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“Glee” Episode 215 Recap: “Everybody’s Got a Random!”

I’ve made six or seven attempts at getting this recap started, and I keep deleting them and starting over. Because, somehow, I think I turned back into a 16-year-old girl with a broken heart because the girl who said she loved me is going out with a boy.

If you didn’t watch, I’m talking about Santana Lopez, who broke every expectation I had of what this episode would be about, and told Brittany she loved her and wanted to be with her.

Is there anyone reading this who thought that would happen? Even one single person? Because if you did, please tell me right now what’s going to happen with the economy, because you’re definitely psychic.

And it’s not like this episode’s gay was all girl-on-girl, either. Kurt and Blaine had their moments, and Kurt and his dad had one of the best father-son sex talks in the history of television. And hey, thinking about Kurt’s sex-hands-tiger-paws has made me laugh enough to stop this meandering, bloviating introduction and tell you what the heck happened on Glee last night.

It’s like this: Holly Holliday (Gwyneth Paltrow) is back, this time as a substitute sex ed teacher. Will‘s totally happy, but Emma, not so much — ostensibly because Holly is all gung ho on accepting that teens will be sexually active while Emma is the new leader of the Celibacy Club, but I suspect it has more to do with the way Will’s face lit up when he saw her. Just a hunch.

Emma asks Holly why she doesn’t think celibacy is a valid choice for teens, and Holly says she thinks it’s a valid choice, “I just don’t think it’s realistic. You know, it’s like saying vegetarianism is an option for lions.”

Will laughed way too hard. Emma noticed.

Will stopped laughing when Holly said some of the Glee Club kids were “the most clueless.” Cut to a scene in sex ed class, where we discover that Finn and Mercedes think cucumbers can “give you AIDS.”

Emma objects again, saying that kids don’t need to be bombarded with sexual information, but should be taught that it’s serious stuff, “not for kids and not for adults.” Yeah. The anvil school of foreshadowing is strong in the Glee writers.

So, for those who haven’t been following every word I write about this show with breathless and rapt attention, or who don’t use Twitter, Glee producer Brad Falchuk tweeted a few weeks ago that this is the episode were we’d realize that “Brittana is on. Brittana was always on.”

I didn’t know what that meant, but I figured we’d get some kind of explanation of where their relationship had been since the scene in “Duets” when Santana flounced out of bed with Brittany and pretty much slammed the door on any kind of emotional connection between the two of them – and Brittany started dating Artie.

So, the next scene was, I thought, the “it” we’d been waiting for.

Brittany is putting something in her locker (adorned with one of her promo pics in a Cheerios uniform, amusingly framed as being the cover of Cheerleading magazine) when Santana walks up to her, smiling. “Hey, Britt-Britt, how about you and I popping in some Sweet Valley High this evening and get our cuddle on?”

“Britt-Britt.” That’s just precious.

Brittany gives her a sweet, sad look. “Look, I’d really like to get my sweet lady kisses on, but I haven’t been feeling very sexy lately. I think I have a bun in the oven. Please don’t tell anyone, especially Artie.”

Before Santana can finish saying, “Your secret’s safe with me,” everyone in the school knows — including Artie.

So, I thought that was it. I wasn’t totally happy with it, but it was basically what I was expecting. I mean, not that Brittany was pregnant, but I’d seen it leaked that she really wasn’t, so I sort of ignored that. No, I mean that little attempted seduction, and the clear indication that, despite the fact that Brittany was dating Artie, she was also still at least making out with Santana. And that, I figured, was that.

I was so wrong.

Anyway, Artie’s sitting in the choir room when Will walks in, announcing that Regionals is in one week, and it’s time to get deep into their set list. This is so Glee — they don’t even have their set list settled yet, and the competition is in a week? Sigh. No wonder Vocal Adrenaline kicked their butts.

Will stops talking when he sees Artie’s face, then asks him what’s wrong.

“My life is over,” Artie says. “How am I supposed to support a baby?” (I’d say the time to ask that question was before your little swimmers got loose, dude, but whatever.)

Artie turns to Brittany and asks, accusingly, “How could you not tell me about this?” Which reminds me of how he reacted after the first time they had sex, as if it was all her fault and her doing, and he hadn’t been eager and willing/hating on Artie.

“I’m so sorry, Artie,” she said. “I didn’t want to upset you. I thought I could surprise you when I dropped him off. I’m sure it’s a boy.”

“Ummm,” says Puck, “Babies don’t get dropped off.”

Will asks if she’s been to the doctor yet, and it turns out that Brittany saw a stork building a nest on the roof of her family’s garage, and that’s the root of her belief that she’s pregnant.

Er, wasn’t Brittany there when Quinn had her baby last season? Oh, wait, sorry; Glee and continuity: One of these things is not like the other.

The reaction shots to Brittany’s statement are just great, especially the patented Santana WTF expression, although Sam‘s pretty funny, too, given that he’s not exactly the brightest bulb on the string.

But the whole thing makes Will realize the New Directions kids might be having sex, but they are woefully ignorant about it. He and Holly chat about this while she teaches a jazzercise class he’s taking, a concept I just can’t even begin to understand or accept, so I pretended it wasn’t happening.

Holly says her theory of sexual education is like the cookbook that recommends you hide vegetables in other food so children will eat them without knowing it.

“I’m not following you,” Will says.

“It’s jazzercise, Will,” she replies. “It’s not that hard.”

But Will meant the sex ed thing, so Holly offers to come sing to the Glee Club about it, and slip in a little education about STDs.

“And speaking of STDs, how is your dating life?” Smooth, Holly.

“Right now,” Will tells her, “I’m president of the Celibacy Club.”

“Too bad,” she says. “That’s a waste of some fine man-butt.”

The next time the Glee Club meets, Will writes the word “sexy” on the board. “I sure hope that’s not a requirement for Regionals,” Santana says, leaning on the piano. “Because with Berry in those tights, we don’t stand a chance.”

Then Will gives an awkward and euphemistic and inept little talk about sexual responsibility, which he stumbles and fumbles into an intro for Holly.

“Sex,” she says. “It’s just like hugging, only wetter.”

Then she starts grilling them on their sex ed knowledge. “Finn, is it true you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant via hot tub?”

“I’ve always been dubious,” he tells her.

“And Brittany, you think storks bring babies?”

“I get my information from Woody Woodpecker cartoons,” she says.

Holly says those days are gone, as she’s going to get them up to speed on the birds and bees.

“But what about those of us who choose to remain celibate?” Rachel says, making touchy-feely with Quinn, who is sitting next to her and swats her away in annoyance. I am annoyed that they both look like little old ladies here. Apparently celibacy erodes one’s fashion sense.

“Although I think you’re naïve and possibly frigid, I do admire your choice,” Holly tells them, only to be cut off by Will who suggests it’s time for the song.

Holly agrees, and says that all sexual encounters begin with a touch. And then she does a leather-clad rendition of Joan Jett‘s “Do You Wanna Touch Me There?” with back-up dancers/hair-tossers Santana and Brittany.

My review is mixed. Santana and Brittany are unbelievably hot. If you look under the word “cleavage” in the dictionary, you’ll find Santana’s picture there, and Brittany, as usual, dances so well it makes everyone else look awkward and stiff — especially when she’s crouching like a tiger on top of the piano, swinging her hair around.

But however much I like the character of Holly Holliday and however much good she ultimately does everyone in this episode, Paltrow just doesn’t have the vocal chops to carry off this song — listen to this clip of the original music video if you don’t believe me. And Brittany and Santana are pretty much wasted, because the camera is almost always on Paltrow, who doesn’t really do anything all that extraordinary, dance-wise, in this scene.

While the whole Glee Club is standing around breathing hard from all that dancing and cleavage flashing, Holly says, “Remember, whenever you have sex with someone, you’re having sex with everyone they’ve ever had sex with. And everybody’s got a random!”

Brittany looks deeply concerned.

In the next scene, we’re at Blaine and Kurt’s coffeehouse, which I just notice is called “The Lima Bean.” Did we know that? Genius, Glee writers. Our boys are standing in line in their little uniform jackets, colorful scarves tossed artfully around their necks. /sogay

“Don’t you think it’s time for the Warblers to do a Joan Armatrading medley?” Kurt asks Blaine.

“I’m not so sure they’ll know who that is,” Blaine says, just as a voice cuts in from behind them in line.

“Well,” says Sue, “If it isn’t my sweet, sweet Porcelain.”

“Coach Sylvester,” Kurt says, his voice dripping with suspicion and absolutely no surprise. “What are you doing here?”

“Just pickin’ up some coffee,” she says. “I like my enemas piping hot.” Then she pulls off her sunglasses. “I heard this was a Dalton Academy hangout, and I come in the spirit of fellowship. As you no doubt have heard, I’ve taken over for the coach of Aural Intensity.”

“We heard you pushed him down the stairs,” Kurt says.

“You can’t prove that,” Sue answers.

Kurt turns to Blaine. “This is just sort of how she talks.”

Sue starts dumping sweetener and flavoring into her coffee, while Kurt and Blaine watch, an array of horrified expressions chasing across their faces. Someday I’m going to watch this show with the sound off, just to get the full impact of all the awesome face acting that goes on.

Her message to the Warblers is that New Directions is sexing up their act — we see a flashback to a track-suited Sue standing in front of Will’s white board, the word “Sexy” still written on it — and that she suspects the judges at Regionals will be giving extra points for sexiness.

Kurt pretty much blows her off, and she tells him he’s “made a powerful enema.” Blaine, however, believes her, and says the Warblers will have to hold a meeting and come up with something “sexified.” The idea seems to delight him, which is odd given how utterly un-sexy the Warblers, and Blaine, have always been. (I say that with love.)

Will’s eating lunch with his new BFF, Shannon Bieste, when Emma comes storming in, furious at what she’s heard about Holly’s routine for the Glee Club. Will offers to let Emma and the Celibacy Club do their own pro-abstinence number, and she nods in satisfaction. “I look forward to the opportunity to nail her to the wall.”

Will tries not to laugh. Shannon doesn’t even try.

Lauren Zizes accosts Puck at his locker, demanding he make a sex tape with her so she can get famous. “I want to be like a Kardashian,” she tells him. “I want a TV show and a fragrance. It will be called Zizes, and the slogan will be, ‘You just got Zizesed.'”

She had Puck at sex tape, of course. He tells her that he’s feeling a little light-headed, but if it means what he thinks it means, he’s in.

“Wow,” she says as they walk off arm-in-arm,” If your lovemaking prowess is as impressive as your skills of deduction, I’m in for a wild night.”

The Warblers have invited their all-girls sister school to test the sexiness of their new number, “Animals,” originally by the Neon Trees. I don’t know what the original sounds like — I’ve never heard this song before. But “sexy”? Ummm, nope.

Cute, however? Oh, yeah. Sweet, sweet Porcelain finally gets to come out from the chorus line and sing a duet with Blaine in a performance, and his dancing and facial expressions are sort of a combination of “Bad Romance” hand gestures and Rachel Berry extreme emotion, plus, I don’t know… something from a Village People concert? It’s hard to describe. Especially the end, when he and Blaine get up on top of a scaffold and spray floods of white foam over the Warblers and the screaming teeny-boppers. Yes, they went there.

After they’re done, two of the girls try to give Blaine their phone number, and he says, “Sweet. But I’m not on your team.”

They flounce off, and he turns to Kurt, who has a scarf wrapped around his throat and is combing his hair like a 30s movie star. “Are you all right?”

Kurt says yes, so Blaine asks about his weird facial expressions during the song.

“Those were my sexy faces,” Kurt says.

Blaine says they looked more like gas pain, and Kurt explodes. “Great! How are we supposed to get on the stage at Regionals and sell ‘sexy’ to the judges when I have as much sex appeal and knowledge as a baby penguin?”

Oh sweet, sweet Penguin! Every time you open your mouth, I want to adopt you.

Blaine says, “We have to do something,” and if I hadn’t heard via infallible sources, i.e., gossip on Twitter, that Blaine and Kurt don’t make any progress as BFs instead of BFFs in this episode, I might have had some hope.

And then, wham, I found out why every lesbian on #gaysharks was posting incoherent remarks like, “Britanna OMG are you serious I can’t believe it!!!!!!!!” all evening. (Hey, I try not to look, but every time, I succumb.)

Santana is doing Brittany’s hair in what looks like a bedroom full of clothes. Brittany seems sad, and says, “I want to talk to you about something. I really like when we make out. And stuff.”

Santana leans down and says, “Which isn’t cheating because…”

“The plumbing’s different,” Brittany finishes, in a way suggesting this is something Santana says a lot. Not that Santana really seems that worried about cheating, so I’m assuming this was how she got Brittany to sleep with her even though she was dating Artie.

Then Brittany goes on. “But when Artie and I are together, we talk about stuff. Like feelings.”

Santana stops refreshing her lip gloss and stares at her. “Why?”

“Because,” Brittany says, suddenly seeming a little angry. “With feelings it’s better.”

“Are you kidding?” Santana says. “It’s better when it doesn’t involve feelings. I think it’s better when it doesn’t involve eye contact.”

“I don’t know,” Brittany says. “I guess I just don’t now how I feel about us.”

“Let’s be clear here,” Santana says, hanging something on a rack. “I’m not interested in any labels. Unless they’re on something I shoplift.”

“I don’t know, Santana,” Brittany says. “I think we should talk to somebody, like, an adult. This relationship is really confusing for me.”

Breakfast is confusing for you.”

“Well, sometimes it’s sweet, sometimes it’s salty,” Brittany objects. “What if I have eggs for dinner, what is it?”

Santana just stares at her, but it’s not her usual, “I can’t believe you just said that” expression. It’s more like, “Okay, I’m freaking out inside.”

Puck and Lauren are critiquing a sex tape in the school library — not the sexual technique, but the production values. Holly comes up behind them, and they cheerfully tell her their plan. She congratulates them on how comfortable they are with their bodies — “Easy to be comfortable when you look this good, right?” Lauren responds — but also breaks it to them that any sex tape they made at their ages would result in their arrest for making and possessing child pornography.

Don’t take it to heart, she tells them; these things never work out like you think they’re going to. “My sex tape with JD Salinger was a disaster.”

Holly walks off, only to encounter a very subdued Brittany and Santana. “Miss Holliday,” Santana says, “We need your help.”

We don’t hear exactly what they tell her next, but we cut to a scene clearly set very shortly after, with the three of them sitting cross-legged on mats on the floor. Brittany asks why they’re sitting on the floor, and Holly tells her it’s because they’re in Japan. Then she probably realizes it’s dangerous to say something like that to Brittany, and corrects herself, saying, “Welcome to my sacred, sexy sharing circle.”

She goes on, “I want to thank you for confiding in me, because I know this is tough. And I want to ask both of you if either one of you thinks that you might be a lesbian.”

I’m not sure I get where this question is coming from, although the first time I heard it my heart stopped and the interruption of blood to my brain meant that I just accepted it without much thought. But on re-viewing, I’m kind of thinking, what difference does it make in this context if they’re lesbians or bisexual women? They’re having a relationship problem, right? Or maybe it was just Holly’s way of making them feel like whatever they felt or thought was okay.

“I don’t know,” Brittany answers, and looks at Santana.

“I mean, who knows?” Santana says. “I’m attracted to girls and I’m attracted to guys. I made out with a mannequin. I even had a sex dream about a shrub that was just in the shape of a person.”

“Well,” Holly says, “We’ve all been there. I went to an all-girls college where the only industry in the town was the manufacture of softball equipment. I still feel a little tingle when I hear Ani DiFranco.” She shivers. “Anyway, it’s not about who you’re attracted to; ultimately, it’s about who you fall in love with.”

“Well, I don’t know how I feel,” Brittany says, her voice breaking, “because Santana refuses to talk about it.”

Holly says she knows talking about feelings can be really hard, but why don’t they sing about it?

Santana says she could do that, and she has the perfect song in mind. She asks Holly to help them sing it, and Holly says, “I thought you’d never ask.”

So, now we have the total luxury of cutting to the show’s other same-sex couple — I swear, it’s like this was cable! — and see that Blaine is coaching Kurt in sexy faces in front of Kurt’s bedroom mirror. “So give me ‘sensual.’ But don’t make fun of it; really try.”

Chris Colfer should get another Emmy for the hysterical contortions he puts his face through in this scene. Blaine just looks like he’s having gas pains. “Okay, now give me ‘sultry.'” Then he laughs. “Kurt, they’re all looking sort of the same.”

Kurt huffs a big sigh. “That’s because the face I’m actually doing is ‘uncomfortable.'” He stands up. “This is pointless, Blaine. I don’t know how to look sexy, because I don’t know the first thing about sex.”

“Kurt, you’re blushing,” Blaine says, looking somewhat charmed.

But Kurt’s on an emotional tear. “I’ve tried watching those movies, but I just get horribly depressed and I think about how they were all kids once, and they all have mothers, and god, what would their mothers think, and why would you get that tattoo there?”

“Well, maybe we should have a conversation about it,” Blaine offers. “I’ll tell you what I know.”

“I don’t want to know the graphic details,” Kurt says, panicking a little. “I like romance. That’s why I like Broadway musicals, because the touch of the fingertips is as sexy as it gets.”

Blaine tells him he’s going to have to find out about it someday, and Kurt says, “Not today. I think I’ve heard quite enough for today, thank you. I think you should leave.”

Blaine leaves, somewhat reluctantly. Kurt is clearly about to cry or rend his garments. Oh, Kurt.

Then Will and Holly rehearse a tango to Prince‘s “Kiss.” They have backup dancers and props and costumes that disappear when the song’s over, leaving just regular Will and Holly in a real-life kiss.

He asks her to go out with him, and she says, “You don’t want any of this. I’m damaged goods. Which means I’m great in bed, but it also means I tend to break nice guys like you into Wasa crackers.”

“I think I can handle it,” he tells her.

“You married your high school sweetheart and then you went out with a virgin,” she says. Word.

Blaine, meanwhile, decided he needed to make me remember why I once thought he deserved Kurt, and goes to see Burt at the repair shop. “Need a hand?” he asks, strolling in wearing his scarf and an expensive-looking coat.

“Yeah,” Burt says, just the faintest hint of unease or perhaps snark in his voice. “Why don’t you hand me that carburetor?”

Blaine plucks it out of a pile of car parts, clearly to Burt’s surprise. Turns out Blaine and his father had rebuilt a ’59 Chevy as a bonding exercise. “You here looking for parts?” Burt asks.

But no. Blaine wants to talk about Kurt. Burt’s alarmed. “Is he okay?”

“Have you ever talked to him about sex?” Blaine asks.

Burt’s clearly uncomfortable, but he mans up and asks Blaine, “Are you gay or straight or what?”

“I’m definitely gay,” Blaine says.

“Good. I mean, whatever, but good for Kurt. He needs someone like you to, you know, talk to.”

“Well, that’s the thing. I’ve tried talking to him, but he basically puts his fingers in his ears and starts singing.”

“Well, when he’s ready, he’ll listen,” Burt says.

“I’m worried it might be too late,” Blaine says. “Dalton doesn’t even have sex ed classes. Most schools don’t. And the ones that do almost never discuss what sex is like for gay kids.” He switches gears. “Kurt is the most moral, compassionate person I’ve ever met.”

“Well, he gets that from his mother.” (No, Burt, I think he’s getting it from both sides.)

“And I’m blown away by your guys’ relationship. You think my dad built a car with me because he loves cars? I think he did it because he thought getting my hands dirty would make me straight.”

Burt nods, looking thoughtful. “He talk to you about this kind of stuff?”

Blaine says no, that he had to find everything out on the Internet — something Kurt’s refusing to do. “And one day he’ll be at a party and maybe have a few drinks, and he’ll meet some guy and they’ll start fooling around. And he’s not going to know about using protection or STDs. I don’t have the relationship with my dad that you have with Kurt. I think it would be really cool if you took advantage of that.” He hesitates. “I’m sorry if I’m over-stepping.”

“You are,” Burt says, having gone back to the car. But of course, he wasn’t, and Burt knows it.

Best boyfriend/best friend-parent sex talk ever.

Only one, probably. But even if there were millions, this would be the best one.

So, I know most people liked the song in the next scene, which was Holly, Brittany and Santana singing Stevie Nicks‘ “Landslide” (which was more recently covered by The Dixie Chicks). I love the song and this version was very pretty, but I just wanted Holly to get the heck out of there and let Brittany and Santana sing it to each other. Wasn’t that what the song was supposed to be about? It’s basically a solo by Holly, with a few backup vocals by Brittany and Santana.

That said, the looks that the two girls were giving each other, and Santana’s tears, were perfect. And when it was over, Brittany asks Santana, “Is that really how you feel?”

And Santana wipes her tears and sniffs and says, “Yeah.”

They embrace — it was more than a hug, less than a kiss — and stand there in front of the Glee Club holding each other. Sam leans over to Artie and says he’s glad their girlfriends are such good friends, and he wishes he and Artie could be close like that.

Sam’s clearly oblivious, but Artie equally clearly knows about Brittany and Santana, at least about their past, because he rolls his eyes.

Rachel knows what she saw, however, and applauds them for singing a song about “Sapphic charms.”

Santana snaps at her, “Listen, just because I sang a song with Brittany doesn’t mean you can put a label on me.” And she walks away from Brittany, who looks after her, so very, very sad.

Emma gavels a meeting of the celibacy club to order; apparently Rachel and Quinn were the only members, although they’re being joined by Puck, who says that he was “scared straight” by his brush with child pornography. And just in time to perform with them in their pro-abstinence song for the Glee Club.

And then there’s this totally amazing and surreal performance of one of the worst songs in musical history, “Afternoon Delight.” The costumes. The arrangement. The slides of various kinds of food being projected on the back wall. The way Holly gets up at the end and breaks it to them that the song is about sex, not food. Classic.

Carl, who has joined them to sing backup, asks Holly if she can counsel him and Emma, and Holly agrees. But before we get that, we get Burt and Kurt, talking about sex.

Burt gives Kurt some pamphlets and says he picked them up at the free clinic, because “it’s time you and I had ‘the talk.'”

“No, it’s not,” Kurt says. Then he sticks his fingers in his ears and starts singing.

Burt forces him to listen. “I wanna do this even less than you do. This is gonna suck for both of us. But we’ll get through it together, and we both will be better men because of it.”

They sit at the kitchen table, and Burt tells him to read the pamphlets, which cover the mechanics, and then come talk to him about it. “Deal?”

Kurt agrees, then tries to leave.

And then I get my second big surprise of this very surprising episode. Burt goes into a long, passionate discussion about what sex means, and how it makes you feel, and what effect it has on how you see yourself. It was epic. It was so much more than the awkward and funny scene I imagined they were going to have.

“For most guys, sex is just this thing we wanna do,” he begins. “You know, it’s fun, it feels great. But we’re not really yhinking too much about how it makes us feel on the inside or how the other person feels about it.”

“Women are different?” Kurt asks.

“Only because they get that it’s about something more than the physical,” Burt says. “You know, when you’re intimate with somebody in that way, you’re exposing yourself, you’re definitely going to be more vulnerable. And that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. I can’t tell you how many buddies I’ve got who have gotten way too deep with a girl who said she was cool with just hooking up.”

“But that’s not going to happen to me, Dad.”

“No. It’s going to be worse,” he says. “Okay? Because it’s two guys. With two guys, you got two people who think that sex is just sex. It’s going to be easier to come by, and once you start doing this stuff, you’re not going to want to stop. You just… You’ve got to know that it means something. It’s doing something to you, to your heart, to your self-esteem. Even though it feels like you’re just having fun.”

This is the best thing I ever read about sex.

Kurt answers slowly. “So, you’re saying, I shouldn’t have sex?”

“I think on your thirtieth birthday it’s a great gift to yourself.” Burt doesn’t quite smile, but it’s clear he’s not serious. Then suddenly, he is. “Kurt, when you’re ready, I want you to be able to do everything. But when you’re ready I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person. Don’t throw yourself around like you don’t matter. Because you matter, Kurt.”

Kurt is looking at him. “Is that it?”

“That’s it. For now.” He relaxes a little. “Can I make you some toast?”

“I think I’ll take it up to my room to eat while I read my new pamphlets,” Kurt says, gathering them up off the table. Then he gives his father a sweet smile. “Thank you, Dad.”

“You’re welcome,” Burt says.

Burt Hummel: father of the century. Am I right?

Emma and Carl go to see Holly, and it turns out that after four months of marriage they still haven’t had sex. They talk about it for a while, until Holly finally asks Emma a question: “Are you still in love with Will Schuester?”

She says she’s confused about her feelings, and Carl says, “You and your feelings can stay at the condo; I’ll be at the Radisson.”

Ouch.

But that’s nothing, nothing, compared to the sense of amazement and yes, awe, I had during the next scene.

Santana approaches Brittany at her locker, and says, “Can we talk?”

“But we never do that,” Brittany says.

“I know,” Santana says, looking so soft and sad I barely know it’s her. “But I wanted to thank you for singing that song with me in Glee Club.”

“Yeah…”

“‘Cause it made me do a lot of thinking. What I realized…” she takes a deep breath… “What I realized is why I’m such a bitch all the time. I’m a bitch because I’m angry. Because I have all of these feelings. Feelings for you, that I’m afraid of dealing with, because I’m afraid of dealing with the consequences.” A football player walks by, and Santana waits until he’s past to go on. “And Brittany… I can’t go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can’t.”

“I understand that.”

Santana looks at her. “Do you understand what I’m trying to say here?”

She reluctantly shakes her head. “Not really.”

“I want to be with you. But I’m afraid of the talks and the looks. I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school.”

Brittany looks surprised. “But honey, if anybody were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words.”

Santana starts to cry. “Yeah, I know, but I’m so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still, I have to accept that I love you. I love you. And I don’t want to be with Sam or Finn or any of those other guys. I just want you. Please say you love me back. Please.”

Brittany is gazing at her, so moved. “Of course I love you, I do. And I would totally be with you if it weren’t for Artie.”

Santana is shocked. “Artie?”

“I love him, too. I don’t want to hurt him. It’s not right. I can’t break up with him.”

And now Santana is shocked and furious. “Of course you can. He’s just a stupid boy.” And so much is crystal clear now.

Brittany looks upset. “But it wouldn’t be right. Santana, you have to know if Artie and I were to ever break up and I’m lucky enough that you’re still single…”

Brittany tries to take Santana’s hand, and Santana pulls it way, saying, “Don’t.”

Brittany goes on. “I am so yours. Proudly so.”

“Yeah, wow,” Santana hisses. “Whoever thought that being ‘fluid’ meant that you could be so stuck.”

Brittany says, “I’m sorry,” and reaches for Santana, who says, “Don’t. Get off me,” and walks off, leaving Brittany standing despondent in the hall.

For the third time tonight, that scene made me cry. It seems to have had that effect on a lot of us. But beyond that, I don’t know what to say. I felt this scene so completely on an emotional level, I can’t distance myself enough from it to do anything more than type it out. And it’s almost 4 in the morning, and I’ve got to stop trying to come up with something brilliant and insightful, and just quote AfterEllen’s Dorothy Snarker, who posted this to Twitter last night:

Say what you will about Glee, but that hour was a gift to gay teens, boys & girls. Real conversations, real emotions. Well done.

And that’s it: It felt real. So much that it hurt, brutally. And yeah, whatever criticism I’ve had of Glee in the past, and will have in the future, and may even have about this episode once I’ve had some time to process it, nothing is going to change how real it felt tonight.

And to have two major storylines about queer teen characters? Like Dorothy said, it’s a gift.

Not that the episode is over, but I’m just going to quickly summarize the last few minutes.

Lauren confronts Puck about joining the Celibacy Club, and he stands up for himself and for his feelings for her. She finally relents and kisses him, and says that if they can play footsie at the meetings, she’s in, too.

Emma isn’t at the next meeting, though; according to Rachel, she’s using the hour she used to be there to do something about “her sham of a marriage.” Puck asks Quinn where she got her hickey, and in a flashback we see that she got it from Finn, making out on her bed while her mother’s at work. But she says she got it from a curling iron burn.

Brittany’s there, too — and so is Santana. And Artie. Did the whole Glee Club join? Brittany tells her that she always uses the curling iron in the bathtub, to avoid burning herself.

Holly tells Will she’s leaving, plants the seed that Emma still cares for him, and then says she thinks she wants to date Will after all; they kiss. The end.

And our favorite #gaysharks Tweets this week!

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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