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“Dancing with the Stars” video highlights (13.1)

Wow. WOW.

Monday night was my very first time watching Dancing with the Stars and I am still trying to piece my world back together.

This show is overwhelming to dive into: 24 dancers (12 “celebrities” and 12 pros), three judges, two announcers, and enough spangles to make Liberace rise from his grave and ask everyone to tone it down a little.

But we have moxie, you and I, and so we will persevere.

Fortunately, our 12 performances can easily be broken down into five categories.

Reality thingbot Kristin Cavallari started off in the weak position of having to explain how she’s not actually a monstrous bitch, it just seemed that way on TV. But as you can see, she gave a great performance in spite of the fact that she was being eaten by one of the Yip Yip Martians from Sesame Street.

SCORE: 19 (out of a possible 30)

After lodging “Hold On” firmly in everyone’s heads, Chynna Phillips did the Viennese Waltz, otherwise known as The Waltz of Smiling Insanely While Looking Far Away from Your Partner, and all the judges completely flipped out over her.

Forget putting your hands in the air. Put your foot up there. The judges will lose their minds.

SCORE: 22

Actor and Iraq vet J. R. Martinez gave the best technical performance of the men with a lovely waltz.

Bonus: that floor has never been cleaner.

SCORE: 22

Los Angeles Laker Ron Artest did the cha-cha. (Or, as this show insists on calling it, the cha-cha-cha. I hope you weren’t confused.) The judges called him stiff, but I thought he was enjoyable to watch and surprisingly game.

SCORE: 14 – A scandalous low-ball in my opinion, perhaps because Artest danced first. Harrumph.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy sensation Carson Kressley was far from the best dancer, but he made up for it by being funny, game, and willing to make Mick Jagger faces. I am going to go out on a limb and theorize that AfterEllen.com readers will also enjoy his partner’s performance.

SCORE: 17

Author/activist Chaz Bono already had my vote because of all the vile stuff bigots have been posting on ABC message boards about him, so I was delighted to see that I would have voted for him anyway. His performance was great fun.

SCORE: 17

Person with last name Kardashian Rob Kardashian did a waltz during which he put his feet on the floor in a pattern.

SCORE: 16

A few of my friends confessed to finding actor David Arquette inexplicably appealing. I couldn’t remember anything about his dance after it was over. His dancing partner Kym Johnson makes the clip worth a look, though.

She was really game about being sort of dropped on the floor, wasn’t she?

SCORE: 18 — A 6 and a 6 and a 6. Uh oh.

Actress and talk show host Ricki Lake’s waltz was also a favorite with the judges and with several of my friends who were online, but I found her dance to be a little ssssszzzzzz.

SCORE: 20

Model and apparent George Clooney ex Elisabetta Canalis did a cha cha with her vaguely jerky partner. Get ready for props, wackiness, and midriff.

SCORE: 15

I’m sorry I made you scroll all the way down here to get to Hope Solo. She did a competent job with the dancing, but I was honestly a little surprised at how high she scored.

I have never been a fan of pink dresses, but I may have changed my mind.

SCORE: 21

The only thing good about Nancy Grace‘s performance was that she didn’t manage to exploit any child murders during her dance. I’m sure it wasn’t for lack of trying.

Seriously: No voting for Nancy Grace, even in jest. Her dance was lame, and her introductory segment left me with negative feelings about cleavage. Never again.

On the other hand, if I had to watch that, so do you. Be sure to stick with it until the part where she just cold gives up and starts walking around, but does a little finger-pointy thing to try to fool you into thinking she’s still dancing.

SCORE: 16?! Two points higher than Ron Artest?! I object!

The world just found out what the opposite of getting robbed looks like. I think a certain show’s producers want to milk the love-to-be-repelled-by-her crowd. Please do not play into that. No more of this Nancy Grace foolishness.

Meet me back here tomorrow for a SnapCap of the episode and the lowdown on the results show. (And, if it turns out I have to watch Nancy Grace again, some petulance and swearing.)

Go forth and dance.

<a href=”http://polldaddy.com/poll/5518756/”>Who gave the best DWTS performance on 9/19?</a>

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