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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.10): Hurt her and I’ll kill you, no really

First things first: Let’s bring it in for a big Rizzles gals group hug. It’s the summer finale, which means no more gayzzoli or eye sex or TGTGT until the show returns November 28. Also, this episode is kind of intense. So put on your big-girl pants, hold your LLBFF close and let’s watch Det. Jane Rizzoli and Dr. Maura Isles kick some evildoer ass together one more time this season.

It’s a bad morning to be wearing orange – well at least jailhouse orange. A young lad who looks entirely too fresh-faced and well-scrubbed to be in prison has just posted bail when he is shanked in the bathroom. The Rizzoli & Isles production crew really went all-out on its fake blood budget here.

Back in Maura’s office, she is showing Mama Rizzoli a “sleep coach” she bought Jane for her birthday. It involves some kind of She-Ra Princess of Dorkiness headband that calculates sleep cycles. Maura demonstrates and Mama R looks on horrified and tells her to send it back because Jane will “never get married” while wearing it. Oh, Mama R, of course Jane can still get married — it’s legal now in Massachusetts, remember?

Also, can we talk about how Maura even looks sexy wearing that She-Ra Princess of Dorkiness headband? I think it’s physically impossible for Sasha Alexander and her pretty, shiny hair to look bad. In fact, I think it’s now one of the official laws of physics.

Maura is stressing out about what to get Jane with her future mother-in-law. Mama R says her daughter is getting a surprise party whether she likes it or not. Those two are already plotting together for things they can do to Jane — just like family.

Speaking of family, Frankie walks in looking for a little stress relief from Maura. No, no — not that kind of stress relief. This is the good Rizzoli brother who would never play sexy chess with his sister’s girlfriend. Frankie is just looking for help to calm his anxiety before his detective’s exam. His mom adds to his anxiousness instead, asking if he is worried about putting on a little weight. Never change, Mama Rizzoli; never change.

Jane walks in on Frankie and Maura on the couch and says they should “at least close the blinds.” She speaks from experience. It’s always awkward when the medical examiner’s office interns walk in on Jane unzipping Maura.

Frankie leaves without his anxiety relief, saying he didn’t want to be a detective anyway. This confuses Maura’s logic circuitry, which in turn triggers Jane’s incredulity circuitry. You’d think all these years of being with Jane would make Maura better at picking up on sarcasm. You’d be wrong. Jane asks if Maura is trying to drive her crazy. God, I hope so — in a sexy, naughty way.

I love how Angie Harmon doesn’t even have to say her trademark “Really?” anymore. Her face says it for her.

Jane says they have to go to the jail to investigate the attack on the poor, well-scrubbed inmate from earlier. But instead of letting Jane and her swagger breeze on in, they stop her and Maura at the entrance like common criminals. Warden Price tells them they need to go through full security. Jane disgustedly says, “This is bulls–t.” Look at TNT getting all hardcore with the foul language.

Jane tells Maura that Warden Bulls–t used to be a big-time defense attorney before he pulled strings to get the warden job. But he is still sore about all the times Jane and Korsak beat him in court. When Maura sets off the metal detector he says she needs a pat-down. A female prison guard commands Maura to “Turn around. Spread your legs.” Um, I’m pretty sure that’s Jane’s line.

The pat down is indeed very thorough as she even pats “up there.” Though, you really can’t blame the prison guard for taking her shot. I mean, if I had a chance to pat Maura’s “up there,” I’d do it, too. Jane, however, is less than amused. All patting that makes Maura make this face should be done exclusively by her.

During the extended grope and tickle session the stabbed inmate dies, which only further incenses Jane. She even deploys the Ponytail of Righteous Justice while surveying the crime scene. She asks for the victim’s records and Warden Bulls–t says not until he sees a subpoena. Jane asks him if he really intends to be such an asshat and he calls her “hysterical.” To channel Whoopi Goldberg for a minute, “Warden Bulls–t, you in danger, girl.”

Korsak and Frost show up, equally displeased about an unwelcome frisking. She tells them Warden Bulls–t called her “hysterical” and Frost calls him a “dick” and says he’s surprised “his balls aren’t in his throat right now.” See, even big, tough police detectives know you do not mess with Det. Jane Rizzoli.

As they’re examining the victim’s body in the infirmary, a thin, raspy voice chimes in from behind a curtain. It’s none other than Jane’s own personal boogieman, serial killer and major creep Charles Hoyt.

For those who might have forgotten, Hoyt is a very bad man who does very bad things to couples. He also has a very bad thing for Jane. He stabbed her in the hands, she returned the favor and also shot a flare into his ugly Skeletor face. And now, despite murdering nine people, he is in a infirmary instead of a maximum security prison because he is dying of cancer. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

Hoyt is his normal creepy self, imploring Jane to come closer and showing off his latest reading material. Though, he does have good taste in books. Hey, Tess Gerritsen, hey. Book author shout-outs are all the rage this season. Remember when Sookie Stackhouse was reading Charlaine Harris at the kitchen table?

Maura worries Hoyt might be faking his condition and asks to see his medical record. Warden Bulls–t again refuses and so Maura eyeballs some conveniently placed vials of his blood. Hoyt keeps rambling about some very bad things he did he wants to tell Jane. He says “the good doctor can hear, too.” See, even crazed homicidal maniacs know Jane and Maura are a couple.

He goes on about a young eagle and white velvet and eagle water and Maura thinks he might be talking nonsense. I know I should be all, “Oooh, scary serial killer is scary,” but mostly I just like how Hoyt’s presence makes Jane and Maura extra protective of each other. I know everyone is serious here, but they look seriously sexy together.

Back at police headquarters, Jane says seeing Hoyt will give her “nightmares for months.” Maura asks, a little too enthusiastically, if she might need her own personal “sleep coach.” Don’t worry, she already returned that dorky headband thing. She’s clearly just volunteering herself here. But I don’t know if “sleep” is exactly what she’ll be coaching Jane in.

Maura then says it’s a good thing she didn’t get another love pat on the way out and goes for her cleavage. Jane gets all, “Honey, not in public,” but Maura just pulls out a vial of Hoyt’s blood instead. Can we hide more things in Maura’s cleavage, please? Like, an item an episode?

Jane is equal parts shocked and proud that her lady stole Hoyt’s blood. But then Maura starts to panic that she might get arrested. Uh, wasn’t she practically begging Jane to arrest her a couple of weeks ago? Just saying.

While going through evidence from the jail, they find several different kinds of self-fashioned shivs. Maura calls it fascinating, like Project Runway. Coming to Bravo this fall: Project Shiv, where Tim Gunn tells contestants to “Make it bleed.”

Jane gives Maura a patented “Really?” and moves on. Butches just don’t appreciate the fabulousness of high-fashion shivs. In the cafeteria, Frankie confronts Jane about seeing Hoyt. She deflects and talks about the surprise birthday party she is not supposed to know about instead. She tells Frankie to tell their mom she wants a “My Pretty Pony”-themed party. My Pretty Pony? Has Jane been talking to Brittany?

Mama Rizzoli asks why Jane and Frankie look like a pair of kittens without their mittens and then offers her two grown-up police officer children a cream cheese and jelly sandwich. I mean it, never change Mama R. Jane teases Frankie about being chunky. Frankie punches Jane in the arm. Again, Tommy Rizzoli, learn from these two how siblings should appropriately interact with each other.

Maura has found something “interesting” in the victim’s stomach contents. And by “interesting,” she means super gross. He has swallowed a balloon full of human teeth. When Lady Gaga sang “show me your teeth,” this was not what she was talking about.

Maura’s computer dings and instead of being Hoyt’s blood results, as expected, it’s a confirmation email about the romantic rainbow hot air balloon ride she booked for Jane’s birthday. Aw, you two lovebirds. Just don’t try to join the mile-high club because that seems like a dangerous maneuver for a wicker basket.

The team puzzles over the balloon full of teeth, which all came from four different people — including two children. Jane and Korsak go to the basement to check out cold cases. Jane is convinced Hoyt is involved, even with his terminal pancreatic cancer diagnosis. So she pulls an all-nighter and emerges all rumpled but no less sexy with the case of a missing family of four. DNA results link the missing family of four to the teeth in the victim’s body.

Back at Jane’s apartment, a sweatpanted Jane is poring over the case and Maura tells her not to “over secrete.” Though a little secretion never hurt, am I right ladies? Jane says perhaps a midnight hot air balloon ride will help her relax and Maura says she just wanted a “unique experience.” Again, do not attempt to join the mile-high club in a wicker basket, you two. Not safe, not safe at all.

Maura says Jane should save her a lot of agony and “tell me what you want?” OK, Maura, get a pen. This is going to involve marshmallow fluff, a leather jacket and some handcuffs. Also, secretion. Lots and lots of secretion.

Jane says she wants a thoroughbred. Um, you already have one. Have you seen Maura’s legs? But she says she wants a horse she can name Walter and ride to work every day. No, no, no, Jane. You want a unicorn and you’ll name it Brittana because we all know you and Maura cuddle each Tuesday night and secretly watch Glee together.

Maura’s sarcasm detector has apparently had a sudden upgrade and she says many people wouldn’t take Jane’s “abuse” like she does. Jane whines that she hates her birthday and Maura asks her what the “big whoop” is. “Whoop” is so close to “whoopee,” which is what Maura and Jane should be making. Jane says her birthdays never turn out like she imagined it and she gets disappointed. Again, not to be redundant, but it wouldn’t if you two would celebrate by making whoopee.

The team finds the murdered family of four submerged in a car in a pond. As they try to connect the case to Hoyt, Jane gets a call that he wants to give a death-bed confession about all the other people he murdered and the places he hid their bodies. Maura says she’s coming along, because all the people playing the drinking game at home aren’t quite drunk enough yet.

At the jail, Warden Bulls–t tries to tell Jane she can only have half an hour with Hoyt. She tells him in no uncertain words that she will take as damn long as she pleases and he can shove it where the hysterical don’t shine. Then Maura gives him a passing smirk like, “Yeah, that’s my Det. Sexy McBadass. Later I’m going to let her unwrap me for her birthday. So suck on that.”

The jail guard lets Jane and Maura in to see Hoyt. He tells her to come closer, again. Look, when a serial killer tells you to “come closer,” you do not come closer. But Jane does and then he grabs her by the throat and throws her down. Instead of helping, the guard grabs Maura and says he’ll watch. I think I speak for the collective Rizzles fandom when I say, HOLY CRAP.

Hoyt and his jailer apprentice have Jane and Maura bound with zip ties. Hoyt threatens Jane with the taser and Maura lets out a strangled “No!” It’s the scream of someone whose true love is being tortured, because that’s pretty much what is happening.

Hoyt says he wants company because he is dying and will take Jane and Maura with him. Well, not to state the obvious, but he does specialize in killing couples in front of each other. He makes a slash on Jane’s neck. Maura weeps violently. I need a hug. Who needs a hug? For the love of God, someone hug me.

Then Hoyt goes after Maura and it’s Jane’s turn to let out a strangled, “No!” Jane screams, “Don’t you touch her,” but Hoyt doesn’t listen and zaps her with the taser. He then gives Maura a matching slash on her neck. Look, I’m all for lesbian couples looking alike but matching scars is perhaps a tad over the top.

Hoyt hurting Maura is all Jane needs to Hulk out and go all ape doodoo on the jail guard. She head butts him and kicks him in the nuts. Then tasers him for good measure. I repeat, do not touch Jane’s woman. Then she goes after Hoyt. Oh, children, this is going to be good.

Furious Det. Jane Rizzoli is a thing of frighteningly ferocious beauty. She knocks him to the ground. They struggle for the scalpel. She gets it and screams, “I win!” before plunging it into his heart. Hello, Travelocity, I’d like to reserve one solo ticket to hell, please.

Listen up criminals: Do not hurt Jane’s woman; you wouldn’t like what Jane does to you when you hurt her woman. Korsak and Frost arrive in time to shoot the jail guard. Then a bloodied Jane sobs into Korsak’s arms, which I guess is understandable because Maura is still weakened from the tasering and all.

Jane show up a little later, bandaged and bruised, to the Dirty Robber expecting her surprise party. But she finds an empty bar. I think she’s actually a little disappointed. Quick, Maura, kiss it and make it better.

She finally returns home to find, surprise, the real surprise party. They’ve decorated her place with a horsie motif, since try as she might Mama Rizzoli couldn’t find the My Pretty Pony gear she’d asked for. Someone call Santana, I bet you she knows exactly where to find Jane a proper Rainbow Dash.

Maura hands Jane a beer, in a can. And then drinks one herself. Quick, has anyone checked the good doctor for head injuries from her tasering? Maura says they’ll need a lot of beer after today, but that she can taste the aluminum. OK, whew, false alarm. Her mental functions are working just fine.

Frankie gives Jane his detective test results as his gift. He scored a 96 percent. Korsak says he had a good teacher but Frost chimes in that he’s the one who taught Frankie everything he knows. Oh, Frostie fans, this finale even had some love for you.

Maura slips in and hands Jane her own present next. Maura, Maura — that box is way too small for you to pop out of naked.

Instead, the box contains fire-resistant racing shoes. Which go along with the trip to racing school Maura gives Jane as her birthday. While it’s no naked Maura covered in marshmallow fluff, I think the look on Jane’s face says she loves it anyway.

And, if that weren’t enough, she gives Maura a happy, humpy hug as thanks. Now, everyone else go home because that little display was just a preview of the proper “hug” Jane plans to give Maura later that night, all night long. And, so, another summer season of Rizzoli & Isles ends as it should — with the bad guys dead and Jane and Maura in each other’s arms.

This show, you guys. This show. Should we even keep calling it subtext when it looks like this?

An epic finale deserves an equally epic showing of your #gayzzoli tweets.

Thanks for playing along this season. I’ll see you back here in November.

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