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“Thintervention” recap 1.7: Suiting up

I can’t lie – I’ve been sick for the past two days and it just made watching last night’s episode of Thintervention that much harder. With the exception of Bryan, there hasn’t been anyone I’ve even wanted to root for. I’m just wondering why they chose a group of people who already seem to have it all. How about helping people who really can’t help themselves next time, OK?

This week, the contestants will be taken away and tested – it’s their last chance to use Jackie as a crutch – but first they’ll be alone for three days and have to try to motivate their butts to the gym and away from the fried coconut shrimp.

Bryan and Joe are both working out to their fullest potential. Mandy decides exercising is for chumps – she needs to spend as much time with her family as possible so that her days away at the spa don’t take as much of a toll on her. Mandy, pick up a cell phone and sext your hubby or get on a computer and Skype with your boys; get over it. Stacy and Shay are walking buddies — I think they should probably be jogging buddies. Nikki hopes there’s a bar at the resort Jackie is sending them to. Honestly, I think I’d need a bar to hang out with these people too.

When the participants arrive at the luxury spa, Craig gives them goodie bags from Jackie.

They each get swimsuits and yes they are going to be doing a water workout. Nikki says, “This is cruel to make us expose ourselves in this way”

Joe says, “You know what ladies? You’ve had six weeks to lose weight so suck it up, put on the swimsuits and meet us in the pool.” This infuriates me more than it probably should — but maybe this is because I know how hard it is to lose weight, not just as a woman, but especially as a woman.

Stacy is feeling comfortable with herself and she’s growing on me a little. Craig offers to show Shay his stretch marks (oh to be a fly on that wall). Shay actually looks pretty good in her suit; now she needs to get rid of the fake contacts. Craig cries when he sees Shay; he’s so proud of her. Craig also loves Bryan’s tits.

Down by the pool, Craig comes out in his teeny weenie mankini. Jackie wears her two-piece, too, and Joe, always the pig, tells Jackie to turn around so he can admire her body. Jackie looks like she wants to disembowel him.

His cockiness and confidence are ridiculous. Whoever wins the pool workout challenge gets to have their own room at the spa.

Nikki hates every second of being in a bathing suit in the water. Jeana, of course, does the opposite of what Jackie tells her to do and lets the water support her instead of actually making a challenging workout for herself. Stacy is working hard, Bryan is also working hard. Mandy is a snorkeler, not a swimmer. Um, OK.

Jackie tells these people that she wants to see what they’re going to eat in the real world. Earth to Jackie, my world doesn’t include scheduling gym classes and having nothing else to do but look at a menu to order off of while I have my personal trainer on the other line. You want some realness? I got your realness over here.

The winner of the swimming challenge is Stacy, who has shown some real drive lately. Jackie breaks up the rest of the participants into their bunking teams. When Nikki hears that she’ll be sleeping in the same room as Jeana, she goes off on a rant wondering what she’s done to deserve this. This hurts Jeana’s feelings and the waterworks begin. It’s the first sign of emotion coming through.

Stacy goes to her solo room and tells us she thrives on privacy. I’m not exactly sure what that means, especially because she immediately goes to Shay’s room to talk trash about Joemophobe.

Joe calls up Craig to get an extra workout session and Craig gives Joe’s brain a workout as well. He confronts Joe about the comments he made earlier, not just to Jackie, but also to Stacy about her cankles. Apparently Joe wasn’t offended when he made the chauvinistic remark to Jackie earlier. I like that because he didn’t offend himself with his own comment, he thinks it doesn’t matter that he offended the woman who is giving him his life back and has put him where he is right this second – on a recumbent bicycle with a freshly popped zit on his chin. He thinks he’s funny and I’m wondering who the hell laughs at his jokes.

When Joemophobe goes to Jackie to apologize she says his attitude comes off as “derisive” and his attitude needs a check up from the neck up instead of from the moobs down.

The following day, Jackie says she’s going to give Bryan some one on one time since he’s the star pupil and she never has to scold him. I mean they just had some alone time the day before, but OK! We’re not looking for consistency here; just weight loss.

Jackie takes the participants to the pier to compete in a rowing race. Bryan, Nikki Joe and Jackie will compete against Jeana, Mandy, Stacy, Shay and Craig. The winners will be getting a spa treatment at the resort while the losers win a two hour training session with Jackie.

Is it just me or do none of these people seem to work out as hard as the worst contestant on the Biggest Loser?

Mandy’s team wins it and Joe’s team looks like they smelled a dog fart directly into their nostrils.

That night, everyone is looking good and they pull up to a table where Jackie orders a sampler platter that could only have walked out of a combo of mine and my girlfriend’s wildest dreams.

Bryan digs in and Stacy grabs a poisonous and delicious piece of fried calamari. OK Jackie, you got me here, it just got real.

I think the teacher just became the student over here. First of all, don’t mess with a starving queen and a would-be hag. Bryan and Stacy looked as though they were about to cry real tears due to Jackie’s sampler platter shenanigans. Also, Nikki totally became the wise advice giver and says that if they’re getting angry right now, they need to look at themselves, not at Jackie. I guess she really is a life coach.

Mia Wisdom borrowed from somewhere: Those who can’t do, teach.

Nikki and Bryan have become besties and Nikki has had her aha moment.

The ladies from the rowing challenge go get their spa treatments while the losing team gets their workout on. Do any of these bitches realize this is a weight-loss show and not Fantasy Island? If it’s right before weigh-in, I’d rather get the workout in than some masseuse time.

In group therapy, most of the women are dressed like trollops. Shay noticed she’s an emotional eater this week.

Dr. Ramani Wisdom: Don’t do other things while you eat. You’ll end up eating half as much if you just eat and meditate on that.

Stacy knows she needs to be comfortable with herself before she can allow others to get close to her.

Joe actually apologizes to Stacy, which is great. Dr. Ramani praises Joe on his huge change over the past seven weeks. I’m still not buying it just yet.

At the weigh-in, Mandy loses one pound. Her intensity level wasn’t there this week. p.s. one pound really isn’t bad.

Shay gained a pound and says “Oh well.” You don’t want to make Jackie’s lower lip come out in a pout and that’s exactly what she did. For some reason right before weigh-in, Shay ate a gigantic breakfast. I smell sabotage on her end and, for some reason, Dr. Ramani doesn’t really address that. I mean, right before weigh-in.

Jeana lost a pound and says, “At least I lost one,” which was not what Jackie wanted to hear.

Joe takes his shirt off to prove that it’s not about a number – it’s about how you feel. Um, what? What does that prove? Hate him.

Joe lost three pounds and Jackie said she can see his six pack coming through somewhere. They celebrate.

Stacy lost two pounds and shrieked in delight. Jackie is not happy again because Stacy should be losing more each week.

Nikki gets up on the scale and hasn’t lost an ounce. Jackie is very concerned about Nikki’s inability to lose the weight and stick with things.

Bryan lost another seven pounds and has lost 39 pounds total. Hooray! We can end on a high note.

There are three things Jackie wants the participants to concentrate on for the next six weeks since she won’t be around to help them:

You know what Intensity is – DO IT.

Eat clean – DO IT.

Support each other – DO IT!

Jackie says peace out and next week we get to see the results of everyone’s hard work. Also, Craig cries and Jackie looks like a hot femme. Meow lady!

What did you think of this week’s episode? Are any of you still watching this? Am I being too hard on them?

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