“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (2.05): Unzip me, baby, one more time


So remember how last week was all super serious what with the missing children and murderous pedophiles and barely enough time for a proper eye shag? Well, let’s put it this way, if you played the Rizzoli & Isles drinking game this week instead, you’re probably still drunk right now. The subtext gods smiled on us last night with bountiful glory. So before we begin, let us lay humble offerings of fudge clusters at their feet in thanks. They’re really yummy, just like this episode.

Also yummy? How close Dr. Maura Isles and Det. Jane Rizzoli are sitting on the couch. Seriously, it’s an enormous couch and they’re squished together like two sardines in a big gay can. Jane and Maura are watching the ballgame at Maura’s place while Mama Rizzoli makes food for them in the kitchen. See, America, gay couples are just like you. They like to watch baseball together while getting served on by their mom. If that’s not Leave it to Beaver enough for you I don’t know what is.

Of course Dr. Isles being Dr. Isles, she explains the zoological origins of male crotch grabbing to Jane while viewing America’s pastime. It’s something about chimpanzees and aggression, which is I think a nice way of saying some guys can act like gross primates. She then calls the Boston Pilgrims’ star player, Manny “Mega” Vega, a male specimen and says she’d love to “mega him.”

Jane gives her a “who is being the gross primate now”-face and tells her to cut it out. Mama Rizzoli comes in to continue the game of Tease the Lesbian and calls him a “hunk.” And Det. Rizzoli being Det. Rizzoli, she says what almost every gay lady says when confronted with such unwelcome objectification of the male form: “OK, officially throwing up in my mouth.”

Hey look, Joe Friday is also there. And you thought the writers had forgotten about Jane’s scruffy little mutt. But there she is, busy licking her foot and the carpet in equal measure. Jane yells at her to stop. But you don’t need to be Cesar Millan to know that pets pick up on their owners’ behaviors. So, um, that carpet licking behavior is on you, Jane Rizzoli. Ahem.

Before Jane and Maura can demonstrate proper technique for Joe Friday, in walks Tommy Rizzoli. Jane’s ex-con little brother is out of jail and in Maura’s living room. For those of you who like to play the Six Degrees of Lesbian Characters game, Tommy is played by Colin Egglesfield who plays Josh Madden on All My Children who is the half brother to Bianca Montgomery who is the first regular lesbian characters on daytime TV.

So Colin, he knows a thing or two about playing the brother of a gay sister. Perhaps he could give Jane some pointers.

Tommy tells Maura he tightened the flush valve in the guest house and she offers to pay him. But he says it’s the least he can do considering all she is doing for him. And trust me, that “all” did not go unnoticed by Jane. She whips around the counter and confronts her asking pointedly, “When is he leaving?”

So Maura is letting Mama Rizzoli and her brother both stay at her house? Really, this is taking being nice to your in-laws to the extreme. Jane thinks so too and grabs Maura for some two-handed Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching and says, “My little brother is a screw-up, Maura. A completely loveable, screw-up, felon.” Maura confesses that’s she’s only doing it for Jane’s mom. Come on, Maura. You already paid $500 for her crappy painting. You’ve done enough. Your girlfriend clearly doesn’t want her Felonzzoli of a brother anywhere near you or your flush valve.

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