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“Candy Bar Girls” recap: Episode 4

“Great LezBritian” is a fortnightly stroll through the very best of British lesbo-centric entertainment and culture. Plus there will be some jolly good interviews with the top ladies who are waving the flag for gay UK.

We have arrived in Candy Barville for the fourth time and, as ever, are tickled pink to be going on the journey. Gary, that one was for you, son.

Our minds, however, are sent into a tailspin as the first line of narrative delivered tells us that the launch of Candy Bar is just a few weeks away. Yet weren’t we there for it happening in episode one? Didn’t we witness Gary squashing anything that reminded him of his mother’s vagina by culling everything around him that was pink? Oh, damn you, Channel 5 for your lack of clarity.

Gary wants to make the Candy Bar more upmarket, he envisages a more classy wine-drinking establishment and so arranges for a wine connoisseur to come and introduce some new vino tipples to the Candy Bar staff. They have a gargle and devise a new wine list. We are skeptical that Gary can change the drinking habits of lesbians just by ordering in some new wines, but bar manager Sam uses tremendous powers of perception to explain why she supports Gary’s decision.

Sam: What I have noticed on the lesbian scene is that girls are becoming a lot more feminine. They want to become a little more sophisticated so I think we want to teach them about these kinds of wines.

Someone who isn’t amongst this supposed new wave of ladylike wine sipping lesbian is Alex.

Alex: I will never be a connoisseur. I will never be eating Brie cheese and going “this compliments my wine so well.” No.

Natalie and Jessie D are all settled in their new home together but Natalie has to find a job if she is going to continue her roomie status with Jessie D. But Hark the Herald, and lucky for her, Natalie has got an interview lined up tomorrow.

Natalie hopes that Jessie D can help her look like a winner tomorrow, so tries on three different possible interview outfits. Jessie D picks at a wall while Natalie gives them a donning. They all look the same but Jessie D “yaaayyys” an outfit she likes most.

They then sit down together and like lesbian roommates around the country, they set up an account on Gaydar in the hope that Natalie can meet a nice new lady friend. The pair giggle, discuss dental dams, drink wine and then share one bowl of pasta. These two young crazy Londoners are really getting on a like a house on fire.

Lee: This is like the real life version of Frankie and Tess setting up gaydar on Lip Service.

Sarah: This show would be a bit more fun if they’d just copied a whole lot of scenes from The L Word and Lip Service.

Lee: Maybe Shabby will shag Red next to a corpse in the next scene.

Sarah: I hope there’s a Candy Bar Girls basketball scene.

Lee: I just miss Dana.

Jessie D changes her Gaydar profile to single because she insists that she is single, despite little Lizu who is most likely back at The Candy Bar ranch thinking about Jessie D in nipple tassels.

The next day, Natalie gets ready for her job interview and admits to having the jitters about it because she thinks she’s rubbish at them. Jessie D sits like a beacon of lesbianism in her “Legalise Gay” t-shirt on the couch and reinforces the importance of Natalie getting a job so the rent can be paid. Oh God, this storyline has now become so very tense.

Sarah: How does Danni pay the rent? Does she have a job?

Lee: She’s a pole dancer at the Candy Bar, although she never seems to be pole dancing.

At her interview with Stylist Alan in a salon in Soho, Natalie is pretty much put straight to work cutting someone’s hair. She gets off to a rocky start when she can’t work out the difference between shampoo and conditioner and fails to successfully put a robe on her client. Alan watches Natalie’s ways from a distance and rubs his facial hair in judgment. He then shimmies over to question Natalie about her cut, and tells her she’ll be contacted in a few days. At this stage of the game, Alan doesn’t seem to have a clue either.

Alan: … she stands out from the crowd, you know. Let’s hope it’s good news for her.

Shabby is taking girlfriend Red to meet her mum in her hometown of Milton Keynes. As she steps out of the train station, her ambiguous feelings towards her hometown are confusing.

Shabby: Dude, this is what it looks like. I f–king hate it.

Shabby makes it known she’s not like her family. Shabby is a non-conformist, hat-wearing seeker of philosophical ideals and her mum was a hairdresser and her stepdad was a plumber.

Whilst Shabby’s mum makes canapés and talks about her daughter’s loyalties as a friend, Shabby drinks beer straight from the can and shows Red her childhood photos.

Lee: Gary would hate the way she’s drinking that beer

Shabby’s mum admits to hearing about her daughter’s climb into the Sapphic pond from chatter amongst the village folk. Rebellious Shabby sits on her chair back to front and eats her mum’s canapés. Red may have had too much beer.

Red: I really, really, really love her mum. Like, we’ve got a lot in common.

Back at The Candy Bar, Sam is very angry about finding the bar in absolute disarray.

Sam: I’ve noticed the alarm wasn’t on from last night, the jukebox was left on and the main TV was left on and that’s just the main level. I haven’t even been downstairs yet.

Sarah: Well, God only knows what she might find on the other levels.

Lee: At this rate there could well be – yes, those downstairs lights were left on also.

Thankfully Sam has called a meeting with her two bar supervisors, Alex and Lee Lee, to sort out the madness at Candy Bar. Alex arrives with about as much enthusiasm as she would on being told she had to eat some Brie and a complementary glass of wine, but Lee Lee is nowhere to be seen as she has forgotten that that the meeting was even taking place. Sam has a face of much concern.

She decides to throw down the gauntlet and have a meeting with just Alex. It would be an understatement to say that Alex couldn’t give a toss when Sam brings up the fact that the lights were left on and that customer complaints have been made about the service at the bar.

Lee: I’ve just read that sentence back and I can’t believe it’s actually a storyline on a TV show.

Sarah: Lights being left on is actually a really relevant issue in society, Lee.

Lizu shows up and joins the meeting. In jest, she calls Sam a bitch and then slaps her on the derriere.

Sarah: I suspect this meeting didn’t go entirely to plan for Sam.

Sandra is out shopping for baby paraphernalia with girlfriend Catherine, who is due to give birth to a boy in two weeks. Channel 5 subtly weaves in the question of how Sandra will juggle parenthood and her night owl hours at the Candy Bar. But Sandra is a superstar and knows that everything is going to work out just dandy. She is very sweet on Catherine and wants to do everything right by her pregnant girlfriend, even if that means putting on a cape and larking about in the middle of a department store for no good rhyme or reason.

Lee: Hmm, this is John Lewis. Sandra, you’re not in the Candy Bar now.

Sarah: Let Sandra be.

Lovebirds Rach and Rox are being separated for three weeks because Rach is off on a pre-arranged holiday. But they have agreed that after this solo stint they’ll never be away from each other again. Rachael giggles at everything Rox does and smiles with every single word she says, which some may find adorable and some may find a little grating.

Lee: How are this pair even connected to the Candy Bar?

Sandra and Catherine go out for lunch. Sandra encourages her to drink pineapple juice to speed up Sandra Junior’s arrival because Catherine is pretty determined that she doesn’t want this pregnancy going on too long. They further the cause by ordering some chilli. We suspect the waiting staff will be feeling slightly wobbly at Catherine’s efforts to give birth quicksticks.

Outside, out of Catherine’s earshot Sandra admits to s–tting herself about the pregnancy. Across London, Natalie is heading to find out if she’s got the job she went for, and she also admits to s–tting herself.

Sarah: Christ, people are s–tting themselves all over the shop.

But Natalie needn’t have shat herself, because she got the job and thus won’t be homeless after all. She goes to the pub to rejoice.

Sam is organizing a cocktail night at The Candy Bar; she advertises this happening with a graphic straight out of any standard ClipArt library.

Lee: This place has gone downhill since Sandra took baby leave.

Sarah: Plus it’s pink. What’s wrong with them?

Sam has organised for the staff to be trained in the art of cocktail making. She is determined to get these workers into a ship shape condition whatever the cost, and that cost could well be broken bottles and disgusting concoctions.

Shauntelle makes a hefty shot made up of three different alcohol shots and calls it “liquid cocaine.” This, we feel, isn’t a giant step towards making The Candy Bar into the more civilized drinking hole Gary was hoping for.

Shabby is at a Trade Show for alternative designers with best friend and fellow hat-wearer Cheryl and squeeze Red. She has hired a space to display her company – The Apocalypse Club’s handmade T-Shirts but doesn’t really know how to display her wares in the space. She heads outside and like the dastardly rebel she is, smokes right next to a No Smoking sign.

No one comes to The Apocalypse Club and so Shabby starts drinking shots with Red and displays some madcap behavior like giving Red a piggyback. She admits she may have expected a little too much from her first Trade Show outing.

The cocktail night kicks off and the Candy Bar girls are set the task of selling as many of their cocktails in two hours as possible. The winner wins a prize from Sam. The girls are oozing competitiveness and we wish we were even slightly excited by the competition.

Lizu thinks she’s got it in the bag.

Lizu: He [cocktail teacher] said like my cocktail is a like more like feminine and sweet and tastes a bit like Pina Colada. The girls love that, so we’ll see tonight.

Lee: Do the girls love that? I’ve never seen hoards of lesbian ordering pina coladas.

Shoreditch Jo and her girlfriend are suddenly present in The Candy Bar, perhaps just to animate the fact that knocking back liquid cocaine makes you drunk and love everything. Indeed Shauntelle’s cocktail-shot wins the competition. Alex and Lee Lee think that she was a cheater because it wasn’t a true cocktail. We couldn’t give a f–k.

It looks like the pineapple juice has worked wonders because Sandra and Catherine suddenly bring their new little son to meet The Candy Bar staff, who are smitten by him. Gary can hardly contain his excitement because of the gift he has bought them both. He’s a riot, our Gary.

“Great LezBritain” authors Sarah, a Londoner, and Lee, a Glaswegian, met in a gay discotheque one bleak mid winter, eight years ago and have been shacked up together ever since. When not watching Tipping The Velvet, they find time to write, run a PR company, DJ at their own club nights and love a bit of jam on toast. Follow them on Twitter at greatlezbritain.

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