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Great LezBritain: “Lip Service” Recap – Episode One

“Great LezBritian” is a fortnightly stroll through the very best of British lesbo-centric entertainment and culture. Plus there will be some jolly good interviews with the top ladies who are waving the flag for gay UK.

So here we are finally watching Lip Service after months and months of full on c–k-teasing by the BBC. It’s like we’ve been having a long-term online relationship with Lip Service and we’re finally meeting for the first time. We’ve dressed up and we’re a little bit drunk.

While we waited, we watched Anne Lister – which was really very good – but we’ll be glad of some modern day action. We also watched bits of The Real L Word so we’ll be glad of something that doesn’t make us feel violently sick.

The first scene opens on a sunny street.

Lee: But this doesn’t look like Glasgow? It looks like New York?

Sarah: James Anthony Pearson (Ed) was right; Glasgow does look like New York in this.

Lee: Oh, it actually is New York.

So Frankie is in New York, being a photographer and being a lesbian with her tattoos, chain on her jeans, short tousled hair and of course vest-top-with-no-bra. One minute in and we’re already seeing the absence of bra *joint fist pump*.

She’s taking photos of a model or a singer or something who checks Frankie out at every opportunity – and Frankie has the smirky face of someone that knows in a few moments she’s going to be having sex against a wall. The model keeps blah blah blahing about her boyfriend but stops when Frankie says:

Frankie: And how long have you been into women?

Model: I didn’t say I was.

Frankie: You didn’t have to.

In the blink of an eye Frankie moves in for the kill, two minutes in and we’ve already got a hand down some pants *second joint fist pump*

Just then a woman named Karen calls and ruins the party. Bugger you, Karen, and your ill-timing.

Frankie’s aunt has died and when she gets off the phone, Frankie tells the model that her uncle and aunt brought her up when her parents died. The model says she’s sorry, but Frankie’s acts like she is not sorry at all.

Frankie: One family member down, two to go.

Takes top off and resumes position with model.

Frankie is dark.

Three minutes in and we get a tit shot. This, coupled with the fact that there still has been no mention of artificial insemination, tells us that Lip Service is definitely going to be our kind of show.

When Frankie gets home to her big, arty New York loft, she has an answer machine message from dead Aunt Carol.

Sarah: Are we watching Doctor Who? Isn’t Auntie Carol dead?

Lee: Maybe it’s a different Carol

But it is indeed a message from dead Aunt Carol, from when she was still alive aunt Carol, asking Frankie to come home because there’s something she needs to tell her.

We see an aeroplane take off and next thing we know, Frankie is walking through Glasgow airport looking really pretty amazeballs wearing Debbie Harry’s Vultures T-shirt, massive shades and earphones. As she walks she’s eyed up by an airhostess – which we roll our eyes at because we don’t need a big banner telling us she’s sexy because we can see it with our own eyes. She waits for her lift outside and lights up in the no-smoking area.

Jay – a good looking guy with a swagger matching Frankie’s – arrives to pick her up: “Hello gorgeous, how much?”

And so Lip Service begins.

For anyone wondering about the show’s similarity to The L Word – let the title sequence be the clue. Instead of sunshine and palm trees, we’ve got motorways, high rises and a shot of the Nirvana Piercing studio where Lee got her first Tattoo in 2001. Unfortunately though, the theme tune has also been done by Betty.

A little joke – clean the vomit from your eyes and let’s get on with it.

As Jay drives Frankie home, we find out a few things; Jay is a womanizer, Frankie hasn’t spoken to dead Aunt Carol in 10 years, Jay works with Cat, Frankie’s ex-girlfriend who she hasn’t seen in two years, and this is why he is dropping Frankie at his flat and not having lunch with her.

Frankie: I suppose she’s still angry with me

Jay: She doesn’t talk about you much these days.

Hmm we also detect a little frisson between Frankie and Jay but we’ll ignore it and hope it goes away. We find that’s the best way to deal with unsavoury things in life.

Cue Cat in the second vest top of the episode, which shows off her lesbian branding/tattoo nicely. She is on Gaydargirls (a UK lesbian dating site) arranging a date with someone called Sam_glas01

Sarah: That’s a rubbish username. If I was on a dating site I would have a far more creative name for myself.

Lee: That’s good to know, sweetheart.

Tess comes in wearing the third vest top of the episode with a print out of a Facebook picture. She’s upset that her ex is using a sexy photo that Tess took of her as her profile picture. She rips it up and throws it in Cat’s laundry bin and we see the first sign of Cat’s anal retentiveness as she watches the pieces of paper fall amidst her dirty pants and socks in abject horror at the thought of them actually going into the machine together.

She gets over it and tells Tess that the cop has asked her out tonight but maybe she should make it another night so she can be better prepared.

Tess: It’s a date Cat, not the Miss Gay UK pageant – and Frankie was two years ago.

Cat: I haven’t got that tea stain out of the carpet.

Tess: You need to move on, you’re going tonight.

So Cat is going on her first date in two years on the very night that Frankie has returned. What are the chances of that? It’s as if someone is writing this.

Tess is getting ready for an audition but thinks that everything she tries on looks rubbish. Ed, Cat’s brother and Tess’s friend is lying on the couch watching her.

Sarah: That sounds creepy the way you’ve written it and it isn’t.

Lee: Okay what about …

Ed, Cat’s brother is lying on the couch watching her, but not in a creepy way

Sarah: That’s better. He is clearly in love with her. It’s just not creepy. It would only be creepy if while watching her he was trying to touch his …

Lee: OKAY! It’s not creepy.

Ed is a struggling writer, terminally single and admits he uses the dentist as an opportunity to pull. Tess says he is attractive and Ed looks like he has just had an orgasm — but not in a creepy way.

Tess suddenly realises she has the perfect red satin audition dress but it’s at her ex-girlfriend Facebook-Chloe’s house and she must go get it and Ed must help her. All circumstances are set for this to be a disaster.

Tess and Ed are in the rain doing some sort of weird power walking. When they get there Tess tells Ed that she had to give her keys back to facebook-Chloe so they are going through the back window. Ed does not look best pleased, but because he is totally in love with Tess, in a non-creepy way, he gives in and gives her a punt up through the window before following suit.

Frankie is walking down a place called Mitchell Lane looking up at a building.

Sarah: I love the camera work here. It’s quite This Life-y. It’s obvious they’ve got no budget but it looks really good

Lee: Sometimes cheap isn’t nasty.

Sarah: Like fish fingers.

Lee: And baked beans.

Frankie is looking up at the window of Cat’s office. And luckily Cat has some photocopying needs at a photocopier underneath the very window that Frankie is looking at, at that very moment.

Jay comes over to talk to Cat at work and is over-aggressive about his excitement for her date. He does a really odd but impressive growl and offers to go instead if Cat isn’t up for it. Just then Cat looks down and sees Frankie smoking outside. Frankie gives a slightly unsure smile and Cat looks like she might faint onto the photocopier. Frankie looks upset that Cat didn’t give her a wave – really love, what did you expect? You can’t just turn up and stare up at someone at their work after two years like you’ve just popped out to get a pint of milk.

Tess and Ed are now fully fledged burglars and Tess is searching through Facebook-Chloe’s stuff. She finds contact lenses by the bed but Chloe doesn’t wear contact lenses – it’s always the little things that tell the bigger story. She then finds a bra and Chloe isn’t a D Cup.

Tess: Do you think she’s seeing someone else?

Lee & Sarah: No s–t, Sherlock.

Sarah: This bedroom is too tidy. Whose bedroom would only have a lonely old bra and some contact lenses for proof of life?

Just then they hear voices coming in the front door. Facebook-Chloe is back from work with a friend and Tess makes Ed hide under the bed with her.

Ed: We’ll just have to tell her we’re here; you said it wasn’t a big deal.

Tess: Well I lied; of course it’s a big deal, get under the bed.

Facebook-Chloe comes in with a girl and immediately they begin having sex on the bed. They moan within a couple of seconds (which seems really very quick). We take against Chloe immediately when she does a manic laugh during the throes of passion. We can already tell that Tess is far too good for her.

Cut to Ed and Tess under the bed and Tess is beyond pained and makes a break for it crawling past the bed just as Chloe is going down on the girl who opens her eyes and sees Tess.

Chloe: What the hell are you doing here?

Sarah: Oh god. I hate her voice.

Lee: I bet the majority of her friends are actually on Facebook.

Sarah: So people don’t need to hear that voice. I hope she’s never in this again.

It turns out that the girl underneath Chloe is Shona from Spanish class so Tess realises that Chloe had cheated on her. To make it worse, Chloe is wearing the dress that Tess wants for her audition; Tess demands it and runs out.

Cat leaves her office building to go to a meeting cautiously looking around for Frankie just as she turns the corner towards her. You can see just how tall Ruta Gedmintas is here.

Cat: What do you want Frankie?

Frankie: To talk to you.

Cat: You didn’t think to call first and ask if it was okay?

Frankie: I thought you might say no.

Cat: So you went ahead and just turned up anyway? I can’t talk now.

Cat rushes off clumsily, bumps into someone, and as she walks away Frankie bends down and picks up the purse that she’s dropped.

Tess runs to her audition for Refresh face cream. There is a comedy changing scene as she ladders her tights, then rips the red silk dress she just humiliated herself for. They knock for her and she is clearly frazzled and is still putting up her hair as she goes into the audition past a line of judgey, polished girls who look like they were always destined to advertise Refresh face cream.

The following scene is very amusing. Fiona Button’s performance is top notch funny. As the casting director asks her to make sure she sounds “refreshed” and “aggrieved at the prospect of dry skin” while repeatedly calling her Trish, Tess becomes increasingly manic and then bursts into tears.

Lee: When you write it like that, it sounds upsetting.

Sarah: But it isn’t, its funny – everyone this is comedy gold.

Lee: Tess might be my favourite after that scene.

Sarah: Don’t pick favourites yet, it’s far too soon.

Lee: I’ll say this though – I don’t think she got that audition.

Frankie turns up at Cat’s meeting place. Along the way, Cat has put more eyeliner on and it looks wicked. She should wear it like that for the date with the cop.

Cat is aghast that Frankie is here and Frankie asks her if she’s still losing things as she hands over the purse. She says this in a really over-familiar manner that isn’t appropriate towards a person whose heart you broke. Frankie is the kind of girl that you would really hate yourself for constantly imagining what she’d be like in bed.

Sarah: Oh is that right?

Lee: Well of course I wouldn’t, but other, single ones, they’d be thinking it …

Frankie tells Cat a guy in the corner keeps staring at her and Cat says he’s a pain.

Frankie: Can’t blame him, you do look incredibly hot.

There she goes again. In-app-ropriate. Frankie is a major line crosser, a boundary hopper in fact, we will have to watch her wily ways.

Cat: Is that why you left me because I look so hot? Why are you here – in fact I don’t even care.

Cat goes home to get ready for her date and she is looking hot to trot while Tess is eating beans from a bowl in her pyjamas.

Cat: Are the heels and shoes too much?

Tess: If she was after some diesel dyke, she would have hardly gone for you.

No she wouldn’t, she really wouldn’t.

Tess sends her on her way but Cat’s expression suggests that this date could be a bit of a disaster.

In the bar, Cat orders a vat of Vino and makes a meal out of reapplying her lipstick while she waits for Sam to make an appearance. Oh Cat, chill the f–k out.

Over at Rubies, the fictitious gay bar, there are ladies playing pool and swigging beer. Ed, Tess, Frankie and Jay are there having a toast to Frankie’s return, while Jay talks about a possible “lezurrection” between Frankie and Cat. Ha ha, Lezurrection, good one Jay.

Since Chloe was last seen between another girls thighs, Tess has decided to get herself out there and get laid. Frankie’s advice is to look “aloof and uninterested” and they’ll no doubt be clambering for some Tess action – an art we feel takes some mastering, because you may just as easily look like an idiot.

Jay’s other half Becky arrives, she seems like a right good one; not judging Jay’s flirty ways, offering to buy drinks — what a winner.

Cat calls Tess because Sam the cop has yet to make an appearance, but just as she speaks Sam can be seen entering the bar.

Cat: Call me in half an hour and if she’s a moose I’ll make my excuses and leave.

Sam is next to Cat when these words are uttered and this is clearly not the best start to the date.

Sarah: Heather told me that she wasn’t allowed to wear make-up in this scene because she’s supposed to look quite butch.

Lee: She looks good with no make-up on. Not that butch though.

Sarah: She’s what one would call, “TV butch.”

Becky tells Frankie about Cat’s blind date and Frankie is clearly ruffled and goes for a fag. Hmm, actually Becky, maybe back off? You’ve only been here two minutes, you’ve just met Frankie for the first time and you’re already splurging out information. The others agree with us but Becky is unrepentant and we find out that Frankie and Cat had grown up together, were best friends and then Frankie persuaded Cat to leave her girlfriend for her, only to then run off to New York when it got serious.

So now we are rooting for Cat and her date, but Cat is asking Sam about being in the police and then tells a pretty boring story about how a lovely policeman was once very caring over her purse being stolen. She then blurts out all sorts of things you shouldn’t say on a first date – textbook no-no’s really.

If this girl was wound any tighter her eyes would pop out.

Like a much needed distraction, Sam’s phone goes – she has to leave for work. They both know this wasn’t an ideal meeting on any level but Cat suggests they could do it again and although Sam is quite stony faced, we suspect they will.

Jay tells Frankie that it’s serious with Becky, that she’s “tamed the sex beast.”

Sarah: Jay is actually alright, he is a bit of a twat but I can imagine as a friend, he’d be entertaining

Lee: Yes, on paper he kind of sounds more of a knob, but Emun Elliot is playing it with more humour – like Jay actually knows he’s a knob, which makes it better.

Frankie says that she has never been very good at the special friend thing. Jay asks delicately if she is still batting both ways:

Frankie: Men come in handy occasionally when there isn’t a woman around.

Jay looks a little too intense for our liking at this …

Cat enters Rubies and sees the troops having shots of fun. She and Frankie lock eyes and Cat leaves – Frankie looks troubled and hits the bottle.

It’s the morning after and on Glasgow’s main streets Tess and Ed are dressed in yellow crocs, orange tights and a fizzy can costume promoting a drink called Ki Wizz. Lou Foster, the famous presenter and the face of Ki-Wizz talks to passers by.

At work, Cat is angry with Jay for not telling her Frankie was back. Jay tells Cat that Frankie is back because her aunt has died, but that she doesn’t seem too upset by it. Well aren’t you an idiot Jay – even we can all tell you by now that Frankie isn’t the type of girl to open her blackened heart on such sensitive issues. Cat knows Frankie better and is clearly worried and wants to know where she is.

Tess overhears Lou crying in the toilets.

Sarah: Ha, Tess is dressed as a CAN, while she’s on the CAN

Tess tries to comfort Lou by telling her of her own recent inappropriate crying moments. Lou opens up that her married boyfriend has left her. When Tess tells Lou about facebook-Chloe’s hurtful ways, there’s a quick flicker across Lou Foster’s eyes suggesting that the girl in front of her dressed in orange being a lesbian is very good news indeed.

Lee: Well that has opened a CAN of worms, ha ha.

Sarah: I don’t think we should make any more can jokes.

Lee: I CAN’t help it.

Sarah: Seriously, no more …

Frankie arrives at the funeral home, and as she signs in the receptionist remarks on liking her tattoos in a most inappropriate tone. Really? You’d hit on someone in a funeral parlour? Surely this woman knows that Frankie can only be here to grieve so this is not a time to raise one eyebrow and ask in an offering way “If there is anything else I can help you with …”

Lou goes and hangs about with Ed and Tess. Tears have gone and she is now grinning insanely at Tess and laughing at her funny ways. Poor old Ed seems a little on the sidelines so Tess tries to reel him into the conversation but Lou Foster is focused on just giving Tess flattering comments.

Ed tells Tess she is onto a winner with Lou Foster but Tess thinks that Lou’s cardigan could only be worn by a straight girl.

Frankie is crying over her dead aunt’s corpse when her Uncle and cousin Karen walk in.

The uncle is very angry and not at all welcoming of her presence and asks her what’s she’s doing there. Frankie’s tears have dried and her armour has clicked back into place:

Frankie: Well I saw a funeral home and I thought, I wonder if anyone I know has died.

This family have not been reunited in a while and all is not quite little house of the Prairie. Frankie asks if they knew what dead aunt Carol wanted to tell her – and eye-spy Cousin Karen looking a bit shifty in the background. Uncle Angry suggests that dead Aunt Carol was a bit unhinged and tells Frankie to get on her bike. Frankie goes and cries in the toilets.

Lee: Poor Frankie crying in the toilets, I’m starting to “get” her and feel bad for her now.

Sarah: But this is what happens with girls like Frankie, she flashes out a bit of emotion and admirers start to think that they can save her.

On that note, Cat arrives and Frankie tells her to stop being a stalker. Cat tells her to be nice or else she’s leaving. Well played Cat; they head outside together.

Its home-time at the Ki-wizz promotion stand and Lou rushes over to Tess and Ed who are talking curry and wine. Lou wants to get involved and poor old Ed knows that he will be the third wheel if they all go so makes an excuse about something or another and steps aside like a true selfless straight boy with a heart-wrenching crush on a lezzer. Lou is cockahoop and grabs Tess’ hand and tells her she knows a bar they can go to … feisty one.

Outside, underneath a bandstand with a breast-shaped roof, Cat tells Frankie she’s sorry about her aunt and Frankie asks her to come to the funeral.

Cat’s moral compass seems to make her accept. They discuss what the devil it could be that dead Aunt Carol wanted to say to Frankie. This leads them to reminisce and laugh at times of old when they got stoned as teenagers.

Frankie: It’s good to see you, I really missed you.

Cat: I missed you too.

This is a touching moment and we can see some of the love that might have been shared by these two previously, but then Frankie goes and spoils it all by doing something stupid like trying to go in for a lip-smacker.

Cat is appalled and reminds Frankie once again that that she just left her for the Big Apple and only called three weeks later. She gets up and heads off distressed at how selfish and moronic the love of her life is. Frankie is also distressed by Cat leaving and possibly what a total moron she is and so strikes a lesbian pose. Which is pleasing to the eye.

Lou Foster and Tess are sitting at a bar discussing their careers. The glasses are a bit empty so something needs to happen. Tess offers Lou Foster another drink, but like an awkward teenager trying out her luck, Lou Foster suggests they go back to hers. Tess seems a bit bowled over but is more than willing to take it on.

Oh deary, with the rejection of Cat ringing in her ears, Frankie has headed back to the funeral home. She has clearly thought of something the receptionist can help her with.

And would you Adam and Eve it, Cat has had another purse mishap – maybe she should tie it round her neck – she also heads back to the Funeral home. This could all end in tears.

Lou is pouring Tess and herself a mighty sized glass of wine, while Tess is distracted by the wonderful capabilities of a toy talking robot. Lou lunges like a cat onto Tess and grabs her face.

Lou: I’ve wanted to kiss a girl forever and you’re gorgeous.

Lamps go flying, robots get stamped on; this is a very passionate Lou Foster. The Roxanne McKee fan club on Twitter are right now having the time of their lives.

Cat enters a darkened Funeral Home and latches onto noises in the distance. She witnesses Frankie fingering the helpful receptionist right next to a corpse in a coffin.

Lee: Oh my eyes, is that dead Aunt Carol in the coffin?

Sarah: No, it’s a dead man but this is truly a horrid display.

Frankie: (about the corpse) I bet he thinks he’s died and gone to heaven.

That’s one f–ked up perspective on the situation.

Well, any chance of another wonderful Cat and Frankie moment reminiscent of the one under the breast-shaped roof seems unlikely now.

Cat greets the Glasgow rain in floods of tears and Frankie pulls away from Little Miss Helpful and puts on her coat.

Little Miss Helpful: Can I have your number.

Frankie: Trust me, you really don’t want it.

So lesbians, episode one, done. What did you think?

“Great LezBritain” authors Sarah, a Londoner, and Lee, a Glaswegian, met in a gay discotheque one bleak mid winter, eight years ago and have been shacked up together ever since. When not watching Tipping The Velvet, they find time to write, run a PR company, DJ at their own club nights and love a bit of jam on toast. Follow them on Twitter at greatlezbritain.

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