If there could be such a thing as a not-very-gay episode of Glee, this would be it. Although Glee at its least gay is still really super-gay, especially to a girl like me who came of age in an era when a two-second dry-mouthed kiss between two women who weren’t even dating got a TV episode canceled on half the network affiliates in the nation.
But I digress; this is not a recap of a long-ago episode of LA Law, it’s the recap of the thirteenth episode of the second season of Glee, “Comeback.” And despite the fact that there was no Kurt whatsoever, not even Kurt swaying in the background while Blaine leads the Warblers in song, and that the future promise of Brittana seems as far off as it ever did… this episode had its moments.
Or maybe not. I might be fooled by the fact that I’ve never actually seen Justin Bieber perform nor heard him sing. I’ve only seen the ten thousand photos of lesbian Bieber-look-a-likes, so to me, Bieber is a lesbian icon.
“Comeback” opens with Will mentally voice-overing about how the Glee Club is set for a comeback just as Emma comes racing in to drag him off because Becky Jackson found a Sue-icide note in Sue’s journal.
Will and Emma go to Sue’s house, where the front door is unlocked but the door to Sue’s bedroom is not. Will bashes it in with his shoulder, and they find Sue lifeless on the bed, empty Gummy Bear vitamin bottles all around her.
Only she’s not dead; she snaps out of it and says, “I just stopped my own heart. It’s my CIA training.”
Sue intones, “I have nothing to live for,” to which Emma replies, “Not untrue.”
Emma and Will walk out on her in anger, but not before Sue snarls that Will has “more grease in your hair than that guy from Wikileaks.” Ouch. But points for timeliness, Gleemasters!
So, Sam and Quinn, the couple with the least amount of chemistry on the whole show — and I’m including Will and his ex-wife here, hell, I’m including Mr. Figgins and Sue — are planning their Friday night date. Sam wants to go to Color Me Mine, which I had to Google because I had no idea what that was. Apparently it’s a national chain of “paint your own pottery” shops. Who knew?
Anyway, Sam may be blond and pretty and not too bright, but he does realize Quinn is slipping away from him, even though he says he believes that Quinn got mono from Finn by sucking a gumball out of his windpipe to save his life, not by making out with him.
God, I love this show.
Anyway, he conceives a plan to get her back. His dad always told him that there are two ways to get a woman: “Take her hunting, and rock and roll.” (Note to any random straight guys who might read this: Sam’s dad is an idiot. Don’t listen to him. Trust me.)
Fortunately, Sam doesn’t go the Bambi-killing route; he chooses the rock route. And who, he wonders to himself in yet another patented Glee mental voice-over, is more rock ‘n’ roll than Justin Bieber?
Like I said, I’ve never heard the lad sing, but I’m going to guess practically anyone who’s ever picked up a guitar and strummed the opening chords of “Gloria” is more rock ‘n’ roll than he is.
Sam starts by taking his already epically Bieber-esque hair and making it even more so. Then he starts a one-man tribute band, “The Justin Bieber Experience,” and hits the bat mitvah circuit, where dozens of screaming tweens storm the stage.
Back at McKinley High, Rachel, now through with love, is scheming to get back on the top she’s never been on in the first place. Her plan involves bribing Brittany to dress like her and thus establish Rachel as a trend-setter. Good luck with that, Rach. Because Brittany had promised to wear leg warmers, and she had, but on her arms. She was cold because she was wearing a tank top in winter, because no one had ever taught her how to read a calendar.
She’s also wearing one of several truly awesome hats tonight. I really don’t miss the Cheerios pony tail at all.
Sue, back from the near-dead, goes on a rampage in the halls, tearing hats from students’ heads, pushing them into lockers, tossing their books, and… well, you know. Rampaging.
Will is in Emma’s office telling her what happened when Sue comes in and asks if she can use the rafter’s in the room to hang herself.
Will asks if she hasn’t had one moment of joy since losing out on a chance to go to Nationals, and Sue said there had been only one: Singing along to Charlene’s “I’ve Never Been to Me,” which I will editorially comment is the finest drag queen lip sync song ever written and the absolute highlight of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.
Anyway, this gives Emma the idea to lighten Sue’s spirits by inviting her to join the Glee Club for a week. After all, she says brightly, it worked with the football team. Will and Sue both object, but as usual, Emma prevails.
The New Directions kids aren’t very happy about it, but Will pushes them. “Coach Sylvester has taken her licks,” he says earnestly.
“Wanky,” comments Santana, in a way that makes it mean so much more.
“All she’s ever done is make our lives miserable,” says Quinn.
“She got exactly what she deserved,” Santana agrees.
“You’re lucky I left my blow gun at home, air bags,” Sue responds. “Because I’ve got a clear shot at your nonnies.”
Sue tells them she’s no longer a threat to them. “I just hope that your singing and dancing around will pull me out of my doldrums and give me a reason to live. Is that too much to ask?”
Now is my favorite part of the whole episode.
Will tells the class that he got the notice of their competition for Regionals. First, of course, he says, is Kurt and the Warblers.
“Sweet Porcelain,” sighs Sue.
Can we linger on that moment? Sue’s been all over the place lately, and I hated her like poison when she tried to kill Brittany last week, but that arc where she resigned as principal because the school board wouldn’t protect Kurt from Karofsky? Awesome. And remember how he got his new nickname? Yeah. Anyway, back to “Comeback.”
The other group at Regionals is Aural Intensity. Everyone’s worried about this because they say they “kicked their ass” at Regionals the year before — but, umm, no, really not. As I recall, everyone acknowledged they’d been a lot better than Aural Intensity and that there must have been something wrong with the voting. Now they’re worried about them? Hello, continuity checker?
There’s also going to be a theme at the Regionals this year: Anthem. “Who can tell us what an anthem is?” Will asks.
“It’s the bottom of an ant’s pants,” Brittany says with confidence.
“So close, so close,” Will says. “But no.”
He goes on to say it’s a big, big epic song… “filled with a groundswell of emotion that somehow seems bigger than itself, even bigger even that the person performing it.”
Which prompts the newly-Bieberized Sam to raise his hand and jump up.
“Oh, hi, Sam,” Will says. “I didn’t even notice your new haircut.”
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
Sam says he’s been working on a new image to go with his new haircut, and his new band, The Justin Bieber Experience. (I just like typing that.)
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” says Quinn.
“Dude,” says a mesmerized Puck, “that haircut makes your mouth look even bigger.”
Sam wants to sing a song that he thinks is an anthem because it’s “hugely emotional and sums up our generation.” Then he sings an extremely vapid song called “Baby” that, if it really did sum up a generation, would make me kill myself. Fortunately, I’m pretty sure this was a joke, and if not, don’t tell me, because I’m really happy believing that. Kind of like Sam and the gumball.
All the girls, including Quinn, go nuts for Biebersam, and I gotta give Chord Overstreet props for putting his heart and soul into what I can only assume is a full-throated homage to Justin Bieber. He’s dancing like a one-man boy band and it could be embarrassing but instead, it’s just tongue-in-cheek enough to be disarming, and ends up being pretty cute.
Sue thought so, too. “I’ve gotta get that girl on the Cheerios,” she says under her breath. Because for sure Jane Lynch knows a lesbian in a hoody with a Justin Bieber haircut when she sees one.
The guys might not seem smitten exactly, but other than Finn, who looks disgusted, Puck, Artie, and Mike seem intrigued. We find out why when they descend on Sam in the boy’s locker room while he’s slicking down his hair.
“We want in,” says Puck.
“Into what?” asks Sam.
Turns out they want to join The Justin Bieber Experience.
Sam objects that they were totally making fun of him for singing Bieber, and the guys explain that they now see Bieber as a mini-god (is Justin Bieber short? This isn’t the only size joke in the episode) and besides, they need the power of the Biebs to get their girlfriends out of their post-Valentine’s Day slump, the inevitable crash after the “sugar high” from the holiday.
Then we see a great flashback of Tina playing Angry Birds on her smart phone while making out with Mike. Not even a flash of his world-class abs catches her interest. Poor Mike.
However, hearing that Brittany’s losing interest in Artie pretty much made my night.
Finn walks in and asks what’s up, and Artie says they’re trying to get Sam to let them into his band. And if not, they’ll form their own: Bieber Fever.
“You do realize that Justin Bieber sucks, right?” Finn says, speaking for the multitudes.
“Quinn was pretty into him when I was singing to her,” Sam says. Then he tells the guys they’re in, but they need to figure out something to do with Puckerman’s hair. Ya think?
Cut to Rachel’s locker, where she’s filling out her to-do list; I’m sure it was full of a lot of funny stuff that people with bigger television screens than mine can share with us in the comments. It doesn’t hold her attention, either, because she sees that all the girls in school are wearing leg warmers on their arms, in imitation of Brittany — a look that was definitely not part of the deal Rachel paid for. Rachel accosts Brittany, who’s wearing another hat, this one a floppy-brimmed red garden party hat — again, definitely not a Rachel look.
Rachel demands her allowance money back, but Brittany can’t return it. “My uncle lost his job and his goat was going hungry, so I spent it on food for the goat. Well, actually, the goat just ate the money.” Was that on the way to Motocross practice, Britt?
Rachel says the only way Brittany can make it up to her is to come to school dressed exactly like her.
“What is that look called?” Brittany says, looking worriedly at Rachel’s outfit.
“Sexy schoolgirl librarian chic,” Rachel tells her.
Back at her desk, Sue tells her journal she’s regained her will to live by deciding to turn the Glee Clubbers against each other. She starts with Mercedes and Rachel, who she manipulates into challenging each other to a diva-off.
“There’s only one ‘i’ in ‘diva,’ Rachel, and that ‘i’ is me,” Mercedes says.
When the Glee Club kids are in the choir room later, Finn tries to get Quinn to go out with him on Friday night, but she says she hasn’t made up her mind yet. (He suggested bumper cars, which I personally think is a much better choice than paint your own pottery. But maybe that’s just me.)
Then all the guys come in with their hoodies and Bieber hair — even Puck, who looks totally ridiculous. Artie, however much I want Brittany to dump his sorry ass, looks really cute with the Bieber bangs and an orange hoody.
Then they sing “Somebody to Love,” with some nice production features like throwing flour all over themselves while the spotlights are on them. Having, you know, miraculously been transported to the auditorium. And the girls, including Lauren Zizes, are gathered at the lip of the stage squealing, while Finn sits in the back shaking his head in disgust.
Puck walks up to Lauren and asks what she thought. She confesses that “although my love would crush him, I’m totally turned on by the Biebster. That is, until I remember he looks like he’s twelve, when it’s sort of creepy.”
“Listen, Zizes,” Puck pleads. “What do I have to do to get with you?”
She says she has an idea, and she’ll let him know.
Quinn tells Finn she’s not going out with him on Friday, and then she tells Sam she can’t wait to paint some pottery with him. But just as she walks off, Santana strolls up and tells him that, despite what he thinks, things aren’t going well between him and Quinn, and that the two of them should “talk.”
Finn can’t believe Quinn’s choosing Sam over him, and all because of The Justin Bieber Experience. I was kind of rooting for Finn and Quinn for two minutes a while ago, but now I’m really over them. Am I the only one who doesn’t think cheating on people is sexy or funny? It’s not that Quinn should have to choose, but honesty is always nice.
Puck goes to Lauren’s wrestling practice, and it turns him on. She tells him to shut up, because she asked him there to talk business. She needs his help and advice for her solo number for New Directions. She knows she’s hot, she says, but she wants to be as good as Berry.
Puck says he gets nervous before he sings, but he just pictures the audience in their underwear. “It works every time. Can I touch your knockers now?”
“Only if you want to lose a hand,” Lauren says, standing up. “But you’re on your way.”
Our Puck is a happy man.
Rachel and Brittany are walking into the choir room, and Rachel says that Brittany, who is dressed just like her in a sweater, blouse with a bow, and little skirt, looks amazing.
“I really do,” Brittany says.
Rachel asks if there’s any way she can cut classes for the rest of the afternoon and just walk around the halls in her new look.
“Totally,” Brittany tells her. “Most of my teachers think by cutting class I might improve my grades.”
Speaking of fashion, Finn has joined the Bieber Collective in a black hoody and some kind of bangs weave or something.
Anyway, the diva-off. Rachel and Mercedes sing “Take Me For What I Am” from Rent. I know there’s already been a lot of ranting about this, and I hate to jump in late, but this musical meant a lot to me — it was pretty much the story of my life back in the 80s. I’ve seen the stage version four times in three cities, and I can’t count how many times I’ve seen the film, and I’ve cried my eyes out every time.
So, seeing them perform this number without any meaningful context just pisses me off. And Rachel didn’t do this song any favors, either. Maybe someone who heard it without the backstory would feel differently, I don’t know. I give it a D.
Rachel and Mercedes seem to have gotten their Sue-stirred hostilities out while singing, however, and are BFFs again by song’s end, much to Sue’s dismay. To try to cheer her up, Will takes her to sing with a group of kids with cancer. We’ve all seen this side of Sue before, with her sister, and I was as resistant to the cliché of this scene as Sue was, but regardless of all that, I kind of fell a little in love with her here.
Back at McKinley, all the girls are wearing sweaters with ponies on them and bowed shirts and little skirts and tights, and at first Rachel’s thrilled — until she finds out no one is giving her credit for the look; it’s all about Brittany.
“This sweater should make me look like an institutionalized toddler,” Santana tells Quinn in a perky voice. “But no, I look smart and hot. I feel like Michelle Obama.”
Rachel’s so upset she once again demands her money back from Brittany, who says no can do. “I used it to pay a publicist.” (Rachel must have some allowance.)
“Jacob Ben Israel posted a photo of me,” Brittany goes on, “And this website called The Sartorialist named me the trendiest girl in America.”
Rachel freaks out, and Brittany tells her she’s going to give her some “tough love,” and that she’s not a trend-setter. “I’m sorry, I have to go now. I have an interview with Teen Vogue.” Rachel stands there, crushed.
Lauren does her solo, the 80s hit “I Know What Boys Like” by the Waitresses. She’s a little nervous at first, but she imagines the audience in their underwear and ends up on fire. Go, Lauren!
Sam and Santana are talking, and it’s clear she’s not at all into him — she doesn’t find him charming or funny or sweet. After mocking his lips, she says he has to know Quinn cheated on him. “I know you’re dumb as a bag of hair, but she’s lying to you,” she says. “That gumball story is insane.”
I don’t really get why she’s going after him, all things considered, but I guess we’ll find out in two weeks.
With her heart and soul and sense of self restored by her visit to the pediatric cancer ward with Will, Sue marches in and tells him that so far, none of the Glee Club kids has actually sung a single anthem. (True.) She’s going to change that.
“I’ll admit your little field trip to the House of Sad inspired me,” she says. “But no way am I going it alone. The whole crew has to sing it with me. And here’s the catch: No more Bieber. No hoodies. No pocket lesbian Bieber hair.”
“Well, that can be arranged,” Will says. “What’s your song?”
Cut to the auditorium, where the gang is all grunged out in flannel shirts and stocking caps, and sings My Chemical Romance‘s “Sing.” Sue’s wearing a plaid track suit, which almost elevates this to greatness, but really, at heart, it’s meh.
The last few minutes of the episode are kind of action-packed. Sam breaks up with Quinn and tells her he’s dating Santana. Will announces that “Sing” will be their anthem for Regionals. Rachel tries to make the case that it’s not a strong enough song for that competition, and suggests that the group perform an original song. Will doesn’t agree, but lets the class vote; Rachel is the lone vote for her proposal.
After the kids leave, Sue wanders in and says she’s decided to give music a chance. Will’s happy until he finds out she’s taken a part-time job as the coach of Aural Intensity, the third group New Directions will be facing at Regionals.
And then, as if that wasn’t enough to cram into the ending, Finn tells Rachel that he agreed with her about the Chemical Romance song, but he didn’t vote for it because he thinks she should write the song and “cram it down their throats.” And, like last week, he tells her that he believes in her, and that, in the choir room, she’s “a trendsetter.” And that the old Rachel “might be making a comeback.”
Oh, and then we saw the preview for next week and the infamous leaked “bisexual!Blaine” episode, in which it seems like he’s drunk enough to fall flat on his back when Rachel kisses him in a public game of “Spin the Bottle.”
I love this show. I love this show. It’s stupid, but I love this show.
