“Hand aufs Herz” recap: Girlfriend of the Year


Previously on Hand aufs Herz, Emma grew weary of the way her constant tripping over her puppy feet was causing a perpetual argument with the love of her life, so she aimed herself at Jenny and hoped that when she inevitably tripped again, she would fall on top of Jenny, and all their problems would be solved. And you know what? It worked. Later, Jenny found herself on top of Emma, but Emma was exhausted from all the energy it took to blossom into a lesbian, so they just cuddled.

I just typed and deleted “the next day” because, frankly, you guys, I have no idea how the space-time continuum works on this show. Jenny is the only person who changes clothes, and it’s not a reach to assume that she is literally wearing everything she owns at all times. Like, the giraffe jeggings felt right for Geometry, but she’s just going to peel those off to reveal her lavender sparkle jeggings for History. I mean, for all we know, Jenny and Emma’s relationship has taken place over the course of a single afternoon.

Anyway, at some undetermined point in the future, Bodo caught them kissing and now Jenny is sitting in on a STAG rehearsal. Jenny, here have a Girlfriend of the Year trophy (GFotYT). Spoiler alert: You’re gonna need a bigger bag. STAG are readying for a trip to a radio station to sing live on the air to the whole entire world. Their last rehearsal is awesome, and so Emma Emmas about, “Christ, that means we’re going to sound like wailing banshees on the radio! Other probable outcomes: a collective pox infestation, earthquakes, a plague of locusts, drought, famine, bus crash.” Jenny is all smiles and adoration: “I didn’t know you were so superstitious!” And Luzi is all grimaces and eye-rolling: “You have no idea.”

Jenny texts Emma while she’s waiting for the STAG bus, talking about how she can’t wait to hear her voice on the radio. Luzi wanders over all, “How’s Jenny?” And Emma’s all, “How did you know I just got a text from Jenny?” And Luzi’s all, “There’s, like, blue hypergiant star heat coming off you in waves.” On the bus, Jenny texts again about how she misses her already, and Emma’s face is Christmas tree twinkle lights.

OK, now, I know most of you are probably only watching HaH for the Jemma scenes, but SAT1 has the last five full episodes available on their website, and probably you should be watching those too, because otherwise you’re gonna miss stuff like this:

Yeah, that’s right: On the bus ride on the way to the radio station, there is a car crash that results in a whole lot of bleeding and screaming and crying, and one very amazing cheesetastical explosion. I love a soap opera with a body count, I really do. Feelings are fine, but toss a stick of dynamite into it every now and then, you know? Luzi scrambles around saving the day while Emma stands in silent shock and watches everyone burn alive.

Jenny, meanwhile, is sitting at home listening to a STAG recording on the radio (Here, have another GFotY Trophy), thinking they’re singing live, and shouting when anyone has the audacity to come in the room and make some noise. And her face. When God was raining down amazing facial expressions, Lucy Scherer was not holding an umbrella.

Jenny calls Emma, but Luzi answers and explains about the amazing collision. Emma can’t talk because she’s standing on the sidelines freaking out like a Hufflepuff. So, Jenny whips off her space ballet costume to reveal a superhero costume (And another GFotYT) and jets to the hospital to rescue her girlfriend (And another GFotYT). Emma is sitting alone in a hallway, still in shock. Jenny rushes to her side and practically carries her out of there and back to her house, where she sits her down on the couch and strokes her hair and just cuddles up beside her when she wants to turn on the TV and not talk. (GFotYT!)

Jenny cuddles Emma through the night, makes her some chocolate croissants the next morning, and even offers to make her an appointment with a therapist. (GFotY!) Emma still can’t deal with the crash, so she wanders around in a daze and ends up at a club, and Jenny finally comes to take her little lost puppy home again. Jenny says she was worried that Emma wasn’t taking her calls. Emma says she doesn’t want Jenny to worry. Jenny says, “You’re my girlfriend; that’s my job.”

You know what, Jenny? Here, just take all the Girlfriend of the Year Trophies IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD. And the BEST FACE trophies too. Congratulations, you win life. 

Next time: Death, healing, record contracts, general shenanigans. And then: Coming Out!

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