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“Glee” Episode 307 Recap: I kissed a girl — sort of

Christie Keith‘s house pulled some electrical shenanigans last night before Glee aired, so she was unable to recap this week, which means you’re stuck with me. Allow me to pre-apologize and beg your mercy. You will be back in Christie’s capable, graceful hands next week, I promise.

Previously on Glee, an intergalactic election was held to determine if any couple in any sector of the space-time continuum was as cute as Kurt and Blaine, and the answer was no forever. Also: some students started campaigning for McKinley High class president. Dianna Agron somehow managed to keep her perfect, perfect head from exploding despite being stuck in the worst storyline in the history of moving pictures. Puck boned Idina Menzel a little bit. And Santana and Brittany officially became official, and while they shared some off-screen tub time, they didn’t share an on-screen kiss. Which will, of course, be rectified in an episode titled “I Kissed a Girl,” right? RIGHT? (Spoiler alert: Wrong!) Oh, and Finn outed Santana and so Santana walloped Finn, and all the fandom feelings were felt that day.

Santana and Finn and Will and Idina Menzel are in Figgins’ office discussing the finer points of Santana’s savage attack on Finn. Figgins goes, “Obviously we have a zero tolerance violence policy, so I’m going to have to suspend you for two weeks.” Santana is like, “Even on a show that values continuity the way banks value Monopoly dollars, that’s a little bit ridiculous. Rachel Berry and I have murdered at least a dozen people in these very hallways and buried them under the bleachers in the gym. Also, the promo campaigns for the last two seasons have been built around slushie and dodge ball attacks, so.” Actually, she says she has a Hulk-shaped alter-ego named Snicks who sometimes takes over her body to seek vengeance against the moronic. Frankly, I wish that were true. That and the Berry/Lopez Murder Club.

Finn jumps in and says Santana only stage-slapped him, not for-real slapped him, and so she doesn’t get suspended after all. For a hot second, it seems like Finn is feeling appropriately sh–ty for outing her, but really he just wants her to be able to compete at Sectionals so New Directions can beat the Trouble Tones fair and square. Or something. But also – and this is where things take a turn toward epic patronization, so if you’re prone to head explosions, stop reading – he “feels sorry” for her because she’s not ready to come out.

OK, and I’m not going to have a rage aneurysm about this or anything, but this storyline is ridiculous. First, let’s be clear: Finn outed Santana because she pissed him off. Which: Fine. Whatever. Some people think she deserved it. Some people think being outed isn’t a thing anyone ever deserves. Either way, it’s realistic, and at the very least, it was the catalyst for some really intense dialogue about outing from gay and mainstream media outlets alike. But this whole coming out intervention business is infuriating.

It’s rad that Finn wants Santana to feel free to be her unicorn-loving self. It’s cool that he knows how sometimes people turn their aggression inward when they’re so full of anger. But come on, man. He feels sorry for her? HE FEELS SORRY FOR HER? That’s condescending to a face-punching degree. Even the most empathetic straight ally cannot begin to comprehend the dynamic process of coming out. The way antecedent experiences and cultural triggers and zeitgeisty conversations and religious leanings and familial relationships and a badrillion unspeakable hopes and fears and dreams and nightmares collide inside a person when they say out loud for the very first time, “I’m gay.” And all the well-meaning guilt-trippin’ and in-your-face singin’ in the world isn’t going to change that. As gay people, we don’t get to choose whether or not our friends and families and co-workers and church leaders and politicians accept us, but coming out in our own time in our own way in our own space is the one thing we do get to choose. And we deserve to figure out how to do that in our own time in our own way.

So I appreciate all the support Santana’s friends are going to lavish on her, I really do. But coming out is about more than loving yourself and believing in yourself and acknowledging that you’re f–king perfect just the way you are. Yeah, that’s part of it. But the fact that Finn thinks that’s all of it is just proving my point. A for effort, Hudson. F for execution.

ANYWAY. Finn tells Santana he’s got a great idea for “a lesson” if she and the Trouble Tones will join him and the New Directions after school. And just … a straight person cannot teach a gay person “a lesson” about coming out. I’m sorry. They can’t. That’s asinine. And I’m going to be done talking about this now.

Rachel takes a slowmo walk on down the hall lamenting the way high school kids prefer Pixie Sticks to proper student government. Man, she’s going to be crushed when she votes in her first grown-up election and finds out people prefer homophobia to health insurance. She voices over about how she’s going to end up in New York without her best gay if Kurt doesn’t win the election. And, again: Man, she’s going to be crushed when she realizes Ryan Murphy isn’t writing that spin-off for her and Kurt anymore. It’s gonna be a rough couple of years for ol’ Rachel Berry. Kurt drops the first archaic election joke of the night, talking about how he’s going to stuff the ballot box the way JFK did when he beat Nixon back in 1960.

(ProTip: If the coming out intervention is causing you to convulse, consider drinking your way through this episode. Every time a teenager makes a political joke written by your grandmother, drink! Keywords: Michael Dukakis, Ross Perot, Oliver North.)

Rachel goes, “Are you really thinking about cheating?!” And we’re meant to believe she’s appalled, but come on, it’s Rachel Berry. I love that girl, but her eyes light up like Christmas when the opportunity arises for to diabolical scheming. Slytherin is Slytherin, friends.

(ProTip Redux: Another way to get trolleyed during “I Kissed a Girl” is to take a shot every time Sugar does something silently amazing. Starting right now.)

Finn scrawls “Lady Music Week” on the white board and Sugar Motto makes the same face I’m making. He launches into a speech about how the Glee club loves Santana enough to let her be who she wants to be. As long as who she wants to be is an out and proud teenage lesbian. Santana literally goes, “So, wait, I don’t even get a say in this?” No, Santana. No, you don’t. You come out when Finn Hudson tells you to come out, OK? It’s like the rules of feminism.

Kurt and Blaine are the first performers in PatronizingFest 2012. Fortunately, they’re Kurt and Blaine, so: a) They know what the actual hell they’re talking about in terms of the whole gay biz, and b) they make everything around them 6,000 percent more adorable. Like, my wrath subsides in a nanosecond – the way it would if I saw a family of kittens frolicking across the top of a rainbow – when Blaine says they’re going to perform a song they sing to each other in the car. The song is P!nk‘s “F–kin’ Perfect, because of course it is. Honestly, I would have preferred to watch 42 minutes of Kurt and Blaine driving around serenading each other. But, I mean, that’s true every week.

The good part is Chris Colfer and Darren Criss sound incredible together, per the ushe. The bad part is that this shit is actually happening. Santana is being forced to sit in a room full of people trying to sing and stare her out of the closet. Santana says it better than me, though: “Thank you. Thank you all. Finn especially. After all the horrible crap I’ve been though in my life, now I get to add that.”

Sue is journaling again. Jane Lynch‘s delivery is perfect again.

Why would someone assume I’m a friend of Ellen just because I’m mannish and highly aggressive and have short hair and I only wear track suits and I coach a girl’s sport and I married myself? It just doesn’t make sense.

Don’t worry about it, Sue; nothing on this show makes sense.

Sue decides she’s got to get herself a beard a boyfriend, so she flips through her actual Rolodex and decides to go after Bieste’s beau. Poor Bieste. She doesn’t even realize the very foundation of her nightly leg press routine is about to be shaken to its core by the machinations of the master. She’s in the lunch room, chomping down on one of those roasted pig bodies with the apple stuck in its mouth like from a cartoon luai. She says so many gross things about bonking Cooter, but really she’s just saying gross things about doing some bench pressing with Cooter.

Segue to additional gross things: Puck, what is on your head? Just when you think this show has exhausted its supply of fresh hell, they make Mark Salling look like … like … this.

Unforgivable.

Additionally gross is the fact that Idina Menzel still considers Puck a viable romantic partner. Puck has (awesomely) chosen to (awesomely) sing Melissa Etheridge‘s “I’m the Only One.” I realize I should be thankful that he sounds amazing and doesn’t do the thing Finn’s going to do in a few minutes where he, like, sits in Santana’s lap and strokes her face and ruins Cyndi Lauper, but I hate this Shelby/Puck thing. Anyway, he’s just a-wailing about drowning in desire and Idina Menzel is sitting in the back row fanning her vagina with a playbill.

I guess Quinn starts drowning in desire also? Or maybe she’s still sinking in the quicksand of crazy? Or all that talk of lesbian lovin’ really gets her going? Either way, she corners Puck in the hallway and invites him over for some sexy times. He’s like, “Nah, you’re pretty nutso-bananas and you don’t want me anyway. I’ve seen the way you look at Rachel Berry. You should maybe think about checking that, though, before Finn turns his extra-dimensional horribleness onto you.”

Speaking of which:

Finn says he doesn’t want Santana to die of internalised homophobia because of how she swiped his V-card that one time. And then he tag-teams with Artie and gets all up in Santana’s nut singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.” The only thing that makes it bearable is liquor and the way Santana looks at Brittany when Finn croons “beautiful girl.”

You know who I love? Dot Jones. You know who else I love? Jane Lynch. You know what I’d SUPER love? If Bieste and Sue hooked up. Alas, they’ve decided to fight over Cooter. It’s a delight, it really is. Seeing powerful women wrassle and sabotage each other over a dude just thrills me. Bieste is like, “Cooter, I thought we were together.” And Cooter legitimately goes, “Well, you weren’t fulfilling me – sexually.” And then I typed the word “Cooter” one more time and punched myself in the face. The end.

It’s election time, and hang on to your fedoras: I’m going to stop bitching for a second. This election sequence is Glee doing what Glee does best. It’s absurd and sweet and it tells us things about the characters we actually want to know without kicking us in the head with them. Like how Quinn is pro-girl and Mercedes is pro-sanity and Finn smiles that half-smile in his sleep and Santana loves Brittany so much she checks her ballot with a heart and kisses it before submitting it and Kurt is too noble to cheat after all, even though he’s convinced his entire future is riding on this election.

Brittany and Santana finally share an on-screen kiss. On the cheek. That is mostly blocked out by the head of another student.

Then Coach Beiste breaks out with “Jolene,” my all-time favorite-ever Dolly Parton song, and I was kind of afraid at first, but it was kind of awesome in the end. I’m just going to concentrate on the part where she looks at Sue in the mirror and sings about her beauty being beyond compare.

Rachel comes out of the ballot box all squirly talking about, “You OK, coach? You good? I’m good. All good. Not up to any of my usual nefarious plotting, I’ll tell you that right now.”

All the dudes at McKinley High are leering at Santana as she walks down the hallway. The pizza guy’s campaign ad ran, I guess, and all of the kids saw it during their lunch period when they went to the library to check out the latest news from their local Congressional election. The way kids do. Some rugby player offers to straighten Santana out with that ol’ “You just need to find the right guy” thing, and KABLAM!: Mercedes and Quinn and Tina and Rachel and Brittany and Sugar Motto apparate onto the scene like an army of Patronuses! (Patroni?) Mercedes tells him to get his busted, creeper ass out of there. Quinn – has she always been that tall?! – goes, “It’s not a choice, you idiot.” And Brittany says, “She is normal.” And it is glorious. GLORIOUS, I tell you. These girls could rule the actual world.

Instead, they start singing Katy Perry.

Every lesbian on this earth has a feeling or two about “I Kissed a Girl.” We’ve processed six hundred gazillion the AfterEllen.com comments. I’m just going to skip the commentary here. It’ll sell iTunes singles, which is the point, I guess. I really, really like seeing the girls perform together all loyalty and empowerment like this, though. (I hope their boyfriends don’t mind it.)

After the song is over, Santana casually drops the news that she came out to her parents and for a minute there, I thought that was the only coming out thing we were getting and I was ready to torch something. But nope. Something lovely and heartbreaking is on the way.

Figgins interrupts the final Lady Music Week performance to shout for Kurt to come to his office. Kurt and Blaine spend like ten minutes looking back and forth at each other, all, “Hmm?” “What?!” “Whaaaaat?” “Eh?” “Wha?” And even though it shouldn’t be so precious, it totally is.

It turns out somebody stuffed the ballot boxes after all. He lost the election which makes him think he’s going to lose Nyada which makes him think he’s going to be the manager of a Sonic Burger for the rest of his life – and the cherry on top is that he’s going to get suspended if they decide he really cheated. Poor lamb. Every time he cries, I cry. It’s Pavlovian. Kurt runs off to find Blaine and Finn goes, “Who on God’s green earth could have done such a thing?!” And Rachel is like, “Me. Duh. Sometimes I think Santana is right about you.”

Baby Quck (Quinn/Puck) busted her lip and is at the emergency room and Idina Menzel calls Puck to come rescue her and – ZZzzzz. Oh, sorry. I dozed off there for a second. Where were we? Oh, yeah: Santana is coming out to her abuela.

You know what my real problem is with Glee? My real problem with Glee is that when it’s good, it’s better than anything else on TV. If Glee had never shown any promise, had never proved it could be brilliant, had never given a shit about its characters or its stories or its fans, if it had always been a crappy teenage show about a ragtag band of misfits, I wouldn’t get so enraged about it. But, Good Lord, this show has had its moments of white hot greatness. Especially when it comes to its queer characters. Just listen to this coming out speech Santana gives her grandmother:

I love girls, in the way I’m supposed to love boys. It’s just something I want to share with you because I love you so much. I want you to know me. When I’m with Brittany, I finally understand what people are talking about when they’re talking about love. And I’ve tried so hard to keep this locked up inside, but everyday just feels like a war. And I walk around so mad at the world, and I’m really just fighting with myself. I don’t wanna fight anymore, I’m just too tired. I have to just be me.

Naya Rivera is flawless, of course. And Santana’s abuela’s reaction is so realistic. She’s not angry at Santana for being gay; she’s angry at Santana for saying she’s gay, for not keeping it a secret, for making her uncomfortable. And so she kicks her out of her house and says she never wants to see her again.

For all the bitching I do about Glee, I think these are the moments that matter. In ten years, no one will be talking about Rachel Berry stuffing a ballot box or Quinn Fabray stealing a baby or Idina Menzel humping a teenager. But in ten years, the gay teenagers who stuck with this show – whether they knew they were gay or not, whether they were out of the closet or not – will remember what it was like to watch Kurt come out to his father, to watch Santana come out to her grandmother, to watch Kurt and Santana’s friends accept and adore them, to watch them fall in love. For lots and lots and lots of people, this will be the very first time they ever see themselves reflected on a screen, and they will store those images up and treasure them in the hearts for always.

I hope that’s not the last we see of Santana’s abuela.

Over at Fabrey’s House of Horny Insanity, Quinn tries to get Puck to put another baby inside of her, but he just cuddles her instead. And in Sylvester’s Office of Normal Insanity, Sue finds out she’s lost the election, but vows not to lose Cooter to Beiste. I guess they’re going to fight over him so more? Yaaaaay.

Kurt is wearing a wool poncho, I think. I don’t know. It’s incredible. He mans up – because that is his thing – and congratulates Brittany on her student council victory. Brittany says he’s still the most unicorn of them all, Sugar Motto does a unicorn impersonation, and Blaine reaches across to Kurt and tells him not to give up hope. Ever. They’ll figure something out. Those two, I swear.

Santana and Idina Menzel bring us home with “Constant Craving” and it’s one of the best closing montages we’ve had in a while. The Humell/Hudson clan celebrates Burt’s victory while Kurt forlornly contemplates his future as a fry cook, Beiste does some curls and contemplates her future as Mrs. Beiste-Sylvester, Sugar Sugars in the background, Kurt and Blaine send off his Nyada application, and Rachel slow-mos back down the hall with tear streaming down her face.

In the final scene, Brittany and Santana kiss right on the lips. JUST KIDDING. Rachel confesses that she rigged the election and has been banned from Sectionals.

Don’t worry, you guys: You’ve still got Sugar Motto!

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