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“Thintervention” recap 1.4: Channeling your inner warrior

Another week has passed in the Thintervention household and another week of appeasing Nikki while being too hard on Jeana has also come and gone. I am fairly certain I’m about one dirty martini away from throwing a heavy object into my television set every time Jackie lets these people get away with crap.

We start the week off with Jeana and her daughter, Kara, spending time getting mani-pedis together. All of the relaxing and quiet time is too much for Kara — she begins to bully Jeana and question how hard she’s working since she’s only lost six pounds so far. My inner chubby girl starts to get angry here because, again, Jeana isn’t really that big and no one has asked her to give up everything she loves in order to participate in this. That’s the only way she’ll be able to keep up the routine. Leave my cougar alone!

The first challenge of the week begins with getting dog poop off of Craig’s shoe. Apparently there were turd mines at the park chosen for exercising in and all I can hope is that Joe and Nikki use the poop as a slip ‘n slide for my amusement.

Jackie tells the participants that, this week, they’ll be accessing their inner warriors. Bryan’s inner warrior has been named Ethel which is funny because I would’ve probably chosen Brandi for him. Something a little young and slutty sounding. Since he chose Ethel, I decided to choose everyone else’s.

So, their warriors will be helping them to run a mile then do a kettle bell set and then wash, rinse repeat that circuit three times. Stacy “doesn’t run unless there’s a sale of some kind,” I’m gonna guess a sale on DiGiorno.

Early in the circuit, Nikki just gives up and tells Jackie she’s done. Jackie patiently (too patiently) waits for Nikki’s inner warrior to get up off its ass and get back to work.

Meanwhile, Joe’s foot is busted and he has to sit out the remainder of the workout. Nikki continues to protest doing the workout and instead of screaming in her face and telling her to get her fat ass out of the group and stop wasting everyone’s time, Jackie continues to coddle her.

Someone who really has stepped it up is Shay. She hasn’t complained even once since the middle of last episode and she seems to be kicking butt. She gets my three snaps up in z-formation award for the week.

Afterwards, Nikki and Bryan get massages from, as Nikki says, “a couple of queers.” Thankfully, Bryan isn’t afraid to scold Nikki for her umbrella-holding half-run marathon of bitching.

Overall, Bryan and Joe seem to be the most committed to staying on the program and taking care of business (or at least the editors seem to want us to think this way).

The next day, everyone meets at the grocery store to get help with their shopping. Jackie shows up in a cute outfit and I finally understand that plaid has made a comeback.

Jackie tells everyone they should be starting out their days with her milkshake (you don’t have to tell me twice) and then have a snack of an apple and slice of string cheese a couple hours later. She then calls out Jeana and puts the smackdown on everyone’s snackdowns.

Jackie Wisdom: Cereal is a bad snack. It is generally loaded with sugar.

Somehow, Nikki is the only participant to fill her cart up with the healthiest options.

Later, Jeana decides she needs some relaxation and pamper time with her friends on a yacht. That’s what I generally do too. They cheers their champagne to being fit, healthy and sexually healthy.

Jackie’s cougdar must’ve been beeping like crazy — she grabs her aviators, hops in her sleek BMW and is going to flex her compassion muscles on some unsuspecting housewives.

As Jeana is finishing the tail end of a coconut fried shrimp, Jackie appears from around the corner, much to the delight of the other cougars in the room.

Jackie grabs Jeana for a heart-to-heart and we find that Jeana is severely depressed. See, kids, money cannot buy you happiness.

Everyone and their inner warriors meet up with Jackie and Craig at their extreme workout of the week — a firefighter training workout.

For the exercise, they’ll have to run up st airs, throw balls on the ground, move 50 pound weights with a sledgehammer and then bring a “victim” to safety.

Towards the beginning of the drill, Bryan grabs his chest in pain and is forced to sit out the rest of the time. This of course makes the rest of the participants unravel and it’s basically a free-for-all. Remind me to never let these bitches try to save me from a fire.

My big takeaway this week is that almost all of them act like kids who need to fail in order to have expectations lowered — and then they want a party once they’ve completed less than what was originally planned.

The final exercise is a sprint and the two winners will be able to put out a real fire with the help of the hunky firemen. No surprise here, Mandy gets there first and Jeana comes in at a close second.

Later that day, Bryan has had his a-ha moment and is feeling well enough to get in another workout since he had to sit the other one out.

On weigh-in day, Stacy goes for a walk, Mandy weighs her clothes to see which ones will be the lightest on the scale and Nikki gets out of bed presumably to tell everyone on Twitter that she is awake. Jackie ends up surprising her with a private workout session because Nikki hasn’t been able to work out her pain. When they make it up to the top of the hill after their hike, Jackie challenges Nikki to stop drinking for a week. I think I would go into convulsions, so I’m fairly certain this is going to be an extreme challenge for Nikki.

Group therapy day arrives and Joe’s mommy issues are about to hit the fan because he feels as though Jackie is devoting too much time to Nikki. I can’t say I disagree.

When they discuss their inner warriors, Jeana says she always thought she had one inside of her (I’m sure she’s had more than a few) and that it just took Jackie to bring it out. Everyone in the room rolls their eyes at this and Jackie tells her she needs to get more serious about the program. This is Joe’s cue to confront Jackie about giving Nikki extra attention and therefore taking it away from everyone else.

I’m actually kind of shocked but Jackie confronts Joe’s accusations very maturely and agrees that Nikki is a distraction who doesn’t seem fully committed. She tells Nikki she can only throw her the rope, it’s up to Nikki to actually use it.

Now, after all of the crap Jackie has given Jeana, only Bryan and Mandy do better than her during weigh-in — and they each only lose one more pound than she does. Joe and Stacy lose nothing — Joe is convinced he gained muscle. I’d really love to call in Jillian Michaels at this point.

I’m fairly certain I’m going to need to come up with a drinking game in order to keep watching this. Anyone have suggestions?

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