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“Grey’s Anatomy” minicap: “These Arms of Mine”

It’s nighttime at Seattle Grace hospital. A documentary camera crew is following the staff around and filming everything. The camera person seems to have a very shaky hand. Haven’t these filmmakers ever heard of a steady cam?

They rent for as little as $75 a day.

An ambulance speeds by and pulls up to the hospital. Owen races past the camera screaming, “Some one page Dr. Shepherd!” Meredith tells the camera crew that she and Cristina are on trauma rotation. It is their job to assess each medical emergency it arrives.

Then cut to the OR where Owen, Meredith and Cristina are working vigorously on a patient but it’s not looking good. Derek stands outside the OR and looks in. He tells the camera, “I was paged to assess the patient’s head trauma.” I swear every time Derek speaks I feel like he’s smiling with his eyes. Smizing! Could Tyra Banks be behind this?

Inside the OR, Owen announces that the patient is brain dead. Derek jumps into action and enters the room to see if the patient is a donor. (I am a donor and I encourage you all to become donors too. I want to be cremated and sprinkled in Cristina Yang’s cereal.)

Owen, Derek and McSteamy chit chat and confirm, yes, the patient is a donor. Ok, let’s get to harvesting!

A muscular male patient stands shirtless and explains to the camera crew that he’s been waiting for a transplant for two years. The camera pans to his little petite wife who is excited about the possibilities of the surgery and then the camera pans back over to reveal that the male patient is missing both of his arms just above his elbows. Let’s refer to him as Mr. No-Arms.

Then there is a montage of news footage about the Seattle Grace Hospital.

The voice over of the montage says, “Today we visit the survivors, their patients, their triumphs and their disappointments. This is Seattle Medical: Road to Recovery.”

Chief Webber explains to the camera crew they he wants to make the hospital safer. The hospital now has more security guards (More? I don’t remember ever seeing any security guards before. Can I get a job being a background security guard? One that needs medical attention and a hug from Dr. Cristina Yang?) Seattle Grace now has automatic security doors and check points, through which every one must pass in order to be admitted into the hospital. The once-again-brunette Lexie can’t get past the security guards because her new darker hair doesn’t match her old-blonde-haired ID photo. Lexie yells for the Chief to help her get past the guards and he hustles over to her.

Cristina and Meredith sit down with the camera crew and explain that they are “good friends.” Is it just me or is there some serious subtext going on here? I was “good friends” with a girl named Sarah in high school. Yes, she was a very “good friend” indeed.

Derek then tells the camera crew, “Yes, Dr. Yang and my wife have sleepovers. In my bed. With me in it.” Once again, the Seattle Grace staff needs some serious therapy.

Alex checks in on a young female patient who is blasting Justin Bieber music throughout the hallway. Let’s refer to her as Baby Bieber. Alex asks Baby Bieber to lower her music, “The rest of us don’t have Bieber fever. Whatever that means.” I think we all know what that means Alex.

Mandy Moore is back playing Mary Portman. Mandy was in the hospital the day of the shooting. Bailey was supposed to perform her surgery but never got the chance, so Mandy is back at Seattle Grace to get it over with once and for all. If I were Mandy Moore I would never go back to Seattle Grace again. I would also never have agreed to do the movie Chasing Liberty. Mandy, I have a bad feeling about this so here is a list of other hospitals in and around the Seattle area for you to consider as an alternative to Seattle Grace.

Bailey sees Mandy and gives her a hug. Bailey says she doesn’t usually hug her patients, but she’s a huge fan of the song “Candy.”

In pediatrics, Baby Bieber’s airways are blocked and Arizona and Alex fight to save her life. Baby Bieber has a growth on her windpipe and even though it has been treated before, it keeps growing back. Lily cries and then I start to cry. Am I starting to like children? False alarm! I just had some glitter in my contact leftover from last weekend’s Halloween party.

The arm donor’s wife has to come to the hospital to sign paperwork to allow the doctors to take her husband’s extremities. The arm donor was in a motorcycle accident, which his wife refers to as a “donorcycle” accident. Wow, that’s grim. My wife knows she is no longer allowed to even think about that Honda Rebel she keeps mentioning. Donorcycle’s wife cries and says she wants to help but she is upset at the thought of someone else holding her husband’s hand. Creepy.

McSteamy talks to the camera crew about Derek. McSteamy tells them that he and McDreamy grew up together, they both slept with Addison Shepherd, (OK, he didn’t mention Addison. Am I the only one who’s still not over that betrayal?) and that Derek is his better half. First Meredith and her “good friend” Cristina and now this! This episode is super gay!

Apparently there has only been one successful bilateral arm transplant in the world, and McSteamy and Derek are ready to be the second. Derek and McSteamy brag to the camera about their medical brilliance and refer to themselves as “titans.” The camera moves over to Callie and we see her roll her eyes. I love her.

Mr. No Arms lost his arms four year ago working as a logger. His wife tells the doctors and the camera crew has to do a lot for her armless husband, like wipe his dirty butt. Shondra Rhimes, Do we really need that visual?

Mandy tells Bailey that since her last visit to Seattle Grace Hospital she and her husband have traveled the world. The mass shootings made her realize that life is too short. Mandy whispers to the camera crew that after the surgery is over she wants to have lots and lots of babies.

While Bailey works with Mandy then the hospital’s security alarm goes off and is screeching throughout the building. Bailey tries to calm Mandy down by saying it’s just a false alarm. It’s OK Mandy Moore, just sing a couple of bars of Candy and you’ll be fine.

The Chief admits to the camera crew that the hospital’s security system has a few kinks but he believes everyone feels better with its presence. There is a knock at the Chief’s office door and Arizona pops her cute little perfect blonde head in the door. She sees the camera and offers to come back later. The Chief gets up and congratulations Arizona because she has been awarded the Carter Madison grant. Yippee!!! What does that mean?

Then Arizona tells Teddy about her grant and Teddy gives her a big hug. Yippee, ok, what does the grant mean? Arizona tells the camera crew that she applied for the grant two years ago, when she was single. Then the camera crew shows a beautiful shot of Callie and Arizona walking, holding hands and kissing as they enter the hospital. I love me some Calzona! And cheese calzones with marinara sauce. Mmmm … Damn it! Why did I have to start Weight Watchers today?

Arizona says the grant is bigger than she is and it’s an opportunity of a lifetime therefore she’s accepting the grant. Then Arizona drops the bombshell, “That just means I’m moving to Africa.” WHAT?

Dear Shondra Rhimes,

For seven seasons I’ve watched Grey’s Anatomy religiously. In that time you have put me and the Seattle Grace staff through so much trauma and pain.

Meredith and Cristina both had a miscarriages, Callie was homeless and living in the hospital, George O’Malley was killed, Izzy had sex with a ghost and got cancer, Lexie broke McSteamy’s penis, Cristina was left at the altar by Burke, Dr. Erica Hahn vanished without a trace with no closure to her storyline, Bailey performed surgery on a Nazi, Derek was shot and almost died, Lexie’s mother died from the hiccups, George’s father died, Meredith’s mother died and you even added April to the cast!

And how could I forget that Seattle Grace flooded, there was a bomb located inside of a patient and of course the terrifying mass murder in which 11 doctors were killed.

There has been so much sadness and so many traumatic storylines that have occurred on Grey’s Anatomy over the last seven seasons. I have stuck by the show through thick and thin but I won’t let you take away my Jessica Capshaw. Do you hear me? I won’t let you take my baby!

Love,

Bridget

Mr. No-Arms and his wife are excited about the upcoming surgery. (Probably because of that whole “wiping the butt” situation.) While prepping the Donorcyclist’s arms for surgery, Lexie notices something and asks Callie to come over to review it. The Donorcyclist has the name “Nicole” tattooed on his arm.

Callie and McSteamy are concerned that Mr. No-Arms will now not want the arms because he’ll have to see the name Nicole (the donor’s wife name) for the rest of his life. If I had no arms I would have no problem dealing with a little tattoo. Especially if the wife was hot! I’d take Bill Clinton’s arms any day.

Lexi’s security card identification card still doesn’t work. I always thought she looked better as a blonde anyway.

Baby Bieber needs to have a CAT scan but she can’t take her iPod into the CAT scan machine with her. To make Baby Bieber feel better Alex sings a Justin Bieber song over the intercom. More proof that this is the gayest Grey’s episode to date!

While Meredith and Cristina are prepping a patient, Cristina cops out of the surgery. She claims she’s going to wait for the next surgery to come in but instead she goes off to hide out in an exam room.

Alex has Baby Bieber’s labs and goes to deliver them to Arizona. Alex walks in on Callie and Arizona arguing. Callie yells at Arizona, “I thought we were happy.” Alex offers to come back later but Callie storms out and says, “Whatever, we’re done anyway.”

Callie tells the camera that she understands that Arizona’s grant is an incredible opportunity. But if the tables were turned Callie would turn the grant down and wouldn’t even consider leaving the country and her sweet Arizona. Callie didn’t actually say Arizona’s name, but it’s totally implied.

Baby Bieber receives a tremendously bad diagnosis. If Arizona operates then Baby Bieber will most likely die and if she doesn’t operate then Baby Bieber will most likely die. Arizona is heading to Africa and now an innocent child must die? Shondra Rhimes, what is going on in your warped mind? Do you need a hug? I do.

Owen and Callie are prep to cut off the Donorcyclist’s arms. Callie explains to April that she must tag all the arm’s arteries to know which ones to connect to Mr. No-Arm’s arties. Let the arm chopping begin!

Meanwhile, Lexie is once again trying to get through security with no luck. She runs past security and the alarms go off. The hospital is now on locked down.

Thanks a lot Lexie! The hospital doors are locked and some of the doctors and patients are trapped. Avery is stuck between a small corridor and his patient starts to code. Teddy tries to calm Avery down by coaching him through the glass doors. But Avery is in the zone doing compressions on the patient’s chest and screaming that he needs to get out of the locked hallway. Teddy races around and finally finds a security guard. She screams at the security guard to override the alarm system or else she’ll report him. (Then she tells him to meet her in the cafeteria at 3 pm. I’m kidding!)

The alarm system eventually gets shut off and Teddy rushes in to help Avery. Avery has been traumatized again and can’t stop performing compressions on the patient.

Avery later addresses the camera and admits that he’s had a difficult time since the shootings.

The double arm transplant surgery is well underway. The first arm attaches without a hitch and then doctors begin to work on the second arm. McSteamy thinks this is an appropriate time to talk to Callie about her relationship with Arizona, in front of their peers, interns and a camera crew. McSteamy tells Callie that it’s not a big deal if Arizona moves to Africa. He advises Callie to just hop on a plane and visit her.

I just did a random search of flights from Seattle, Washington to Cape Town, South Africa (Arizona didn’t say which city in Africa so my guess is Cape Town) and it can take up to 27 hours and 40 minutes to get there and coach class tickets start at $1351 before taxes. When did I become Calzona’s personal travel agent?

Callie tells McSteamy that she doesn’t want to talk about her relationship in the OR. And I release Callie’s flight to Cape Town, which I put on hold a moment ago.

Oh no, there is a problem with the second arm! Lexie goes to the waiting room and tells Mr. No-Arm’s wife that the second arm has a blood clot. The wife says, one arm is better than none. Someone majored in math! Callie works diligently to fix the second arm and get rid of that damn blood clot. Callie yells for everyone to just shut up so she can think. Then Callie waves her lesbian magic wand and voila, the arm is restored!

Arizona and Alex are fighting for Baby Bieber’s life and come up with a possible solution. They are going to use Baby Bieber’s own cells to grow her a new trachea! Why didn’t I think of that?

Bailey finishes operating on Mandy Moore and she says that the surgery was “textbook.” Bailey is feeling so good about her work that she decides to take the night off, go out, have a drink and a do few keg stands. (Ok, I added the keg stand part.)

Derek, McSteamy, Owen and Callie are at the bar toasting themselves for their amazing and ground breaking surgery (Although that ground has already been broken.)

To ensure Baby Bieber’s trachea is grown properly Alex is literally living in the hospital to tend to it. Meredith and Cristina talk to the camera and Cristina is asked if she is treated differently since the surgery. Cristina gets all choked up and says she’s not a super surgeon. She says she’s not a hero. Cristina tells us, “I don’t have super surgical powers.”

Meredith holds Cristina’s hand and says she is a hero to her. Cristina asks Meredith to stop talking and Meredith lets go of Cristina’s hand and asks the camera to stop taping.

Four weeks later, the camera crew checks back in with Seattle Grace Hospital and its staff. The security equipment has been removed from the hospital, Mr. No arms is now Mr. Two-Arms. Mr. Two-Arms added a “thank you” tattoo underneath the Nicole tattoo on his forearm.

Baby Bieber shows off her trachea scar from where they put the tube in last time she visited the hospital. She’s back to have the trachea inserted into her belly so it can grow larger. Baby Bieber tells the camera crew that she wanted to be a rock star but since Alex is so cool she might want to be a doctor now.

Baby Bieber takes Alex to her 4th grade class as a show-and-tell project. Be careful Alex! The last time you got involved with a patient, she was married and didn’t even have her own face.

Callie and Arizona are packing up for Africa … together. That’s right they are both moving to Africa. Wait, what? NOOOOO!

Don’t get me wrong I’m super happy they are staying together but … Africa? Why can’t they just move to Sammamish instead?

Mandy Moore is still in hospital because she never woke up from the surgery. She’s in a coma and has no brain activity. Her organs are now failing and Bailey has to tell her husband that there is little they can do now. Mandy Moore is taken off of life support and dies. Bailey declines a follow up interview with the camera crew and I Google Mandy Moore just to make sure she is still OK. Yes, she’s fine.

Cristina takes a seat in front of the camera, this time alone. Maybe she’ll be less nervous and more focused to talk now that her “soul mate” isn’t sitting next to her and holding her soft, luscious hand …

Cristina says every day since the shooting is a gift. She believes she and all the doctors are blessed; blessed to be alive and blessed to save lives everyday.

The camera crew asks her, “What will you take away from all this? Cristina replies, “Being a hero has its price.”

That’s it y’all. Calzona is currently on a plane flying to Africa.

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