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“Glee” Episode 308 Recap: Growing Up Glee

Before I begin, let me thank Heather Hogan for stepping in last week when my power went out. I believe in retrospect it was the gods showing mercy to me by not making me recap what I now firmly believe to be the worst-structured, most badly-written, pointless, plotless episode in the history of Glee, with the sole exception of Santana‘s amazing scene in which she comes out to, and is rejected by, her abuela.

It didn’t help my evaluation of the episode when its author, Matthew Hodgson, took to Twitter last night to opine that those of us who want to see Brittany and Santana kiss should realize that they’ve already kissed last season in “Duets.” He was joined by fellow newbie writer Michael Hitchcock, who decided to tell a fan she “must not have watched the show” if she didn’t think they’d kissed.

I’m not sure how they define “kiss” where these boys come from, but in my world it involves lips touching. Not lip to neck. Not hand to hand. Lip to lip like Finn and Rachel, and Finn and Quinn, and Kurt and Brittany, and Jesse and Rachel, and Kurt and Blaine, and Will and Emma, and Will and Terri, and Santana and the guy with mono… I’m assuming you get the picture?

The guys next experienced a Twitter bombing courtesy of the Brittana fandom, and deleted their Tweets. Ooops. Welcome to Glee.

Despite all that, and fortunately for the sake of this recap, “Hold Onto Sixteen” was pretty good. Not “The First Time” good, but it had a good beat and I could dance to it so I give it an 8.

It starts with Insane!Quinn telling Rachel all about how she’s going to get Shelby fired for doing the deed with Puck.

Rachel thinks that’s a truly bad idea. “First of all, Puck is 18,” she says, “so what he and Shelby are doing, even though it’s just wrong and so gross, is not illegal, so all you’re doing is you’re getting her fired, which is going to take away her income to provide food and clothes and put a roof over her child’s tiny little blonde head.”

Quinn doesn’t care, because she’s the mommy understudy and plans on getting Beth back herself. But Rachel’s not done. “Beth loves her mom. Shelby is her real mom. You’ve done a lot of really bad things, Quinn, but if you tell people about Shelby and Puck, you’ll ruin this little girl’s life and then you’ll have really hit rock-bottom.”

In the choir room, Will is telling Finn they need to do something upbeat for Sectionals, and Finn says they shouldn’t be worrying about the set list yet. (Yeah, heck, worry about it the night before — that worked so well as Nationals!) He says, “At least the Cheerios can dance.” You know, Finn, so can Mike Chang and Blaine, and they’re on your team.

The conclusion he comes to? “We need star power! We need Sam Evans!”

Now, be honest: if we hadn’t known Sam was coming back in this episode, wouldn’t that have felt like it came out of nowhere? I like him a lot and I’m glad he’s back, but when was Sam the big “star power” of New Directions?

Will says that’s impossible, because he moved away and no one knows where he is. But Finn does; he’s in nearby Kentucky. He found this out because “even homeless people have Facebook.”

Kurt and Blaine are at the Lima Bean, where Kurt is despondent over his chances at getting into NYADA now that he lost as senior class president and he’s pretty sure New Directions isn’t going to get a second shot at Nationals.

“Rachel and I might as well get used to barista work and summer stock,” he tells his sympathetic sweetie. “There’s no way we’re getting into NYADA now. If we don’t win at Sectionals, I pretty much have nothing to live for.”

“New Directions is a mess,” Blaine agrees. “We’re going to lose, Kurt. And I can’t do a thing about it. Every time I open my mouth, Finn gives me these looks like, ‘What does he think he’s doing?’ I know what I’m doing.” You go, Blaine! Yes, you do!

And then who should appear but my least favorite Warbler — in fact, the only Warbler I’d like to drown — Sebastian Smythe. He slithers into the seat next to Blaine’s, says he’d been checking this guy out from across the room when he realized it was him, and then asks, “What’s up, guy? I haven’t seen you online.” Because he blocked you, Seb. Take a hint.

Kurt says they’ve been busy practicing for Sectionals, and Blaine says, “Congrats on the Warbler win at your sectionals.” Sebastian smarms back, “Well, if there’s one guy who can whip New Directions into a legitimate threat, it’s Blaine Anderson, right?”

“Right,” Blaine says, standing up. “I need another coffee.”

He walks off, and Kurt gives Sebastian an enigmatic little smile. “I don’t like you,” he says pleasantly.

“Fine,” Sebastian says. “I don’t like you either.” He pronounces it “eye-ther,” which is just so pretentious.

Kurt ignores him. “I don’t like the way you talk to my boyfriend. I don’t like your smirky little meerkat face. I don’t like your obnoxious CW hair. I’m onto you.”

Sebastian gives a feral grin. “Let’s get a few things straight. Blaine’s too good for you. New Directions is a joke. And one of us has a hard-luck case of the gay face, and it ain’t me. Odds are by the end of the school year, I’ll have Blaine, and a Nationals trophy, and you’ll have khakis and a Lima Bean apron, and that gay face.”

Kurt laughs, seeming genuinely amused as he delivers the final blow. “You smell like Craigslist.”

Blaine sits down. “What are you guys talking about?”

“The next time we’re all going out drinking, killer,” Sebastian lies, laughing. Killer? Oh god. “Well, I’ve gotta run.” He smirks at Kurt. “You take care of that Warbler.”

Finn and Rachel are in Kentucky looking for Sam. They think they’ve found him a local dinner theater, but it’s a strip club and Sam’s abs have center stage. Which they richly deserve.

“That’s not an image I can ever get out of my mind,” Finn says.

“Give me a dollar,” Rachel says, and approaches Sam — to his considerable shock. Backstage, he defends his career choice, pointing out that he’s earned $61 in 15 minutes, compared to minimum wage at DQ (not counting the two free Blizzards a day). If the TV breaks or his brother needs new shoes, his abs pay for it.

Finn and Rachel convince him to come back to Ohio and compete in Sectionals, and the three of them go to talk to Sam’s parents. And while I’m watching this, I think of another very young television teen who had big puffy lips and the same blond haircut and wore hoodies and got glitter all over himself. Oh, and stripped.

Separated at birth: Sam Evans of Glee and Justin Taylor of QAF.

Sam makes his triumphant return to the choir room, and sings the second greatest song about something from which one drinks since Brittany’s “My Cup,” “Red Solo Cup.” It rhymes “testicles” with “festivals.”

This song has so much cute background stuff, but my favorite bit is Kurt mouthing “What are you doing?” when Blaine starts grooving to the beat. Er, twang.

No sooner have the strains of the song faded out than a smiling Santana comes in. “I just heard the news Trouty Mouth is back in town,” she says. “I’ve been keeping a notebook just in case this day ever came. Welcome back, Lisa Rinna. I’ve missed you so much since your family packed their bags, loaded them in your mouth and skipped town. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to enjoy a crisp pickle, but couldn’t find anyone to suck the lid off the jar. I assume you’ve been working as a baby polisher, where young mothers place their infants head in your mouth to get back that newborn shine. So glad you’re back, I haven’t seen a smile that big since the Abominable Snowman got his teeth pulled by that little gay elf dentist. Love, Santana.”

Her smile gets even bigger when he says, “I missed you, too, Santana,” and pulls her into a big hug. Awwwwww.

In the next scene, Insane!Quinn tries to convince Sam to get back together with her again, and help her raise Beth. Sam tells her she has “rich white girl problems” — you know, like she felt fat and got drunk and got pregnant and got thrown out by her unforgiving parents and then gave her baby up for adoption and is now regretting it. Anyway, he tells her that the world is a tough place, and she should enjoy her youth while it lasts.

“We only get one senior year,” he says. “Enjoy it. You know that song ‘Jack and Diane’ by John Mellencamp? My favorite line is this one: ‘Hold onto 16 as long as you can.” And he leaves her standing there.

As if that wasn’t gut-wrenching enough, Mike breaks the news to Tina that he couldn’t take the silent treatment from his father, and he’s applied to a pre-med program at Stanford. She tries to change his mind, but they end up fighting and Mike storms off.

Back in the choir room, Sam and Blaine get into a big fight that I don’t understand at all. Because the Troubletones are a red-hot all-girl group, Sam is recommending that the New Directions try to sex up their performance — you know, just how Blaine wanted to do with the Warblers when he and Kurt sang “Animal” with the giant phallic ejaculating soap bubble hose? — and illustrates his point with a little bump-and-grind.

Blaine goes nuts. “We don’t have to resort to that,” he says. “It’s cheap. It’s selling out.”

“I came back here to win,” Sam says. “When you’re desperate, sometimes you gotta use your assets in order to get back the advantage. This…” he thrusts again… “is the advantage.”

“Of course that’s what you think; you have to think that in order to sleep at night.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“It means,” Blaine says, “that I’m not for sale.” Then they start to fight, and Will breaks it up. Blaine storms out while Kurt does nothing at all. In fact, we got exactly zero reaction shots of Kurt after Blaine and Sam started in on each other.

This whole thing makes no sense to me. Was it just a plot device to get us to angry!Blaine in the next scene? If so, I’m okay with that, because I really really like angry!Blaine, who is pounding on a punching bag, sweat pouring down his face and body, when Finn walks in.

“Is that Sam’s face?” Finn asks.

“Yup. Yours, too.” Blaine glances at him. “Don’t act so surprised. After getting bullied so much, I took up boxing. I also started the Dalton branch of Fight Club, which…” BAM… “I obviously…” BAM… “can’t talk about.” BAM.

He turns to face Finn. “What is your problem with me, anyway? Ever since I got here you’ve given me nothing but crap.”

Finn is all flushed and earnest. “Honestly, dude, I was kind of jealous. I felt threatened. Your talent kind of freaked me out. Made me question whether or not I was good enough. Blaine, I’m sorry. I’ve been acting like a jackass to you.”

Blaine makes a gesture with his entire body that sums up pretty much how I’m feeling right now. I think it can best be expressed in words as, “WTF?”

But Finn’s not done. “With Rachel gone, you’re the most talented, well-rounded member of this team, and now more than ever we need to be on the same page. United.”

And then Blaine gives a little nod and says, “Tell me what you need me to do.”

Blaine, sweetie? Go back to punching things. And I don’t like St. Finn. At all.

Back in the hallway, Sam spots Mercedes, and tells her he’s planning to get her away from her new boyfriend and resume their summer affair. She tells him no, but although Sam can’t see it, she’s smiling as she walks away.

Now, in the next scene Tina goes to see Mike’s father at his office. I really, really wanted to enjoy this scene because we’ve had so little Tina this season so far, but I thought it was pretty predictable. Being a dancer is who Mike is; even though the life of a performer is tough if it’s your calling, you have to do it. And then a little grace note about “honor” at the end. Sweet, but I would have liked more than Tina being endlessly understanding and caring. Like her own storyline.

In the choir room, the two teams are getting ready to face off at Sectionals. Gratuitous exposition: They’re being held in the McKinley auditorium for the first time in a bazillion years.

Mike is fighting with Tina, angry that she went to talk to his father. But Tina stands up to him.

The Troubletones come in and let the New Directions kids know that if they win, they’re all welcome to join the group to continue with the competition.

“That’s incredibly rude, Santana,” Finn says.

“Rude? I’m being nice,” she tells him. “Rude would be if I followed you around all the time and every time you tried to say something, I played a note on a tuba.” Oh Santana, never change.

Out in the audience, Finn pulls Rachel up to sit with New Directions and watch the first performance, by “The Unitards,” headed up by the Gerber Baby (aka Harmony, played by the Glee Project‘s Lindsay Pearce) — Rachel’s arch-rival from the NYADA mixer. She sings ” Buenos Aires” from “Evita,” and I’m underwhelmed.

Rachel notices Quinn slipping out of the auditorium, and follows her.

“Where are you going?”

Quinn stops. “Aren’t you supposed to be in the auditorium?”

“I saw you leave the auditorium,” Rachel says. “I know what you’re going to go do; you’re going to tell Figgins about Shelby and Puck.”

Quinn’s voice is husky. “I’m an adult. I can do whatever I want.”

Rachel looks dismayed. “If you want to be a destructive force in the universe, that’s your business. But can you just please wait until after the Troubletones perform?”

“Why?”

“Because we don’t want to wreck all the hard work our friends in that group put into their performance.”

Quinn is unmoved. “So we win.”

“No. Not like that,” Rachel insists. “Look, if you’re going to go through with this, you owe it to Shelby to tell her first. It’s the adult thing to do.” She starts to walk away, then turns. “I got a taste of what it’s like to do the wrong thing, and it feels awful.”

After endless commercials for Victoria’s Secret and Twilight, Quinn comes in and threatens Shelby with firing. Quinn says that Shelby should never have come back with Beth, and Shelby responds by encouraging Quinn to enjoy her youth while she has it. Shelby says that being with Puck made her feel older, not younger. TMI, Shelby.

Then we get the Troubletones doing their mash-up of “I Will Survive/Survivor.”

Let me just say I love the Troubletones so much I’m incapable of being rational about them. So while I’d love to give a thoughtful recap of this number, all I can say is BRITTANGO BRITTANGO BRITTANGO. Also, Heather Morris dances so well it sometimes makes the other dancers look bad.

New Directions is up next. They’re wearing white tuxedo jackets and they perform the Jackson 5’s “ABC.” Tina is singing lead — yay! — with some help from Kurt and Quinn. Kurt is particularly adorable when he catches sight of Sebastian rocking out in the audience: He leap-frogs over Mike and snarl-sings, “Sit down, girl.”

And Mike Chang must have put in some serious overtime teaching New Directions how to dance, because they’re awesome — even Finn, who is inexplicably one of the lead dancers along with Mike and Sam, while Blaine is not. Weird. And just as Mike is dancing his heart out, he spots… his father in the audience.

Then they do two more Jackson numbers — Janet’s “Control,” and Michael’s “Man in the Mirror.” I think they should have quit while they were ahead and skipped these two. Especially since the one-to-three ratio of Troubletones to New Directions songs kind of pissed me off. But Insane!Quinn’s spoken intro to “Control” is fantastic.

At the end, Mr. Chang stands up and applauds. So does Sebastian.

Finn and Blaine shake hands. There’s just too much Finn in this episode.

Quinn and Puck hug.

Where is Kurt? No idea.

Backstage, Mr. Chang tells Mike he’s proud of him, and he should follow his dream — go to the best dance schools. Mike says he’s missed the deadline, but it turns out Tina forged his signature and sent in the applications for him. Which is kind of sweet. And they all lived happily ever after!

Oh, yeah, judging. Obviously, the Unitards come in third, with a little gratuitous snark from Harmony, who tells us she’s only a sophomore. The Troubletones are robbed because obviously, New Directions had to win, and they do.

A little while later, Rachel comes into an office area of the school, and sees Quinn. “Well, my suspension is officially over,” she says. “It’ll still be on my transcript, though. I’m just hoping that the admissions department at NYADA see it as a sign of my artistic, rebellious attitude.”

“Good luck with that.” Quinn stands up, faces Rachel, and smoothes her hands down her white lace dress.

“Are you going to go tell Figgins about Shelby? Because I still think it’s a really terrible idea.”

“I came here to talk to you, actually.” And a thousand Faberry shippers faint dead away. “To tell you I’m not going to tell.”

“Why?”

“Because I love Beth, and I don’t want to ruin her life.” You listened to Rachel! I love that you didn’t listen to Sam or Puck or any other guy; you listened to another girl!

Quinn goes on. “I wanted to thank you, actually.”

“For what?”

“For keeping me from doing something stupid. Something I would have regretted my entire life.”

Music… shy flirty looks, head tilts. “We’re kind of friends, huh?”

More flirty looks. “Kind of.”

And Quinn, who never thought she’d get out of Lima, is now thinking about Yale — although, much as I hate to feed into this concept, that really is a rich kid’s problem.

Then Quinn heads to the rest room, where the Troubletones are attributing their loss to Trouty Mouth’s moves while touching up their makeup — except for Santana, who is touching up Brittany’s. Sigh.

Quinn is trying to convince the girls to come join New Directions again, and invites them to a group number in the auditorium.

This whole episode has been themed around growing up: Growing up too fast, not growing up when you need to, not enjoying your youth when you should be doing that. Quinn seems to have gotten it at last, saying their lives are going to be changing — be still my heart at the look Santana and Brittany share at that one — but that even when they’re 87 years old, they should look back on this last year and remember it was special. And then Brittany and Santana hold hands and the Brittana fandom passes out.

The New Directions kids are singing “We Are Young” in the auditorium, and Mercedes, Santana, Brittany, and Sugar walk in and join them. And it’s a big tuneful love-fest in the best, sweetest Glee tradition. Quinn dances with Mercedes, and Rachel leads Santana into the crowd by the hand, where Finn welcomes her with a hug. Then Rachel holds hands with Mercedes while they sing the rest of the song, and then everyone gets into a group hug.

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