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“The Real L Word” recap: Episode 204

Previously: Corcy finally chose to make a baby the old fashion way — by using PayPal. Sajdah put the pedal to the metal on her 2-week “relationship,” despite being too young to drive. Whitney had a fight with Sara but came back after looking under her soul and finding only dust bunnies. A sober Romi cut Kelsey in half during a freak scissoring accident. And Claire didn’t do anything terribly interesting, but her mane did land a role in the touring company of The Lion King.

This week, Whitney emerges from the revolving door on her bedroom to find Rachel sitting at her computer, eating a raw pepper. Whitney tries a piece because she hasn’t eaten anything but Sara in days. Maternal Rachel worries she’s becoming nothing more than a bunch of dreads on a stick. You mean like this?

Alyssa is out pitching a PSA to the Beverly Hills Red Cross about using endive to collect fresh water, so Rachel uses the opportunity to tell Whitney that she’d like to turn in her Whitney Fan Club decoder ring because of Sara. “I used to look up to you,” Rachel says sadly.

Now defensive and pissy, Whitney says she’s figuring out real emotions, so shut your pepper hole. Rachel tells her straight up, “You are making excuses because you can’t see… She has brainwashed you… every time anybody says anything, you have an excuse for her. There is no excuse.”

If it’s good for her, Whitney doesn’t like it.

In other news, Romi is enjoying being sober and healthy. Instead of sweating out last night’s vodka by running Runyon Canyon with celebrities and Hollywood douchetards, she’s in the decidedly non-trendy section of LA called Echo Park, jogging around the fountain and avoiding her straight counterparts: hipsters.

Romi has an epiphany: There’s more to life than working a craptastic job, only to spend it all on tattoos and vodka shots. Romi says, “There’s something that happens when you get on point.”

What is this “on point” s–t? Kelsey is expected to be “on point” when she’s making change at the 99 Cent Store. Whitney’s dreads smell “on point” in case random fans try to huff her head. I guess it’s what the kids are saying. You know what else is on point? Keeping your clothes on.

Elsewhere, Francine has kicked Claire out of her house for being a boring houseguest. Claire has never lived alone, so she hasn’t yet experienced the joys of walking around naked, eating over the sink, and ignoring the floss that’s hitched a ride on the bottom of your sock and now lives in the hallway.

Claire blames Francine: “She should have told me before I moved out here that it was going to be miserable.” Asians are smart, but we’re not that smart. Besides, just because everyone seems to dress like a gypsy on the show, it doesn’t mean they can predict the future.

Claire finds her own place, a cute studio with exposed brick, and says she’s looking forward to being on her own.

And here’s where I’ll put my business cards.

That night, Cori and Kacy go out to dinner with Whitney and Sara, who they’re meeting for the first time, through mutual friends. They’re at Street, the excellent restaurant owned by celesbian chef, Susan Feniger, and sitting at the very table where I had my birthday dinner last year. (In lieu of caring about this year’s extremely compelling storylines, I’m amusing myself by identifying shooting locations.)

As they taste the kaya toast and Brazilian acaraje, Whitney gushes, “It’s like flavor bursting in my mouth.” Oh, if she had a dollar for every time she said that.

Whitney is fascinated by the “unicorn couple” that is Cori and Kacy and listens with amazement as they regale the story of how they met at here!, the emphatically punctuated bar on the same street as the Abbey and Haute. I, too, am amazed they met here! because it’s so incredibly loud, it should be renamed “what?”

Cori says she was charmed by Kacy’s come-on, which is brilliant in its efficiency, as both an invitation and a demonstration.

PS. Let’s give it up for Kacy and her mind-boggling combination faux hawk, hoodie, no make-up, plaid shirt, white undershirt and wrist cuff. Kacy’s a walking stereotype, but she totally owns that s–t. Later, she’ll produce a Rainbow Visa from her fanny pack and drive home in a Subaru.

As the table bestows Corcy’s 2-year marriage with an admiration usually reserved for kidney donors, Whitney glances at Sara, wondering if pleasant domestic torpor is possible with someone who wears a nose ring and two pounds of eyeliner. Um, no.

Whitney and Sara are a very different animal. Cory can’t even figure out if they’re actually together. Whitney says they both have intense feelings, but are used to having their own s–t. Translation: One spends her time bed-hopping for fun, the other spends her time dry humping for profit. Unicorns, meet the jackasses.

Later, Sara and Whitney are cuddling under a picnic tablecloth, wondering if they’ll ever be “normal.” God, I hope not. Normal leads to matching outfits, coupon clipping, and finally, an early death brought on by sheer boredom.

In an undisclosed location, Sajdah is hosting a birthday party for Chanel at a fancy, for-hire house, managed by her friend, Natasha. Sajdah and Chanel share the same burfday, but since Sajdah is trying so, so hard to be the dude with mad stacks, she’s made it all about Chanel and invited her family and friends, to meet them, impress them, and hopefully, get laid for her thoughtfulness.

That’s right kids. For all her racing toward the U-Haul counter, Sajdah has not slept with Chanel yet. This is a close as she gets.

Sajdah is about ready to bust a nut, so she picks Chanel up and carries her into an empty bedroom. But instead of hiking up her tight dress and introducing Chanel to Prop Ate, Sajdah presents her with a journal to write down her innermost feelings and thoughts.

Sajdah: I was, like, trying to think of the perfect gift to get her, so I bought, like, a journal where I promised to write in, as well. It’s somewhat of a tool, where I could learn to express myself to her a little better.

Guess who else is somewhat of a tool?

Chanel sips chardonnay and impassively admires the quality of the paper. Sajdah begins the journal’s first entry, and before she realizes it, she’s writing that she loves Chanel, as hot tears roll down her face. You know how sometimes you buy her a gift, but it’s really for you?

Chanel wipes Sajdah’s tears away and says she loves her, too, although I’m pretty sure she means it in a completely differnt way. After allowing Sajdah nine seconds of full-body contact, Chanel gets up, straightens her dress, and says she has to get back to the party and her guests.

Sajdah adjusts her pants, groans and crawls after Chanel. Happy birthday, kiddo. She got you blue balls. And they’re just your size.

Romi and Kelsey are home, telling each other about their day. Kelsey says she’s been pounding the pavement, looking for work. No, really. She was literally walking up and down West Hollywood, asking for a job.

While my girlfriend assures me some people still do that, I picture Kelsey (black and white, Depression Era) taking a “Help Wanted” sign out of a storefront window and entering a dress shop.

Even though Kelsey is one paycheck from wearing a barrel and holding a tin cup, Romi is heartened by her trying.

Romi: When you find somebody who’s genuinely, like, such a good human being, and has such a good soul, you work on that. Trying to fix someone’s soul and someone’s spirit is not something I’m interested in doing. But trying to fix someone’s routine and agenda? I can do that.

Kelsey vows to get rich or die trying, which pretty much insures her tombstone is going to read, “Here Lies Kelsey. She Tried.”

As beautiful as that love is, things are getting ugly over at Chanel’s birthday party. Natasha’s crew has rolled in, crashing the event. Sajdah decides the party she paid for is over and asks Natasha if there’s anything she needs to do before they go. Natasha tells Sajdah to “clean up” like she’s the help. Oh snap.

Sajdah takes the high road and smiles as she tidies up a little. She loudly asks Chanel for her keys and leans in and whispers, “Get the keys. Let’s get outta here,” sensing things are about to get weird. Too late. Out of the blue, Natasha is in Sajdah’s face, chest bumping her and backing her into a corner.

Natasha: Get your ass out. I’ve been so patient with you, Saj. I’ve been so patient. Just leave, just leave. I’m not even joking, get your s–t and go right now!

What’s happening? And then there’s this girl, pretending to be interested in something other than the camera.

Afro bomb!

Sajdah tells Chanel to get her friends and leave with her, but turns out, Chanel doesn’t like to be ordered around. She rolls her eyes and begrudgingly follows her towards the car.

Flustered, fed-up and fuming, Sajdah jumps behind the wheel, muttering for Chanel to get her weave in the goddamn car. Just then, Natasha exits the house and stands at the top of the stairs, yelling, “Happy birthday, Saj!” with as much venom as she can muster.

In the chaos, Sajdah backs out and sideswipes a parked car in front of everyone. So much for a speedy, cool get-away, killer. Maybe you can expense that to Showtime?

That’s what happens when you don’t have sex. You get all tense and do stupid things with disastrous results. This explains Sajdah’s night, Lindsay Lohan and the Taliban.

Hey everyone. It’s Scarlett. Yay!

For no reason whatsoever, Whitney has come to watch Scarlett paint her apartment and talk about Sara. Scarlett, whom you remember from last season, is another one of Whitney’s level-headed, patient friends. She listens with her signature bemused smirk, and tells Whitney she wishes she could put a leash on her. Like no one’s ever said that to her before.

Scarlett also reminds Whitney she can tell when Sara is lying: Her mouth is moving. Don’t ever go away again, Scarlett.

Are you wondering what Claire is doing? Why? Just kidding. Claire wants more than failed relationships out of life. If she can’t get it together with women, she’s going to have an awesome career, damn it. To accomplish this, Claire takes a meeting with Power Up, a “lesbian filmmaking group.”

Power Up’s founder Stacy Codikow, director Jamie Babbit, and a dog are forced to listen to our young Grasshopper, Claire, as she pitches her website idea. It’s about lesbians, it’s about fashion, it’s about health. The dog promptly walks away.

Claire admits she has no publishing background, is not a great writer, and doesn’t have any contacts. Natch, launching a website would be the first step in building her media empire. Cuz it’s so easy.

Claire’s proudly announces she’s wasted good money on the domain name “Dirty Boudoir.” Crickets. What is the world coming to when straight men are building better lesbo websites than actual lesbos?

Without any knowledge of search engine optimization, organic algorithmic results, keyword stuffing, page ranking or backlinks, filmmaker Jamie Babbit insightfully suggests the most obvious thing: The url should tip off readers that it’s a gay site. “Lavender Boudoir,” for example. But I do love Claire’s decision to use the word “boudoir.” Tres classy, tres French! So what it’s a url people can easily misspell? Being easy to find isn’t as important as being awesome.

Claire adds she wants to do interviews, but then give that stuff to a real writer, who will fix it for her. Wow, she’s really reinventing the wheel now. Cuz, that’s not how it’s done. If it were, someone else would be transcribing this mess for me.

Stacy gently tells Claire just because it’s new to you, doesn’t mean it’s actually new. But Claire is sure that this time, it’s going to work. Because what she lacks in web savvy, writing skills, and publishing experience, she makes up for with the talking.

Stacy offers Claire an internship, but Claire clearly feels it’s beneath her. Don’t you know who she is, Stacy? Claire is going to blow your effing mind. With fashion. And health. Stacy immediately tells Claire, “Great to meet you,” pushes her out the door, and pulls up her draw bridge.

If anyone has a shot at starting their own business, it’s Romi and her new jewelry line. She claims she started the feather earring trend that’s sweeping the nation, which makes sense, since she’s slowly turns into a cockatoo.

Meanwhile, Rachel has friends in town and she’s heading out, with Whitney along for the ride, to give them haircuts in their hotel room. Up in the room, things go off the rails pretty quickly. While slowly butchering her friend’s hair, Rachel cuts her finger, but doesn’t seem to care. Or know. Whitney comes back from having a cigarette and instantly realizes what’s wrong.

If you didn’t bring enough Klonopin for the whole class, then you shouldn’t have any either.

Whitney bitch slaps Rachel a few times to wake her up, but it only makes Rachel more forlorn and droopy. Whitney hates when girls get sad, and tries to cure them with band-aid kisses, which only makes it worse. When will she ever learn?

Rachel: Would you just, like, hold me for a second? Pretend we’re, like, four years ago.

Whitney: [nervous laughter]

Rachel: I loved you. I would do anything for you.

Whitney: Not right now.

Rachel: You don’t care.

Rachel passes out cold, leaving her friend with half a faux hawk.

Sajdah plays on the women’s pro football team, the LA Amazons. While she’s hitting the blocks, Sajdah wonders if she’s ruining her thing with Chanel, as if they really have a thing. Speaking of women’s football, here’s my friend who plays for the LA Temptation. Somehow, I don’t think you guys play each other.

The next day, Rachel on suicide watch and Claire is at LAX, picking up the replacement Asian she ordered. Francine has better things to do, so Claire has brought in her friend, Barbara.

Not wasting a single moment, Claire takes Barbara straight to a bar and immediately starts pontificating about the genius that is her mind.

Claire’s newest totally amazeballs idea is to do a photo shoot with her fellow cast members. She wants everyone to wear white shirts. Originality? What’s that?

This Just In: Family of four shares one enormous penis.

Barbara mentions that to get everyone on board, Claire will probably have to get to know the other girls. Eww. Claire is finally rendered speechless. Good job, Barb.Your check is in the mail.

While Barbara looks around for sharp objects to stick in her ears, Cori and Kacy are at MI-6, a club with low ceilings, black walls, and a fun house entrance. The girls are blowing it out before they get preggo and can never have fun, ever again.

Cori introduces us to her alters, Cookie and Coco. Coco really, really loves Kacy. And Cookie is a diva who expects shots on demand, and wants everyone to listen to her. No, really! Listen! Yeah, you know her.

Three things the United States of Cori can all agree on are A) drinks are delicious, B) dancing is fun, and C) if you switch places with this guy, you would save $2000.

As with most drunky nights, everything’s fine right up until the moment it’s not. Suddenly, Cori stops doing it doggie style to the barback and makes a beeline for the bathroom, where she hurls up a liter of Jägermeister.

Kacy tells her wife that it’s time to go home.

Cookie: I didn’t even get to dance!

Kacy: You bent everybody over.

Coco: I did? As long as I bent a few people over!

Kacy: You did. [laughs]

As they pull away, Cori hangs out of the SUV window and yells, “I love you all!” to who knows. She makes me laugh. I love a happy drunk.

Sajdah has called a processing meeting with Chanel to discuss their birthday fight. She apologizes for giving Chanel the bum’s rush at the end of the night. Chanel acknowledges they put too much pressure on themselves to know each other in short two weeks. Sajdah babbles that she’s comfortable with their comfortable uncomfortability and now all they need to do is “make up.” Chanel gives her a non-committal “maybe” because she’s in a showmance and that is not in her contract.

I’m just gonna say it. This relationship is queerer than a two-dollar bill, and I don’t mean in the good way.

Rachel returns to the land of the living, cracks open a 40, and asks Whitney if she can borrow her car. When Whitney says, no, Rachel acts sad. Whitney backpedals, apologizes for “offending” her and says it’s fine to borrow her car. Resolve is just a carpet cleaner to Whitney.

Here’s how Rachel remembers her mini-OD last night.

Rachel: I don’t remember kissing Whitney last night, but we just had fun. Like, to me, it’s all about fun. I still give great haircuts and seeing Lauren and Bianca last night was awesome.

What’s it like where you live, Liza?

Rachel goes to the bathroom. She claims to be peeing, but her peeing sounds a lot like crying. Whitney says she’s worried about Rachel, but Rachel says Whitney can’t speak about downward spirals, because she’s the one seeing a lying manipulator.

As Whitney leaves to pick the lying manipulator up from work, Rachel turns on the TV, says to the empty room, “If Sara wanted the car, it woulda been totally cool,” and pops something in her mouth.

Up next on Intervention: A young woman’s lesbian-induced panic attacks leads to a dangerous Klonopin addiction and many unfinished haircuts.

As Whitney drives to Sara’s work, she chats amiably with the camera crew about trusting Sara until she suddenly sees Erica standing on the corner, just steps from Sara’s salon. Sonofa!

Whitney laughs — seriously, this is what she lives for — and ponders her next move. She tells the camera op, “Ya know, I had a funny feeling that was going to happen and it sure did. Wow.”

As soon as Sara gets in the car, Whitney starts playing with her.

Whitney: How’s your boo, baby?

Sara: What?

Whitney: How’s Erica?

Sara: Why do you say that?

Whitney: Because I just saw her walk out of…

Sara: You did?

Whitney: Yes.

Whitney admits, “I finally get it. Sara is just lying to my face. It’s like, now you’re bordering into insulting my intelligence… I’m done, I’m over it. That is a wrap on Sara.”

Hey ladies, guess who’s single.

Next week: Cori is told to quit smoking, Kelsey won’t quit drinking. Whitney’s on the prowl but Sajdah still has no game. And Claire takes a nasty swipe at one of Rose Garcia’s old pals. Oh yeah, it is on!

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