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“Coronation Street” recap: The Lost Sheep

Here is a story of an actual thing that happened to me yesterday: I went to the grocery store dressed like a sleuth, because I’ve had the flu for two weeks and I look like – what did Katie Fitch call it? Oh, right – microwaved s–t, and I really didn’t fancy seeing anyone I know. So I was clunking up and down the ice cream aisle searching for my favorite popsicles and this woman was staring and staring and staring at me and finally she goes, “Heather Hogan?” And I ignored her because, like I said, I was dressed in disguise. But then she put her hands on my shoulders and turned me around and introduced herself as someone I went to church with like a hundred years ago. Then right out loud she says, “We were talking about you in Sunday School this morning. Are you still struggling with homosexuality?”

And, I mean, maybe it was all the flu drugs, but I thought what she was asking was, “Are you still trying to be the best lesbian you can be?” Which is a totally valid question because I’m not a very good gay sometimes. I don’t like TV shows I’m supposed to like and I don’t eat bulgur wheat or whatever organic thing and the word “womyn” confuses me to no end. But then I realized she was saying, “Are you still afflicted with the demon of gayness?”

I laughed at her, which wasn’t really very nice, but the only demon I was afflicted with was Influenza A, and I didn’t have the energy to: a) Find her time machine and send her back to the Dark Ages, or b) Pull out my Bible and explain in intricate detail how misguided she is.

And that’s how come I am so attached to Coronation Street. It does that exact thing for me, every single week. It’s like an honest-to-Merlin, welcome-to-2011 missile, aimed at every dumb homophobic thing. I live in a small town in the Bible Belt of America, and I just know a long-standing primetime soap like Corrie would set things on fire around here, in the very best way. Also, of course, I’ve fallen in love with Sophie and Sian, and I can do a Mancunian accent in my sleep these days, so there’s no turning back now.

When last we left our Weatherfield lezzers, Sian was on her way to meet up with her mum and her mum’s boyfriend for a holiday to the Caribbean or something. Apparently at Sophie and Sian’s college, “tram crash/domestics/homelessness/SECRET BABIES” are not as valid as “sun/sand/fruity drinks with tiny umbrellas” when it comes to excuses for absence. Sian’s on her way home now, though, and Sophie is beside herself with glee. She’s even managed to change out of her candy floss dressing gown and do some vacuuming.

When Sian arrives on the Southpaw Express, they squeal and hug each other, and Sophie practically carries Sian home where she’s already prepared their tea. Sian is super tan, by the way. Like, I don’t even think there’s enough sun in England in an entire year to make someone that tan. She gushes about her holiday and Sophie’s like, “Yeah, I mean, I had a good time too. I just, you know, got kicked out of college and started working full time at Sunita’s corner shop and took a couple of showers and missed you until I thought my heart was going to explode in my chest. But I guess that sounds kind of pathetic.” Sian’s like, “Not as pathetic as you’re going to sound when I drop this bomb on you: I’m moving back in with my mum. In fact, my own personal bus should be showing up any second now, so I’ve gotta bounce.”

On a scale of Feelings to FEELINGS, I’d say Sophie takes the news somewhere in the FEELINGS!!! range.

Sian stops by the corner shop the next day to tell Sophie she’ll still stay at hers some nights, but Sophie’s not really sure where, exactly, that’s going to be since Kevin – Father of the Decade over here – has already sold their flat so he can buy Baby Jack some solid gold bottles and things. Cashmere nappies. Diamond-studded pacifiers. Sophie gets that look in her eye, you know the one, the Solid Sophie Scheme one, and decides she and Sian should get a flat together. Sian’s like, “Maybe if you hadn’t skipped a whole year of maths, you’d know how to add my zero dollars of wages to your pittance of wages, the sum total of which is: remember that time we were homeless?” Sian has to get to college and as soon as she’s out the door, Sophie hops on over to her Facebook profile where she’s posted a whole album of photos of herself and some girl named Chloe from holiday. Sophie confronts her about it later, and Sian’s like, “Not a thing, Soph.” And Sophie’s like, “Whatever. Pass the cider.”

The next day she’s still as angry as fire, and Sian just snaps. Yes, she made a new friend on holiday. Yes, she wants to move back in with her mum for a while. And who can blame her? Living at the Webster’s is like living in one of those post-apocalyptic war zones with the zombies, and the only thing that made it tolerable was Sophie, but now she’s chucking her whole future away in a fit of Sally proportions, and Sian can’t take it anymore. This is entirely the wrong time to mention it, but Sian in a hoodie and a messy ponytail is my favorite Sian. She stomps out of the shop and Sophie follows her, and they break up or play at breaking up, but Sian is gone in a flash and Sophie pulls, like, a two-liter bottle of cider out of her pocket.

Sunita finds her on the corner, just trolleyed, and she tries to take her home. When she won’t comply, Sunita finds Kevin and explains the situation, and he’s like, “In case you’ve forgotten, I have an illegitimate baby to look after.” And so Sophie is left to her own drunken devices, and those devices lead her to her old church. She watches the choir from outside for a while, singing the entire soundtrack to Sister Act 2, and then she stumbles inside for a chat with the pastor.

This whole fallen lamb storyline got more publicity than I could even keep up with, and this scene before the roof was worth every bit of it. I don’t know what kind of soap awards you guys have in the UK, but if Brooke Vincent doesn’t win one, there’s no justice in this world!

The pastor sends the choir home and asks Sophie what’s happened. She breaks down like she’s never broken down before, telling him that he was right all along, that God hates her because she’s gay. The pastor says that God doesn’t hate anyone, and Sophie can barely choke out the next bit: That her life is falling to pieces. She’s lost her family, her home, her girlfriend, her future, and the only thing she can think is that God is punishing her because she acted on her “unnatural desires.” The pastor tries to explain that God forgives us of our human frailties, but the thing he should really be saying – and the place I hope he gets before it’s all said and done – is that being gay isn’t wrong at all. There are gay Christians documented all the way back to the 14th century, and it is nothing more than church politics and prejudice that have caused their persecution all these years.

Sophie climbs up to the roof to ask God herself, and seriously, even if you’ve never watched Corrie before, find this scene and watch it. It’ll break your heart in half. She stands on the ledge and shouts that God promised to protect his flock. “But I’m not part of his flock anymore! I’m a lost sheep!” The pastor finally coaxes her down, and just as she’s almost safely in his arms, she slips and falls off the ledge and lands on a parked car.

At the hospital, Kevin and Sally have stopped acting like children long enough to take care of their own child. JUST KIDDING! THEY’RE STILL THE WORST! They stomp around and argue about whose fault it is that Sophie fell off a church roof, and Rosie shivers in a corner, and finally Sian bursts onto the scene holding her broken heart in her hands and begging someone to tell her Sophie is OK. When Sian sees Sophie, she stops breathing. When she’s finally allowed in to visit her, Sian breaks down and tells Sophie how sorry she is, and makes her promise to never leave her. My heart really can’t handle much more, if you want to know the truth, so when Kevin calls Sian away and she kisses Sophie on the lips and then lingers on her forehead, I’m pretty much wrecked.

I’ll have Sophie’s homecoming for you later in the week; I’m having a little trouble getting the episodes downloaded. Until then, what did you think about Sophie’s fall from grace?

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