“Pretty Little Liars” recap 2.08: Not my lesbian, you bitch!


Hey there, Pookie Bears. Please forgive me for the brevity of this week’s recap. One of my puppies is dealing with some medical issues that require twice-a-day vet visits and on-the-hour wrestling matches in which I am obligated to shove giant pills down her throat. I don’t have as much time as usual to muse and moon over our favorite Little Liars.

Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Jason’s hair Medusa-ed Aria while Jason’s eyes drilled a literal hole in her skull; Toby unearthed an old hockey stick that reduced Spencer to the kind of hysterical absolutism heretofore reserved for relentlessly accusing Toby and Ian, respectively, of murdering Allison; Hanna hated her dad for her mom, then forgave him for both of them; and “A” used one hand to get Emily tangled up in a college admission’s scam, and another hand to POISON HER TO DEATH.

The bookends of PLL are kind of my favorite. I love all four Liars together, kicking things off with their flashbacks and exposition and insane outfits and one-liners. Tonight they’re just kicking it in Spencer’s car, rehashing how she shot Garrett in the balls with his own gun in order to escape from his squad car, and waiting for Emily to help her home’s new tenants work the pesky alarm system.

Hanna’s like, “Probably we don’t even need alarms in this town anymore, now that the most dangerous criminal in Rosewood — known pottery thief, Mike Montgomery — is in the clink.” Aria’s like, “Really?”

When your mom f–ks the entire precinct to get you out of petty theft charges, and murders an elderly lady to steal her life savings, you get desensitized to these kinds of things.

Once Ems is back in the car, Garrett comes creepin’ up the street in his muscle car and parks outside JennaBot’s place. I guess they let you off duty when you get your nuts shot off? What follows are two of the most amazing minutes this show has ever given us. The Liars get speedy-quick-sneaky, ducking in unison to avoid being spotted. And then they tiptoe into JennaBot’s yard — actually, no. Hanna clomp! clomp! clomps! across the street like a circus in those $300 platform pumps she calls her “studying shoes.” Spencer is like, “Are you kidding me right now?” And Hanna literally says, “She can’t hear us, she’s blind!”

OK? And they’re just standing there in the Cavenaugh’s front yard in the dark in the middle of the night and the curtains fly open like magic, and then KABLAM! JennaBot is backlit like the Ghost of Blindness Yet to Come. You have never heard so much gasping in your life. You should watch this scene with headphones so you can get the full effect. Just when you think they’re all going to hyperventilate and die right there and Jason is going to come along with his shovel like that guy in Home Alone and bury them under the sidewalk, Garrett slithers up in there and starts making out with the brother-bonking Cylon!

Spencer’s face is incandescent.

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