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“Candy Bar Girls” recap: Episode 6

The final hurdle is upon us and we cannot deny that we’re delighted to see the Candy Bar finish line. There has been nothing terribly wrong with this show; it has simply been disappointingly dis-interesting. Apart from some feelings of fondness for Sandra’s ways and some genuine mirth experienced at the hands of Shoreditch Jo and her mum, we’ve felt dead inside for one hour every week as we watched nothing happen.

But because we always try to look for the good in everything and everyone, natch, we will say that at least it wasn’t a car crash. At least it made lesbians look boring and not mental, murderous or in danger of shagging a man at any moment.

We are greeted by Gary walking his very small dog along the streets of London. The press launch of the Candy Bar is dawning and in a transparent bid by Channel 5 to inject some sort of tension we’re told that if this launch goes tits up then Gary’s credibility goes down the pan. I think the boat has already sailed on that one Gary; your credibility went when you displayed fear over your mother’s vagina in episode one.

However Gary is going all out to make sure the Candy Bar’s launch is a winner and invites Christina (daughter of Jean Christophe) Novelli to use her highly trained culinary skills to sort out the catering.

Christina: So I was thinking cheese and pineapple on a stick?

Although Gary seemed up for this classic 1970s combo, Christina admits she was just larking about. Gary suggests serving prawns and Christina suggests her mind is going into overdrive with the excitement of it all.

Christina goes to the shops to look at ingredients and again we are reminded how much depends on this single night being a success.

Sandra is tasked with bringing celebrities to this must-do-well-or-Gary-will-look-like-a-twat launch. Sam and Alex are on hand to help.

Sam suggests a guest list that cascades with ever increasing unlikeness: Mel C, Annie Lennox, Britney Spears, Madonna, Lady Gaga, Ellen DeGeneres and her hot wife, Portia.

To be fair Sam does admit that her list isn’t entirely realistic but Sandra jots down Rihanna and tells her you’ve got to aim for the stars and she’s certain that this party is going to be the event of the decade.

Lee: I can’t wait to see the scene at the end with Rihanna and Annie Lennox trying Gary’s prawns.

Alex’s mum has arrived in London from Australia. She is thrilled by the sight of a double decker bus – each time she witnesses one go by.

Alex’s mum: I’ve got to go on the double decker one. I’ve got to go on it.

After the excitement of seeing several buses Alex and her mum have lunch and Alex’s mum expresses her delight with Alex and girlfriend Sam’s engagement.

Alex’s mum: They have their tiffs, but don’t we all, but they probably have fun making up so it doesn’t really matter, does it?

Alex shows her mum around London. Alex’s mum is wowed by the amount of people sitting in a park and cars travelling on the road. Inside the Candy Bar she notes that the pictures she had seen don’t match up to what she is seeing now. It’s because all of the pink has been scraped from the walls.

Gary takes his staff on a bonding outing to Brighton because they’ve been working their socks off. The Candy Bar girls seem to be having a gay ole time in Brighton, drinking beer from the bottle and playing on the dodgems. Their next point of call is considering the challenge of a hair-raising ride at the edge of Brighton Pier.

Instead they drink wine and eat chips.

Sandra: Things like this really do help you bond. Seeing your workmates outside of work is really, really helpful.

Jessie D is in her flat drinking tea and talking about the pitfalls of coming out of university with no work skills, such as not being trained in how to clean a glass. She admits to being a lost lamb in the big smoke. But there is a helpful interjection in the form of Christina Novelli who offers to train Danni in how to work behind a bar.

After a few gags about heads while pouring pints and asking to watch older men drink their cider, by gum she seems to have got the size of it and Danni may have bagged herself a job down the local. She drinks a pint in celebration.

DJ Jo is back and she’s still teaching.

Jo: I’ve just got in from school and it is still really good. Er, I love it, the kids are great.

Sarah: Well thank goodness because the cliffhanger in episode two over which profession she would choose has been playing on my mind.

It turns out that DJ Jo is now single. She has chosen her career as a schoolteacher over love. Because of course all teachers must be single till the day they die. She is also considering giving up DJing but the thought of actually doing it is making her all bum-clenchy.

She then reveals that she has one last big gig that she’s looking forward to. Of course this big gig turns out to be the press launch for the Candy Bar, because the entire universe obviously revolves around the Candy Bar. You’d think this show was just one massive advertising campaign for the Candy Bar. Ahem.

The next scene shows people putting the final touches to the Candy Bar ahead of the big launch. The press launch seems to require quite a lot of floor gluing and more building work, which makes us fear that the place has not actually been fit for all those cocktail classes and salsa nights over the past six weeks.

Gary arrives effing and blinding about stuff not being done on time. Seriously, Gary, you need a holiday mate. You need to go lie on a beach somewhere there are no pink towels, crappy cocktails or vaginas, and just chill the f–k out.

Gary decides that the bar needs a name change to keep its brand consistent with his other venues.

Lee: Considering that we’ve just watched a six week branding exercise for a bar called Candy Bar for the last six weeks, it definitely seems sensible to change the name on episode six

It seems that the bar will now be called Candy Ku Bar Girls.

Over in North London, Christina Novelli has borrowed the kitchen of the pub she works in to make the canapés for the press launch and is being helped by hairdresser Natalie.

Sarah: So Natalie and Christina are friends now, when did that happen?

Lee: Why are you questioning the editing of this show, you should know by now that there is no story arc at all.

Christina is making some sort of alcoholic chocolate shot and mini salmon and avocado bagels, while Natalie is just making a mess beside her. They have a bit of flirty banter over toasting bagels and Natalie’s first taste of salmon and generally they’re quite cute together. We think they should just take that chocolate sauce home and not bother going to the Candy Bar party.

Gary has arranged for the girls to have a makeover for the party in the salon next door to the Candy bar. Shauntelle and Alex have a quick fag outside before being ushered inside. They then have a chat about whether they need a bikini wax or not and we become worry about the outfits that Gary is making them wear tonight.

Shauntelle heads for a spray tan and promptly propositions the salon lady who backs off giggling, while Alex gets a consultation from the salon’s top hairstylist who is dressed in so much pink that it would burn Gary’s retinas right into the back of his skull. He tells Alex that he will give her “Beeg, beeg herr, you weeel be soo glamorous.”

Sarah: Is that the way you write French accents?

Lee: It’s how I write all European accents

We’ve never had a spray tan and were we ever considering the possibility, Shauntelle’s face of horror as the tanning spray is blasted onto her body, would be enough to change our minds. We get a superfluous nipple shot during this sequence too.

Back to Alex, who is having her hair washed by the pink flamingo. She tells him that she’s getting married and he asks her if she isn’t too young for that and then asks if she’s ever cheated on her partner. Alex says no way José; she’d never do that and wouldn’t be getting married if she thought she would. The pink flamingo says she can tell him because he’s a gay man.

Alex: Yes, well lesbians are different from gay men, lesbians are monogamous.

Sarah: That’s absolutely true, all gay men cheat and all lesbians are trustworthy. All of them. Every one of them in the world. Lee: Yes a nice little gay stereotype to throw in unchallenged.

Back at the Candy Bar and Gary is still standing outside watching the handyman do handy things.

Gary: Michael shall I play around with that flag and see if I can get it to do what I want it to?

Lee: Oh Gary, is that a euphemism?

Sarah: Cheap joke, but we’ll keep it in.

Gary goes inside to get his rainbow flag.

Gary: I had to get a small one to keep within Westminster Council’s guidelines

Lee: Oh Gary, is that a eupha- Sarah: No, not twice. We’re not keeping that in babe. No.

Gary: The only problem is my pole is massive

Lee: Oh, for f–k sake! What am I supposed to do with that?

Gary unwraps his flag pole and takes it outside to be erected by Michael the handyman. This s–t is writing itself.

Gary has ordered butler outfits for all of the girls to wear at the party this evening. This is a confusing move because Sandra has worked quite hard to get across the fact that the Candy Bar caters for all different types of lesbians, and Gary’s marketing campaign was deliberately targeted more at the femme ladies, so why he’s now handing ALL of his staff a pair of brogues to wear, we cannot fathom. Now, we’re sure Lizu and Leelee are going to look exceptionally dapper in these suits, but we can’t imagine that the girly Alex and Shauntelle will feel terribly happy about matching their new spray tans and veeeery, veeery beeeg herr with a white shirt and tie.

Still in the salon chair, Alex quite rightly says her hair looks like a My Little Pony.

However, the Pink Flamingo has obviously never heard the saying “The customer is always right” and tells her to deal with it, before being so rude that Alex looks quite upset. But she’s a tough cookie and instead of crying, she gamely downs the remainder of her sparkling wine, while a slightly tangerine Shauntelle rubs her arm and unconvincingly, but sweetly says, “I like your hair. I really like your hair.”

Christina and Natalie are on their way to the Candy Bar with the canapés and Christina is worried because the salmon has started to go brown. Natalie tells Christina she enjoyed making the canapés but what she’s really saying is “I love you.” Christina tells Natalie that she can be her commis chef and that the commis does all the bitch work. She then says that she also likes to do the bitch work. What Christina is really saying is, “I feel the same way and I’m not selfish in bed.” Or something like that, we just have to make stuff up because the voiceover is doing nothing. And these two do look like a nice couple.

The girls get to the bar and Christina is angry because there is no fridge, which will be bad for the fresh food.

Lee: I hate to be a bore, but they should have checked this out.

Sarah: I blame Gary. He should have told them.

Luckily someone thinks quickly and they empty the champagne chiller and fill it with the food.

Gary is rolling out the red carpet and the VIP ropes, while inside manager Sam who is wearing a gold dress is giving a motivational pep talk to her staff. Alex, dressed as a butler with a My Little Pony up-do stares thunderously at her own hand.

The doors open and lovely Sandra is outside welcoming everyone to the party. We see Jessie D, Natalie’s sister and her girlfriend and then Shabby and Red arrive — which must be the first time we’ve actually seen them in the bar — excluding the séance sketch. Shoreditch Jo and girlfriend Alicia arrive and Jo says she loves the Candy Bar but she wishes it was located in East London because then it would have more soul. She does not say this, we made this up.

We’re told that the media are out in force tonight, but we’ll need to take the voiceover’s word for that because the only press evidence we have is Joel Kafetz presenting for Thee Joel Kafetz Show.

DJ Jo is interviewed by Joel Kafetz and tells how the Candy Bar has lovely memories for her. She came out here, she first started Djing here and tonight she will end her DJ career here.

The canapés go out and people promptly shove them in their faces, so Christina and Natalie’s hard work has all been worth it.

Downstairs, all is not well; Gary has a face like a slapped arse. He wants a new Britney or a new Gaga pumping out because he thinks that’s what everyone wants to shake their thing to. When they can only get some dance music to play, Gary almost vomits on his own suit as he complains that this music is shit and not what he ordered.

Gary begins to point the finger at Sandra, saying someone should have checked this system. But Sandra is better than this passive-aggressive bullshit and decides this is not her problem and instead just fetches DJ Jo who fixes it quick sticks.

Gary: Sandra, you’re a drama queen.

Amid the celebrity throng at the press launch, Madonna is eating cheese and pineapple on a stick. No actually, there’s a TV presenter called Kirsty Duffy, weather presenter Sian Welby and Lee Baldry, who thinks he may turn a few ladies.

Sandra: The comments that have come back have been awesome. People are coming out saying “This is amazing” and I’m just like, wow.

DJ Jo and hairdresser Natalie get face touchy and intimate on the dance floor.

Lee: I did not see this coming. What happened to her and Christina?

Natalie tells us that she’s just hanging out and that lesbians don’t just lick fanny all the time.

Sarah: Well thank you for clearing up that stereotype, Natalie.

Natalie and DJ Jo then kiss passionately. Gary pats himself on the back for bringing such a forum of fun to the lesbian scene and we thank the heavens that this is the end.

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