“Dancing with the Stars” video highlights (13.8)


This week we were down to five couples. Instead of cutting the show down to one hour, they kept it an 120-minute opus and had each couple do two dances. The only reason I can think of for this is that the producers are trying to break us and they know we won’t go down without a fight. But we have moxie, you and I, and so we carry on. 

The second dance for each couple was an "instant jive," which actually meant "A jive they have been practicing all week, just without knowing what song will be attached to it." I had hoped, for a few joyous moments, that they would be completely improvising, swinging off of low-slung chandeliers and pulling random audience members into the fray, but no such luck. The jives were fun nevertheless. 

As always, I will divide our contestants into handy categories. 

The Fantastic 

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff are totally wrecking the grade curve, you guys. They were ridiculously good. I hate sets that involve giant hearts (well, Valentine hearts, anyway) and I am not a particular fan of the song "What the World Needs Now," and I still loved their waltz. It was sweet and gorgeous. 

At that point, they were riding such a high that they could have thrown buckets of eels at the judges and still scored just fine on their jive, but they decided instead to knock it out of the park. 


SCORES: A 30 and another perfect 30. Not too shabby. 

The Great

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough did their usual high-caliber work, waltzing to "(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman (Who Really Likes Parentheses)."

OK, that end part where they did the we’re-going-somewhere-else-to-have-mature-and-tender-sex walk that they use in Cialis commercials was weird, but other than that I really liked it. And then they jived it out to "Land of 1,000 Dances"

SCORES: A 28 and a 24, for an ending total of 52 and some self-flagellation for Ricki. Dang, turns out she’s a little hard on herself too. I hope she and Hope Solo have had a few supportive chats. 

Speaking of Hope Solo, she and Maksim Chmerkovskiy tore the roof off the place. Look at how much fun they’re having in their quickstep! 

And that was topped only by the ridiculously fun time they had doing their jive.

SCORES: A 27 and a 25, for a total of 52. Hope and Maksim are respectably tied with Ricki and Derek, but I think in a just world they’d be a little ahead. We’ll discuss the Faustian bargain they may have made to get there tomorrow. 

The One Who Shall Not Be Named 

Rob Krispykreme is still dragging poor Cheryl Burke around doing the same mediocre stuff and the judges are still pretending it’s revelatory. Well, the judges can aid and abet Rob and family’s repellent selfmarketathon all they want. I’m done. He gets no more Google hits off of me. 

And just in case you were starting to waver, their jive proved that Rob is just some guy dancing at your cousin’s wedding who learned a couple of moves but won’t commit to any of them. 

SCORES: A horsepuckulous 27 and a shamelessly mendacious 24 for a completely unearned total of 51

The Maybe Should Be Sent Home with Dignity 

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus tangoed to "The Naughty Lady of Shady Lane." It wasn’t great, but yet worse was the decision to have Grace keep making Intense Dark Sexyface when the end of the song reveals [spoiler!] that the naughty lady in question is a baby. 

It’s super weird, you guys. 

And then there was their jive. 

SCORES: An extremely generous 24 and a 20, for a total of 44. I think it would be best for everyone concerned if they got sent home – they’ve made it to a perfectly respectable point in the competition – and it would probably be kinder. 

On the other hand, if Rob Kooshball somehow gets sent home instead, I will laugh until I jackhammer myself through the floor. Once I am done apologizing to my downstairs neighbor, I will decide whether or not to send Ms. Grace champagne. 

Check back for the results in tomorrow’s SnapCap. In the meantime, go forth and dance.