I don’t know what to do with myself, I really don’t. For one thing, Spencer said “give me tongue” on last night’s Pretty Little Liars, and then she ate pizza and talked with her mouth full and wore some kind of sleuthing/safari outfit, and also she said, “I will destroy her,” and then went know-it-all about World War II (which is my own personal area of expertise), and so I’m over here swooning to beat the band, but I don’t even think that was really the best part because Moze from Ned’s Declassified also popped up out of nowhere last night and tried to drown Emily. This show!
Also, I think the new gym teacher might be a lesbian. I mean, I don’t care if she is or not; I’m an equal-opportunity awesome-admirer, but I sure do love her. (You guys think she’s Oprah – “Let’s go swimmmiiiiinnnngggggg!” – and I can’t stop laughing about that.)
So, Hannah Banana has her hands on a wad of cash because of the hit she preformed on Lucas last week. And what does she do with it? She stuffs it in a Popsicle box, of course. But that paltry sum isn’t going to do her much good ’cause the rich old lady from whom Ms. Banana obtained her loan has scheduled another meeting at Gringotts, and even a kooky old bat is going to notice if 50,000 Galleons are missing from her vault. Realizing that a prison sentence is imminent, Ms. Banana gets nostalgic and hugs her kid for once. “When mama’s in the clink, always remember the time I didn’t let the doctors make you ugly,” she tells Hannah.
But A has another way for Hannah to earn some dollar-dollar-bills: She just has to tell Piper Montgomery about how her daughter is boning a teacher. Actually, I don’t want to gloss over this because it’s A’s creepiest message delivery yet. S/he has somehow procured a Mother’s Day card that was created in Satan’s own craft room. It’s terrifying. (It’s also moot, because the elderly loan shark conveniently dies the day of her meeting.)
Anyway, so Hannah gives Piper a ticket to a gallery opening in downtown Philly so that Piper will have the opportunity to catch her daughter french kissing her literature professor in broad daylight on the steps of a museum. It’s a near-miss thanks to: a) Caleb, whose mechanical savvy seems to know no bounds. He removes the starting sprocket from Piper’s car after Hannah spills her guts to him in detention. And b) Piper’s own hormones, which cause her to skip the opening altogether when her husband weaves a yarn about how his infidelity’s got nothing on the bond they share from that time they found a rotting sandwich underneath the seat of their car.
Aria, like I said, is getting her smooch on with Gilbert Blythe in the City of Brotherly Love. Spencer snags her some tickets for the aforementioned gallery opening. Aria performs a chaste striptease while Mr. Blythe is administering a test, and then Mr. Blythe borrows Chuck Bass’ limo, and off they go, to a place where an underage pocket-sized girl and a grown man can hold hands in public without all the scrutiny and homicide.
Typing of homicide, MOZE! Did you guys ever watch Ned’s Declassified on Nickelodeon? I shipped Moze and Ned so hard. I think Lindsey Shaw was also on the now-defunct 10 Things I Hate About You remake, but I don’t really care about that. What I care about is Emily is sober (bummer) and back on the swim team (spectacular). The day she returns to training she shatters some kind of state record (That’s one way to win a breakup!), which sets off Moze because she’s freestyled her way to top dog in Emily’s absence.
When Moze can’t buy the team’s affection with jewelry – bracelets just like the ones Alison had made for the PLLs! – she decides to gay-bully her way into Emily’s psyche. (10 Galleons from the Popsicle box says she’s going to try to gay-Moze her way into Emily’s pants before it’s all said and done.) She admires Emily’s bra in the locker room (*eyebrow raise*) and then says, “Being into the breast stroke could really hurt you. We all know what team you really play for.” Emily rolls her eyes and says, “Look, I am threatened by a serial killer on a daily basis, OK? If you want to out-swim me, out-swim me. If all this homophobic aggression is just a thinly-veiled attempt to seduce me, I understand. I have, after all, seen myself in the mirror.”
Spencer’s not having it, though. Over meat casserole, she tells Spencer and Aria about the breast stroke thing, and Spencer literally goes, “I will destroy her.” She tries to destroy her, too, by telling Coach Oprah (Coachprah?) about the homophobia. Emily tells Coachprah it was no big deal, so she lets Moze off the hook. To thank Emily for saving her ass, Moze tries to drown her. Seriously. She’s, like, holding Emily’s head under the water and shouting about, “Why are you a better athlete than me? Why can’t I stop staring at your boobs? Your hair should be in a shampoo commercial!”
And Spencer. Spencer. Sweet Jesus, Spencer. I used to dress like Spencer when I was a little kid, a new costume every day of the week.
The most important Spencer revelation in this episode is that she wants to snog Aria. She sort of floats the idea out there, casually, “Yesterday you were ready to give me tongue.” And Aria giggles nervously because she’s been ready to give Spencer tongue. (We all have.)
In Aria’s absence, Spencer drives the Mystery Machine all over Rosewood by herself. Her first stop is Alison’s brother, Jason, who is back in town to … run up and down the stadium stairs with his shirt off? Spencer presents him with a photo of Alison taken the night of her death. Aria used her protractor to discover that the photo was taken from the second floor of Alison’s house. Also, there is a mysterious shadow that everyone keeps insisting belongs to Ian. Jason’s private investigator (?) says the photo is the real deal, and also maybe he took it? Because he was so high that whole summer he has no idea what kind of hijinks he got up to with his digital camera? Did Spencer hook up with Jason too? Is that a thing? I can’t remember. If so: gross.
After that, Spencer drives on over to old Bathilda Bagshot’s place in Godrics Hollow. Bathilda takes some time out from beading to check her records and tell Spencer Hastings that Spencer Hastings is the one that bought the fake Alison bracelet lo those many months ago. Then Voldemort’s Horcrux snake Nagini unzips his old lady costume and tried to swallow Spencer in a single Slytherin gulp, but Hermione grabs Spencer’s hand just in time and they apparate to an open field where Hermione tends to Spencer’s wounds and then they make out.
Just kidding. There’s no reptile inside that old bead lady. Which is a real missed opportunity if you ask me.
At home, Spencer flashes back to a fight she had with Alison the night she was axe murdered. Alison was about to dime out Spencer to Melissa about some secret secrets and so Spencer said, “You are dead to me!” And then Alison actually was dead to her, so: whoops. She tells the other PLLs that the shadow in the photo is her and not Ian. They’re like, “Don’t worry about it; we also all wanted to kill Alison because she really was just the worst goddamn thing.”
Bathilda Bagshot invites A over for a cup of tea. “I did exactly what you asked,” she says. “I hope that helps. I hope you’re pleased. I hope you know I will forever be your willing vessel of evil. Sugar?”
Of course, my favorite part of Pretty Little Liars continues to be your #BooRadleyVanCullen Tweets!
Never stop Tweeting, you guys. I was crying by the time I got to the end of last night’s stream.
