“Coronation Street” recap: Outed like a Teletubbie


I don’t really know how to prepare you for what happens next, so I’m just going to blurt it out. The whole street is going to the wedding together, and so they take a hired bus (upon which the beer and champagne flows freely) to the motherf–king Hogwarts Express! I am not even kidding! It’s like there’s drink and a sing-alongs and then — ACCIO! — a steam engine! And there’s snacks! On the steam engine!

The whole time — outside the bus and on the bus and on the train — Sally gives Claire the stinkeye about, "Why did you tell child services Sophie punched a baby in the head when clearly you’re the only one around her who would do that?"

Also, look at Rosie’s Confrontation Face. It’s total Mean Girls. Oh, Rosie. You make Fetch happen.

Claire is uncomfortable and so am I. But not so uncomfortable that I would miss an opportunity to attend the best wedding in the history of the world! I swear to God, you guys, if they end up at Hogwarts, I am moving to Manchester tomorrow. Do you know a Mancunian woman to marry? Also, possibly, we will need to bring a translator into our marriage.

On the way back from her third trip to the loo, Claire pulls Sophie aside and says she won’t tell anyone about seeing her and Sian kissing. Sally sees them talking and marches over and gets all up in Claire’s nut about upsetting her daughter. She thinks about it for a second, and is like, "Should I say all the absolutely most horrible and imaginary things I can think of? … yeah, why not." And so she does. Sophie begs her mum to shut her gob, begs her dad to make her mum shut her gob, but Claire has liked flipped the switch to whatever dark place your soul goes when you decide to start commenting on YouTube videos.


Finally, Claire has had enough of the verbal lashing and so she shouts, "If you want the truth, anything could have happened whilst [Sophie and Sian] were in charge because they weren’t looking after the kids. THEY WERE SNOGGING THE FACE OFF EACH OTHER."

And OK, firstly, Claire, I have seen Sian kiss and it is a marvel. No one’s face is getting snogged off under the ministry of those tender lips. And secondly — I don’t remember.

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