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What if slash shippers ruled the world?

One of my favorite Comics Alliance features is “Great Comics That Never Happened” and this month, Jess Fink really brought it with a his imaginary comic book, Slashpoint. Why, I’ve been shipping Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy since I was a child. (And Batwoman/Renee Montoya is actually canon!)

The cover made me think about what would happen if DC was ruled by slash shippers, and that made me think about what would happen if air waves were ruled by slash shippers. So, I made a list of Top 10 Couples That Would Actually Be Couples If Slash Shippers Ruled The World. You know, if dreams really did come true.

If all the slash ships in all the world lined up in a harbor for a race, the SS Faberry would never even make it to the finish line – because it would sink under the weight of everyone on board. And by “everyone on board” I mean “every lesbian in the world.” I Feel Pretty/Unpretty? I think you mean, “I Feel Like Making Out/Immediately.”

Not lesbian partners? Just partner partners? I am so sure. The last time I saw two straight women with this much chemistry was – actually, I’ve never seen two straight women with this much chemistry. Because women with this much chemistry are called lesbians.

We’ve also heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason. And in the case of Glinda and Elphaba, that reason is Mrs. and Mrs. Witches of Oz [For Good]. (Bonus lezzer tip: If you think these two are in Big Gay Love in the musical, you should check out Gregory Maguire‘s books.)

Meredith and Cristina are the most believable/stable couple in the history of Seattle Grace. They don’t cheat on each other, they always support each other, they process their feelings like champs. McGaymos, I’m telling you.

 

If the internet had been around in the ’80s, Rachel and Quinn would have had some competition for most mooned-over subtext. Every lesbian I know over the age of 30 shipped Blair and Jo before shipping was even a thing. In fact, most of them wrote Blair/Jo fanfic in their Trapper Keepers.

Yes, it’s true – you can’t not ship Spencer with whomever she’s standing beside. But she and Aria are the real deal. For real. Maybe it’s their shared love of Scooby Snacks or how they spend half their lives sleuthing in the Mystery Machine or maybe it’s just the way they look at each other. It’s the way spies look at each other – when they’re in love.

What do you call it when you stab a girl instead of kissing her? Unresolved sexual tension. Which is always more dangerous when both women carry stakes in their back pockets. 

Anne Shirley: “A bosom friend – an intimate friend, you know – a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my inmost soul. I’ve dreamed of meeting her all my life. I never really supposed I would, but so many of my loveliest dreams have come true all at once that perhaps this one will too. Do you think it’s possible?”

Marilla: “Diana Barry lives at Orchard Slope and she’s about your age.”

If I had a quarter for every time I’ve shouted at Blair and Serena to just kiss already, I would be rich enough to takeover Chuck Bass’ empire. And, I mean, it’s totally canon. They absolutely made out in the Gossip Girl books.

The Golden Girls was ahead of its time in a bazillon ways, and in retrospect, there’s so much lesbian subtext flying around – especially between Rose and Blanche – that it’s ridiculous I missed it the first time. I was only a child, but still. There’s nothing these two couldn’t solve with a cuddle and a cheesecake.

If slash shippers ruled the world, what would be your dream come true?

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