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“Glee” Episode 303 Recap: “We’ve All Got Pain”

I have no idea if someone had a big fat gay intervention with Ryan Murphy or he just saw the light on his own or what exactly happened over the summer, but hello, Gleeks, our show is back!

I wasn’t even one of those who hated on Season Two. It had some of my favorite episodes. It had Brittana. It had Kurt and Blaine kissing. It had Santana breaking down at her locker, telling Brittany she loved her. It just didn’t have consistent character development, continuity, or good plot-based excuses for all those iTunes songs.

Season Three, however and at least so far, has all those things. And last night’s episode, “Asian F,” also has roof-blowing-off performances by Harry Shum Jr. and Heather Morris, along with one of the best musical ensemble numbers I’ve ever seen on the series.

“Asian F” opens with Mercedes running into booty camp, late again. Santana rips into her while we’re all going, Santana? Didn’t Will kick you out of New Directions last week?

“I’ve re-sworn my allegiance to the Glee Club,” she says. “Without telling Coach Sue.”

I promise I won’t tell her, Santana. Even if you didn’t have razor blades in your hair and no conscience, I’d never do anything to hurt you.

Mercedes is overwhelmed by booty camp and says she feels sick. It never crossed my mind that she might be with child, but two minutes on Tumblr and Twitter showed that I’m yet again not part of the zeitgeist on the subject of accidental pregnancy. Regardless, no, I don’t think so. I think this is a Dreamgirls reference, the way Effie would say she felt sick or in pain when what she was experiencing was emotional suffering. And it’s not like the episode isn’t full of Dreamgirls references.

Anyway, Santana doesn’t think Mercedes is preggers. No, she think she’s eaten too much.

“Why are you babying her?” she asks Mr. Schue. “She can’t do three steps without puking because she had a Quiznos before she showed up in this joint.”

Mercedes is leaning weakly on something. “Mr. Schue, you have us scheduled to the second right now. With school, Glee Club and booty camp, when else am I supposed to eat?”

Santana tosses her pony tail. “When the rest of us do.”

“Oh, like you eat!” Mercedes snaps.

Will is hammering at Mercedes to work harder, but she insists she’s doing her best. Will says it’s not about doing her best; it’s about doing better. For what it’s worth, I get that everyone wants to win, but Will’s getting a little ruthless this season.

Now, my notes for the next scene say, “Will and Emma.”

That’s it. They say nothing else. So I go back to see what the hell happened, why I didn’t take notes, and why I couldn’t remember the scene.

And realized it was because it gave me PTSD. See, I like Will and Emma and want them to be together, but him showing her his porn collection and insisting he wants to meet her parents even though it’s clear she doesn’t want him to does not endear me to the man or the ‘ship. In other words, this is not gonna end well and I don’t wanna watch.

Meanwhile, Mike Chang is having a grueling interview with his father and Principal Figgins over his “Asian F” — an A- on a chemistry test. Father blames it on Tina and the New Directions. Mike looks like someone just killed his puppy and promises Mr. Chang Sr. that he’ll do better but please don’t take away his vampire gf or his Glee Club. Amen.

After that, Mike he heads to football practice, where Coach Beiste is sitting next to a pair of crutches. “Listen up, ladies,” she says. “I kicked a fire hydrant when I found out Ace of Cakes was canceled, so… the crutches.

“Number two, the entire wrestling team has come down with a flesh-eating staph infection so fellas, wash yourselves! and that includes your batcaves and your bramble patches.” (Could this be where Lauren Zizes has gone?)

Coach Beiste goes on to say that all the guys are expected to dance in West Side Story unless specifically excused by her.

Azimio says, “Coach, meaning no disrespect, but my daddy didn’t raise me to be no damn ballerina. In fact, my daddy didn’t even raise me.”

She’s not interested in his excuses. “Ballet improves your coordination, it boosts your IQ, and it gets half the NFL on Dancing With the Stars. Booyah. By Wednesday, everyone is going to show up at auditions and dance.”

“How are we supposed to learn to dance by Wednesday?”

“Figure it out,” she says.

They all look at Mike, who gulps. One more thing on the agenda.

In the school cafeteria, Mercedes and Rachel are laughing and hugging as the friends they have become over the last two seasons, and Mercedes’ new bf Shane watches in disapproval. He immediately slips a wedge into their relationship and cranks it wider with every word, going so far as to refer to Rachel as Mercedes’ “arch-nemesis” and playing on Mercedes’ insecurities with, “You say you’re Beyonce, but on the inside you feel like Effie White.”

I was prepared to like Shane, but you know what? No me gusta.

This morphs into Mercedes auditioning for the role of Maria in West Side Story, in a black dress that she was born to wear, her hair done up like a 40s Hollywood movie star, singing Jennifer Hudson’s “Spotlight.” Not a fan of this song, but she looked beautiful and her voice was lovely. And when the co-directors were wildly applauding, she said, “I just wanted you to see me as I see myself, as a leading lady.”

Rachel, watching from the wings, has “I’m totally threatened” all over her face.

Mike and Tina are at their lockers, and he tells her he’s not going to try out for West Side Story as he’d planned, because his dad’s angry over his “Asian F.” Tina tries to rally him, but it doesn’t seem to have worked.

Kurt is walking down the halls with Rachel handing out campaign buttons. He says he’s happy that there are only two days left to declare for senior class president, and so far only he and Brittany running. Well, he’s running. She, he says, is just “whimsically hopping and skipping nearby.” So wrong, Kurt. Even if Jacob’s “soft numbers” have you ahead of Britt by 7 percent, you are totally doomed.

Brittany and Santana walk up. Britt asks for Rachel’s vote, but she says she’s pledged her fidelity to Kurt.

“Oh, then you’re okay just flushing your vote down the magical poop-stealing water chair?”

Santana points out the school has only had male student body presidents, and that while “Kurt looks like Jimmy Fallon’s butch daughter,” he is still a guy.

Now, you know I try very hard to get down every nuance, every word, every throwaway line, every song lyric that could possibly have the slightest relevance to our queer little AfterElton/AfterEllen world here. You know I do. And I should be able to give you some kind of witty and insightful account of what happens after Brittany shares her campaign strategy with Kurt and Rachel.

But I can’t, because Heather Morris in thigh-highs and a black leather mini-skirt dancing to Beyonce’s “Run the World (Girls)” took away my power of speech and deprived me of access to my higher reasoning abilities for, oh, about 20 minutes there. Or to quote AfterEllen’s own @dorothysnarker on #gaysharks, “Quiet, universe. HEATHER MORRIS IS DANCING!”

I did have one thought float through my mind as even Emma felt the power of the HeMo and danced out into the presidential campaign girl-power flashmob: I wish Lauren Zizes was there. If girls are running the world or even just McKinley High, they’re gonna need some muscle.

Later in the teacher’s lounge, Emma, Coach Beieste and Will are discussing who will be playing the role of Maria. As if we didn’t know it’s between Mercedes and Rachel, that there is going to be a diva-off, and that neither girl will be happy with the result.

The co-directors decide to have the two back for another audition, and Rachel offers Mercedes a hug to celebrate her achievement in getting called back.

Mercedes isn’t having any of that today. “Know what, Rachel? Hug me after I get the part.”

In what looks like a dance rehearsal room, it turns out Mike is genuinely breaking down under the strain of his father’s expectations clashing with his own powerful need to dance. In a scene that was something of an homage to Billy Elliot, Mike pulls off his shirt and dances his pain and his anger and his frustration without music.

At times Mike stands in front of the mirror and his father is beside him, belittling and berating him, mocking his desire to dance, telling him that it’s a hobby, not a career, and if he goes down that path, he’ll just be one injury away from losing everything.

But his father isn’t really there, and Mike goes back to the dance floor, flying and spinning and sliding, until Tina comes in, holds him in her arms, and says, “So beautiful. You don’t talk that much. You hardly ever sing. But when I see you do that, it’s who you are. It’s what makes me feel you. You’ve gotta know by now, when I see you dance, it’s why I fell in love with you.”

And then she vanishes, too, never really having been there, leaving him with empty arms and nothing but his pain.

As if that wasn’t enough, Mike rejects his father’s warnings, and auditions for West Side Story after all. And he is incredible, trying out for the part of Riff by singing “Cool,” doing a pretty good job despite his limited vocal abilities, and practically taking flight while dancing. The football team backs him up, even Azimio.

And I’m wondering: Just how much good dancing by gorgeous people in one episode do we really deserve? The Gleek Nation must have been awfully good lately.

In the teacher’s lounge, while we watch Coach Beiste carbo loading (who knew Breadstix delivers?), we get the obligatory exposition dump and find out no girls have signed up for Shelby’s rival show choir. Moving on.

Blaine, dapper in a checked shirt and a bow tie and of course I’m being sarcastic, comes down the stairs as Kurt comes up. They both stop.

Kurt looks up at him. “The cast list goes up on Friday. Are you nervous?”

“A little. I try not to think about it.” Blaine seems tentative, as if he’s not sure where Kurt is going with this.

But Kurt smiles reassuringly. “I wouldn’t be. My mole in the casting office says there’s only one actor they’re seriously considering for the role of Tony, and his initials are ‘BA.'”

Blaine smiles goofily. Kurt whips out a dozen roses.

“Kurt!” Blaine takes them. “They’re beautiful. What are they for?”

“You killed your audition, Blaine. If anyone else got Tony, including me, the wrath of Sondheim would fall on William McKinley like a plague of Schubert Alley locusts. These are to celebrate — you.”

Blaine is charmed. “You always zig when I think you’re about to zag.” He steps down closer to Kurt. “I… I just… love that about you.” They’re about to kiss, then Blaine looks around, and the two of them abort the gesture awkwardly. Meep.

Things have come to a head at booty camp, where Mercedes does a full-on diva-out and earns an ultimatum from Will: “Mercedes, if you walk out that door, you’re out of Glee Club.”

She freezes, and the McKinley auditorium becomes a Broadway stage for a performance of Dreamgirls.

To the tune of “It’s All Over,” Mercedes, as Effie, accuses Mr. Schue of betraying her:

Mr. Schue was supposed to love me.

I turn my back and find myself out on the line.

You could’ve warned me, but that would’ve been too kind.

Will sings back:

I’ve been warning you for months to clean up your act.

You’ve been late, you’ve been mean, giving all kinds of stupid flack.

Mercedes:

That’s a lie, that’s a lie.

It’s just I haven’t been feeling that well.

Santana, in a Supremes beehive and evening gown, steps up:

Effie, please, stop excusing yourself.

You’ve been late, you’ve been mean,

and getting fatter all the time.

Mercedes gestures at a beehived and evening-gowned Brittany and sings:

You’re lyin’, you’re lyin’ cause you’re knockin’ off that piece

Who thinks she’s better than everybody

Runnin’ for president

She ain’t better than anybody

She ain’t nothin’ but common

Santana doesn’t seem to mind being outed to the audience, possibly because they’re not real and neither is anything happening in this scene, and wails back:

Now you listen to me, Miss. Blame-It-On-the-World,

See, I put up with you for much too long.

I have put up with your bitchin’

I put up with your naggin’

And all your screamin’ too!

Finn, Kurt, Puck and even Mike get into it, and Mercedes/Effie finally puts her head down on the table and moans:

I’m not feelin’ well;

I’ve got pain.

And everyone sings back:

Effie, we all got pain.

When the song’s over, Mercedes snaps back into the present, and an empty auditorium, realizing it really is over: She’s out of Glee Club.

Mike’s back in his rehearsal room when he sees his mom in the doorway. Unlike his dad and Tina, she’s really there. And it turns out she’s there to help him. She says it’s her job to encourage him to live his dreams, not hers, and that he shouldn’t let go of his. It turns out she wanted to dance, too, but her parents wouldn’t allow her to take lessons.

“It seems I’m a pretty good teacher,” Mike says, and they dance. Sigh. Also, no offense to Mrs. Chang, but Mike’s mom is way too hot for Mike’s dad.

Back in the auditorium, Rachel and Mercedes are having their diva-off, singing “Out Here On My Own” from Fame. Although they sing the song separately, it’s intercut as if it was a duet. It’s okay, but not the wildfire those two are capable of. I amuse myself trying to figure out if Brittany and Santana are holding hands in the audience.

When it’s over, Rachel tells Finn she thinks Mercedes was better than she was, and marches down the hall to tell Coach Beiste to add her name to the list of those running for senior class president.

That night, when Emma comes home from work, it turns out that Will has invited her parents over for dinner. She freaks out utterly, and in the kitchen, Will asks if she’s ashamed of him.

Not at all, she says; she’s ashamed of her freakish parents, who are “ginger supremacists.” They’re also racists, although I suppose the two things go hand in hand. Will sees that their craziness, and the way they mock Emma for being OCD, is triggering her disease, and stands up to them. But it’s too late; Emma’s really breaking.

And Kurt and Rachel’s friendship may be suffering the same fate. He’s found out she’s running against him for senior class president, for no reason other than to bolster her resume to get into drama school.

He, on the other hand, wants to do some good for other queer and outcast kids in the school. Besides, he says, “In ten years, you’re not going to be thinking about the clubs you were in or the things you did, but the friends you had and the ones you tossed aside.”

The co-directors of West Side Story tell Rachel and Mercedes they’re going to add an extra week to the show’s run, and give each them an equal chance to play the role. But Mercedes is over playing in Rachel’s shadow, and turns it down.

Rachel, although clearly glad to have the role, equally clearly has some doubts about how it happened. Finn doesn’t help when he tries to get her to withdraw from the presidential race against Kurt.

But Rachel insists she’s doing it because she heeded Brittany’s call for girl power, and says she inspired her to want to change the world. She asks who Finn will be voting for, and he tells her he doesn’t know.

There’s one more very disturbing scene, wherein Emma has a breakdown and Will is co-dependent, and if you want to know what happens, you’ll have to read someone else’s recap because it made me want to puke.

During that scene, we also see that Blaine will be playing Tony — Kurt tries to look happy but it’s obviously forced — Rachel will be playing Maria, Mike will play Riff, Kurt will play Officer Krupke, and Santana will play Anita, which has to be the best casting ever. (There are, of course, only those five characters in West Side Story.)

Now for some bad news: We’re going to have to wait three weeks for our next Glee fix. The show will be back on Nov. 1, where rumor has it Brittana will be on, baby, on, and then again on Nov. 8, where rumor has it that Klaine will get it on, baby, on. I will miss my darling gay musical teevee series. See you in three weeks!

Check out some of my favorite #GaySharks tweets from last night….

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