“Rizzoli & Isles” Retro Subtext Recap (1.07): Last one there is a rotten egg


It’s race day. Boston is buzzing. Crowds are gathering. Jane Rizzoli is looking for Maura Isles. All seems right with the world. Inside The Dirty Robber (seriously, how did I just now realize the cop bar they hang out at is called The Dirty Robber?), Frankie asks Jane why she is in the race since she hates running. She says she promised a “friend.” Sure, I always agree to run 26.2 miles for someone who is just a “friend.” On cue, Maura bounds in all smiles and twinkle toes. OK, I don’t know exactly if her toes are twinkling but they’re sure visible in her Vibram FiveFinger running shoes. Shoes called “FiveFinger?” Wow, leave it to the gay ladies to find those.

Jane is dismayed by the footwear, probably because she is worried they’ll become the new Birkenstocks and the last thing we need is lesbians investing in more tragic footwear. Maura, meanwhile, is dismayed that Jane is wearing a T-shirt and shorts over the matching spandex racing outfits she had made for them. Matching outfits already — how sweet.

Said matching outfits are for the charity Jane and Maura are supporting: Professionals for Underprivileged Kids of Excellence, otherwise known as P.U.K.E. Hmm, guess none of the professionals majored in English and were able to warn them of their very unfortunate acronym choice. Though, if you ask me, this whole P.U.K.E. business is just an elaborate excuse for Maura and Jane to ogle each other’s chests. In which case, Mission: Accomplished.

Jane snaps at Maura that they are racing because “we wanted to do something together” and not to run looking like “Lady P.U.K.E. Gaga.” So, wait, there’s also a meat component to this outfit? But Maura takes Jane’s rejection of her outfit personally and starts to tear up. Pulling the Crying Card and wearing matching outfits? No, they aren’t in a relationship or anything.

Of course, it works. Maura cries, Jane takes off her shirt. Nicely played, Dr. Isles.

At the starting line Maura tells Jane that runner’s high should kick in around mile 12, and “the endorphins are comparable to orgasm.” Or, you could just cut to the chase and have sex now. I’m just saying, as a time saving measure.

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