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“Grey’s Anatomy” minicap: “That’s Me Trying”

I wasn’t planning on recapping Grey’s Anatomy this week because I assumed Callie and Arizona were going to be residing in Africa (i.e. Jessica Capshaw was giving birth) and there would be no Calzona storyline to report. To my happy surprise, this week’s episode, “That’s Me Trying,” starts off with Callie and Arizona still packing for their trip.

While Callie wraps the breakables, Arizona stands in the kitchen with McSteamy and offers him their appliances so she doesn’t have to put them in storage for three years. Calzona reveals that they are traveling to Malawi, Africa. Apparently actresses who are gay for pay LOVE Malawi. In fact, The L Word’s Jenny Schecter (actress Mia Kirshner) founded a humanitarian organization, I live here, which lends support to the people of Malawi.

Arizona gives McSteamy Callie’s waffle maker and then tries to hand over Callie’s French press. Callie snaps and says to Arizona, “Stop giving my stuff away.” Callie has a lot of fond memories involving that French press.

Meredith and Derek emerge from the elevator and pass Cristina in the hallway. The ladies avoid each other like the plague. Derek asks Meredith why they are being so “icy” towards each other. Meredith explains that Cristina confessed her love to her and then Cristina kissed her on the mouth. It was the most passionate kiss Meredith has ever had and now she is confused about her sexuality. Ok, none of that happened but I should totally be hired to be a writer for Grey’s Anatomy, right? I know what their lesbian audience wants!

Anyway, Derek thinks the “iciness” is because Owen received the grant instead of him (men always makes it about them!) but Meredith assures him that is not the case. Speaking of Owen’s grant, Meredith and the rest of the Seattle Grace Residents must attend Owen’s mandatory trauma certification lab.

Owen asks Cristina to help him with the trauma lab but Teddy swoops in with some good news. Their patient from last week (Mr. Bad Lungs) is getting a new pair of lungs. Wow, that was fast! I thought most patients in need of organs are on the donor list waiting for month, maybe even years to get new organs. Although, they aren’t exactly “new” organs, they are pre-owned organs. I wonder if the pre-owned ones have cheaper financing.

Attention anyone who needs a lung transplant! Move to Seattle immediately, lungs grow on trees there!

Alex, April (ugh, I hate her!), Avery and Meredith gather for the trauma certification lab and complain about how they don’t want to be there. Just like every day I sat through high school history. Alex says the lab will just entail lame exercises with crash dummies.

Suddenly, Owen runs in screaming that he needs help. A Greyhound bus crashed and there are many people with multiple blood trauma injuries and there are mass casualties. If I worked at the Greyhound bus ad sales department, I wouldn’t be happy with this product placement.

The doctors spring into gear and run through the hallways and out the door to find dozens of bloody dummies lying on the sidewalk. Don’t worry everyone, it is still safe to ride the Greyhound Bus lines because Owen was lying and no real people were actually hurt. Let the trauma training begin!

Owen splits the doctors up into teams of four. Each team is responsible for nine patients, err, dolls. The teams are competing with one another to see who can fix up their patients before an imaginary helicopter comes to rescue them. The teams wear colored strips on their uniforms and get ready to race into an ambulance, which is supplied with all the tools they need. The doctors line up just like in gym class dodge ball and race to the ambulance. I volunteer to do mouth-to-mouth on all the dummies! Don’t judge me, practice makes perfect.

The aim is to get their patients on the helicopter alive. If they can do that, then they get certified.

Lexie and McSteamy team up to work with a young woman who wants gluteal implants. The patient wants a bigger butt very badly. Ain’t nothing wrong with a nice ass.

Cristina checks in on Mr. Bad Lungs and his daughter walks in to see him. Cristina backs away to give Mr. Bad Lungs and his daughter a minute to speak alone and Mr. Bad Lungs immediately goes into cardiac arrest. And I thought I had issues with my dad.

Cristina freezes in her tracks as some random no-faced nurses rush in to help Mr. Bad Lungs. Mr. Bad Lung’s daughter snaps at Cristina, “Aren’t you the doctor? Do something!” Hey, don’t yell at Cristina! To quote Kathy Griffin, “I don’t come to your job and slap the d–ks out of your mouth!”

It turns out that Mr. Bad Lungs not only needs two new lungs, he also needs a heart transplant. Someone is becoming an organ glutton!

McSteamy stops Bailey in the hallway and invites her to the going away party he’s planning for Callie and Arizona. McSteamy hints that he also needs Bailey to stop what she’s doing in order to go pick up the cupcakes for the party. Needless to say, that is not going to happen. The “Nazi” doesn’t do errands for anyone. I on the other hand, am always available to pickup cupcakes.

Callie is in a medical closet packing up some office supplies (actually it looks like she’s stealing the supplies) and Arizona walks in and shows off all the artwork that her young patients made for her to say goodbye. Callie scoffs at Arizona’s paper hat and says that gauze is more important then artwork made of macaroni. At least Arizona didn’t steal the macaroni artwork! Quick Callie hide your thievery, the Chief is coming.

The Chief interrupts Calzona’s conversation and tells them they will both do great work in Malawi although he is upset that he’ll have to replace both of them. Callie’s eyes widen at the idea of being replaced. Then the Chief turns to Callie and says, “It’s a shame Torres. I had such big plans for you. Big plans.” The Chief walks off and Callie’s wheels immediately begin to turn. What could these “big plans” be? I vote for a life size Callie statue placed in the cafeteria. No wait, not the cafeteria, that’s Teddy’s turf.

Bailey is in the morgue with pathologist Dr. Stanley (no relation to the vacuum.) They are preparing to do an autopsy on Mandy Moore. Last week, Mandy died unexpectedly, but her music still lives on. Bailey feels guilty and wants to know what exactly went wrong and killed Mandy.

Outside at the trauma lab, the blue team – composed of Avery, April, Meredith and Alex (hey, what are the odds that they main characters on this show are all on the same team?) – are trying to save their dummies’ lives. April can’t figure out what’s wrong with her dummy and Meredith tells her that’s because the dummy that she’s working on is already dead. (I could have told her that.)

Owen looks on at his students and sees Cristina standing in the parking lot, staring into space. Owen walks over to Cristina and sees that she’s visibly shaken up. He asks about her patient, Mr. Bad Lungs, and she says she’s “handling it.” Then her beeper goes off and Cristina walks away. Owen stops her and says, “Cristina, you can do this.” Cristina says she knows she can. Owen calls Meredith over and tells her she’s certificated in trauma training so she can therefore leave the program and go inside help Cristina with her patient.

Meredith goes to help Cristina but Cristina doesn’t want her help. She tells Meredith to leave and go update Mr. Bad Lung’s daughter about her father’s status.

It’s time for Owen to check in on all his trauma teams. Blue teams goes first (shocker!). April rattles off what is wrong which all of their dummies and how they have treated each of them. Owen says “wrong” and changes the game by adding additional symptoms to their patients causing complications and killing some of them. April screams, “That’s not fair!” Life isn’t fair April!

Just then it starts to rain. Well it is Seattle, what do you expect?

Bailey is dissecting Mandy Moore while the pathologist chews gum and argues on the phone with a restaurant hostess. Bailey keeps trying to find signs of what could have killed Mandy and the pathologist keeps telling her that everything looks normal.

McSteamy listens to Callie rant about the “big plans” that the Chief might have had for her. Callie says she has big plans of her own. She’s going to make unbreakable joints out of blood diamonds (don’t tell Naomi Campbell) and artificial limbs out of elephant ivory. McSteamy says that’s not a good idea and he’s pretty sure it’s illegal. When did McSteamy start following the rules?

April, Alex and Avery struggle in the rain as the green team of doctors (that we don’t know or care about) finish and get their trauma certification. Only the blue team (full of our doctors) and the red team (full of random actors) remain in the game.

Meredith speaks to Mr. Bad Lungs’s daughter, who pleads for her father’s life. She doesn’t want her last word to him to have been unkind. Meredith races back to Cristina and sees that Mr. Bad Lungs isn’t doing well. Well his name is “Mr. Bad Lungs,” what do they expect?

Bailey is still digging inside Mandy Moore and pulling organs out of her body. The pathologist decides to break for lunch and Bailey tries to stop her. The pathologist is insistent that she eat her PB & J and leaves Bailey alone with the Mandy’s dismantled body. Then Bailey breaks into a version of “Candy.” Ok, that didn’t happen, but wouldn’t it be awesome if it did?

Lexie and McSteamy debate the importance of their patient’s upcoming butt implant. Lexie thinks the patient wants the surgery for all the wrong reasons. What exactly are the “right reasons” for getting a butt implant?

Their butt patient, Christy, explains to Lexie and McSteamy that she’s getting a “big, juicy, easy to grab onto ass” solely for herself. Christy is tired of not being able to fit into a pair of jeans unless she shops in the boys department. Um, my wife’s jeans are from the boys department.

Owen announces that only team that has still not completed the trauma training is the blue team. An annoyed April pretends to hear the imaginary helicopter so they can finish up the exercise. Avery says, “Screw this” and gets up and walks back into the hospital. Owen calls after him and tells him to come back and Avery says “No, sir.”

Back in the morgue, Bailey and the pathologist bicker about Mandy Moore’s inconclusive autopsy. The pathologist removes Mandy’s brain and insists it needs to soak for two weeks. Bailey doesn’t want to wait that long and immediately opens a bottle of Chianti and a can of fava beans. (Get it?) The pathologist tells Bailey that she knows how to do her job and that Bailey should stop questioning her.

Meredith goes to check in on Cristina and Mr. Bad Lungs. Cristina says that patient is stable but she can’t go outside and give an update to his daughter. Cristina reveals that she’s scared all the time when she’s working. Meredith says she can help her and Cristina snaps at her, “You can’t help me!”

Callie and Arizona walk into the doctor’s lounge and into their surprise going away party. Arizona glows with joy while Callie complains about how small the turn out is, with only Lexie, McSteamy, and the Chief there to send them off.

Callie walks up to the Chief and asks about his “big plans” that he had for her. The Chief says he doesn’t want to give his secrets away and then leaves the jumping party. Arizona (being perfect and adorable as always) tells Callie that the Chief is just messing with her head with talk of these imaginary “big plans.” Callie picks up a cupcake and eats the top off and says, “Well, I’ll never know. Will I?”

Arizona thanks McSteamy and Lexie for the party and excuses herself so she can go home and finish packing. Callie turns to Lexie and McSteamy and says she doesn’t want to go home yet. (Who wouldn’t want to go home with Jessica Capshaw? A crazy person, that’s who!)

McSteamy gives Callie an alternative option, “You want to see us give a woman a really big ass?” To which Callie responds the only way one could, “Oh my God, yes!”

Alex and April are still outside in the rain doing compressions on their dummies. A soaked April looses it and picks up the dummies and starts loading them into the ambulance. Owen yells at her that she’s not allowed to use the ambulance but she must wait for the helicopter to save them. April doesn’t care and gets in the passenger seat and drives the dummies around to the other side of the hospital. She gets out and starts dragging the dummies in the hospital like she’s a Neanderthal.

Owen gives up and says that the blue teams “wins” the competition. I’m not really sure how they “won” since the other teams finished hours earlier. Anyway, the blue team gets their trauma certification and April jumps for joy and hugs Alex. (Is that sexual foreshadowing between April and Alex? I really hope not.)

Cristina and Meredith hang out on the hospital’s roof waiting for Teddy and the new lungs to arrive via helicopter. Cristina tells Meredith to go back downstairs with the patient and Meredith says no, they have to talk.

Cristina begins to cry and asks Meredith how she is doing fine after the shooting. Cristina tells her, “I am ruined, OK? I am dead.” Then Cristina drops the bombshell, “Why are you OK? You were there too. You were there too with your sad eyes. Screaming at me to save his life. You were telling the guy to shoot you and not giving a crap about yourself and your pregnancy. I didn’t have a choice and you did that. If it were anyone else on the table, if it was anyone else standing there I would have walked away. I could have walked away and then I wouldn’t be here.”

Wow, Cristina blames Meredith for her PTSD.

Meredith and Cristina stare at each other in silence. Cristina has tears streaming down her face as the helicopter finally arrives. Teddy and Cristina walk into the hospital and get ready to operate on Mr. Bad Lungs and Meredith remains on the roof, alone.

Callie and McSteamy are locked arm in arm and are talking about how much they are going to miss each other. McSteamy hints that he has something to say to Callie. Callie nudges him to just say it.

McSteamy: I give a lot of boob jobs.

Callie: Ok. Not where I thought you were going.

McSteamy: But I also reverse a lot of boob jobs. As your friend I gotta tell you, you sound a lot like someone who’s getting double Ds just cuz your girlfriend likes a big rack. By “big rack” I mean Africa.

Callie: I love her Mark.

McSteamy: I know you do. But you need to figure out how to love Africa too.

Then Callie gives McSteamy a big hug. So wait, Africa has big boobs? Why didn’t anyone tell me sooner? I’m going to Africa!

Owen threatens to drag Avery outside by the throat until he finishes his trauma training. Avery agrees to finish the training (not that he really had a choice). Are doctors allowed to physically threaten one another? Is that part of their “medical code”? I don’t remember Cliff Huxtable ever yelling at anyone, except Theo.

Before Teddy can give Mr. Bad Lungs his new lungs, she must take care of his failing heart. Mr. Bad Lungs’s heart starts beating normally again and Teddy says, “Nice work Dr. Yang. Well done.” Cristina sighs with relief.

Callie and Arizona walk through the airport with their carry on bags in hand. Callie is talking non-stop about the lack of things to do in Africa. Arizona suddenly stops walking, and Callie turns to her and asks if she forgot her passport. She didn’t.

Arizona says, “I won the Carter Madison Grant!” Callie looks at Arizona like she’s thinking, “Duh! That’s why we’re going to Malawi.”

Arizona: Do you know how rare that is? Do you know how special that is? This is the biggest opportunity of my professional career! I get to change lives. That’s the dream. I am living the dream. I am over the moon about it or I would be but you are ruining it for me. First with your whining and now with your fake passive aggressive enthusiasm. You are ruining Africa for me!

Callie: I’m not.

Arizona: You are!

Callie: Ok, fine I don’t want to Africa. Ok? But I do want to be with you. Ok, so I’m really trying here. We’re going to miss our plane, let’s go!

Callie walks towards the plane but Arizona stands in place. Callie turns around again.

Callie: Oh my God. OK, you wanna fight. The flight is 18 hours, we can fight on the plane.

Arizona: You’re ruining this for me. And I don’t want to do this.

Callie: What does that mean? You suddenly don’t want to go?

Arizona: I don’t want to go to Africa with you.

Callie: Arizona. No, OK. No.

Arizona: I’m sorry.

Callie: You’re sorry? It’s three years!

Arizona: I’m going to miss my plane. You take care of yourself.

Arizona walks past Callie and Callie starts to tear up. Callie turns and screams “No” towards Arizona.

Callie: No! No! Please. Please, I can, we can, we can do this. We can figure this out.

Arizona: You stay here and be happy. And I’ll go there and be happy.

Callie: If you get on that plane, if you go without me we are done. Do you hear me? We are over.

Arizona: We’re standing in the middle of an airport screaming at each other. We’re already over.

Then Arizona turns and walks toward her plane and part of my soul dies.

At this point, I would usually write a fake letter to Shonda Rhimes and ask her why she is torturing Calzona’s faithful lesbian audience. But I know this isn’t the work of Shonda Rhimes. No, Shonda is not the one to blame. You know who’s to blame? Jessica Capshaw’s new baby girl Eve Augusta! Apparently Eve was so selfish she couldn’t stay inside of her mother’s womb until the Grey’s season was over and this “break up” storyline was created so Jessica could give birth to her. What a brat!

OK, obviously I’m kidding. Although I watched this airport breakup scene at least ten times, seriously ten. I’m not worried about the future of Calzona. All the couples on Grey’s go through this breakup get back together cycle. And there are two very important things to remember:

1. Arizona is a very popular character and there is NO way they would get rid of Jessica Capshaw.

2. It has been reported that Jessica Capshaw has already returned to the Grey’s set and is shooting more episodes.

So here’s my premonition on the future of Calzona:There will be a few weeks of Callie alone, missing Arizona and then she’ll have a How Stella Got Her Groove Back breakthrough and finally get back to her old ways. And just then Arizona is going to show up, surprise Callie and propose to her because she realized that she loves and needs Callie even more than she loves and needs the tiny humans in Malawi.

What are your predictions on Calzona’s future storyline?

Ok, quickly, back to the rest of this episode, already in progress:

The Chief walks up to Cristina and congratulates her terrific work with Mr. Bad Lungs. Cristina thanks him and asks if she can speak with him for a moment.

At the local bar Alex tells April that he always wants to be on her team since she’s so aggressive. While Alex swigs his beer, April looks him up and down which tells me that Shonda Rhimes is going to have April lose her virginity to Alex in an upcoming episode. Did anyone else read that from April’s look? April should watch that episode in Season One in which George and a bunch of other interns were diagnosed with STDs and it all traced back to Alex. Why do women keep sleeping with him?

Meredith is at home in her bedroom and Derek walks in and sits down next to her. Meredith tells Derek that Cristina blames her for everything and hates her. Derek hugs Meredith.

Back at Seattle Grace, Owen is still working with Avery on his training. Cristina walks out of the hospital and Owen asks how her day was. Cristina says, “I quit. You were right. I can do it. I can still be a surgeon. I just don’t want to anymore.”

Owen is shocked and tells Avery he can stop working on the dummy. Cristina looks up at the night sky and gives a big sign of relief.

And I also let out a big sign of relief. What an eventful and emotional episode! OK ladies, what do you think is going to happen with Calzona? And how long will it be before Cristina picks up her scalpel again?

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