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The Golden Globes turn into the gayest globes ever

Wow, were those just the gayest Globes ever or what? The Golden Globes could have easily renamed themselves the Gay Globes last night as out gay actors and projects with gay themes all took home tons of trophy. The Kids Are All Right, Glee and Black Swan all won big. Hell, even the song Cher sang in Burlesque won. Yeah, it was that gay.

The night started out with what is probably the simultaneously rudest and most refreshing bit of award show hosting in history by British comic Ricky Gervais. In less than three minutes with he savaged the quality of The Tourist, relevance of Cher, Sex and the City 2 photoshopping and closeted Scientologists. And then he pantomimed an obscene act between 84-year-old Hugh Hefner and his 24-year-old fiancĂ©e. In other words, don’t expect Ricky to be hosting the Golden Globes — or anything else — again anytime soon.

But who cares which multimillionaire movie stars got their feelings hurt. You want to know about the gay stuff. Well let’s get started, it was a busy night.

In one of the first awards of the night, Chris Colfer won for best supporting actor in a TV comedy for Glee. The win was his first and, might I add, richly deserved for a season that has highlighted the struggles and heart of Kurt Hummel. Colfer, who seemed genuinely shocked, started out his speech saying her dropped his heart “between Natalie Portman and Julianne Moore.” He called Glee creator Ryan Murphy his “fairy godfather.” And then, as if the young out star hadn’t endeared himself enough with the gays, he ended his gracious acceptance speech with:

“Most importantly, to all the amazing kids that watch our show and the kids that our show celebrates who are constantly told no by the people and environments, by bullies at school that they can’t be who they are or have what they want because of who they are. Well screw that, kids.”

I think “Screw that, kids” is my new personal life slogan.

Soon after Justin Bieber and True Grit star Hailee Steinfeld came out to present looking like the most adorable lesbian couple at gay prom. Seriously, they would have won drag king and queen easily.

The night’s good gay vibes kept rolling as Annette Bening won for best actress in a comedy. While some may puzzle at calling The Kids Are All Right a comedy, few can quibble with Bening’s win. She was magnificent in the picture. On stage she thanked fellow nominee and co-star Julianne Moore calling her “my partner” as well as out director Lisa Cholodenko.

“I am very proud to be part of his very special film about two women who are deeply in love and trying to keep their family together … It was a labor of love for us.”

Claire Danes continued her sweep of award shows for her role in the HBO TV movie Temple Grandin. While there was nothing particularly gay about her win, my crush on Angela Chase probably helped me realize that I was gay. So every time she wins something, it makes me hug my My So-Called Life DVD box set a little closer.

In what appeared to be an awkward attempt to make nice with women everywhere who felt insulted by his terrible portrayal of women in The Social Network, writer Aaron Sorkin said some stuff about smart girls having more fun. And then he also said something about “elite” not being a bad word. That probably played better to the room of rich people than the viewing audience at home watching in their pajamas.

If Colfer’s emotional speech was the night’s heart, fellow Glee winner Jane Lynch‘s speech was its funny bone. As she picked up the best supporting actress in a comedy series trophy, she channeled Sue Sylvester and said “I am nothing if not falsely humble” before thanking the cast, crew and her wife and date for the night, Lara Embry.

The gay was infectious last night, as Dame Helen Mirren herself seemed to be cruising the room. She stepped to the mic and said, “God there are some gorgeous women here tonight. And very smart, but very beautiful.” Helen, please know that many of the gorgeous women in the room feel the same way about you — as well as the women watching at home.

For best actress in a comedy series, Laura Linney took home the honors for the inaugural season of The Big C. She wasn’t in attendance, however, because her father had passed away earlier that evening. Best actress in a drama series meanwhile went to Katey Sagal for Sons of Anarchy. The camera panned to a happy Al Bundy Ed O’Neill clapping for his former TV wife.

The night’s gay connections continued with as Melissa Leo took home the best supporting actress honor for The Fighter. Leo played Helena Peabody’s ex on The L Word. The Six Degrees of Ilene Chaiken game is all fun and games until someone winds up floating face-first in the pool.

TV’s biggest honors went to Boardwalk Empire for drama (hey, there’s a lesbian couple in that) and Glee (we all know how gay that is) for drama and comedy respectively. Glee also made news by casting Anne Hathaway on the spot for a guest turn as Kurt’s lesbian aunt. I told you, everyone wanted to be gay for the night.

Really, I’m not kidding about how contagious the gay was that evening. When he won for best actor in a drama for The King’s Speech, charming Colin Firth mentioned the “surprisingly robust triangle of man love” he had developed with co-star Geoffrey Rush and director Tom Hooper. And then when Natalie Portman won for best actress in a drama for Black Swan, she profusely thanked her co-star “Mila ‘Sweet Lips’ Kunis.” Exactly how sweet were those lips, Natalie? Lesbians everywhere are dying to know.

One of the night’s most satisfying wins went to The Kids Are All Right, which took home the best comedy award. It was an amazing recognition for a small picture that, regardless about how you feel about the story, is a boost for LGBT visibility in entertainment. I’d also like to note that Cholodenko and Bening were totally working on their lesbian twin look that night.

The Social Network won the drama award, but nothing particularly gay happened there except for the geeky bromance between its stars Jesse Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield. I thought Black Swan and The King’s Speech were both far better pictures. Also, neither movie will annoy you with Mafia Wars requests in real life.

So, see, I wasn’t kidding. The Globes were mighty gay. And we haven’t even talked about the dresses yet. I’ve saved the pretty girls in pretty frocks for the last.

Hollywood went green, literally, as Angelina Jolie, Mila Kunis, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Elisabeth Moss all showed up in lovely emerald gowns.

Olivia Wilde showed up looking like the princess she is (no, really, she is a princess).

Helena Bonham Carter showed up in two different colored shoes and something spectacularly kooky by Vivienne Westwood. The more she embraces her inner Bellatrix Lestrange, the more I love her.

Sofia Vergara went home empty handed, but noted on Twitter that she already had her own pair of Golden Globes. I think her dress made that pretty clear.

If Justin and Hailee looked like an adorable gay prom couple in junior high, Tilda Swinton and Geoffrey Rush looked like a lesbian couple attending their gay prom’s 30th anniversary reunion party.

Finally, Glee‘s Naya Rivera and Heather Morris remind us that if anyone should go to gay prom together, it is Santana and Brittany. Move over Brangelina, Brittana was the best-looking couple of the evening by far.

As promised, here come the tweets. Nobody tweets like the gays. Last night we asked you to play along while live-tweeting the Golden Globes. Boy, did you ever. You helped make the night fun by providing hundreds upon hundreds of snarky and insightful tweets throughout the evening. With each gay win, my Twitter feed exploded with joy and rainbows. There were so many great tweets, I couldn’t include all of them. So please enjoy this briefest of samplings. Check the #gayglobes hashtag for all of the rest of the night’s hilarity.

So, Gay Globes or Gayest Globes? You decide. What were you highlights for the evening? Which dresses did you love, hate or hate to love? The gay, it was so yay that night.

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