“Pretty Little Liars” recap (1.14): I’m Not Thirsty!


I was talking to some of my writer buddies recently about how recapping television sometimes makes you hate television, because you can’t ever just watch it, you know? You’ve gotta be taking notes and trying to remember everything and worrying over whether or not you can make it funny when you repeat it back to people who already saw it. And I totally get that; watching TV can be stupidly stressful in my house. But then, every Monday night, along comes Pretty Little Liars, and I’m ten years old again, awe and wonder over what’s going to happen next, and legitimately shouting at the characters about, “Don’t go outside by yourself!” Or, you know, “Watch out! That fake blind cyborg classmate is going to kill you with her death ray!”

It’s like, on one hand, this show is the most ludicrous thing on television. But then, if you flip it over, the friendships totally ring true. Plus I really like the conversation we’re having about it — me and you, I mean — because I don’t feel like I’m recapping so much. I mostly feel like we’re piled into my living room rewinding the episode over and over and over again to hear Emily say, “I’M NOT THIRSTY” and “I CAN OPEN MY OWN DAMN DOOR.”

Having said all that, I gotta hop on a plane in four hours and I still haven’t packed or slept, so this one is going to be brief.

OK, let’s just get this out of the way right up front: I thought Meg Manning died of a blood clot to the heart when her baby was born! Not that I really was broken up about it or anything, but I was shipping Logan and Veronica pretty hard by then, so any excuse to send Duncan off to Tasmania or whatever was all right by me. But no, she didn’t die. She went on to become a famous short story author and now she’s back in Rosewood, PA, all up in Gilbert Blythe’s nut with the expressed intention of: crackin’ it(!). Aria is none-too-thrilled at the return of her former babysitter, but only because she thinks Gil is into gorgeous, successful, assertive women his own age. (He’s not.)

(Also, Meg Manning says “Weathering Heights” instead of “Wuthering Heights” and I wouldn’t hold it against her except one of her apparent baby-sitting accomplishments was making Aria turn off The O.C. to read it. Which: Dumb. Even Emily Bronte had no idea who was narrating that tale, and the first two seasons of The O.C. were some damn fine storytelling.)

So Meg Manning sashays into town and tries to get into Gilbert’s pants. Aria very nearly makes a scene at the Rosewood Sock Hop, but Spencer saves the day like so: She drags Aria aside and hisses: “You are a child, so that is one strike against you when dating a grown-up. A second strike occurred when Noel Kahn tried to blackmail said grown-up. Strike three is imminent if you storm over there and demand that he don a chastity belt.”

It all works out in the end; Mr. Blythe says those nine little words every girl longs to hear: “We can leave my apartment at the same time.” Aria is satisfied.

Hannah Banana cannot find a job. She tries newsboy, fireman, green grocerer, butcher, liquor store guy: Nothing. Her mom owes money to them all! But “A” has a job for her and that job is called “Being my little bitch.” It’s easy money: All she has to do is reach into a young man’s chest and RIP OUT HIS HEART. The pay’s good, though. Starting salary is $200/hr, but you can work your way up to $1,000/hr if you’re willing to stomp on his heart after excavating it, do a rain dance, whoop and holler a little bit.

Ken Doll dumps Hanna for her shenanigans, and I think we can all agree: No loss there! Hannah’s real heartbreak comes at the hands of Emily, though, when she tells Hanna she’s playing Lucas the way Allison played her.

Because get this shiz: Emily is plastered! See, there’s a new Cullen in town and this one’s got the tech savvy of ten “A’s” (plus two). Emily can’t speak with with Maya at Juvie Camp because the counselors have hijacked her phone or something. Or lojacked it? But so Caleb does a sort of reverse hack from Emily’s phone that enables communication? I don’t know. It’s legitimate rocket science, I think, and I don’t watch this show because of the way it exercises my brain. Anyhow, Emily calls up Maya, but Maya isn’t really keen to talk to her. The result of the snub is awesome in three-fold:

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