Archive

“Top Chef All-Stars” Recap (8.04): Game, set, dinner

Question: How do you best test a great chef’s culinary abilities? A) Let her show her creativity by using all the tools at her disposal or B) restrict his creativity by making him cook with only his thumbs? If you picked B, you’re probably a Bravo producer. The Quickfire Challenge this week is to make a stuffing without using any kitchen tools. Sorry, I misspoke, that is the Swanson Broth Quickfire Challenge this week. The way this show will shamelessly shill anything I wouldn’t be surprised if at some point we hear Padma announcing the Cool Ranch Doritos Elimination Challenge.

Chicago chef Tony Mantuano, a former Top Chef Masters contestant, is the guest judge. Tony and Padma oversee the mayhem that ensues. The chefs need to make a stuffing without using knives or any other utensils. To quote chefbian Jamie Lauren: “Really?” Oh, and this is also an immunity and cash Quickfire, with the winner pocketing a cool $20,000.

That news sends the cheftestants running to the kitchen like a pack of rabid Dobermans. It’s so crazy once they hit the fridges I’m worried someone might lose an eye. That $20,000 seems to be making everyone frantic, everyone except the Commander in Chief of Hootie Nation herself, Carla. Slow and steady wins the race, girl, slow and steady.

But back to the caveman cooking. I don’t understand the point of this challenge. Why make them grate cheese on a pot rack and filet a quail with pepper mill? I saw celery and jar lids and what looked suspiciously like a hockey puck all being used as spoons. It makes no sense and can’t be sanitary. To quote Jamie once more, it’s a “clusterf–k.”

Still they all muddle through and now it’s time to taste what they made, literally, with their bare hands. Carla, who did not have enough time to properly cook her black quinoa , calls it an “undone-te quinoa.” After they get finished trying her crunchy quinoa, Carla asks if they “need some floss.” See, now this is why we love her — this and the face Padma makes when she heard Carla say “undone-te.”

Guest Judge Tony calls out Carla, Tiffani and Casey’s dishes as his least favorite. His favorites then are Tre and Marcel. But then who took home immunity and big bucks? Tre. Thrilled with his win he runs out to shake Tony’s hand and give Padma a hug. Smooth move, man — you’ve got to take your opportunities to get a little mmm, Padma, mmm action whenever you can.

With snuggle time over, Padma tells them they will be serving food at the grounds of the U.S. Open for the Elimination Challenges. By luck of the tennis ball the cheftestants are sorted into Yellow (Angelo, Tiffani, Casey, Jamie, Tre, Tiffany and Spike) and Orange (Mike, Fabio, Dale, Carla, Antonia, Blais and Marcel) teams. Spike seems most worried with the selections, since he has no allies on Team Yellow, or with anyone who hates asshats.

Each chef must prepare a healthy, high-energy dish to serve to the judges that is fit for a professional tennis player. Then, they’ll play a game of culinary tennis with a chef from each team going head-to-head against another. The winning dish earns a point, and the first team to four points wins. Call it game, set, dinner.

The teams get together to plan. Carla tells her teammates she wants to do a vegetarian peanut soup, but Little Mad Dale dismisses her idea as “not the kind of food these people want to eat.” On Team Yellow, Spike is scheming out a plan to put their team’s worst dish against the other team’s best. Angelo seems all for it while the ladies, particularly Jamie, seem less enthused. Her strategy is simpler: “If I can avoid fighting, I’m going to avoid fighting.”

At the USTA National Tennis Center Kitchen, the teams get cooking. Despite her team’s skepticism, Carla feels confident with her dish because she is a runner and understands what athletes need to perform. Her teammate Antonia, however, never played sports in high school and “smoked a lot of pot” instead. Though, if you think about it, her history with getting the munchies should at the very least help her make something tasty.

The chefs hit a few snags: Fabio makes his gnocchi without a mixer, Angelo needs to borrow tuna from Tiffany because his mackerel is slimey, Jamie worries her dried chickpeas won’t in time, Spike butchers his shrimp and needs to make another batch. But none is as big as the hangnail — as in nail hanging off her finger — that Carla gets. She slices off half her fingernail while cooking.

Little Angry Dale says he can hear the medic telling her she should go to the hospital, but Carla declines saying “I can handle it.” This, of course, impresses him because God forbid a chef seeks care when a medical professional tells her to. He says, “Carla manned up. It’s called being a professional.” Antonia chimes in as well, comparing Carla’s injury to Jamie’s earlier injury. OK, we get it, you want people to bleed for their food. Can we give this damn “Jamie is a wuss” thing a rest?

Also, if we want to get technical, Jamie’s injury was a deep cut to her thumb, Carla’s was slicing her fingernail. Both looked painful, but as Carla said, you can’t stitch a fingernail. Moving on.

The teams set up on center court. Team Yellow tastes each other’s dishes, except for Jamie because her chickpeas are still hard. Spike says that means Jamie is up first, but Jamie insists her beans need more time to cook. Team Orange leads with Fabio, which throws off Yellow’s game plan anyway. So then they have no strategy and Casey ends up volunteering to go first.

Joining Padma, Tom, Gail and guest judge Tony is professional tennis player Taylor Dent. I’ve never heard of him but he looks a tiny bit like Taylor Lautner so I’m guessing that’s why they picked him. Cooking shows are always chasing for that important tween demographic.

Fabio’s gnocchi beats Casey’s pork loin and he celebrates like he just won the U.S. Open. Point Orange. Then Tiffani beats Little Angry Dale. Point Yellow. Next Angelo beats Marcel and he celebrates by knocking down Tre in hug gone awry. Point Yellow.

Jamie is still working on her chickpeas. She tells the camera she hopes their team wins quickly so she can “nip it in the bud and I won’t have to go at all, which will be really nice for me.” See, now that’s a strategy.

Tiffany goes up against Antonia next. As the other Tiffani notes, Angelo’s hands are all up on Tiffany’s plate — and everyone’s plates. But his meddling doesn’t help and she loses. Point Orange. Spike also gets the handsy Angelo treatment as he goes up against Blais. Spike calls him a “used car salesman” and doesn’t know if he can trust him. But he does and then loses to Blais. Point Orange.

Spike is upset at his plate-up, but even more upset at Jamie. Seriously, dude, this is a competition. No one is going to voluntarily fall on her sword for you. No one.

So now it’s down to Carla and Tre. Mike says Carla’s flavors need to develop more in her dish and predicts it will be down to him and Jamie for the last point. Look at everyone underestimating Hootie. Angelo meanwhile is cooking Tre’s fish, and it seems overdone. Has no one learned their lesson yet? Carla wins and takes the match. Team Orange celebrates accordingly.

Spike is still grumbling about them not using his strategy, but Tiffany chimes in that his plan was “stooopid!” Agreed. Jamie says she dodged a giant bullet, but felt “bad” that she didn’t have to serve. Sure you did, lucky girl.

Back in the Stew Room, the chefs are going a little loopy. At Mike’s suggestion, they all start some sort of dance off. Free wine is a hell of a thing.

One the festivities have settled down, Spike is — you guessed it — still grumbling about Jamie. Fabio, Carla, Richard and Antonia from Team Orange are up first. Padma tells them the winner will receive a trip to Italy. Gail calls their food the best she has tasted across all the seasons. But who wins the trip? Carla! Hootie Nation, represent! Later she tells the cameras she has to resist the urge to go “nah-nah-nahnahnah” to her doubtful teammates.

Then Casey, Tiffany, Tre and Spike are sent in as their point losers. After they leave, Blais turns to Jamie and this exchange happens.

Blais: Jamie, you’ve got a story going now.

Jamie:What? I’m sorry, Richard, I’m trying not to be offended by your comment.

What exactly is my story going on here?

Blais:I’m just saying it’s an odd story.

Jamie:Because I haven’t cooked?

Blais:Yeah.

Wow, Blais — d-ck move. Seriously, d-ck move. Would he have called out a male chef who didn’t “cook” like that? No one called out Mike, who also didn’t serve his dish. The only other dish she didn’t finish was the one where she sliced open her finger. But let’s not get into the whole, suck it up and cook while injured thing. Those comments from Blais were unnecessary. What were they meant to accomplish what? Earn points with the other chefs? Make Jamie feel bad? Like I said, d-ck move.

At Judges Table, Spike defends his dish by saying “I got overtaken.” Yes, he was a helpless bystander on the flavor bus as meanies Angelo and Tiffani took the wheel. Tre can only shake his head. Remember when Spike got kicked off in his season and he blamed his failure on the kitchen having frozen scallops? Blaming other people when you fail, now that’s a real “odd story,” Richard.

So who ended up getting PYKAGed? Spike. Ding, dong the asshat is dead.

But in true Spike fashion, he leaves saying he got screwed and there were a couple of chefs left still worse than him. He says, “I think some of the people’s strategy on this team was not to serve their food, and then maybe other’s strategy was maybe to screw up other people’s food.” Hey, buddy, the judges hated your shrimp, the shrimp you admitted to “butchering” on your first attempt. Man up yourself and say you got beat by better food.

He leaves with one last parting shot for Jamie saying, “At some point, you’re going to have to compete.” Yeah, I won’t miss him one bit.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button