“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.16): Vive la Liars!


So, Je Suis Une Amie is “I am your friend” in French-speak, correct? Well I Am Your Friend is “bullshit” in Pretty Little Liars-speak, unless you are an actual PLL or an appropriately-aged fella with a weird-shaped face. But I like the whole French thing because it’s just another excuse for Spencer to prance around in an internationally themed costume, for one thing. And for another, even Holden Caulfield seems bearable when you say it like L’attrape-coeurs.

Aria wakes up somewhere between “gentle tepidation” and “nuclear-level panic” because she’s still not sure if her mother saw her publicly displaying her affection all over Gilbert Blythe at the museum opening last week (last night?). She tells her pops that he needs to pay up for the dance-off from two episodes ago, and he pretends that people still write actual checks. Aria finds a ticket for the museum in his “checkbook,” and he gets unnecessarily weird about it, like, “The sprocket in your mom’s car came loose so I got sprung — er, I sprung her from disaster in Philly where some things happened and other things did not, some things were seen and other things were not, some tickets were stuck into “checkbooks” and other things were stuck into “places.”

At school, Aria’s like, “Mom, did you see anything alarming last night, like your only daughter with her tongue down her literature teacher’s throat?” Piper rolls her eyes and giggles and dances around the issue and says, “Mr. Blythe wants to take your class on a field trip to East Egg, and since the budget is limited, you’ll have to bunk together. You and Mr. Blythe. Which isn’t weird at all. Toodles!”

Hanna’s feelings could best be described as “oppressive guilt” for almost grassing Aria and Gilbert up to Piper Montgomery. She feels way worse about it than that time she literally killed Lucas with her bare hands, and she tries more than once to confess her betrayal to Aria. Aria blows her off on repeat, though, all, “Spencer is French today and the Mystery Machine isn’t going to drive itself. I’ve got a full box of Scooby Snacks and a sneaking suspicion that my parents are making monkey.”

Aria and Hanna follow Aria’s dad to Rosewood High in the middle of the night because, of all the places in all of the town, that is where he and Piper have decided to meet for sex. The high school library. Between the hours of Janitors Leave and Janitors Arrive. At the high school. In the library. Where Piper teaches. And her children attend classes. At the high school.

Aria solves her first case ever (Confirmed: her parents are indeed boning in public), and for her effort, she and Hanna almost get massacred. After her parents leave, Aria decides to go snooping around the library’s ventilation system — as you do — and they discover a whole bird’s nest full of trinkets and toiletries and wads of cash. They assume it’s A’s stash, and so Hanna just takes that money right back and shoves it in her pocket. But not so quick, girls! Who is that hooded figure creeping up on you with menace in his eyes and malice in his heart?!

Hanna and Aria run and shriek and ping against the lockers in the darkened hallway while a zombie chases after them. Only, it’s not really a zombie. It’s Caleb Letto. He lives in the bowels of the school, sometimes using the intercom to wail “Point of No Return” in the middle of the night, and sometimes singing “All I Ask of You.” Depending on what kind of day he had. The money in Hanna’s pocket belongs to him. (Not the wocket, though. The wocket is all Hanna.)

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