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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.05): Unzip me, baby, one more time

So remember how last week was all super serious what with the missing children and murderous pedophiles and barely enough time for a proper eye shag? Well, let’s put it this way, if you played the Rizzoli & Isles drinking game this week instead, you’re probably still drunk right now. The subtext gods smiled on us last night with bountiful glory. So before we begin, let us lay humble offerings of fudge clusters at their feet in thanks. They’re really yummy, just like this episode.

Also yummy? How close Dr. Maura Isles and Det. Jane Rizzoli are sitting on the couch. Seriously, it’s an enormous couch and they’re squished together like two sardines in a big gay can. Jane and Maura are watching the ballgame at Maura’s place while Mama Rizzoli makes food for them in the kitchen. See, America, gay couples are just like you. They like to watch baseball together while getting served on by their mom. If that’s not Leave it to Beaver enough for you I don’t know what is.

Of course Dr. Isles being Dr. Isles, she explains the zoological origins of male crotch grabbing to Jane while viewing America’s pastime. It’s something about chimpanzees and aggression, which is I think a nice way of saying some guys can act like gross primates. She then calls the Boston Pilgrims’ star player, Manny “Mega” Vega, a male specimen and says she’d love to “mega him.”

Jane gives her a “who is being the gross primate now”-face and tells her to cut it out. Mama Rizzoli comes in to continue the game of Tease the Lesbian and calls him a “hunk.” And Det. Rizzoli being Det. Rizzoli, she says what almost every gay lady says when confronted with such unwelcome objectification of the male form: “OK, officially throwing up in my mouth.”

Hey look, Joe Friday is also there. And you thought the writers had forgotten about Jane’s scruffy little mutt. But there she is, busy licking her foot and the carpet in equal measure. Jane yells at her to stop. But you don’t need to be Cesar Millan to know that pets pick up on their owners’ behaviors. So, um, that carpet licking behavior is on you, Jane Rizzoli. Ahem.

Before Jane and Maura can demonstrate proper technique for Joe Friday, in walks Tommy Rizzoli. Jane’s ex-con little brother is out of jail and in Maura’s living room. For those of you who like to play the Six Degrees of Lesbian Characters game, Tommy is played by Colin Egglesfield who plays Josh Madden on All My Children who is the half brother to Bianca Montgomery who is the first regular lesbian characters on daytime TV.

So Colin, he knows a thing or two about playing the brother of a gay sister. Perhaps he could give Jane some pointers.

Tommy tells Maura he tightened the flush valve in the guest house and she offers to pay him. But he says it’s the least he can do considering all she is doing for him. And trust me, that “all” did not go unnoticed by Jane. She whips around the counter and confronts her asking pointedly, “When is he leaving?”

So Maura is letting Mama Rizzoli and her brother both stay at her house? Really, this is taking being nice to your in-laws to the extreme. Jane thinks so too and grabs Maura for some two-handed Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching and says, “My little brother is a screw-up, Maura. A completely loveable, screw-up, felon.” Maura confesses that’s she’s only doing it for Jane’s mom. Come on, Maura. You already paid $500 for her crappy painting. You’ve done enough. Your girlfriend clearly doesn’t want her Felonzzoli of a brother anywhere near you or your flush valve.

Maura then gets a call from the office about a body in the Pilgrims locker room. She’s ready to release the body, but Jane wants to go down and take a look. So Jane slaps Maura’s ass, like all best friends do, and away they go. Yes, an ass slap. That’s not Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching, that’s just Gay Touching, period.

At the Pilgrims (really, the Pilgrims? Do they all wear funny hats and big buckles on their shoes?) locker room, Maura goes to check on the body and Jane chats with the team’s chief of security, a retired homicide detective she used to work with. He offers her first-baseline tickets to go watch the game, but Jane would rather stick around and wait for Maura. Not even plum seats can tear Jane from her lady’s side. Now that’s chivalry.

While she waits, Jane looks on bemused as the players go through their superstitious rituals which range from OCD Velcro tightening to pre-game puking. Gross primates, remember? One of the ballplayers saunters up to Jane all, “Call me, I wouldn’t mind being interrogated by you.” She replies with, “Heard that line, like 4 million times.” Which, of course, is code for “I’m gay, you idiot.”

In the player showers, Maura is troubled by the dead body. I am too, the dude is naked. The security chief keeps insisting it was a simple accident. But the wounds aren’t adding up to a slip-and-fall. Jane senses Maura’s unease and pushes her gently. Her voice gets soft and her register lowers as she asks, “What does your gut say?” Maura retreats to scientific mode and says, “I don’t listen to my intestines.” But she does listen to Jane, and rules it a suspicious death.

The interplay there is just perfect. I mean, I really love it when the Adorable Bickersons come out to play, but I also really love the scenes where you can sense these two women know each other, inside and out. They know how hard to push. They know when to relent. When to go with science, when to rely with instinct. They coax the best out of each other, sometimes just with a look. It’s genuine, and genuinely sexy.

The team owner is, predictably, unhappy about the death being ruled suspicious. He’s also a jerk. He keeps calling Rizzoli “officer” instead of “detective.” Do not disrespect the Ponytail of Righteous Justice or it will smite you a flick of its magnificent black mane. Mega was a drinker and the dead naked guy was his sober coach. And that slip-and-fall was staged and the crime scene cleaned up. Baseball been very, very bad to the poor naked dead guy.

Back at headquarters, Maura says the murder weapon is a “cylindrical, heavy, hard object.” Come on Rizzoli & Isles writers, recycling the death-by-dildo storyline already? But no, it’s a baseball bat. Though the smirk Jane gives Maura as she hands it to her tells me some serious transference might be happening.

Mega’s bat made the fatal blow, but Jane wonders how she’ll prove he took the swing. Maura says she’ll solve it by doing “that gumshoe thing.” And then she talks about how celebrities are rarely held accountable, like Fatty Arbuckle. That’s Dr. Isles, bringing you the latest pop culture references circa 1921. But our good doctor realizes her mistake in calling Jane a “gumshoe.” Because that term actually refers to galoshes, which Jane isn’t wearing. And then she giggles at herself. She’s so adorkable here I just want to pet her shiny, shiny hair and give her a cookie.

This being the race for the playoffs and this being a baseball town, Jane runs into roadblocks trying to investigate the star player’s involvement. So she rolls up on Mega in his Ferrari and gives him the patented Det. Jane Rizzoli stare down. He should crumble like a paper plane, but he’s too much of a douche to notice how out machoed he is by Jane. So since no one is talking, Jane resorts to giving Mr. Interrogate Me a call. Desperate times, people, desperate times.

Jane walks into Maura’s office wondering what “Le Beau Truc” (or “Truck,” as she pronounces it) is. Maura tells her it’s a brilliant five-star French restaurant. It’s the restaurant Mr. Interrogate Me picked to have their interro-date. Maura calls it “Le Booty Call.” She just relishes in teasing Jane, doesn’t she. But when Jane asks if her work suit is good enough to wear there, Maura is considerably less amused.

Now, everyone grab a fresh drink. Hell, grab the whole bottle. Your glass will be empty and your sobriety will be over after this sequence.

Maura has an idea. It’s kind of the best idea pretty much ever. She starts to disrobe and then spins around instructing Jane to “Unzip me.” Yes, Maura’s immediate response to Jane telling her she is going to a fancy restaurant with a guy is to have Jane undress her. Like I was saying, best idea ever.

Jane’s a little, “What? Here? In the office? The shades aren’t even drawn.” But Maura is very convincing when she has to be. They’re going to swap clothes. Jane protests that Maura’s dress won’t fit over her booty, but Maura has seen her booty and knows better. Jane’s joy at being in a dress is, clearly, boundless. p.s. This is the exact face I used to make as a kid every time my mom made me wear a dress for a special occasion.

Jane whines that she smells like decomp so Maura spritzes her with perfume —all over. She even gives Jane what looks like the special down-below booty call spritz. Though we all know that’s for her own benefit because Maura will be the one unzipping Jane later that night.

But Jane is still wearing her black socks/black boots combo and Maura will have none of that “fashion homicide.” She orders Jane to put on her heels. Can I just say how much I am loving bossy, undress-for-me Maura this season? She’ll even resort to doing it “the hard way” if necessary. Jane rightfully whines that the shoes are too small, so Maura does the unthinkable. She willingly takes a scalpel to her super-expensive, haute-couture heels and turns them into peep toes just for Jane.

Yep, because all straight friends willingly butcher heels that cost an entire paycheck just so their friends can wear them comfortably. The look on Jane’s face says she knows the sacrifice Maura just made for feet. And the look on Maura’s face says she loves seeing her handsome detective all glammed up. Hell, she even flat out says it: “You look sexy.”

Jane replies in kind, “You look like …you’re wearing my clothes.” Which, clearly, is also sexy. No, really, how sexy is Maura in Jane’s clothes? I feel like we’re present at the invention of the Butch/Femme Reese Peanut Butter Cup. You got your Rizzoli in my Isles! You got your Isles in my Rizzoli! Two great looks that look great together!

Their mutual admiration society is interrupted when Tommy calls with some crisis. Jane runs out and orders Maura to follow in an attempt to salvage her status as bossypants of the house. But Jane still has on her other boot, leaving Maura to run behind her waving just a sock. I feel like this is a scene that has played itself out before countless time, Maura running behind Jane after one or the other has grabbed the wrong piece of clothing off the floor in a hurry to get dressed.

So, just checking in — you guys still conscious? Time to start substituting water in the drinking game, or you’ll never make it to the end of this recap. Also, I hope you designated a driver.

Jane and Maura arrive at the vet’s office who happens to be Jerry from Parks and Recreation. Tommy is arguing about a $300 vet bill. In true Jerry fashion, he asks Jane if she works vice. Dammit, Jerry, that’s a Dr. Maura Isles dress — there’s nothing slutty about it. The vet thinks Joe Friday is chewing her paws because she’s depressed and needs doggie Prozac.

Maura agrees that she’s been “withdrawn, restless, reluctant to go outside and urinate.” Jane gives her the “You’re on my side, remember?”-stare. And Tommy blows a flush valve at the vet and has to be restrained by Jane. As they leave in a huff, Maura apologizes and says, “They really are very nice people.” Again, so cute I just want to stroke Maura’s hair and give her a cookie.

Now finally on her interro-date, Jane grills player Jesse about what’s happening with Mega and the team. But he just tries to hit on her instead. Her shutdown is so thorough I almost feel sorry for the doofus. Jane gets what intel she can and runs back to Maura’s house. Like I said, Maura will be the only one seeing Jane slip out of her dress tonight. In fact, she’s already disrobing as they walk through the front door together.

As Jane complains about Maura’s straitjacket of a dress, Maura informs Jane, “Your suit is a real booty call magnet. I got hit on twice…by women.” Jane can only manage a weak, “Really?” to that. It’s a mix of awe and jealousy. But I have to say I really think Dr. Isles is lying here. There’s no way only two women hit on her in that suit.

As they make their way to the living room, Maura stop and realizes her TV has been stolen. Jane runs for her mom, and together they all blame The Great Felonzzoli. Jane apologizes for having such a rat of a relative and Maura reassures her with some TGTGT that she still loves her even though her brother is a burglar.

Jane and Frankie go to confront Tommy at the bar, where he gets defensive and complains about being the screw up of the family. Well, dude, you did go to prison. The sibling pile-on is interrupted when they see a breaking newscast that the Pilgrims star player and Jane’s prime suspect Mega Vega has died in a car crash.

In the autopsy, Maura notices something strange about Mega’s heart. It’s enlarged, but the damage is recent. Jane can tell from the “case-solving hunch” look on Maura’s face that she has found something else. Maura says her face doesn’t “hunch.” But her face, and the big brain above it, does recognize crystallization in Mega’s kidneys. Jane asks her from what, but Maura says she’d only be guessing. Jane says under her breath, like we all do at the partner we love but whose idiosyncrasies drive us absolutely bonkers, “God, it’s torture sometimes.”

So she again becomes The Maura Whisperer and coaxes an answer out of her. She has seen symptoms like these before. Those symptoms were caused by antifreeze poisoning. So, Mega was being juiced, but only the kind that is a performance enhancer for his car.

Maura also finds another potentially case-solving clue on the dearly deceased sober coach. Jane is impatient and Maura scolds her for it. Jane counters that “Job was like a cranky toddler compared to me.” And if you believe that, Judas wants to become LLBFFs with you. The conversation then veers to baseball players superstitions, and Frost says Clemens used to run Tiger Balm on his balls. Maura is confused, asking “His balls? Don’t they inspect those before he’s allowed to pitch.” Maura is unfamiliar with the ball you speak of. Jane knows why.

The other clue was the time of death, which was six hours before the original estimate. The former detective turned baseball lackey changed the timestamps to protect Mega, who they thought killed his sober coach. But was it the jerky owner or his scorned ex-wife? I’m not really sure why I’m still following the plot at this point, because the subtext is so much juicier.

Frankie finds yet another case-solving clue in the dumpster, and it turns into a Rizzoli sibling hat trick because Tommy is cleared and not the thief after all. No lumps of coal in the stockings of the Rizzoli kids this year, Santa. Jane goes to check out what Frankie found and you’ve never seen anyone so happy to see a latex glove before. I could go for the easy lesbian safe-sex joke here, but I think we’re all above that, right? Who am I kidding? No glove, no love — amirite, ladies?

Back at the lab Jane is again being unJob-like and implores Maura to find prints inside the glove. She quips back, “This is not CSI: Boston, Jane.” Jane hovers anyway and Maura tells her, “I can’t concentrate.” Jane makes Maura too flustered to work just like Brittany makes Santana too flustered to remember her locker combination.

Jane doesn’t take the hint that her powerful sexual magnetism and insane bedroom voice are driving Maura to distraction. So Maura tells her to go apologize to Tommy and stares her down until she goes. Like, it’s a serious stare down. I’d call it eye sex, but it’s more like eye domination. I sure hope those two have a safe word.

While Jane is away making up with Tommy, Maura indeed goes all CSI: Boston on the gloves and finds a print. Our Mr. Interrogate Me was the killer all along. Though, his pick-up lines were criminal enough on their own to warrant prolonged incarceration.

Another case successfully solved, the Rizzolis are all back at Maura’s place. Korsak is there, too, helping to rehang the TV. He also helpfully diagnoses what Joe Friday’s licking is really all about. She wasn’t depressed (or taking cues from Jane and Maura’s extracurricular activities), but allergic to poultry. Now it’s Maura’s turn to get eye dominated. Jane even mimics Maura calling Joe Friday “withdrawn, restless and reluctant to go outside and urinate” for good measure. Oh, you two, just swap clothes again and make out, already.

Mama Rizzoli tells concurs and tells our bickering Boston Marrieds to “knock it off, you two.” But, naturally, they continue to spar as they sit down, side-by-side, for a big gay family dinner.

And now, on to your tweets. The #gayzzoli was truly strong with this one.

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