“The Real World: San Diego” recap: “All the wrong moves” (Ep. 9)


The episode starts out with the eighth cast member, the hot tub, hosting a group chat session, where Frank and Michael giggle over each others toes. Zach comments that Michael is the best thing to happen to the house, because he makes Frank a better person. Basically, Michael is the human shield that absorbs Frank’s crazy, so the rest of the roommates can live in peace.

Later, Nate picks up blonde #486, a cute girl named Michelle, who happens to be his boss at the House of Blues. It doesn’t take a nuclear engineer to figure out that this can only turn into a hot mess. As entropy increases, chaos increases – and things are about to become chaotic.

The roommates go out drinking and dancing, because that’s what people on The Real World do. Frank proceeds to drink way too much and starts rubbing little Frankie and the twins on random people in the club, and this makes Michael uncomfortable. Zach and Ashley take Michael away from the situation, and Zach relays his disapproval over Frank’s treatment of Michael. As it turns out, Zach and Ashley aren’t actually homophobic – they are douche-a-phobic, which is a trait that everyone should aspire to have.

Later, Michael and Frank attempt to talk about what just happened on the street. There is a lot of slurring and stumbling around and attempts to define exactly what they are supposed to talk about, but nothing makes any sense whatsoever. It sounds like 90% of the drunken conversations outside of any given lesbian club at 3 am.

Frank tells us that he is a “work in progress” and that Michael has to understand that. Sam is more observant and says that it is more like having his cake and eating it too. See, this is why Sam doesn’t get air time. She is grounded, intelligent, emotionally stable and normal. How did she make it through the casting process?

Michelle comes over and has crazy monkey sex with Nate. A traumatized Priscilla runs over to Alexandra exclaiming how uncomfortable it is to be serenaded by the coital vocal stylings of her boss.

Later, Nate and his business partners launch their benefit event for Nate’s suicide prevention charity. Nate is excited there will be “hot chicks” there. Well, having hot chicks around all the time would probably make me less prone to suicide, but aren’t we getting away from the main focus of the charity?

Next, Frank and Nate decide that they are itchy. Frank admits he hasn’t been to a gay bar since he’s met Michael and that he’s itching for attention, so Frank and Sam decide to go to a gay bar to scratch his itch. Nate is also feeling itchy and decides to make out with a girl named Kristen. Maybe Frank and Nate’s room has bedbugs.

Alexandra and Michael chat on the sly and decide to surprise Frank by having Michael come over. Meanwhile, Frank is in the process of “coming over” someone named Todd. The next day Michael arrives, and Frank feels guilty and admits to Michael that he cheated.

Frank admits to his roommates that he cheated, and his roommates collectively shake their heads in disappointment, and a small glimmer of hope is restored that the youth of America will be ok.

Michelle comes over, and Nate ignores her and instead plays ping pong with Zach for almost an hour. “Frank and Michael are on the rocks, and Michelle and Nate are on the rocks, but Michelle doesn’t know she’s on the rocks,” says Zach. At 2 a.m. Michelle finally goes home, frustrated. She becomes emotional as she enters her car. And there you have it – chaos: it’s happening.

The next day Frank admits that he is probably not ready for a relationship and goes to a café to collect his thoughts so he can communicate them to Michael, but when he gets home, he finds out that Michael beat him to the punch. He receives a heartfelt email from Michael telling him that while there is no doubt in his mind that he knows Frank loves him, they are not on the same page. Sam is surprised that Michael broke up with Frank over email, but come on – if someone cheated on me, I’d be breaking up with her by throwing belongings out of the window. Michael is a classy guy. In any event, email is better than text message, and Frank doesn’t deserve a face to face breakup. He doesn’t even deserve Skype.

The episode ends with Frank hooking up with Todd again, much to the chagrin of Zach, who is clearly on team Michael. Look, everyone is on Team Michael. Let’s just be happy Michael was able to recognize that he was standing in front of a loose cannon and quietly sidestepped out of the way. Most of us are not that observant and must be hit with projectiles repeatedly before reality sinks in.

Cheers to you, Michael – and Todd, I hope you’re using protection!

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