“America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” recap: Write a blog about it

on

Welcome back from Thanksgiving break my darlings! The ladies are still

in Greece and it looks like this week’s episode is going to be filled

with a lot of creepiness, yelling, crying and, as per usual,

ridiculousness.

Tyra is going to have the girls

be part of a “fashion film” based on her book, Modelland, which Lisa says is going to be “epic.” I’m

at the point right now when if one of the models says they’re going to

be a part of something “epic,” I prepare myself for the worst.

Speaking of the worst, Angelea

reminds us that she’s still there while Dominique was sent packing after the

previous challenge. She admits that she was surprised Dominique was the

one sent home but that she was a hater. We’re then treated to a montage

of Angelea’s emotional breakdown.

As if she were watching the same recap clip, Lisa chimes in and says

she’s pretty sure Angelea’s going to be having many more emotional

outbursts to come.

The girls come back home and we see Laura‘s

winning picture up on the screen for everyone to admire. I’m getting a

little bit concerned about how much camera time they’re giving to my

favorite country bumpkin because I feel like that probably means she’s

going to be sent home. Just when Tyra builds you up, she knocks your

ass right back down to the ground.

The final four ladies meet Nigel

at some kind of accessories store and he tells the models that, since

part of their prize package is to have a blog for Italian Vogue, they’ll be meeting their

possible future boss during this challenge. I’m sorry, but having a

blog is kind of a crappy prize. It’s work! In fact, I think as

punishment for being sent home, each contestant should be forced to

recap the next episode.

The challenge for the girls is to blog about their time in Greece.

Angelea is a freaking genius because she thinks the Italian Vogue editor “might have a say” in

who wins this competition. I’m actually going to hold back a lot of my

comments about this show and its prizes because it’s all making me

irrationally angry.

They are told to pick out an outfit, they’ll get a guide and driver who

will take them around Greece to stop and take pictures and find a spot

that inspires them. Then they’re supposed to get back to the hotel and

write their style blog, but it all has to be done in three hours. The

winner gets to come back for seven days with their boo or whoever they

want to take on vacation with them.

Allison tells her guide to take

her to an abandoned building; Lisa wants to go where her cab driver

would take his girlfriend to make love. (The joke is on her — she’s

already sitting in it.) Angelea asks to go to the “ghetto” and Laura is

the last to leave because she focuses on the outfit she’s going to

wear. In my mind, that makes sense for a “style” blog. She also says

she likes to keep up her photo blog at home but since she’s dyslexic,

she’s not all that in to writing.

It turns out Allison and Laura wind up at the same spot. Laura is

nervous because she knows Allison can write her butt off. Allison is

the last to get back to the house so she’s nervous about having enough

time to write her post. Everyone is nervous and if Angelea says. “Vogue

dot ‘I’ ‘T'” one more time I am going to lose it.

TYRAmail comes and there is shrieking. The ladies meet Jay Manuel at the location of one

of Greece’s most popular television series and they’re going to be

directed in a “motion editorial” by Tyra, (aka a video). Ty Ty explains

that the piece will be based on her New

York Times
best-selling novel, Modelland,

which is about a modeling school at the top of a big mountain and the

main character, “Tookie,” is

based on herself — because what the hell else would Tyra focus on but

herself?

Everything will be shot out of order over the next two days “just like

a real movie.” The actual

finished product will be shown over the next two weeks of judging and

the final week will reveal the winner of the All-Star cycle.

So, what I’m getting from this video they’re putting together is that

the girls are basically trying to climb over each other to get into

Modelland and will stop at nothing to be deemed the chosen one. But they

are all crazy and their families are crazy and something with a doll

and Lisa’s face being nutso but finding the light. OK, Tyra, you won

this round, I’m kind of intrigued by what the hell this book is about.

Apparently, Tookie is obsessed with whipped cream so Laura is charged

with the task of squirting it directly into her mouth and not be sexy

but also not look comical.  You have got to be kidding me. Lisa

gets to pose in a doorway with crazy eyes and a baby while Laura

squirts white cream into her mouth. I don’t understand this at all.

Allison’s sensitive eyes are causing problems once again because she’s

being asked to stare directly into the sun. On the plus side, she’s

excited about being asked to portray a cat, as is to be expected, and

keeps it real by saying, “I feel like I can definitely relate to some

of the bizarre concepts that are going to be taking place in this

editorial video.” Bizarre indeed, my friend.

Tyra gave Angelea the role of someone struggling with feeling

discarded. Wow, that’s quite a stretch. Where’s the whipped cream for

her?

Now I’m really pissed off because everyone but Laura got something that

can be high fashion and not look ridiculous. Putting dirt on your face

and being asked to throw garbage around while looking crazy is not high

fashion. I don’t care if Heidi

freaking Klum
 or Linda

Evangelista
were given that same can of whipped cream and told

to squirt it in their mouths, there is no way it could come across as

any less ridiculous. I know I’m being set up for disappointment, I’m

calling it now.

They call a wrap and Tyra babies Angelea in ways no director,

photographer or editor would ever do. Yes, she did well. No, she did

not try harder than anyone else on the shoot nor has she ever.

Later, at the Vogue Italia

headquarters, Nigel phones in to magazine editor Franca Sozzani and asks if she’s

been able to read any of the blog pieces yet. She says yes and that

Allison’s blog was too short, like a quote. Nigel says he thinks it’s

“a little highfalutin'” because she mentions Persephones’ demise and “being

inspired.” I’m not sure why her being inspired is highfalutin’, but

we’re not winning any Emmys over here so I will stop being concerned.

Laura’s blog fared a little bit better and while Franca said her photo

was sexy, Nigel seemed to want to use that against her as if it were a

bad thing.

Lisa’s blog concept was a good one, where she focused on the culture

and it being different from California — but she didn’t compare the two

enough for them.

They liked Angelea’s blog a lot. Nigel liked that she used the word

“fashion” and I think I just pulled an eye muscle from rolling them too

hard. He also liked that she pointed out the “graffiti stricken walls.”

Oh yeah, I’m really sure the people of Crete’s travel and tourism board

will be psyched that she’s concentrating on the less nice part of town.

Very fashionable.

When all is said and done, Franca probably wanted to rip up whatever

contract she signed. Angelea was the winner and she tells the girls to,

“Hate on bitches.” Save that good stuff for Vogue.it, girl!

The following day, the girls find out they’re going to be getting a

co-star, but not just any co-star, they’re getting male supermodel Tyson Beckford. I can’t lie, I am as

gay as they come, but I would hit that like he owed me money. The man

is fine!





Your future host of Extra,

Angelea, can’t keep her excitement contained and later asks if she can

have a hug. Very professional.

Tyra shoots her own scenes with Tyson and is an even bigger creeper

than Angelea. She sucks his thumb as part of their scene because her

character, Tookie, doesn’t know how to kiss yet. Tookie and her love

interest should sign up to be on TLC’s

The Virgin Diaries.

The next day at panel, they sit through the almost-finished product and

it ended up looking like the most screwed up CK One ad meets Requiem For A Dream. I think it’s fair to say I hate everyone on the judge’s panel at this point. In the end, only three models can stay in the running. In the end, Lisa won for best performance in the video.

Runner-up was Angelea. Yuck.

The model going home this week is one of my favorites no matter who is

picked.

I knew it. My darling Laura is going home. I wish she would flip out

and be like, “Tyra, how you gonna play me like that? You made me squirt

whipped cream into my mouth and then told me it was too sexy. Bish you

crazy!” I have high hopes for her though and she will always be the

winner in my heart. Three models are left and at this point I have to

say my money is on Lisa to take it all. She seems like the most

marketable model for everything they’re looking for in an All-Star.

What say you my friends? We only have one week left!





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