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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.13): Having a good-looking LLBFF is the best revenge

Previously on Rizzoli & Isles, Dr. Maura Isles told Detective Jane Rizzoli “I love you” over a romantic dinner of grilled cheese and rancid wine. This week, we open with Maura coming out of Jane’s closet. Can I just commend the writers here for their courageous stance on having these two speaking the love that dare not speak its name and coming out as lovers who love ladies? This is really historic. I’m reserving them a space on the police department float in this year’s Boston Gay Pride Parade. Brava, this show. Brava.

Um, wait? No? She was just looking for a dress for Jane’s high school reunion in the closet? She hasn’t come out? Are you sure? Are you really, really sure? Because do you see what Jane’s wearing? A casually open robe and exposed bra? In that way that’s sexy, but not like she’s trying too hard. That’s what I always wear when my totally platonic best friend comes over in her slinkiest, form-fittingest, vavavoomiest dress to casually telegraph: You. Me. Bed. IMMEDIATELY. (p.s. Don’t worry, more on Dat Dress later.)

Actually, the “What should I wear? How does this look?”- foreplay is one of my favorite forms of foreplay because while in concept the idea is to get dressed, in reality the goal is to get undressed. To wit, Jane tells Maura she wants to look, “Fun, but not slutty.” Because she’s saving the slutty look for some extra special personal fun time with Maura later. Duh.

While Maura handles Jane’s athletic-looking underthings, Jane complains about going to her reunion. But really, it’s that pretend complaining people do when they mean the opposite. She has no husband, no kids, no South End brownstone. And, indeed, all these things are true. But she has a Dr. Maura Isles. And, well, there is no more impressive arm candy than that on this planet.

Jane’s beard Skypes in to say he can’t make the reunion because blah blah blah secret mission blah. Never have I been so happy about covert military operations in my life. Support our troops, people — especially when they’re overseas. Jane acts all fake sad about Casey, a.k.a. Lt. Col. Beard Force, canceling on her. But, really, it’s finally her chance to go public with Maura. I know that coming out of the closet earlier was a false alarm, but this is their chance. This is their moment.

Maura agrees and says she’ll be Jane’s designated date driver for the night. So much coded language, ladies. Come on, it’s 2011. No one cares except Michele Bachmann and her “husband.” Maura says she wants to help Jane to stick it to her high school nemeses. No, not in that way. I swear you guys are so dirty today. Instead, she wants her successful detective lady friend to show all the mean girls from her past — particularly Debbie, Emily and Kate — that looking good and having the hottest LLBFF in the universe is the best revenge.

Jane accuses Maura of only wanting to go all “Jane Goodall” while observing the co-ed high school experience because she had to go to an all-girls’ school. Of course Maura went to an all-girls’ school, of course. And then Jane says she isn’t going and if she isn’t going Maura isn’t going.

Next jump cut to, the St. Dominic’s Class of ’94 Reunion with Jane and Maura standing together like the best dressed couple at Gay Prom. Maura obviously employed “the hard way” to get Jane to come. And, again, I bemoan the lack of surveillance cameras in Jane’s bedroom. Also bemoaning the lack of said cameras? Giovanni, who comes striding up to greet the ladies in all his gold-necklaced glory. Man, I missed that crazy face licker.

The look on Jane’s face is one of familiar panic. Despite everything, she’s just not quite ready to be loud and proud with Maura. So Giovanni tries to kick open the closet door for her and asks if our resident LLBFFs are still together. Jane, who can’t really lie as an officer worn to uphold the law and all, says “Yes, yes, we are still together.” Maura, who is obviously more ready to be open and out, snuggles in close to her lady for emphasis.

Giovanni says it’s nice they’re still a couple and Jane quickly pushes Maura away so no one else sees. God, the closet is a sad place. Though Jane can’t really hide her true intentions because she pushes Maura away by the boob. Copping a feel in public isn’t exactly the best way to keep your little secret, Janey dear. But, considering how amazing The Rack of God looks in Dat Dress, you know why her hand was automatically drawn there. It was helpless against the hot.

Mean Girl No. 1, Debbie, comes up to Jane and asks if it’s Mrs. somebody now. Jane replies, “Mrs. Detective Jane Rizzoli.” Oh, Jane, Jane — the correct answer is Mrs. Doctor Maura Isles. Sheesh. Debbie, on the other hand, ended up marrying “Computer Geek Clique” dork Eddie, who was friends with Jane in high school. Maura bonds with him, as they were both geeks, and Debbie says she is now too as a plant activist.

Jane takes her cue and writes Maura her own special name tag reading, “GEEK.” And then she quite helpfully puts it on for her. And, again, she cops a quick feel. Though, this time I think it might only be out of politeness. She tapped Maura’s right boob the first time, so this time she gave some loving to the left. You have to keep things balanced otherwise the ladies get jealous, you know what I mean?

Maura gets all excited at the sight of the punch bowl, because she’s Maura and just the cutest, sexiest, geekiest thing ever. While she pours herself a glass Jane looks over and sees a pair of Double-Ds in a tight dress and freaks out a little. It’s Emily, her former BFF who dumped her in the eighth grade. I know, honey, it’s always awkward running into an ex. Mrs. Ex-BFF Big Boobs is married to Steve, a nice guy Jane dated once. Well, it was high school, these things happen. I think we can safely say Jane is a Breast Gal. Though as impressive as Emily’s are, Maura’s are so much better. Size isn’t everything, amirite ladies?

Jane introduces Maura as her friends and Giovanni reappears to call it, “a real waste.” Maura, knowing Jane’s issues with the out thing, over qualifies. “We’re just friends. Not friends-friends. Just close friends. Well, not that close.” Me thinks the lady doth protest too much. Even Mrs. Ex-BFF Big Boobs was all, “Honey, it’s OK. Gays can even serve openly in the military now. Chill.”

Just then Mr. Rory Still-A-Douche arrives to call Jane “Rolly Polly Rizzoli” and say she’s “a security guard of something.” Maura pipes up “a detective,” but Jane knows which battles to fight and which to drink heavily about. Mr. Still-A-Douche now runs a big biomedical firm and is married to Dana Fairbanks. Wait, I thought she got out and stayed out. Yes, ladies and lesbians, Erin Daniels arrives and Rizzoli & Isles finally completes its full transition into The L Word.

Erin is the Queen of Mean, Kate, a former lawyer who now primarily fetches vodkas for her douchey husband. She compliments Jane’s body, because it’s really hard to get rid of the gay once it’s part of you. Then she does the old back-hand compliment saying it’s obvious she hasn’t had any kids. Don’t be bitter just because you went back to fellas and now Jane has Maura and you have that guy, honey. Also, please don’t get cancer and die. I can’t lose you twice.

Jane has had enough and woman-handles Maura out of the auditorium and away from the reunion. Though, you really can’t blame her. Sasha Alexander looks otherworldly in Dat Dress. It’s the same Herve she wore back in July on Jimmy Kimmel Live! that made me sit for a solid 10 minutes with my jaw on the floor. I think we can safely say it’s so powerful that Angie Harmon can literally not keep her hands off her.

Likewise, Jane can’t stop groping Maura. It’s like a Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching magnet. She grabs her boob. She grabs her arm. She grabs her boob again. She grabs her arm again. She grabs her hip. She grabs her butt. You see where I’m going with this. But the best thing about all this TGTGT is Maura is totally unfazed by it all. It’s like, oh, Jane’s just steering me again by my tender bits. Like always.

Back at Jane’s, Maura is on the laptop and Jane is wondering why she hasn’t been allowed to peel that exquisite turquoise dress off her woman yet. I mean, really, what is the hold up? Oh, here’s why — Steve from her class reunion, as found murdered on the football field. He was shot with a home-made silencer.

His wife is shaken up, obviously, and Dana Kate takes her home because they’re like “family.” Now this whole mean girl thing toward Jane is making sense. They were all “family” and secretly had a thing for Jane. Doh, why didn’t I piece this together sooner? I bet they’re enjoying this view, complete with Ponytail of Righteous Justice, quite a bit.

The next morning, Jane is finally out of that dress and has taken what I can assume was a very needed shower (consolation sex after a high school friend died isn’t necessarily as fun or athletic as make-up sex, but can still work up a sweat). She’s walking around in her kitchen in nothing but a green towel getting ready for work. First of all, I think I speak for all gay ladies when I say, “Drop the towel! Drop the towel!”

Then her computer starts talking to her, but it’s not a creepy Hal situation. It’s a creepy Lt. Col. Beard Force situation. Sneaky webcam stalker much, sir? They blah blah blah about blah blah blah. Actually, mostly they talk about boobs — and not Jane’s. Oh, Det. Rizzoli, your gay is showing. And then we all wish aloud that her gay really was showing when she jokes that she’s going to get rid of both towels for “Naked Day at BPD.” You tease.

Back at the police department cafeteria, Mama Rizzoli is feeding Lolita Davidovich an iced tea. This brings the count of The L Word actresses in this episode up to two and the level of gayness on this series up to 11,000. But instead of playing Marina’s girlfriend Francesca, she’s Korsak’s ex Melody. She’s the one who got away, and took her son away from him as well. So, clearly, her popping up out of nowhere is going to be super good news. Also, poor Mama R. She was just starting to work her charms on that big lug.

The team starts looking for clues to Steve’s murder. But all they find are Angie Harmon’s high school eyebrows. Seriously, those things almost need their own zip code. Also nice job picking a senior quotes, Jane Rizzoli. Nothing future gay about this Dr. Seuss saying: “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

The investigation turns up a list of random numbers in Steve’s phone, and a lot of phone calls to not-so random people, like plant activist Debbie. They go to find her and she’s dumpster diving for flora. She pops up like a Wack-a-Mole holding some very not alive looking rose bushes and insisting she wasn’t having an affair with Steve. In fact she says “of course not.” You know, on account of all the mean girls having a secret thing for Jane.

Just then Frost and Jane see a guy using a telephoto to snap pictures of them. They hurl the dead plants at him and find out he’s a private investigator hired by Debbie’s husband to see if she was having an affair. This is all fine and good, but can we talk about Jane’s plant-hurling form? I think it’s pretty good, though she could drop her shoulder a little.

Korsak is still talking with his ex in the cafeteria. She wants him to help her open up a yoga studio. Mama Rizzoli is not-listening, totally listening in the background. She’s all, “I could get a yoga body, too” to Korsak afterward. Oh, you two. Now I’m going to have to come up with a shipper name for them: Kozzoli? Vangela? Hm, needs work.

Maura is performing the autopsy on Steve and Jane is there because, well, Maura is there. They are, naturally, talking about the dead man’s wife’s boobs. Really, Jane? Really? Your former friend is on the slab and you still can’t keep your mind off his widow’s lovely lady lumps. She even remembers the exact age Emily was when she got them — 12. Maura says something comforting about how big knockers aren’t that great. And then they eye sex each other up while pretending to talk about Lt. Col. Beard Force. Frost walks in and realizes the ocular interruptus he has caused and says, apologetically, “Should I knock?”

Yes, Frost, yes. Always knock. He interrupted a perfectly good eye shag to tell them plant activist Debbie was just found dead, from an apparent suicide. But, all is not as it seems as Debbie’s ligature marks exceed the circumference of the rope. I don’t really know what that means either, but Maura said it and saying it again makes me sound smart. So it was a staged suicide and someone is picking off Jane’s classmates one at a time.

Korsak comes in to see the results, but winces in pain. He says he’s doing “too much of this downward doggie thing with Melody.” Yo, Korsak, I thought you also took the sensitivity training and earned your Rainbow Certificate. You can’t go telling two gay ladies that you’re doing anything doggie-style with your ex-wife. That’s just not cool and not a mental image they want to have or appreciate. Trust me.

Maura chimes in that back pain is the second most common ailment in the United States. Jane retorts, “What’s the first? Your fun facts?” Oh, bicker on, Adorable Bickersons. Bicker on. Maura shoots back “headaches” and gives Jane a little “the make-up eye sex for that transgression better be really hot” smolder. Jane turns her attention back to Korsak and says it “this is getting serious” with his ex because she’s got him doing yoga.

Um, Jane. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Maura get you to do yoga? Several times. Together. Adorably. Pot, kettle — black black black. Maura says it’s good Korsak is trying again and says something about past anger the present focus. Jane calls her “Deepak Maura” and gets another immediate smolder back that says, “Yeah, really really good make-up eye shagging.”

Before any of that can happen, Jane gets another call. And, you guessed it, it’s another dead classmate. This time it’s Maria, the formerly fat girl who slimmed down and thought all that work would be best wasted on Giovanni. Poor, poor dear deluded gal. He comes into the cafeteria shaken up and recounts what happened on their date. Jane asks if she has any contact with the other dead St. Dominic alumnus. He says no.

When Steve’s wife Emily comes up he says, “Hey, you could probably appreciate her tits now, too, right?” Oh, Giovanni, you are my favorite — my absolute favorite. Jane can only close her eyes, because when your love for big boobs outs you to your mom there’s not much else you can do. Mama Rizzoli has a slightly more animated reaction. Oh, come on Mama R, you knew. Let’s not kid ourselves. A mother knows.

They find out that Maria had a congenital heart condition and was using one of the valves Mr. Still-A-Douche’s company created. They also discover that Steve made several calls to Maria at her preschool. Jane says he wanted to talk to her “bad,” and Maura corrects “badly.”

Jane: I hate it when you correct me.

Maura: Well I hate it when you forget about Mr. Adverb.

That’s what you get for saying you don’t like Maura’s fun facts, Jane. Frost can’t even contain it, he’s like, “OMG, you two. Just go find a quite room in the lab and have some sex. I swear, the sexual tension between you guys. Good thing there are scalpels in this room because something sharp and pointy needs to cut it immediately or we’ll all burst.”

Turns out, the valve in Maria’s heart was defective, and the valve in a lot of the recipients’ hearts are defective. But if that news got out, the company would stand to lose tens of millions of dollars. So, nothing like a good old-fashioned cover-up to make murder happen. I know, I know — why am I talking about the plot when I could be talking about the classic body-language archetypes being demonstrated by one Dr. Maura Isles and one Det. Jane Rizzoli in this shot. I mean, could they be more butch/femme here. Really?

Jane gets to haul in Mr. Still-A-Douche, because they found particulates from the tennis court at his country club at the crime scene. He, predictably, continues to act like a douche. They search his office, but find very little. Korsak, however, finds an old rap video from Frost. I have no idea what this has to do with the plot, but it makes me love Korsak and Frost’s work husband dynamic even more.

A lead has them bring Emily back in, but I think Jane just wants another look at those big, beautiful — um, er — eyes, yeah her eyes. But she’s wearing a crew neck and everyone’s sad about this error in judgment. Also, she didn’t kill her husband, but she and her kids were threatened afterward by the culprit.

After that strike out, guess who pops up like a bad cold sore? It’s Lt. Col. Beard Force all stalkery on the Skype again. Who romantic Skypes at work, anyway? He invites her to Afghanistan so she can enjoy 120 degree heat, eat dust all day and wear a burka. Wow, this guys is a keeper — a keeper, I say. Jane’s face agrees. I’m pretending to like this guy over Maura? What is wrong with me?

In Mr. Still-A-Douche’s car they find steel wool and traces of blood, enough for a warrant for his house. There, Maura, who is the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, helps to collect the forensic evidence from things that are not bodies. Oh, crime shows, how you confuse budding medical examiners and forensics analysts every day. When they find no traces of blood on Mr. Still-A-Douche’s shoes, they turn their attention to Mrs. Still-A-Douche.

She has conveniently gone to the bathroom, and Jane busts up guns blazing. Then lesbians everywhere get a dose of ultimate role-playing fantasy realization. First Jane Rizzoli points a gun at Dana Fairbanks. Then Jane Rizzoli cuffs Dana Fairbanks. It’s like fan-fiction sprung to life. The only way it could be better if Maura was in there with a whip going, “You’ve been a naughty, naughty little lesbian.” But perhaps that’s coming later. At least I know it is in my head.

Dana Kate explains that she killed them because her “dickhead” husband (Jane’s word, not mind) couldn’t nut up and do it himself to save his company and their millions. You know, having Ilene Chaiken kill you has really changed you, Dana. You used to be so sweet. And you definitely wouldn’t have killed anymore. OK, maybe Tonya — but she deserved it. I still think she murdered Mr. Piddles.

Case closed, the only logical thing for our ladies to do next is play a game of tennis. That’s because the mere sight of Erin Daniels makes gay women everywhere long for a nice, firm racket. Does this show know its audience or what? To make the straight people happy they have to mention Lt. Col. Beard Force again. Jane says she got butterflies in her stomach when they talked. Yeah, it’s called nausea. Take some Pepto and kiss Maura, you’ll feel so much better. Maura says she is “lovesick” and then hits the tennis ball with a mighty wallop. Projecting just a tad, doctor?

Maura then talks about Jane and Lt. Col. Beard Force’s “inability to consummate” and how running might help release the tension and hormones that have been built up as a result. Then, what do you know, she suggests Jane and she both race toward the ball. Because when you can’t consummate, ladies, as we all know the best thing to do is run it out.

So, then, how gay was this episode, friends? Well, between all the TGTGT, eye sex, former beloved The L Word actresses and sprinting as a substitute for sex, I’d say it was gay enough to get our hashtag #gayzzoli to trend on Twitter. And you know what? I’d be right. #Gayzzoli did trend during the East Coast airing Monday night. Give yourself a hand, lesbians, you’ve earned it.

So, now on to your other #gayzzoli accomplishments, namely some of the night’s best tweets.

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