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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.09): Check your mate

It’s a beautiful morning in Boston. Dr. Maura Isles answers the knock at the door in slinky high-heeled boots only to find Det. Jane Rizzoli on her doorstep adjusting her Ponytail of Sporty Butchness (not unlike the Ponytail of Righteous Justice, but less likely to pack heat). Jane looks Maura up and down and, while appreciating her sexy ensemble, chastises her immediately for forgetting their crack-of-dawn run — the crack-of-dawn run which was Maura’s idea in the first place.

And then, then the Rizzoli & Isles writers do the meanest thing they’ve ever done to us. I mean it – more mean than That Lucky Bastard Ian. More mean than FBI Agent McBeardy. More mean than the time Maura threatened to undress Jane “the hard way,” but then didn’t show her doing it. Nope, what those big meanie writers do is imply that Tommy Rizzoli and Maura Isles were totally doing it. And when I say “implied,” I mean suddenly from around the corner Jane hears Tommy yell, “Hey, babe, once you touch it you’ve got to do something with it.”

See Jane’s face? Yeah. That is the face of lesbians everywhere going, “What touch? What something? WHAT THE HELL?” But those mean, mean writers were just teasing us. Because they can. Because, as I mentioned before, they’re mean. Because Tommy and Maura weren’t doing it — at least not that “it.” Even though Maura confesses that Tommy “spent the night” and is “quite good,” the “it” they were doing all night was playing chess.

Hello, collective lesbian sigh of relief. Though perhaps not too much of a sigh because it seems little Tommy boy thinks their chess “it,” might lead to the actual “it.” He’s giving Maura his best Rizzoli smolder and calling her “the best opponent I ever faced.” Maura, who has clearly seen a few Rizzoli smolders in her day, reflexively gives a little smolder back. You can’t blame her really, I mean, he does share the same DNA as Jane.

But Jane, just as clearly, is displeased by her little brother’s poaching on her territory. I know Tommy is the black sheep of the family, but hitting on your sister’s girlfriend is particularly low, dude. The sibling rivalry is blessedly interrupted by a call on Jane’s phone about a possible homicide. She tells Maura they have to go, but Maura says she’s about to “castle” and hasn’t been called in yet. I don’t know how to play chess and don’t know what “castle” means, but I assume given Jane’s face it means “irritate the hell out of your girlfriend.”

Maura then gets her call, and tells Tommy “no moves without me.” Jane then hisses at him, “No moves at all.” Tommy Rizzoli, you keep your dirty pawns off of Jane’s queen. Do not make big sis kick your ass.

As they head to the crime scene, Jane goes for the direct approach and tells Maura, “Do not sleep with my brother.” Maura says it hadn’t even occurred to her — on account of being gay an all — but teases her saying “he does have exquisite long bones.” Good thing it runs in the family, eh Maura?

She then says it is his mind she is most attracted to, which makes Jane snort. Tommy barely graduated high school. Jane tells Maura when Tommy becomes a chess champion, she can sleep with him. Maura asks, “Really?” and Jane clarifies, “No.” See kids, simple direct communication is the key to any successful relationship.

At the scene, they find a car with blood inside but no body. Seems the women we saw desperately trying to get away before the opening credits didn’t make it. Her car has been stripped of parts, so Jane tells one of the nearby officers to spread the word the police will pay triple for anything salvaged. The officer gives Jane the once over and then huffily says his name is Officer Duncan. Jane asks Korsak what that was all about and he says people like to be acknowledged. And then he reminds her of the mandatory sensitivity training she hasn’t attended yet. I would watch a whole episode of just Jane in sensitivity training, I really would. Think of the comic potential, people.

But Jane has not time to sit with some “emo Nazi.” I am now envisioning a bunch of floppy haired rockers in skinny jeans singing about their feelings with Fuhrer mustaches. Please, let this not become a trend. That means you, Park Slope hipsters — don’t go getting any funny ideas.

Frost finds the car owner’s ID, and it appears she worked on the docks. Korsak says she is probably a secretary and Jane calls him on his sexist remark assumption. Maura pitches in and says even though the victim is 5’2″, she could easily lift twice her body weight. Jane heads to the docks and tells Maura, “You, of course, are coming with me.” Wow, now they’re actually playing the drinking game for us.

Maura teases Jane some more, saying she thinks she is intentionally trying to keep her from her chess game. Jane says she isn’t worried about all their hot knight to queen to castle action, she just drove Maura there. Oh, Jane, never let the emo Nazis change you.

Before we proceed, I feel we need to take a moment to fully appreciate Jane’s outfit. I know Det. Olivia Benson is the original Butchy McFabulous, but Jane has made a clear case for the title here. For the love of hotness, please let this case be solved all in one day so Jane stays in these clothes the whole time.

At the docks, a worker cat calls our gals with “Hey baby, nice tits.” Well, he isn’t wrong. Jane asks if guys really think women will run over and tear off their clothes after that. Well, certainly not gay women. Maura says men can’t help it, it’s a natural chemical response to female pheromones. And then have flirty eye sex while talking about abundant breasts. Jane then states the obvious and says the guy doesn’t have a “snowball’s chance in hell.” This show, you guys — how can you not love it?

The union rep walks up to Jane and Maura and asks what he can do for “you lovely ladies.” Jane, who has all the male pheromones she can handle, snaps back, “That’s a doctor and I’m a detective.” In case you were keeping score, so far that’s Sexist Comments, 0; Jane Rizzoli 3.

Jane asks the union rep if he knows who the female victim is. He says not too many “girls” work on the docks. Mr. Nice Tits comes over and identifies the woman as MJ, and says she walked off the job mid shift yesterday. He calls affirmative action hires bulls–t and says “no muscle, no use.” Maura counters that male and female muscle tissue is identical, what varies is the skeletal frame. But “men generally have less body fat [stares at Mr. Nice Tits’ huge gut], but not always.” Now it’s Sexist Comments 0, Maura Isles, 1.

The sexist wonder twins are saved from more humiliation when Jane and Maura hear a commotion outside. The low tide has uncovered the victim’s body. She is tied to one of the pier pylons with a picture pinned to her chest by an ice pick. Jane immediately recognizes the signature, but tells Maura it doesn’t mean he is back. But Maura knows, her biological dad and mob boss Paddy Doyle has returned.

Maura says she won’t conduct the autopsy because of her potential conflict of interest. Instead she is calling in Dr. Pike from one of the field offices. Korsak and Jane both groan — though Jane perhaps a little bit more because it’ll mean less special Maura time. Korsak, in turn, groans because Dr. Pike is a pompous ass with OCD. Jane asks what she’ll tell Dr. Pompous and Maura says she doesn’t have to tell him anything because she’s his boss. Mmm, bossy Maura.

An executive with the dock company tells Jane and Korsak that it’s the union workers with ties to the mob, not the nice beneficent corporation who are the problem. He wants to rid the docks of the union element. And Labor Day to you, too. Korsak says the union guys won’t talk. Then he does a Brando impersonation that makes Jane and everyone watching at home do this.

In the autopsy room, Dr. Pompous has arrived and is already disparaging the organization of Maura’s equipment. Also, he happens to be Ed Begley Jr. Jane says she doesn’t care that he played a doctor on St. Elsewhere, she shouldn’t let him treat her like that. Det. Jane Rizzoli does not take kindly to people putting down her woman’s professional skills. Not kindly at all.

He calls Doyle a butcher and Maura leaves the room. Jane follows and tells her not to let Dr. Pompous get to her. Jane tries to reassure her by saying Doyle was only her sperm donor and that as lesbians they know all about the nature v. nurture aspect of parenting. Jane reassures Maura further saying “judging by the amazing person you turned out to be, his DNA didn’t win.” Good Girlfriend Jane is one of my favorite Janes.

Maura, however, is in Bad Girlfriend mode and IMing chess moves with Tommy in the office. Jane is having none of that flirty emoticon nonsense. Also, what’s up with Tommy using the screen name “Tommyboi?” Is he trying to pass himself off as a butch lesbian? Because, I’m pretty sure Jane already has that covered. Maura tries to justify their IMing by saying she keeps in touch with Jane throughout the day, too — hopefully with some extra naughty emoticons included. Jane says it must be because of her “amazing long bones.” Well, yes, among other things.

Just then the elevator pings and Jane spazzes out when she sees who exits. No, really, I mean it. She runs around, hides behind Maura and finally stashes herself away against a door. The only way that scene could have been more perfect is if Jane wound up hiding in Maura’s closet.

The person who caused such Scooby Dooian-levels of zaniness in Jane is the sensitivity trainer. She wants to dialogue with Jane, but was told she was in Maura’s office — because Jane is always in Maura’s office and everyone knows it. For a sensitivity trainer she should really be more sensitive to the fact that Maura and Jane are partners and give them their personal space.

Maura does her best non-lying lying and says she can’t see Jane right now. Which, technically, is true since she is facing forward and Jane is off to the side. The emo Nazi leaves and Korsak comes looking for Jane instead. He has a lead on the victim. Sarcastic Jane shows up instead, and gives him a dose of her best sensitivity babble. Maura watches on adoringly. Sarcastic Jane must be one of Maura’s favorite Janes.

Jane and Korsak visit the victim’s sister. Her father was a longshoreman and injured on the job. The union said it was his fault because he was drinking, so her sister went to work at the docks to investigate. Back at the ME’s office, Dr. Pompous has found a SD card in the stomach contents. Then he crows about how he’ll be the one who broke the case and brought down Paddy Doyle. After Maura leaves, he even tries to sit in Maura’s chair. Now it’s Maura’s turn to have none of that.

But instead of going home and working out her frustrations in a fun sweaty way with Jane, she goes home and plays more chess with Tommy. She says she is intrigued by the assertiveness of his playing. Bad, Maura, wrong sibling. Luckily, a mobster breaks down her door and stops their game. Never before have I been so happy to see an armed home invasion.

The mobster brings in Paddy Doyle himself, who has been shot. She is forced at gunpoint to tend to her biological dad’s wounds. I know family reunions can be awkward, but this takes it to another level. Doyle asks if Tommy is her boyfriend. He may only be the sperm donor, but he recognizes bad boyfriend material when he sees it. She says he has no right to ask her personal questions while holding her hostage. A simple “no” would have also worked, too, Maura.

Tommy finds out Doyle is Maura’s biological father and starts asking questions. Was she adopted? How long has she known? Is this thing with my sister really serious? Doyle starts making strange sounds and his mob heavy hits Tommy to get Maura to help him. Good, maybe that’ll smack some sense into Tommy and he’ll stop putting the moves on his sister’s girlfriend. Doyle wakes up long enough to tell Maura she looks like her mother and she would like her. Maura tries to find out who she is, because Jaqueline Bisset is gorgeous and all but lacking in the warm milk and cookies nurturing department.

Back at the docks, Jane and Korsak return to question workers. Mr. Nice Tits sees her and grabs his junk at her. Did you know chimpanzees do that, too? Ask Maura all about it. Korsak tells him to cut it out because “this detective is a lady.” And then everyone laughs because, come on, Jane out butches everyone on the force and their fathers.

Mr. Nice Tits returns to plant a big hand on Jane’s ass. She takes him down with a swift arm twist and gets called a “freakin’ lezzie” for her troubles. I want to talk about how incredibly inappropriate this douche is with his chauvinist comments about tits and homophobic comments about lezzies. But, truth be told, he wasn’t entirely wrong about his content — just incredibly wrong about his delivery.

Another homicide comes in, this time it’s Doyle’s right-hand man. Dr. Pompous arrives on scene instead of Maura, which gets Jane’s Spidey sense tingling immediately. When he says Dr. Isles was unreachable, Jane bolts. What’s that, girl? Maura fell down the well? You’ve got to love it when Jane’s Lassie instincts kick in.

Jane gets to Maura’s apartment, gun blazing, ready to take out whoever is hurting her lady. See, Maura, that’s the sibling you go to in a crisis. The other one is just good for IMing silly emoticons. Maura tells Jane that Doyle said he was being framed — that he doesn’t kill women or children or innocents. Jane’s not buying it. But Tommy does, and says Jane didn’t see the way Doyle looked at Maura. He has a point; I’m guessing Tommy has plenty of practice watching someone else stare adoringly at Maura.

Jane comforts Maura the best way she knows how — with some Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching. At least, it’s the best way she knows how when there are other people present. How much do you want to bet a Rizzoli spent the night again, and I’m not talking about Tommy. Also, trust me, they didn’t spend all night just fondling their rooks.

The next morning Officer Duncan is back. He appears to be having one of those grade-school crushes where you pull the pigtail of the girl you like. Jane, who is understandably oblivious to the male mating rituals, doesn’t believe Frost and Korsak when they say he’s there for her. Hey, officer, you’re barking up the wrong tree — the wrong, gay tree. They tease Jane about it and she tells them to “Shut. Up.” I love it when she makes “shut up” two sentences.

Maura is having her own silly boy problems. Dr. Pompous has completed his autopsy and released the body without completing an examination of the victim’s teeth and without Maura’s consent. Maura says he works for her and then gets accused of pulling rank. Dr. Pompous remains true to his name and brings out the old “I went to Harvard” line. Maura has finally had enough and tells him to “Shut it!” Next time she should make it two sentences like Jane. Bossy Maura is definitely one of my favorite Mauras.

Mr. Nice Tits is in the interrogation room and being uncooperative, so Jane calls out his moobs. Looks like someone has a new nickname. When he finds out who the victim’s dad is, he tells them her dad was running for union rep before his “accident.” As they the detectives go to investigate the lead, Mr. Nice Moobs comes walking down the hall with the sensitivity trainer.

He has lodged a complaint about the whole “moobs” thing. Sexual harassers are so sensitive these days. Jane defuses the situation by spewing some more sensitivity speak about the cruelty of her words and the how we should all sing kumbaya while skipping through a field and picking daisies. And it actually works. Move over, Meryl Streep, all the acting awards now go to Det. Jane Rizzoli.

All the “strategically placing your head near cleavage”-awards go to Det. Jane Rizzoli, too. When they go to talk to the union rep, they find him dead with an ice pick to the heart and his secretary tied up in the closet. I gotta give Jane massive bonus points for not sneaking a peek. Though, once you’ve stared directly into The Rack of God, all else pales in comparison.

In the autopsy room, Maura tells Jane the union rep is the killer based on bite marks she left on his arm. Jane says Doyle could have still ordered the murder. Frosts texts that he has “something big” they both need to see. Come on, man, you know they don’t want to see that. No more unsolicited male junk in this episode — or ever — please.

Frost instead shows them footage the victim recorded while working. It shows the union rep getting paid off by not Doyle, but the corporate executive. Meet your new mob boss, same as the old mob moss — but more likely to get federal tax breaks. They rush to the company headquarters and find the exec with some broken fingers but Doyle already gone. Did I mention Jane shot out the glass front door? I swear, that woman is going to make me a card-carrying member of the NRA before this is all over.

Case closed, the Rizzolis are all back where they belong — Maura’s house. Mama Rizzoli has returned from her trip to Atlantic City with the entire contents of her mini fridge. Tommy is there still trying to woo Maura with his knight moves. And Jane is there proudly displaying her big gay sensitivity training completion certificate. It has a rainbow in it and everything. I think this means we officially owe her a toaster oven. Check your mail, Jane, it should arrive in four to six weeks.

Before Maura can throw her a proper coming out party with streamers and a private concert by Melissa Etheridge, Jane’s phone rings. It’s Doyle. He says he’s one of the good guys — comparatively. And then he tells Jane to “take care of my daughter.” I’m pretty sure this means he just gave his blessing to their relationship. Do you think Mama Rizzoli, Mother Isles and Daddy Doyle all attend the same PFLAG meetings?

Flush with parental approval, Jane saunters over to the chess board and casually checkmates Tommy. Maura is all, “You play chess, oh my God, everyone get out of my house immediately so we can play strip chess right now.” Jane looks at a sheepish Tommy and says she taught him everything he knows: “Tommy’s not the only Rizzoli with a beautiful mind — plus I have the beautiful body to go with it.”

The look on Maura’s face is one of awe and relief. Like, “Ah-ha, now I finally understand why I had this weird attraction to Tommy. He’s Jane-lite.” That’s right, Maura, accept no substitute. Oh, and Tommy, that’s what you get for checking out Jane’s mate.

And now, on to your #gayzzoli hilarity. Bring on the tweets!

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