TV

“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.11): Three is a crowd

Like the gay poltergeists in your television, they’re baaaack. Det. Jane Rizzoli and Dr. Maura Isles have returned to solve Boston’s toughest crimes and bicker like an old married couple. The winter run brings us five more episodes and — with any luck — 10 episodes worth of eye sex, Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching and other assorted extremely lesbian behaviors from supposedly non-lesbian characters. So strap in and put on your subtext goggles. This is gonna be good.

Have you noticed how Rizzoli & Isles has started doing its openers in a totally different way than the rest of the show? They’re either really stylized or really violent, with a tone and pacing in marked contrast to the remainder of the episode. They also don’t use the cute little Irish jig transition music in the background. Just something I noticed while waiting for Jane and Maura to appear together to gay up my screen. In this week’s opener a witness recounts how his mentor was gunned down in front of him by the crime boss of his neighborhood, Little T.

The prosecutor (played by the entirely not terrible to look at Rosalyn Sanchez) is prepping the witness to take the stand and Jane and Korsak are there to lend support. He’s nervous, but Jane gives him a little smolder and we all sigh and thank the TV gods for returning the pure sex that is Angie Harmon‘s voice to us.

The ADA is somewhat less taken with Jane and her voice, arguing with her about whether the witness is allowed to order steak at room service. Jane’s clearly not a fan, but prosecutor Valerie Delgado has never lost a murder case. Remember when Ruth told Idgie to never say never to her? Keep that in your back pocket.

Back at their desks, Korsak asks Jane and Frost which tie will look best in court. I only mention this because Korsak and Frost are totally work husbands (a little May-December, I know — but who are we to judge their inter-office love). Frost makes cracks about disco and two-for-one deals at the Gentlemen’s Warehouse. Oh, Frost — keep this up and Frankie will definitely get jealous.

Don’t call it a comeback, and definitely don’t call him a turtle, but Bass is back. A slacks-and-henley wearing Maura emerges and tries to coax her finicky tortoise into eating an assortment of exotic greens. I love how Jane’s wardrobe is rubbing off on her. Or maybe Maura just liked how much female attention she got last time in Jane’s suit and thought she’d keep the ball rolling. Either way, me likey.

Mama Rizzoli coughs from the couch, startling Maura. Mother-in-laws are always popping up when you least expect them. I hope Maura has a good lock on her bedroom door, otherwise that is a guaranteed awkward morning wake-up waiting to happen after one of Jane’s “sleepover” nights.

Mama R is watching a Fox News program I will not mention by name on Maura’s plasma TV. She likes how the big-screen brings out the color in the conservative TV show host’s Irish blue eyes. Maura is taken aback that Mama R likes said conservative TV show host, as he is pretty much a horrible in every possible way. Also, he has a turkey neck. There, I said it.

But Mama R only has a thing for his Irish blue eyes, not his politics. In fact, she is watching his show on mute, because he’s too opinionated and gets on her nerves. Well, she has that part right. So I guess it’s like a James Carville and Mary Matalin thing? I dunno, but Maura doesn’t get it either.

But I do know that I also have to fight the urge to mute my TV every time he comes on screen. In fact, before the episode aired I had considered cutting out a picture of Rachel Maddow‘s head and taping it to a popsicle stick to hold up and cover you-know-who whenever he appeared on screen. But then I ran out of time. Also, if I made a Rachel popsicle head, I’d have to make Jane and Maura ones, too, and then I’d have to stop the show and stage some sort of Naughty Lesbian Puppet Theatre and then this recap would never get done. But definitely file that under: “Things to do while the show is on break this summer.”

Right, where were we. Oh, yes — that guy. He who shall henceforth be referred to as O’Really? (said in the patented Jane Rizzoli “Really?” voice), is actually talking about Jane’s case on his show. And there she is on screen, perp walking Little T with Korsak.

And then Jane walks in to Maura’s place for real. I have to pause my television because so much lesbian is happening all at once I’m overwhelmed – like going to your first Indigo Girls concert overwhelmed. Or your first Women’s Studies class overwhelmed. Or, you know, your first room with a big poster on the door that says “Lesbians Inside” overwhelmed. Lord, where do I start?

Well, first, Jane waltzes into Maura’s house without knocking — and promptly chastises her for not locking the door. So we’ve got possessiveness and protectiveness right off the bat. Then, she’s carrying all the groceries up in one trip, which any gay woman will tell you is a badge of honor among our people. Two trips are for wusses. Among the groceries is a six-pack of beer. No further explanation needed there. While all this is happening Maura watches lovingly, hands in pockets. Let the butch do the work, is what I always say. And finally, Mama R watches over the whole scene. Because what best friends don’t hang out with one of their mom’s all the time?

Jane sees what’s on TV and says “No, no, no, no, no, no. Turn that crap off.” I hope everyone got a good chuckle out of the fact that even real-life conservative Angie Harmon is calling O’Really? crap. Jane even calls him B.O. I should be intellectual about all of this, but mostly I just want to giggle like a third grader.

Mama R tells her he is covering her case and Jane demands she turn back on the TV. Oh, Janey, the ego is a powerful thing. O’Really? blathers on about truth, justice and the American way and somehow restrains himself from asking for President Obama‘s birth certificate.

The next morning, Jane and Maura walk into the cafeteria together. Guess it was a sleepover night after all. Jane asks Mama R to make her some eggs, while complaining to Maura about how her mother has the hots for B.O. And, once again, Jane has the perfectly normal heterosexual reaction of “vomit” at the thought of an opposite-sex attraction.

Before our morning-after lovebirds can refuel with a proper breakfast, Jane gets a call for a gang-related shooting. Jane deploys the Ponytail of Righteous Justice, but it’s too late because the victim is the witness in her case. ADA Delgado shows up and immediately blames Jane. Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady. You see the ponytail, right? Take a step backward and think carefully about your words. This broad shot through herself to shoot someone else. And from the stare she shoots Delgado alone, you’d think she’d need Kevlar.

Still, Delgado is too busy shooting Maura some looks of her own, and not the kind that need a bullet-proof vest. Though there could be some sort of protection needed, if you know what I mean. They chat while walking back to Delgado’s car, only to find it has a flat. She blames gangbangers slashing her tire, but Maura uses her powers of rational observation instead and finds a roofing nail. Then promptly offers to change the tire for her.

Every time a femme does a butch’s job, a lesbian angel gets its wings. Maura busts out some more appropriate footwear, pulls on some rubber gloves (see what I was saying about protection before — ahem) and starts loosening those lug nuts. Korsak offers to help, but Maura says she likes to keep her “skill set fresh.” I’m sure that’s as much for Jane’s benefit as her own. Wait, am I thinking of a different tool-related skill set.

I’m not sure how she does it, but Sasha Alexander manages to look equal parts glamorous and dyketastic in this moment. It’s the hair and the tools and — OK, yes, the gloves. It’s so hot I want to take this screenshot behind the middle school and get it pregnant. Metaphorically.

Delgado does, too, and engages in a little ocular flirtation of her own as they put the flat in her trunk. She’s also wearing rubber gloves, which means she’s either really cocky or really optimistic.

Back at the cafeteria, Jane finds Maura getting coffee. Delgado keeps blowing up Jane’s phone asking for a “1920” — which I’m assuming is an act found on that page of the Kama Sutra. Look, lady, you can go after Jane or you can go after Maura. You can’t go after both — that’s just greedy.

Maura’s a little curious what this whole mysterious “1920” business is about, too. She knows all of Jane’s other cop talk, mimicking her lady of the husky voice’s speaking style saying: “Code 10 — that’s lunch,” and “I’m off for a personal — that’s when you have to do No. 2.”

Jane flashes her that, “Really? Talking about my bowel movements in public again, honey?” look. Boundaries, Maura does not have them when it comes to Jane. It’s just the cutest.

Just then Mama R comes running up with “great news!” Maura assumes it is that “North Korea has a new leader” and Jane rolls her eyes and just that two-second interaction makes this a 1,000-times funnier and more perceptive relationship comedy than Whitney. But Mama R’s news isn’t about the fall of a totalitarian dictatorship, but the arrival of one because O’Really? is in town for a book signing.

Jane refuses to take her, as does Frankie. But then Mama R sets her sights on her daughter-in-law, who agrees. Going above-and-beyond for the in-laws is pretty much Maura’s signature move now. Jane physically drags her girlfriend away, which has pretty much become her signature move now. And then an adorable game of Tug-o-Maura ensues. Who needs dumb old rope anyway?

Back in the examination room, Maura is performing the autopsy on the witness as Jane watches. Maura finds peat moss in the victim’s shoe and an arthropod exoskeleton. Did I mention she talked to the shoe while doing this? Jane looks at her girlfriend like, “God, you are the weirdest. I love you, you little freak.”

Because I’ve watched about over a million hours worth of Law & Order marathons, I know the next legal maneuver is the defense trying to get the case dismissed. The twist this time is they want the murder weapon thrown out because Korsak can’t produce his confidential informant. There are even whispers Korsak made the C.I. up to collar Little T. But Jane will have none of that.

She goes back to see Maura, who has moved on to stomach contents. Frankie is there too, but in a good little brother, wants to be a good detective capacity. Not a bad little brother, hitting on his sister’s woman capacity.

Maura declares there’s bad news (undigested iceberg lettuce) and good news (undigested ground beef). Jane translate it as “Maura news” and then teases her inability to tell the grade of beef or market it came from. Maura doesn’t even look up but gives Jane an “I’m ignoring you” which earns a dimpled grin from Jane. Be more in love, you two. I dare you.

The victim was killed less than two hours after eating (and the poor dear just ordered a burger, not the steak). And, he has a white coating on his tongue that turns out to be breath mint residue. Maura offers Jane a chance to smell for herself, but this isn’t her first stomach contents rodeo. It is Frankie’s though, so he takes a whiff. Oh you Rizzolis, you need to invite me to Thanksgiving dinner this year because you are just the best.

Speaking of the Rizzoli clan, it’s matriarch is busy buttering up Maura at the book signing so she’ll flash her M.E.’s badge and get them to the front of the line. And when that fails she uses the Jane bully method and just says, “Maura, come on!” Maura, of course, responds immediately and bustles them to the front flashing her badge and claiming “Commonwealth business.”

She introduces Mama R after a bit of a pause as her “co-worker.” Yeah, I don’t think she would have gotten that autograph if she introduced her the correct way to O‘Really? Mama R freezes up when faced with the man himself (he’s like the Medusa of political punditry) so Maura has to chime in and spout some medical facts, per usual.

Then O’Really? recognizes Jane’s name when Mama R finally regains speech he demands she come on his show. Mama R obliges by dropping her daughter’s cell digits on him. Maura realizes the complete wrongness of this and tries the old cough, cough cut-it-out routine to no avail. Boy, she’s never going to hear the end of this from Jane. “You let my ma do what? What kind of girlfriend are you? Do you know how that he likes to say about loofah and falafel while on the phone?”

Back at headquarters, Jane immediately gets calls from O’Really? and hangs up on him saying she’ll arrest him. She thinks it’s an impersonator, but I think the sentiment still holds for the real guy. But she has bigger problems as Korsak won’t give up his C.I. and even turns in his badge. Jane finds him at the Dirty Robber drowning his sorrows in the bottom of a glass. Adding pompous insult to self-inflicted injury, O’Really? is blathering on about corruption in the Boston Police department. Well, at least they’re not making him likable — though no one is that good a TV writer.

Jane is determined to clear Korsak’s name, and searches with Frost through his files to find his C.I. She knows he is just protecting him — and after a long night of searching (and the rewind-worthy taking off of jackets) they find out the he is really a she. It’s the dead witness’ baby mama.

Jane and Frost go to visit her and on the way up get stopped by a gangbanger in the stairwell. He suggest Jane be his “shortie” and Frost gets all Rambo and says, “Step away, punk-ass bitch.” This reminds me, I need to call more people a “punk-ass bitch.” It seems very edifying, and effective. Even Jane Rizzoli gives it a 10 on the butch points scale, and that’s saying something.

The next morning, Jane brings Korsak over and his C.I. is there and ready to testify. She leaves for the office (but we all know it’s just to find Maura) and then engages in a game of tease the OCD guy for their amusement in the cafeteria. Mostly it’s just a chance to get in a little morning eye shag with Maura.

But then, as if I needed more reasons to hate him, O’Really? pops up in the cafeteria to break up the cute and confront Jane about coming on his show. He says he loves the cops. Jane says he did a hatchet job on Korsak. Again, the irony of this situation given real-life political leanings is fairly hilarious.

Maura jumps in to defend her lady. Feisty Maura makes me almost as happy as Butchy Maura. She says he can be a really mean man and wasn’t very nice to Barney Frank. Score one for Maura for defending the “family.” I mean, really, of all the congressmen O’Really? has been awful to on his show, she picks Barney? Us gays gotta stick together, sister.

But then, being the unfailing polite lady that she is, she tells him “I’m sorry I called you mean. You’re not nearly as awful in person.” Snort times infinity.

After Jane refuses to come on the show one last time, Mama R chimes in and offers to take him to a nice Italian restaurant. Like any good gay daughter, the thought of your mother going on a date O’Really? makes her immediately grab her girlfriend and run. But, seriously, the amount of times Jane has pushed and pulled Maura around this episode has to be some sort of TGTGT record. It’s like she’s acting as rudder to the S.S. Isles.

Maura gets a break in the case when she learns the exoskeleton she found in the victim’s shoes were from an exotic pest infesting one park in the city. Jane asks if that means he could have been killed there and Maura says she can only conclude his shoes were there. To that, our favorite raven-haired detective calls her favorite auburn-haired medical examiner “officially ridiculous right now” and I go pop some fresh popcorn because it’s better than going to the movies when these two turn into the Adorable Bickersons.

So then it’s Jane’s turn to give us a “Come on, Maura!” and, of course, Maura comes. (Not like that — right now at least. They’re working.) They find the murder scene at the park and Dr. Isles somehow manages to still look gorgeous while holding up brain matter.

They also find a tire impression and Maura recognizes the outline of a roofing nail stuck in the treads and suddenly feels sick. And so now is the time to take that thing about never saying never out of your back pocket.

Yep, it was Delgado who has secretly been conspiring with Little T to win her cases and keep him out of jail. She killed the witness. She is a bad, bad lady and not in the fun kind of bad way. So Jane cuffs her, and makes them extra tight for the added offense of making eyes at her girlfriend.

Case solved, justice served, everyone winds up at the Dirty Robber for a drink and some flirting. In fact, it’s kind of like a big family reunion. Jane and Maura are side-by-side, obviously. And Korsak and Mama R act like their approving parents. Maura even tries to help this hook-up happen, by saying how much of a “badge bunny” Mama R has become.

This earns a swift kick from Jane. Maura whines that Jane bruised her “extensor hallucis longus.” Don’t get too excited — I looked it up, it’s just her ankle muscle. Then Maura threatens to bruise another part of Jane’s body. And a frisky game of handsy ensues before the screen fades to black. Yep, those two are definitely using that bedroom door lock tonight.

Now, onto your #gayzzoli tweets. Absence definitely made all our desire for subtext grow fonder.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button