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Skins retro recap (3.08): “Effy”

This is going to be a short recap, relatively speaking, because Santa’s coming – I know him! I know him! – and there’s not much Naomily and I’m trying to knock out 3.09 by tomorrow (so much Naomily) before we close up shop for the holidays.

I wish I had a million years to dig into this thing, though, because it’s kind of the crux of the entire second generation. I mean that retrospectively, of course. There’s no way we could have known that in real-time. It’s good, though. Real good. And when people lambaste me about loving Skins I just want to shove this episode up their nose and into their brainspace until they are set free from their ignorance and pomp.

Ahem.

The first time I watched “Effy,” – lo, those many months ago – I was entirely underwhelmed. This episode has about half the amount of dialogue as a normal Skins episode, and coming off “Naomi” and “JJ,” which both had such layered, delicious dialogue it makes my mouth water just thinking about it, “Effy” left me feeling a little empty. The second time I watched was post-S4 and it was sunshine breaking over Mordor, just an entirely different beast.

How can I say this? “Effy” is like if you sat all the characters – except Naomi and Emily and JJ – in front of the Mirror of Erised and then opened the door to a wardrobe and let a Boggart out to play. Everyone’s deepest desires and most desperate fears: reflected, magnified, mangled, slithering around and pouncing all over each other.

The most important thing, I think, is that Katie F–king Fitch came alive in series four, and I understand her now as both the antithesis to and anchor for Effy. Their stories barely make sense without each other. Katie is the key to “Effy” – and, I think it could be argued, the key to Effy – because both of their stories are about fighting the narratives they’ve constructed for themselves, and to what lengths they’ll go to preserve those narratives. But it’s flip sides of the same magnet, not just because their imaginary narratives and actual narratives are always rubbing up against each other, but because they want the exact opposite thing. And because of how reality destroys them both.

It starts here, with each of them taking it in turns to strip the other of everything that matters to her – ribbon-by-ribbon, thread-by-thread – and what they’re left with when the dance is over. (Nothing.) (Both of them: Nothing.)

Or, as my friend Jacob says: No matter how many times you squint your eyes and stomp your feet, the actual world you live in is a lot more important than the perfect world you wish you lived in.

Observe:

Effy is having an early morning perfunctory shag with Cook while her mom nibbles on some Coco Puffs downstairs. Cook squeals and grunts and Effy sort of yawns and rolls her eyes. Cook bounces immediately afterward and Effy pops to the loo for a shower – that she does not take. (Did you know the UK has something called “Loo of the Year” awards? I am dead serious. I saw some certificates hanging on the wall of a service station the first time I was in England.) Anyway, Effy’s not so much for water conservation; she just lets the shower run and run and decides to give ol’ Freds a call. It goes straight to voicemail.

Downstairs – still unshowered, mind – Effy finds Anthea roll-calling every bloke in the newspaper and declaring him a bastard. Bono and Stephen Fry are both objects of her adulterous wrath. Effy’s like, “Cook and I broke up. I’m pregnant. I’m Catherine Earnshaw. I’m not even kidding. There will be a prompt way of finishing all, when I am pushed to extremity!” And then she drops a vase and crunches over her the glass on the way out of the house, like, “XOXO, Beautiful Bomb.”

At Freddie’s shed, there’s a surprise a-waitin’ and that surprise is Katie Fitch. She’s in Freddie’s lap all smiles and Barney-colored socks and when Effy opens the door Katie actually says, “I’m not being funny. You look like microwaved shit; what’s up?” Freddie is sort of abashed, but he’s smoked so much weed that it takes him five times longer than a regular human being to respond to regular human shit, and before he can even process the actual awkwardness of the situation (or ask Effy what hair products she’s into because wouldn’t that be a nice look for him next year?) Katie’s mouth has taken over: “We want to ask you something … ” “We’re having a party …”

Katie wants Effy to drive them all to Gobbler’s End for the opposite of a pikey howdown. Real grown up stuff now that she’s part of a real couple. (We, we, we, us, us, honey, we.) Then she hops up and suggests a shower, which is just about the most selfish thing Katie has ever done. Clearly there is one person in this shed who needs to rinse off and it is not her and Freddie. How about a little hospitality, Katiekins? Hmm? You’re the Lady of the house now, are you not?

Freddie says he’ll be along shortly and Katie eyes them both suspiciously – which is the moment you know she knows her imaginary narrative is held together with previously chewed bubblegum and toilet tissue. Once she’s gone Freddie tells Effy she should come. She says, “You want me to come?” Which is about as loaded as you get. She says, “I came here to tell you something.” And it’s just so Effy: Always the truth without ever revealing anything.

On the road to Gobbler’s End we get our first glimpse at Naomi and Emily, and this is one of those times in S3 when Lily Loveless is just stunning. This episode. The transition in her wardrobe and makeup and hair – softer and softer and softer and gets closer and closer and closer to Emily – is just about the best thing. The gang stops for some petrol and Katie explains here entire character in one sentence. Effy goes, “You sure this is the right way?” And Katie says, “It’s what the map says!”

And isn’t it just? “I wanted the perfect boyfriend, the perfect marriage, everything.” (It’s what the map says!) Funny, isn’t it, how Katie and Effy spend this entire episode destroying each other’s narratives only to come full-circle and teach each other they can go off-map and write whatever story they want? (“I don’t know who I am anymore [without the map].” “I thought you were Katie F–king Fitch, [no map needed].”)

To (future) wit:

Some twats come a-callin’ at the petrol station and Katie flirts her way into some directions to Gobbler’s End. One of the Road Wankers follows Katie into the store (which is staffed with exactly zero employees) and pretends he’s going to molest her, ’cause that’s about the funniest joke! Why aren’t you laughing, teenage girl? Pretending to force sex on someone is a hoot! Katie runs screaming from the store where the other Road Wanker is randomly shooting a random rifle at a random target. Katie’s screech causes him to miss and he goes from eccentric to horror movie in 1.3 seconds. Effy’s like, “And I thought my head was a wreck!” The Scooby gang bounces and the Road Wankers try to run them off the road, but it’s just another one of their funny jokes. Like rape. A real riot, those guys! A laugh a minute!

They finally make it to Gobbler’s end and are all amazed at the wilderness-ness of the wilderness. (Well, except for Naomi and Emily, who are well acquainted with the wonder of the woods.)

And here’s where we have to start keeping score. Katie “took” Freddie from Effy, already.

Effy and Panda hold hands and are adorable until Katie takes Panda away too so they can spin in giggle about how they’ve never boned Cook. (Half-truth.)

Effy wanders off to lie in the leaves looking for all the world like the enchanted Goddess of the Grove. Seeing her here, this haunted oracle, it’s not hard to believe that she really does have a siren call; not hard to understand that she’s the rock against which a million sailors will crash their ships.

She spots some mushrooms. She grins.

Back at the camp, Effy has a seat beside Panda, her softest spot and the thread that makes her believe in the goodness of humanity. (Spoiler alert: Not for long!) They talk about how love changes, how it can’t stay the same, and Effy presents the ‘shrooms as a distraction. Illicit substance-stance-stance echos off the trees and everyone comes running. Katie flips out about how: a) It’s kind of dumb to eat fungus off the forest floor, and b) Stop hijacking my grown-up party with your childish hijinks, bitch. (Don’t destroy my narrative: Belle of the ball, half of a happy couple, hostess extraordinaire! Don’t go off the map!)

Emily bounds over wagging her tail, all, “Treat? Treats! For me? The Cutest Human Ever!” Katie says, “Emily, don’t you f–king dare.” Naomi – flipping Katie’s switch to Nuclear Wrath in time for the next episode – says, “Don’t listen to her Em.” And just like that, Effy has taken everything back again.

(I couldn’t screencap the next scene ’cause it was too dark, so have some bonus Naomily!)

Oh, those two – even when they’re not involved with the action, they’re stealing the show.

Everyone gets to trippin’ with sparklers! Hallucinogens and explosives: always a heady combination! In their post-‘shroom haze, everyone cuddles up on the ground: Effy and Panda, Katie and Freddie. In the night, in the dark, in the throes of drug-induced euphoria, Effy and Freddie’s hands reach for each other of their own volition. And like a prayer whispered on behalf of everyone who has the courage to reach through the cat flap, Emily says into the darkness:

That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Forget about all that other shit. It’s not about that; it’s about everything else. Like when you open your eyes at night and you see that face? You can’t breathe because you’re that happy.

Next thing you know, Katie’s shouting at Effy about how she’s pathetic, and then everyone gets real pathetic – huddled on the ground and “put out the fire!” – because they’re either under attack by werewolves or Road Wankers or – oh, wait: it’s only Cook.

Cook’s like, “Surprise! The gun shots weren’t me; that was some psychos, but also: Hahaha! What a bunch of pussies you all are!”

You can count the number of people who are excited to see him on no hands. Hang on. I forgot to say: Cook showed up at Effy’s earlier with black forest gateau. Anthea took his pudding and left him with: Yeah, Effy broke up with you. And that’s why Cook showed up the way he did. Well, no. Cook showed up the way he did because he’s a dick. But he showed up at all because Anthea said, “Gobbler’s End, a party to which you are not invited.” (The last time he attended a party he wasn’t invited to, he bonked Panda and Effy and found a secret sex room. So, I guess, you know, I can’t hate too hard. Classical conditioning and all that.)

Everyone, including JJ, tells him to GTFO and GDIF and LOL, WHY DO YOU BUTTON YOUR SHIRTS LIKE THAT? And since Cook’s not so much a boy who can take his toys and go home (but more like a boy who will set your toys and his toys on fire in an unforgettable explosion) he drops the following bombs: a) Effy is in love with Freddie. And b) Panda has been making monkey with him.

(Naomi looks at Emily, like, “Me? You? Our lake? Like now?”)

Thomas already knows about the cheating, of course, but he runs (like a dog) back to Bristol anyway. To the Effy news, Katie says, “So? Why should we care? Freddie’s with me now. Right, Freddie? Freddie? FREDDIE!”

Once again, Freddie’s inability to respond to things in a timely manner is crucial. Katie shoves a map in his face and the story she wrote where she’s a princess and he’s a prince and babies and kittens and hostess and happily ever after, and he’s just staring off into the night all, “Why so sad, moon? The sun will be back to play in the morning!”

Katie and Effy both wander off into the woods to get some fresh air and perspective and fisticuffs. It’s an insane scene. Kattie cries and begs Effy not to take Freddie away. And then Katie is on top of her – and not in an awesome fanfiction.net kind of way – shouting about how Effy is a slut and also there are bugs all over her. It’s either some serious terrorist-level psychological warfare or Effy is for real tripping. It’s both. It’s purposefully confusing. I will side with Katie because that’s what I do – but let’s not rule out the possibility of torture.

It’s not that Katie’s unhinged; it’s self-preservation. I mean, what is Katie’s whole deal? She has created an entire self-propaganda campaign about how she is the center of a world that includes: happy parents, an identical twin, the envy of her peers, a doting boyfriend, and the promise of a castle where she’ll raise her children to be princes and princesses too. (It’s what the map says!) The biggest threat to that imaginary story is lying on the ground in front of her: the Goddess of the Grove, and she knows Freddie is going to wreck himself on her.

People go nuts when they feel like they’re about to lose everything.

Have you guys ever read Christopher Browning’s Ordinary Men? It’s a book about German Reserve Police Battalion 101 during World War II, and how it wasn’t comprised of trained soldiers but of middle-aged dentists and lawyers and chefs. It explores how even though they could have opted out of grisly war crimes, only 15 (out of 500) chose to do it. The book made big waves in the academic community about 20 years ago because it was about the way these regular ol’ guys were driven to extreme measures, not because of bloodlust or hatred, but because we are all capable of some morally reprehensible shit given the right circumstances.

I’m not comparing Katie’s little fit here to the Holocaust, don’t misunderstand me. I’m just saying: The nightmare of human capacity is fascinating.

(And here’s one thing I’ve never understood about the way people come at me about Skins – Verbatim on multiple occasions: “How dare you act like this show is high art?” I mean, it’s never about “Overwrought, much?” or “Psychoanalytic narrative critique really leaves me cold.” Which are both valid criticisms. It’s always, “It makes me sick the way Skins draws you in and begs you to go wider and grow deeper and call to memory literature and history and music and whatever liberal arts thing.” And my feeling is that it’s not really about Skins for those people. It’s about their thing? And how if I say something awesome about Skins it means I’m not saying something awesome about their thing? Like there’s some sort of quantum abnormality surrounding TV that will only allow a person to love one show? Which: Whatever. Stand over there and squeal about quantifying art and I’ll be over here enjoying the hell out of something I adore. And maybe I’ll talk about history books while I’m doing it.)

Anyway, Effy just wants it to stop, wants is all to stop, so she picks up a rock and gives Katie a nine-stitches wallop to the noggin.

Guess what then? Freddie wanders into the woods and crashes his ship. (You could watch “Effy” on mute while listening to the entirety of Bon Iver’s For Emma, Forever Ago and you’d feel the same feelings.)

The next morning, Naomi and Emily emerge from their tent as cute as a pair of buttons on a jumper worn by a puppy asleep in front of a fire in front of a Christmas tree wrapped in fairy lights and ornaments made from cookie dough. Naomi plucks a leaf from Emily’s hair and they giggle. JJ pops out of the tent talking about, “You girls sure do like to wriggle!” And they grin some more and stare at the ground and are perfect from every angle under the sun.

Freddie and Effy return from their romp. Ems is like, “So, Katie? Looks like me but with infinitely more animal print: seen her?” Freddie looks up at the sky: “See, moon! I told you the sunshine would be back to play!”

Everyone searches for Katie but she is nowhere to be found, so, you know, they just drive away. Emily included. And I’m calling bullshit because let me tell you a story: One time my dog ran off in the woods when I was hiking and I called and called and called her and waited and waited and waited for 18 HOURS until she came back. OK? And I’d still be out there in that forest just a-hollerin’ if she hadn’t returned. YEARS LATER. STILL WAITING. So if you think I’d leave my sister out there? No. F–k no. You could drug me and reason with me and hit me in the head with a rock and I still wouldn’t go.

Effy stops on the way to call the police and explain about the head-beatin’ she delivered to her friend, and then she goes home and Anthea gives her a bath to the tune of Effy’s own narrative:

Happiness / hit her / like a train on a track

Coming towards her / stuck still / no turning ba-ck

She hid around corners / and she hid under beds /

She killed it with kisses and from it she fl-ed /

With e-very bubble she sank with a drink /

And wa-shed it away down the kitchen sink.

Which: Exact opposite of Katie’s narrative, right? Katie needs structure; Effy needs freedom. Katie bottles love; Effy destroys it. Katie feels destined to shine forever; Effy feels destined to burn up hard and bright. Katie searches for commitment; Effy flees from it. And here they are. What map?

Effy phones and phones and phones and finally Freddie lets her know they found Katie, that she’s going to be OK. By the time Effy arrives at the hospital, Katie has told everyone her side of what happened. And I say “her side” because when Freddie says to Effy: “She pulled your hair, you hit her with a rock,” it does sound horrible. But the real story is: “She took my thing and I took hers; in the Mirror of Erised, we saw what we wanted, what we feared. She saw a life without love. I saw myself going mad. We bled.”

Freddie shakes an epic head shake and leaves. Effy tries to explain herself to Emily – she blessed them by the by the moonlight, after all – but Emily is just sad. She leaves too.

And then Effy is in the car with Cook going who knows where. He says it’s just them now, together. Effy lights a cigarette and watches as the flame dies.

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