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“The Real World: San Diego” recap: Episode 2

The episode opens with the gang going on a surfing trip. Perhaps characterizing it as a “surfing” trip is a stretch. More accurately, they put on wetsuits, appear on camera with surfboards and do very little actual surfing. Barely any of them can stand upright. “I haven’t really done anything that I haven’t been good at,” says Zach, without irony. Moments later, the camera cuts to a clip of Zach flopping back-first into the water like a giant white bowling pin. Strike!

The only cast member who is able to keep her balance is Sam, who shows off by doing what appears to be a butch version of the hula – the bula – on the way to shore. “Surfing is one of those things that I can look back and say ‘I did for the Jacuzzi afterwards,'” quips Priscilla, which sums up the collective mentality of any given recent cast of The Real World.

As the roommates pile into the hot tub, Zach calls his best friend Carter to dish about the cast.

This is the Real World cast, according to Zach.

  1. Priscilla has fake tatas, so she’s cool.
  2. Alexandra is normal, so let’s move on.
  3. Ashley is really hot and really nice. Like, hot. And nice. At this point, I am going to quietly slip my left hand down the front of my shorts. Translation: “I want to bone Ashley.” (Zach, the crotch fondle did not go unnoticed.)
  4. Frank is bisexual, and therefore I can’t make casual use of the terms ‘gay’ and ‘homo’ anymore. This blows.
  5. I live with a roommate who does nuclear engineering. And yes, “nu-ku-lar” is totally a valid way of pronouncing nuclear.
  6. Sam is a girl, and she likes chicks. Huh huh. Dude. Cool.

Next, Zach shows off his feminine side. As the girls stand around him in the bathroom, he demonstrates how to use various exfoliants and deep cleansers as if he were peddling skin care products at Bliss. The girls don’t know what to make of it. Then he announces that he is going to shave his legs.

Ashley approves, saying she likes his “girly” side. Then again, she would approve of anything Zach-related at this point. If he were to run around the house with a push cart wearing a plastic Viking hat and a soiled burlap sack, she would probably face the camera with her girl next door smile and remark that she likes his crazy New York City homeless guy side.

Alexandra and Frank talk about Frank’s drunken rant. Frank apologizes, and Alexandra accepts the apology. They discuss Frank’s relationship with his parents, and he tells her that his father threw him out two weeks ago, calling him a “faggot.” This is one reason he snapped at the club when a stranger called him the f-word.

Next, Nate and Sam troll the beach for ladies. They roll up to a bunch of girls in bikinis. “Uh, what are you guys, uh, doin’ tonight,” says Nate. The girls laugh. Sam jumps in and gets a phone number. “Yes, I’m supposed to be [Nate’s] wingman, but sometimes you just gotta take ’em all for you,” remarks Sam. “You gotta spit your game. He obviously didn’t spit harder.”

New BFFs Nate and Sam return to the house, where they find a stash of alarm clocks that look like pastel eyeballs. Sam discovers they can record their own alarms, so they decide to shriek messages into several of them and plant them in the girls’ room, where they will go off like time bombs at an ungodly hour. “This is awesome,” screeches Sam, as she and Nate start giggling uncontrollably like they just huffed nitrous from a canister of Redi-Whip.

A few hours later, in the middle of the night, the girls wake up to the beautiful serenade of howling plastic eyeballs. They stumble around in the most inefficient easter egg hunt ever recorded. As the shrieking continues in the next room over, Sam says, “Greatest day of my life so far.”

The gang goes to a club, where Ashley and Zach dance with each other. Nate finds a blonde named Dana, takes her on a walk on the beach, and they make out. Later, Nate and Frank chat a little about Dana, and it appears womanizer Nate has turned into whipped Nate. Nate stares into the distance, telling Frank he has nicknamed Dana “Baby Blue” because of her eyes.

Later, Alexandra gets on the phone with her boyfriend Byron, who tells her that he misses her. Alexandra tells Frank that the distance is putting a strain on her relationship with Byron. Frank tells the camera that Alexandra is telling him reasons why she and Byron could break up. Wait, hold on now. Did he miss this sentence? “It’s really really really important to me that [Byron] and I make it work,” says Alexandra.

Ah, Frank, love is blind, and sometimes it makes you deaf and dumb too. Like I told a friend the other week, “Love is blind. But sometimes there’s some serious Helen Keller s–t going on, except without the IQ points.” Sam and Nate need to take those little eyeball alarm clocks, plant them in Frank’s bed and wake him up at 4 am with repeated shrieks of, “SHE DOESN’T WANT YOU, DUMBASS!” If anything, it will cure him of the hiccups after a night of drinking.

Zach drives Nate to his date with Dana. Instead of leaving, though, Zach decides to hide behind the table behind Dana and make faces at Zach.

The next day, Zach, Nate and Ashley go to the gym. Ashley climbs on top of the leg press, and then Zach decides to climb onto the leg press as well, right behind Ashley. Assume the position!

At the house, as Nate is getting ready for his second date with Dana, Zach manages to sneak into Ashley’s wardrobe and put on one of her booty shorts, commando. He runs out of her closet looking like a Chelsea go-go dancer. Priscilla approves. Frank approves. Ashley does not approve. While booty-gate is in progress, Nate calls Dana, who cancels on their date. Zach takes a dejected Nate out on the town. “Let’s go pick up some bitches!” they shout.

Within minutes, Nate wanders to a group of girls and proceeds to pick up another blonde, whose name is also Dana. “That’s convenient,” he blurts out. Even after being called out on just being rejected by another girl named Dana, Dana #2 doesn’t appear to mind being Dana #1’s stunt double and agrees to hang out with him.

Alexandra invites two friends over to write music and jam. The roommates walk downstairs and are awed by their talent, especially Frank, who cannot stop staring at Alexandra. Cue “Every Breath You Take” by The Police.

Suddenly everyone notices that Nate is missing. Where’s Waldo? Turns out Waldo is on the most awkward date ever with Dana 2.0. There is absolutely no chemistry between them. Nevertheless, Nate brings her back to the Real World pad, where he enlists Sam to help him ditch her. Sam ushers her into the bathroom, and everyone jumps into the van and speeds away. Nate, you have ditched her at the bar! It doesn’t take a nuclear engineer to figure that one out. Most. Inefficient. Rejection. Ever.

The crew goes clubbing, and it’s 18 and over night so Priscilla joins the festivities as Snooki‘s doppleganger.

The next day, the roommates attempt and fail at surfing again. Priscilla and Ashley skip out on surfing altogether and have an extended conversation about Ashley’s ass and its cosmic connection to Zach. I do believe that Zach will actually make physical contact with Ashley’s ass by the end of the season.

That night, the roommates go to a club and Frank attempts to hit on a few people and strikes out. His solution is to down his weight in alcohol. He becomes belligerent, and the roommates decide it’s time to go home. In the car, he calls Ashley a slut, attempts to hit Priscilla and bangs futilely on the car window.

At the house, the boys take Frank to the roof to talk to him, where he segues from an angry, violent drunk to an unintelligible, emotional drunk. First he says the girls were mean to him. Then he says people have issues with his sexuality. Zach and Nate assure him that they are on his side. Nate tells him that although he is “freaked out” by his sexuality, he respects him as a person. Someone should tell these guys that you can’t reason with any kind of drunk. All you can do is put him to bed and hope he doesn’t vomit on himself.

The next morning, as Frank enters the kitchen, the tension is as intense as the smell in a Port-a-potty on the second day of a summer music festival. Realizing the smell is coming from his direction, Frank breaks a dish on the ground. Alexandra follows him and confronts him about his anger management issues.

Later, Frank calls a meeting to apologize to his roommates. He breaks down and cries, telling everyone that a few days before he moved into the Real World house, his dad had called him a faggot and had thrown him out of the house. The girls are sympathetic. The guys, less so.

“There are very few reasons a man should cry,” says Zach. “And this is not one of them.”

Zach and Nate retreat to the bathroom where they talk about their feelings about talking about feelings. They both agree that they don’t like talking about feelings. “This is going to be an interesting ride,” says Nate, and they both cackle like hyenas.

The episode ends at a country western bar, where the cosmic connection between Zach and Ashley’s ass becomes stronger. Ashley admits that she is attracted to him. “I’m not drinking tequila around him. That’s for damn sure,” says Ashley. We’ll see.

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