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“Rizzoli & Isles” Retro Subtext Recap (1.02): Three strikes, you’re gay

Today’s lesson: Always floss with your back to the wall. A lady is watching the morning traffic on TV in her robe while flossing when she is attacked from behind. But no time to worry about her dental hygiene and/or breathing status because Jane Rizzoli is playing softball — yes, softball. People, have the complicated sexual politics of Elena Kagan taught us nothing?

Jane is at bat and Donnie Wahlberg is pitching. No word on whether he’s got it (the right stuff) as a pitcher. But he does seem to be giving Jane a hard time. Dr. Maura Isles is giving Jane the opposite of a hard time from the stands while dressed in some sort of skin-tight, water-resistant bodysuit. A guy in a bad tan suit comes up to tell her it fits nice, which — duh — it totally does. But she is more preoccupied with cheering on her lady.

Maura is yelling things at her like “Come on, Jane!” and “Up stroke!” and “Whoo! Whoo!” But I would never take those innocent exclamations of encouragement out of context for sweaty fantasy scenarios. Nope, not me. Never. Right, moving on. Jane pops out and Maura, who has never played softball before (really, not even in college that one time with your “roommate” after you two drank those two bottles of red wine?) cheers. Jane gives her a my-girlfriend-can-be-such-a-dork scream, which Maura mistakes for being called up to bat.

Bad tan jacket guy was not lying: that bodysuit is a nice fit. He says if she gets a hit he’ll buy her dinner, an offer Maura accepts. Gay, straight — you never turn down a free meal. Then Maura and her terrible batting stance actually make contact, sending it flying past the infield. But before she can round the bases a body is flung on the outfield.

Maura notes that our dead flossing lady had excellent dental hygiene. Hey, we all notice strange stuff sometimes. Like I notice each time Angie Harmon’s gaze goes from Sasha Alexander’s eyes to her lips. Bad tan jacket guy reminds Maura that he owes her dinner and they settle on Provencal French. Jane chastises Maura for flirting over a dead body, because only she can flirt with Maura over a dead body.

Back at the station, Boston Police Department’s architecture has magically gotten a retrofit. Instead of the modern, blocky building from the pilot episode, we see the old-school, brick headquarters from the infamous finale exit. See what I was saying about noticing strange stuff?

Inside, more discussion of “juice” than I care to think about occurs as Det. Korsak complains about being passed over for sergeant for lacking it and New Kid on the Homicide Block Joey Grant gets promoted to lieutenant in homicide for having lots of it. Ewww.

She still hates him for cheating off her catechism test when they were kids, and something involving a duck. He thinks she’ll never get ahead because she can’t get along with people. I think a Dr. Maura Isles would beg to differ with that last statement. He also says he’ll barely have time for a cup of coffee before he is promoted again. Make it a small cup of coffee, like an espresso.

Down in the morgue, Maura and Jane discuss the victim’s strangulation. Maura says she knows why Jane and Lt. New Kids can’t get along, because they like each other. Then she cracks up at the very thought of her own suggestion. Also hilarious, Grant used to call Jane “frogface.” So let’s add “blind” to his list of undesirable character traits along with “cocky” and “brown noser.”

It’s gnocchi night back at Jane’s apartment. Mama, Papa and Baby Bear Rizzoli are all there. Mama Rizzoli wants Jane to tell Frankie to leave the force and join Papa Rizzoli in his plumbing business, Rizzoli & Sons. She says Jane should tell him all the things she missed out on by being a cop, like kids and a husband who adore her. Before Jane has to repeat the obvious fact that she doesn’t need a husband to have kids and she already has someone who adores her, her cell phone rings.

Another strangulation victim, this time found tucked neatly into her bed. Not to be insensitive to the dead or anything, but Jane and Maura are totally doing that flirting thing over a dead body we talked about earlier.

Turns out the names of the first two murdered women match the names of past Boston Strangler victims. Copycat, right? Well, Korsak says some cops never thought Albert DeSalvo, the man convicted of the crimes, was the culprit and now the real strangler has returned 46 years later. Guess crazies wearing tinfoil hats aren’t the only conspiracy theory lovers.

Maura is on her “date” with bad tan suit guy. And, guess what, he is still wearing the same bad tan suit and ugly purple tie as at the softball field. Seriously, dude, you’re on a date with she of the fantastically shiny and bouncy hair — make an effort. She talks to him about history and literature and science. He looks at her dumbly and then goes in for a kiss. Maura quickly realizes something is wrong.

1) He isn’t Jane. And 2) He has Marfan Syndrome, a genetic disorder of the connective tissue. These are the perils of dating Web M.D., diagnosis by candlelight dinner. He bolts, Maura is left alone.

Jane is still working the Boston Strangler-is-back angle. She and Korsak go to find one of the original case detectives. Hey, look, it’s Brian Dennehy. Hmm, now I’ve watched enough crime shows to know any Very Special Guest Star is automatically a suspect. But Jane and Korsak must be more Discovery Channel watchers because they seem oblivious to his conspicuous starpower — and the fact that he is an old, cranky, misogynistic drunk.

In the morgue, having returned from her disastrous diagnosis date, Maura is cruising Louboutins online like a good femme. Det. Frost comes in and still can’t stomach the dead bodies. Maura says he needs to try immersion therapy to get his morgue legs, like she did with overcoming her fear of live people. She prefers the dead because they’ll never tease or ridicule her, and she can speak for them. That’s our adorably macabre gal.

Jane returns and tells Maura to blow off steam taking a couple of cuts of the softball bat instead of hitting her credit cards. Maura is all excited, because it’s clear Jane doesn’t let her use the bat much. Nudge, nudge. Know what I mean? Say no more. But then Maura’s terrible batting stance tells us why. Jane gives her the “lesbian, please”-face and promptly takes back the bat.

It’s also the first Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching of the episode. Geez, ladies, making us wait for it aren’t you? Maura wants to have another swing with the bat, but Jane distracts her saying she brought “presents.” Old Boston Strangler case evidence isn’t the most romantic gift ever, but it’s the thought that counts.

Maura grabs a mini skirt from the pile, excited it might be vintage Mary Quant. I only know that name because Ricky Vasquez mentioned her on My So-Called Life once. Jane’s face registers no such Angela Chase sympathies, just the perturbed glare of a butch whose lady is chattering endlessly about girlie things again.

Old Cranky Detective comes to visit Jane in the office with his equally old case files. He says despite being a girl, she is a good cop. Condescension is so cute on the elderly. He asks Jane if she is married and she says that she isn’t by choice. Gay marriage is, after all, legal in Massachusetts. She says any man that could love her wouldn’t want her to do this job and she loves her job. Thank heavens Maura loves her and her job already.

In his files, OCD mentioned his No. 1 suspect Red, a career criminal who conveniently got out of prison two days before the killing started. He goes with Jane and Frost the suspect’s mama’s house. She is none too happy to see them, though her gaydar is amazingly accurate as she immediately calls Jane a “skinny, greaseball dyke detective.”

OCD and the Red get into a fight in the backyard. Jane and Frost have to pull them apart, but not before OCD draws a little blood. Any day now I expect geriatric bare-knuckle fighting to become a part of ultimate fighting on Spike TV. Red screams that maybe OCD strangled those women, you know, in case you missed the foreshadowing earlier. He says he couldn’t have, he was having kidney dialysis.

Frankie’s crime scene photos lead them instead to a death enthusiast blogger. I’ve also watched enough crime shows to know creepy bloggers are everyone’s favorite first false murder suspect. But that herring was in fact red and another real body is found. They also find what Maura insists is a “reddish brown stain” and not necessarily blood until further analysis on the scarf used to strangle her. They engage in a little quickie eye sex (because sometimes you just don’t have time for foreplay) over yet another bed body.

The reddish brown stains were indeed blood and they turn out to be Red the suspect’s blood. But Jane’s excitement about cracking the case turns almost immediately when Grant steals her thunder by having his task force claim credit. Guess who is on the task force and called his mommy and daddy to watch his big moment? Frankie. Pissed off, thy name is Jane Rizzoli.

Besides the asshole grandstanding, something isn’t adding up for Jane. The evidence just fell in their laps. Also, again, Brian Dennehy is way too big a name to just be a cameo. She checks his dialysis records, and he left before the treatment got started.

Maura and her amazing diagnostic skills knows something is wrong, too, after seeing him. She brings him to her office to check him out, saying it isn’t possible for him to be in dialysis every-other-day because he is in renal failure. Oh, Maura, there is such a thing as being too smart for your own good. He thinks so too and pulls a gun on her.

Jane has a sixth sense for when Maura is in trouble and arrives on cue. Maura and Jane exchange some more quickie eye sex — I mean as long as you’re in mortal peril you might as well have one more go at it. Good thing the bad guy is an old, dying guy because Maura is able to stab him with a scalpel while Jane wails on him with a bat. Take note, world: This is what Jane will do to you if you threaten her woman.

Maura calls it a home run, Jane says It’s just a base hit. Look at them, flirting and the body isn’t even dead yet. More flirting ensues at the bar where Jane is having a beer and Maura a glass of red wine. They pretend to talk about their respective love lives. Maura won’t date bad tan suit guy because she doesn’t date patients, or people with weird-ass diseases. Jane says she only dates two kinds, the kind who hates that she is a cop or the kind that want her to use the handcuffs. Use the handcuffs on Maura, Jane. I know you’re both thinking about it.

Grant walks in with his gross blistery feet and kills the mood. He apologizes to Jane. She wonders where she put her bat. He also tells her he was looking at her, not her test, when they were kids. Guess her face wasn’t that froggy after all. Then Maura gives Jane that patented “Ha-ha, a boy likes you, you big lesbian”-face. You know, this one.

Don’t fight it, ladies. No weird guys with Marfan Syndrome or handcuff fetishes or blistered feet will ever come between you.

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