“America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars” Ep. 1 recap: You can be a bitch, just be memorable


I can’t believe it’s already time for another season of America’s Next Top Model. Last night’s premiere picked up right where I remember it leaving off – which is to say, ridiculously.

Our fearless leader, Tyra Banks, tosses and turns in her bed as visions of RuPaul — no, wait — visions of herself emulating past contestants dance around her head.

She wakes to tell us it’s not a nightmare; it’s a reality. She went back through all the old cycles and brought back our favorites for a season of ANTM All-Stars (or mostly the people who caused some kind of controversy)! 

This season is gonna get cray because not only are the All-Stars coming, but a whole slew of B-D list celebrities will be giving the girls pointers, possibly trying to hit on them and definitely trying to pimp out their new clothing line (Kardashians, I am looking at you).

In a quick preview of what’s to come, the girls will be doing more than just smizing to get love from the judges. They’ll be writing their own songs and shooting their own music videos while getting expert help from Keenan Cahill (the lip-dub kid from YouTube). I’m not sure if you’ve seen any of his videos — and quite frankly, I’m not sure Tyra has, either, if this is who she wants them to take after. I’m being generous if I say he knows 25 percent of the words to any of the songs he records lip dubs for. But, OK, it’s not my show. I can calm down.

Just as I was regretting volunteering to recap this season, Tyra promises All-Star drama and, best of all, new slang! “Smize” has been getting a lot of love from my lexicon over the past few years so I’m ready for more magical vocabulary to use while commenting on my friends’ Facebook pictures.

Let’s get this party started! 

The first to enter the house is Angelea from Cycle 14 who is self-proclaimed “classy ghetto” and, if her sound bytes from this first episode are any indication, will be getting into the most fights in the house.

Next to enter the house is Laura from the petite cycle of girls. I remember liking her a lot but I don’t know if it was her sweetness or how much she reminded me of Mary Cherry from Popular that really reeled me in.

Cycle 9’s resident bitch Bianca comes in and Angelea is positive she’ll be getting into a fight with her. In order to check that off of her self-fulfilling prophecy list, Angelea starts singing a song with only one word (“Drama”) as she spins in a small circle in front of Bianca. It’s too early to place bets, but I think Angelea will need to step up her game when the models are challenged to write their own songs.

Lisa, the wild child from Cycle 5, is back and six years older than when she first appeared. I only make note of that because I distinctly remember the other girls from her cycle complaining that she already looked too old and she had a lazy eye. Apparently I am concentrating on all the wrong details because Bianca remembers Lisa as the girl who peed in a diaper, to which I say, there are many things she could have peed in that would’ve been worse than a diaper.

Bre is the next to come through the door and the only reason I remember her is because she was on the same cycle as the hotness known as Kim Stolz. Are we sure Kim wasn’t picked as a fan favorite? She’s a fan favorite in my dreams.

Cycle 4’s party girl, Brittany, comes in and I think she’s pretty hot! She reminds me a lot of Mikey’s fiance, Raquel from The Real L Word.

Dominique from Cycle 10 walks in and looks amazing for just having had a baby two months ago. Remember her? She was the contestant who looked really masculine in a lot of her photos. She walked in looking beautiful, but I’m a little worried her makeover isn’t going to do her any favors if this screen shot is any indication.

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