems, has had extensive plastic surgery. Don’t go getting any ideas, Maura. You are perfect just the way you are.
Back in the office with Frost, he’s talking about how he doesn’t get dance. Jane executes a perfect twirl I’m sure there is a more technical ballet word for this, but it’s so adorable I am calling it a twirl because a butch doing a twirl makes my heart do just that. (p.s. I know it’s a pirouette. No angry comments, dance aficionados.)
Then she defends dancing and figure skating as sports to Frost, whose thoughts on the matter are somewhat less than evolved. So man “sports” like bowling and golfing are real sports but woman “sports” like dancing and skating aren’t. Someone needs to go to sensitivity training to earn his rainbow certificate immediately. Now I love ERA Jane here, but is it just me or was she bagging on dancing as a sport not too long ago. Guess prolonged exposure to Maura’s dancer’s body changed her tune. Ahem.
Speaking of dancers, video of some dance moms from hell getting into it with the victim convince Jane and Frost it is time to go visit the dance studio again. Jane strolls in and I swear, the dance moms look at her like a Desperate Housewife looks at the pool boy. I mean, how could you not? The swagger, ladies, the swagger.
One of the dancers runs in late wearing shiny pink booty shorts and gets roundly chastised by the dance coach. OK, now I like the dance coach. Booty shorts have no place in a civilized society. Well, at least not on underage girls. Jane rightfully whispers to Frost, “Booty shorts are the gateway outfit.”
Jane and Frost interview the dance moms. The first thinks Dakota dropped her daughter on purpose during a routine. The other thinks she stole one of her jazz shoes. They’re both dressed with a little too much skin showing for a serious trip to the police station. And the second brings her own evidence because, as much as she’d like it, she knows Jane didn’t invite her down to the office for coffee. Jane’s face is all, “Not even if you were the last pair of silicone boobs on the planet, lady.”
Korsak is getting shunned by his fellow police. And getting shunned by his stepson. I feel bad for him and all, but mostly I’m just thinking about how his screentime means less screentime for Maura and Jane. Which then makes me feel bad for myself.
Finally, Jane goes to see Maura again. Maura has uncovered evidence of much more extensive plastic surgery. She hands Jane an X-ray of the victim’s wrist, to which Jane muses, “She got a boob job on her wrist?” Oh, Jane, always with the boobs. But no, the X-ray is to show that the victim had several spiral fractures on her wrists from a decade ago, evidence of possible domestic abuse. Maura again hedges saying they could be skiing injuries, which are common in the ankles because of the inflexibility of the boots. Jane — who really thought she’d made progress with the yes/no lesson from earlier — says she doesn’t think the victim was doing handstands in skiing boots, and Maura has to agree. Also, Maura, Jane’s eyes are higher.
So, extensive plastic surgery, evidence of past abuse, not willing to let her daughter perform nationally. We can all see where this is going. Hey, someone call U.S. Marshal Mary Shannon from In Plain Sight. Our victim was in the Witness Protection Program.
They head back down to Maura, who is complimenting herself about achieving the “perfect baseball stitch.” See, isn’t it sweet how these gals’ are starting to appreciate each other’s interests. Jane with the dancing and Maura with the baseball. They ask Maura to help them recreate what the victim looked life before the surgery and she is more than happy to oblige, grabbing a scalpel and going right to her face.
Jane asks, “What are you doing?” in semi-horror and Maura responds, matter-of-factly, “Peeling off her face.” She says it is more hands on. Of course she likes things “hands on.” Oh, Dr. Maura Isles. You are just the cutest/grossest/dirties/cutest some more.
Korsak’s subplot interrupts the gross/cute/dirty. His stepson’s delinquent friend is brought in, says Josh did it all on his own. Then Korsak goes to confront Josh. The dumb little punk still won’t talk. Korsak blows up and so do I because the sooner he talks the sooner his subplot is over.
In the cafeteria, Mama R is killing her competition with kindness. She found the sweetener Melody uses special for her, and tells her how she too has a wayward son. She says it’s because he ran over a priest, but we all know it’s really because he hit on his sister’s girlfriend. Korsak walks in and she says how sorry she is for taking Josh away from him. Someone give me that iced tea Mama R brought for Melody. This conversation is making me sleepy and I need the caffeine pick-me-up.
Back in the information center, Maura is helping Frost search for the identity of the victim. They’ve recreated her face sans scalpel and are now checking it against databases of domestic abuse victims who testified in major crimes. Maura shows off her tech skills and Jane praises her with a “Well listen to you, Colombo.” And then they get in a little quickie eye sex while Frost isn’t looking. Those two have gotten so good they don’t even need to unzip.
Maura’s search pays off and they find out the victim was married to a Mexican drug trafficker and forced to testify against him. They talk to Witness Protection and it turns out the drug trafficker turned government witness and isn’t in prison after all. See, this is why they should have called Marshal Mary Shannon first.
Back to Korsak’s sob story, his stepson finally talks to him, says he didn’t shoot the cop and was actually trying to give him CPR. Korsak goes to Maura to find evidence of his story. She finds fractures on the officer’s ribs, indicating CPR was administered and records show the EMT did not perform it. Also, she says the phrase, “force exerted to the chest” while making his hand gesture and I giggle. I wonder how much force Jane exerts to the chest on a regular basis. Hey, it’s a valid question.
Jane and Frost figure out the victim and her sister, who is also in Witness Protection, were still in contact via some sneaky email scheme. They go to the sister’s place and find her tortured and very dead. The U.S. Marshals show up shortly after and confess that Bad Dad was given early release and now they can’t find him. Jane says he is probably going to kidnap Dakota and hightail it back to Mexico. So they storm into the dance competition looking for her, but she’s already gone.
They run after them, guns drawn. The Bad Dad is pretty cartoon evil all, “I just want what’s mine.” And then the Good Dad runs out and gets shot by Bad Dad. Boy, poor Dakota is having a really bad week.
Jane & Co. smoke Bad Dad. Really, how many on-duty shootings is this for Jane now? Evildoers beware, Det. Rizzoli is not messing around.
Then she runs up to Good Dad to see if he is OK, checks his abdomen wound and is all, “Oh, don’t worry, dude, I did one of those to myself. Shake it off.”
A case well solved, Jane is treating herself at the Dirty Robber to a nice juicy burger. And she’s even making yummy noises while taking a bite. And this face, which is usually reserved for Maura when she does something particularly, um, pleasurable.
Maura walks in in a red dress, displaying her own irresistible red meat to Jane. She tells Jane to limit her red meat consumption. Indeed, because the red meat Maura is offering is so much healthier, and delicious. Jane says she’s going to eat “whatever I want, whenever I want.” Yeah you are, dirty girl. Because it’s true: Life is too short. And your girlfriend is too delicious.
Maura reaches over for a bite of Jane’s burger (I swear, I’m not actively trying to make this sound naughty). Jane says she’s practically eating her whole burger (really, I’m not). Then Maura asks if Jane will help her “practice her jab” (this stuff just writes itself). And Jane says only if she promises not to “punch like a girl” (she should just do everything else like a girl, just how Jane likes it).
Than then our adorable Bickersons bicker about ordering fries. Maura also requests dessert. Oh, honey, you’re getting dessert tonight — don’t you worry.
Onto your big gay #gayzzoli tweets, tweethearts. When the subtext won’t come to us, we bring to subtext to them.
So, meet you back here for the season 2 finale of Rizzoli & Isles and our last subtext dance together for a while. Tighten your #gayzzoli belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.
