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“America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” recap: It’s not whether you wiener lose, it’s how you pose with a hot dog

Um, I am still recovering from last night’s episode of America’s Next Top Model. It took me three – yes, three – hours to watch the show last night because there were too many amazingly awkward screen-shots to take. This morning, I had 94 pictures from last night’s show on my iPhone – 94 pictures of awkwardness mostly of a bizarre sexual nature. Go to the bathroom, grab a drink and maybe a snack and settle in for this recap.

We start in the van talking about the awesome prizes up for grabs this season. Virginal Shannon seems to be the most psyched and even comes across as a little scary if Lisa’s face is any indication.

Angelea says she doesn’t care that Brittany was sent home. Alexandria laments over the fact that so many people don’t like her and want her to go home but says she knows that a lot of people love her because she’s – her exact words – “a misunderstood star.” I’m pretty neutral about her right now but my TiVo box has continued only pausing on her awkward facial expressions.

Sheena tells the other girls she really wants to win because there hasn’t been an Asian winner or an Asian host for Extra (aim for the skies!). I’m having a really hard time taking any of them seriously with the scarves on their heads.

Tyra, looking totally hot and fly with a tie on, and a very short man show up unannounced and surprise the girls as they play a game of Ravers, Rednecks, Rich People and, I’m assuming, Postal Employees.

Tyra begins, “We’ve been talking about the past a lot and now it’s time to talk about your futures.” She introduces Martin Lindstrom, who she says is a global branding expert and author. He works with Tyra and he is harsh, but he gets results. She says he’ll help them extend their 15 minutes of fame. After watching this episode, I am pretty sure some of these girls will wish they had taken some of those minutes back.

Tyra leaves the girls alone with Martin and he says they’ve done pretty well so far, but he hasn’t seen them on magazine covers or on TV lately. They need to brand themselves. He then says, “When I say ‘cowboy’ you immediately think of a tobacco brand, don’t you?” He might want to update his branding references because smoking was so 1999 and the first thing that pops into my head is Brokeback Mountain. He tells them to think of “Safety” and immediately “The Safety Dance” pops into my head, but apparently he was going for a certain car brand. I must not be his demo.

To prepare the ladies for discovering what they bring to their brand, he says that first they need to know what people think of them, so they grabbed footage from the other night. Of course Alexandria expects the worst because we cannot let go of that one clip of her getting heckled. Can we get over the other night already? It’s like, who the hell are these people and do they really expect me to believe every person in that audience had watched every cycle of the show and remembered the personalities of each contestants?

Lisa is up first and Sprockets asks, “Do you think the audience trusts you?” She shrugs and says, “Well, they should,” and he says, “No! They don’t trust you at all.” I’m going to have to really bite my tongue and suspend almost all of my disbelief for this recap because you’re telling me that audience was able to make trustworthy snap judgements of these girls who were basically being asked to be louder versions of themselves for the first challenge? Can I get a “Bitch, please!” out there?

Martin tells Lisa her brand value from now on is “daring” – oh I see what he’s doing there. Give the audience what they expect. Ummm, wait, isn’t that what they did in the pictures? And what did I say about snap judgements? ANTM you are really confusing me tonight!

He asks Sheena if people find her annoying. She says she thinks they can. Sexy? Yes. Smart? Yes. Martin interjects, “Ah, not really! People see you in a different light than you see yourself.” So wait, is he saying those audience members didn’t find her sexy or smart? Her brand word, Martin says, is, “Unexpected.”

It’s Kayla’s turn and Martin asks, “What is the one thing that differentiates you from the rest of the girls here?” Well I know what she’s going to say but I’ve got it on good authority that a lot of models like to get down with other ladies. Kayla responds with a raised arm and a secure “LGBT!”

Martin says, “No! That was hip, five, six, seven years ago!” Oh crap, we better shut down this site! Kayla shoots laser beams at him and says she’s here, she’s queer, she will freaking cut you and represent. “No matter what I’m going to represent myself and my community, otherwise what’s the point of being here?” she asks.

Then, from out of nowhere, we get this: The most remarkable ANTM intro of all time and it basically ends with a “Kiss my fat ass!”

When we’re back from commercial and still trying to recover, Martin tells Kayla she has to work on herself and figure out who she is so her word is “Free.” She’s gonna need some time to sit on that while she reads Rubyfruit Jungle and sips on herbal tea while listening to the newest Tegan and Sara album.

The audience apparently thought Shannon is boring and he her asks why. She says because in her season she was a virgin, she didn’t drink and she didn’t smoke. Angelea says what we’re all thinking, “What do you expect? You’re boring, bitch.” Shannon’s word is “Trustworthy,” which is just as boring as if her word were “legal paper.”

Dominique’s word is “Survivor,” I’m guessing because she got out of an abusive relationship but maybe also because these days she looks like she could’ve been a member of Destiny’s Child.

Allison’s word is “Unique” and everyone oohs and ahhs like it wasn’t expected. This is the girl who looks like an anime character, wears clothes that look like they belong to old European dolls and likes to think about blood.

Angelea’s word was “Shoes.” She breaks into a high pitched, “Really? Me?” You know it’s not a good sign when people think of you as a “Shoe Model.” But it gets worse – the audience said “Cheap Shoes.” She is shocked and Dominique is thinking, “I wouldn’t buy her shoes.” Also, shoes. Her word is “Persistence.”

Bre’s word is “Girlfriend,” Camille is “Proud,”  Isis is “Inspiration” and Laura is “Loveable.” Martin tells Alex people find her annoying and find no value in what she says. He left out the f-bombs. Her word is “Tough.” If she is going to be tough, she has to figure out how to be tough. Such a yoda, he is.

Bianca’s word is “Candid,” and she is psyched on life. She thinks it’s permission to not hold back anymore. Somebody sound the, “This is going to come back and bite you on the ass” horn.

Bre said she’s so happy Bianca got that word because she knows Bianca will say what’s on her mind and stuff is going to get real crazy. This is apparently what we both came here for! High fives, Bre!

When Martin finally leaves, Dominique and Camille chat about Bianca being more candid and she overhears them – big mistake. The shouting starts and it’s about to get REAL CANDID UP IN HERE! Bianca says, “Put the caution around my bed cuz I’m about to go off.” If she wants to extend her 15 minutes of fame she should consider going on Bad Girls Club next.

The next day, the girls meet up with Jay Manuel and, every time I see him, his hair still shocks me. In combination with the shirt he was wearing (which I’m pretty sure I have from Ann Taylor Loft) and his skin tone, he looks like a very gay Ken doll.

So they’re at Siren Studios and they’re going to get some real Hollywood treatment. But before they can go in, Sandy Duncan and a homeless man come skipping around the corner like a Broadway musical to teach us our first new Tyrific Dictionary term: “TY-Overs” which means “a Tyra-inspired makeover” and is a really underwhelming addition. Even “Ty-Dye” would’ve been better.

Oh snap it’s not Sandy Duncan and a homeless man – it’s Ashlee Simpson and Miss Jay. We are told Ashlee is a platinum selling recording artist, which I wouldn’t believe it if I hadn’t remembered I downloaded one of her songs as my phone ringtone a few years back. Laura says she’s worried because they’re doing the Ty-Overs and Ashlee has such short hair so maybe they would all get short hair and she just wasn’t prepared for that. Well Laura doesn’t have to worry because Ashlee isn’t there to talk hair – she’s back in the studio working on a new album and she is there to help them define their brand.

I’m worried you guys. While I liked a couple of her songs and thought she was hot even before getting a nose job, and thought it was actually adorable the way she danced off the stage when she was a musical guest on SNL, I’m not really sure I would want to take brand or career advice from her.

Lisa is forced to go short, which is daring because she’s getting married in two months. Alexandria is going short and she’s never gone short before. She makes a scream in excitement when they cut it off and it is getting on Isis and Bre’s last nerve. 

Lisa is whines about her hair but Jay Manuel calls her out and says she looks like a dowdy housewife. Not the word I was going for but these bitches know what show they’re going on and they should be ready, willing and able to cut their hair.

Angelea is in a dream world. She can’t believe Sheena, the Asian girl with curves and a thick Bronx accent, got “Unexpected” as her word. She thinks she deserved the title. While I can see why “Cheap Shoes” isn’t exactly something to put on a business card, she needs a heavy dose of reality. Fun to watch? Yes. Unexpected? Hell no.

Kayla’s fans apparently didn’t recognize her with her dark hair and without her rainbow flag so they’re bringing her back to being a redhead. I’m a sucker for red heads so I say thank you, Ty Ty.

While Bre gets her hair done, she begins to lose her confidence. I thought she was looking fierce but she gets so upset about it, she wants to pack her things and go. Thankfully, Bre says she needs to represent her brand and if she’s going to be a “Girlfriend,” she needs to be a girlfriend to herself first. I like that message. I just wish she didn’t care so much about her hair.

Wiener alert! Miss Jay and Jay Manuel arrive with lunch: foot long chilidogs. I didn’t think that’s what models wanted but Dominique dove right in there! Apparently Pink’s Hot Dogs are the hot dogs to the stars. For this challenge, each of the girls must create their own signature hot dog and represent their brand. Contrary to what I thought would probably be a spokesmodel challenge, their challenge is to get pretty, create their signature hot dog, eat it and represent their brand while getting photographed. I was prepared for some sexually-charged photos but the entire photo shoot was like watching a casting call for a Cybil-inspired porno. I can only imagine Bianca being candid and telling the hot dog it’s too small.

The makeup artist asks Dominique if she can eat a hot dog without destroying her lip color and she basically says, “Ain’t no thang.” What is going on here? Nothing says “Survivor” quite like making sure your lipstick doesn’t smudge when you’re eating a hot dog on your knees at a downward angle and looking seductively into a camera.

Alexandria is so happy her hair is cut and she’s never cried so much for happy reasons in her life. I believe that. Of course, now she has to go be happy and tough with her signature hot dog.

Poor Isis. I love you girl, I do, but it looks like you’ve done this before.

When it’s Kayla’s turn, Laura comes through with a quote that could’ve come straight out of Mary Cherry‘s diary, “I think Kayla is having a hard time with her brand because – how do you make a hot dog look gay and lesbian and free?” Wise words, my darlin’ bumpkin.

Jay Manuel doesn’t understand why Kayla is having a hard time with hot dogs and the word “free.” Of course he wouldn’t understand. I can’t lie; I’m a good time girl but I’m a little disgusted by this. The girls are supposed to be making a hot dog look like it’s something that should be near their faces and basically implies oral sex with a man. Why on earth would Kayla want to participate in that? I’m disappointed in you, ANTM!

Judgement time! Tyra is keeping up her tie theme this season and I totally dig it! Camille didn’t come off as proud enough while eating her hot dog. Laura, in Nigel’s words, “Was lovable; was too loveable. I feel like I shouldn’t be looking at it.”

That about sums it up. Not everyone gets Isis’s pose but Tyra and I get it.

None of the judge’s saw “free” in Kayla’s picture.

Everyone loves Lisa’s picture.

Bre is acts like someone deflated her but her “Girlfriend” picture came out well and, to me, she looked kind of like like Nene from Real Housewives of Atlanta.

They love Bianca’s photo and Ashley thinks she’s the prettiest girl there. They can’t believe Angelea’s photo is looking so good and European. I can’t believe it either. Tyra says, “You’d never look at that and think that girl does the Hammer dance”

About Shannon, Ashlee says, “She’s not the girl you want to go have a hot dog with.” Tough crowd.

Before they can eliminate someone, Tyra has decided she needs to eliminate some of Nigel’s hair. He looks like a combo of Mugatu and the lead guy from Prodigy.

When the girls come back, Tyra tells them Nigel Barker leads by example and so he cut his hair back into the style we know him best for. Nigel then creepily winks at the girls. 

Lisa ends up taking the photo of the night while the bottom two are Sheena and Kayla. This makes me sad because I really like both of them. Tyra tells Sheena that a star needs to be better in their photos, their movies and their television appearances than they are in person. I’m holding back on my Ashlee Simpson jokes right now.

Kayla was told that she entered the Top Model house unsure of who she was then found out and now she doesn’t know how to be free and doesn’t know what to hold on to. Well, Tyra, a hot dog is not one of the things she’s supposed to hold on to. Give the girl a hamburger at the very least – not something phallic.

Sheena goes home but she leaves the house as one of the most memorable contestants to be on the show ever.

What did you think of this week’s wiener-heavy episode? Were you as shocked as I was? Also, can someone please help me understand the fake celebrity couple they keep using to announce their favorite model of the episode? I don’t get it.

Next week the girls are subjected to my idea of hell: being next to Mario Lopez and walking, running and dancing on stilts that look like gigantic cankles.

What’d you think about the hot dog challenge?

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