“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.14): You make me feel like dancing


Girls are dancing in these mid-riff baring numbers and for a second I think best opening to Rizzoli & Isles ever and then I realize the girls are all way, way young and I have to go find some soap and a brush to scrub those split-second inappropriate thoughts from my brain tissue. It’s some sort of dance competition complete with stage moms with video cameras and a dance coach with a shiny, shiny jacket. But then their age inappropriate performance is interrupted by a woman staggering onto the stage with scissors sticking out of her chest. Yes, scissors. Death by scissoring? Oh, Rizzoli & Isles, you cheeky little monkeys.

Back at Casa de Det. Sexy McBadass, our gals are getting all sweaty while hitting it together. What? That is technically accurate. Jane is teaching Maura self defense moves on her boxing dummy. Jane is decked out in a black tank top and her Ponytail of Sporty Butchness. Maura is decked out in a mauve boat-neck yoga top and her Hair of Shiny Magnificence pulled into a loose ponytail. Yes, I realize describing what they’re wearing in careful detail seems gratuitous, but there’s precious little gratuitously gay this week so I am milking it for every last drop.

Jane tells Maura to assume the fighting stance, and when her lady complies she says, “Nice.” Because, come in, it’s pretty nice. And then she says if he’s coming at me you – and delivers a hard right to the eye area. Maura looks on in horror. In her little doctor head she is calculating the occipital damage and kind of surgery needed and recover time afterward. But mostly, she’s thinking, damn, that would kill all my eye sexing with my Jane for months.

So she tells Jane, “That could do serious damage to the cornea.” And Jane replies, “This is my thought, yes.” Those two. Maura says she’d rather give her attacked a jab-jab-hook like she practices in her boxing workout class. Jane, trying her best to be a patient good girlfriend, says that that’s all fine and good but by the time she finishes saying “jab,” the rapist will have her in the guest house.

Maura starts talking about Jane’s dad. Oh yeah, remember Jane’s dad? He apparently has some new bimbo, which is fine because Mama Rizzoli and Korsak are going to make that love connection and then become uber parent-y to Jane and Maura and it is just going to be the cutest thing ever. Maura asks if Mama R knows about Papa R’s lady friend and then Jane’s phone rings and she says she’ll tell her right now. But no, it’s just operations telling them about the scissoring death. So Jane says they’ve got to wrap up their “training” in a hurry so she helpfully instructs Maura with a “harder” and then “good.” Yeah it is.

At the crime scene, Jane and Maura go to see the body. Maura says she always wanted to be a competitive dancer, but her mother was a purist and only let her study Russian ballet. Jane calls it “Little League with sequins.” OK, now I have a strong and unshakeable urge to see Jane in a Little League uniform covered in sequins.

Korsak and Jane go to the dressing rooms, where he keeps ignoring calls from his ex, Melody. She wants him to help finance her yoga studio, but he still hasn’t been able to see her son. I don’t know, it’s a lot of breeder problems happening and I’m kind of drifting back to the beginning when Jane and Maura were all sweaty and hitting it again.

The murdered dance mom’s daughter, Dakota, was the star of the troupe. But she wouldn’t let her compete nationally. So you know, no red flags there. Speaking of red flags, Jane gets a call from the commander that’s really for Korsak and, yes, even more breeder problems. Korsak’s ex-stepson is accused of shooting a cop while robbing a sporting goods store. Melody shows up, drama drama drama.

But back to the case, which is only somewhat more interesting. Actually the case isn’t that interesting. But the way Jane is standing here in her sexiest of badass Det. Sexy McBadass poses is pretty damn interesting. (p.s. Belated but deserved hat tip for the Det. Sexy McBadass moniker to the lovely @DiamondGirl774.)

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